Best Billy Connolly Quotes & Sayings

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you! — Billy Connolly

When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate. — Billy Connolly

,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from. — Billy Connolly

And we took off-whoosh-into the night. Through the clouds, we hurtled up into the sky. And this man farted. I will never forget it as long as I live. Not only was it the worst fart, it was the longest. Maybe, it was the position he was in, he had squeezed his ass all up. But he was kinda leanin over and pointing his ass up toward me. And it made the strangest noise. It was like cloth tearing. — Billy Connolly

Try to live in a place you like. — Billy Connolly

Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day. — Billy Connolly

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint. — Billy Connolly

In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded. — Billy Connolly

The zombie sex, I have no idea. It must be like tantric sex. — Billy Connolly

The more you know the less the better. — Billy Connolly

People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need. — Billy Connolly

Well, the film's not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it's pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies. I had never read anything like this until I was doing the film, but Mark [Joffe, the director] and people showed me stuff where, like a flood, it mattered where the water came from. If you're flooded from above, you get the money; if you're flooded from below, you don't. What's that about? — Billy Connolly

I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us? — Billy Connolly

I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered. — Billy Connolly

Oh aye ... my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???' — Billy Connolly

I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little. — Billy Connolly

I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended. — Billy Connolly

Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's. — Billy Connolly

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve". — Billy Connolly

It's my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like. — Billy Connolly

Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question. — Billy Connolly

If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting. — Billy Connolly

Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life! — Billy Connolly

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one."
"Don't vote. It just encourages them ... — Billy Connolly

I don't aim to offend. — Billy Connolly

As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me. — Billy Connolly

For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten. — Billy Connolly

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time? — Billy Connolly

Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over! — Billy Connolly

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place. — Billy Connolly

I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything. — Billy Connolly

Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace. — Billy Connolly