Quotes & Sayings About Bad Humour

I'm afraid I'm a practical man,' said the doctor with gruff humour, 'and I don't bother much about religion and philosophy.'
'You'll never be a practical man till you do,' said Father Brown. 'Look here, doctor; you know me pretty well; I think you know I'm not a bigot. You know I know there are all sorts in all religions; good men in bad ones and bad men in good ones. — G.K. Chesterton

It bears repeating a third time: Not being funny doesn't make you a bad person. Not having a sense of humour does. — David Rakoff

Honestly, Jared, one thing at a time. Why are you in a well with me? This is a really bad rescue!" [ ... ]
"I called the police as I was running to the well. I'm sure they're coming."
"Did they say they were coming?" Kami asked suspiciously. "Or did you shout, 'Kami's in the well!' before jumping in the well too, thus loosing your phone and making sure the police think it was some kids playing a dumb joke?"
Jared paused. [ ... ]
"Alternate plan," Jared said. "Do you have a very intelligent collie who might communicate through a system of barks to your parents that little Kami is in the well? — Sarah Rees Brennan

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am. — Samuel Johnson

How bad is it?"
"The story is only just now being reported, but let's put it this way," HARV said. "The bag is now clearly catless, and there's a very foul odor coming from the fan. — John Zakour

I hate smug people."
Ros laughed. "That you do. And so you're using his phone. He'll explode, you know."
"Oh, it'll be bad. 'Cause I made all the phone calls on my list."
There was a pause. "No. You didn't."
"I did."
"Fifty-one phone calls on the off-limits phone?" "Yup."
"Did you fall down the stairs or something? What is wrong with you?! — Kelly Batten

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. — John Kenneth Galbraith

A professor from UBC observed that he agreed with Alexander Pope about the ultimate unreality of evil. Seen from the highest point of metaphysics. To a rational mind, nothing bad ever really happens. He was talking high-minded balls. Twaddle! I thought. I said, 'Oh? Do you mean that every gas chamber has a silver lining? — Saul Bellow

I think I was born 'in to deep,' and bad things happen every day. Sometimes I have to stab hellions. Sometimes I have to frame friends for murder, and stab evil math teachers, and watch my best friend die. Again. We deal with it, then we move on. — Rachel Vincent

We cannot prove the contrary, to be sure - but I wish you a better fate Miss Price, than to be the wife of a man whose amiableness depends upon his own sermons; for though he may preach himself into a good humour every Sunday, it will be bad enough to have him quarrelling about green geese from Monday morning till Saturday night. — Jane Austen

It's just never a good idea to compliment a girl's boobs. [ ... ] "You have nice boobs." Bad. "You have two nice boobs." Worse. "Two boobs? Perfect." F minus. — Jesse Andrews

In some company it's perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick. — George Carlin

There's only one thing in life more dangerous than a bad idea, and that's a good one. — Greg Curtis

After reading the salary, I've decided that I must refuse. The reason I have to refuse a salary like that is I would be able to do what I've always wanted to do- -get a wonderful mistress, put her up in an apartment, buy her nice things.. With the salary you have offered, I could actually do that, and I know what would happen to me. I'd worry about her, what she's doing; I'd get into arguments when I come home, and so on. All this bother would make me uncomfortable and unhappy. I wouldn't be able to do physics well, and it would be a big mess! What I've always wanted to do would be bad for me, so I've decided that I can't accept your offer. — Richard Feynman

But it won't be much of a battle, will it?" Alek asked. "What can an airship do to a pair of ironclads?"
"My guess is, we'll stay absolutely still for an hour. Just so we don't fall into any bad habits. — Scott Westerfeld

It is illegal to yell "fire" in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like "Flames!" or "Smoke maker!" or "Bad hot! — Demetri Martin

If we keep him for ourselves, we can do anything we want with him!'
'OH, REALLY?! Does that include baking him in a quiche?!'
'NO, IT DOES NOT INCLUDE THAT! IT INCLUDES EATING HIM RAW!'
'That's too bad. He would've made a fine pastry filling. — Jeff Smith

And then, as if written by the hand of a bad novelist, an incredible thing happened. — Jonathan Stroud

I suggest taking the high road and have a little sence of humour and let things roll off your back. I think that's very important. — Sally Ride

The Brigands charged in with their weapons drawn.
"Who are you?" Young Bertie asked.
"We're the bad guys!" their leader announced.
"What are you going to do?"
"Plunder and pillage!" one of them yelled.
The others immediately shoved him. "Not in front of the kid, Ralph! Fer cryin' out loud ... "
"Oh, yeah. Sorry! We're here to take your candy! — Lisa Mantchev

Sergeant Colon was lost in admiration. He'd seen people bluff on a bad hand, but he'd never seen anyone bluff with no cards. — Terry Pratchett

Valkyrie patted Fletcher's arm. "Don't worry," she said. "If the bad man comes, I'll protect you."
"If the bad man comes," Fletcher responded, "I'll bravely give out a high-pitched scream to distract him. I may even bravely faint, to give him a false sense of security. That will be your signal to strike."
"We make a great team."
"Just don't forget to stand in front of me the whole time," he said. — Derek Landy

I can't forget things, or ignore them-bad things that happen," I said. "I'm a lay-it-all-out person, a dwell-on-it person, an obsess-about-it person. If I hold things in and try to forget or pretend, I become a madman and have panic attacks. I have to talk. — E. Lockhart

Because we live in a world under siege," I say. "Life sucks for mages and magicians- you taught me that. Bad things happen to those of us who get involved, but if we didn't fight, we'd be in an even worse state. None of it it's your fault, any more than it's the fault of the moon or the stars."
Dervish nods slowly, then arches an eyebrow "The moon or the stars?"
"I always get poetic when I'm dealing with self-pitying simpletons. — Darren Shan

Does bad luck come in 3's...or is it multiples of 3? — Tara Ford

its bad enough talking to yourself but worse when you realise you aren't listening — Tabitca Cope

I've always been a monster,' Scapegrace told her, 'but now, finally, my physical for reflects my inner darkness.'
'You smell terrible.'
'That's the smell of evil.'
'It's like rancid meat and bad eggs.'
'Evil, Scapegrace insisted. — Derek Landy

Then viselike fingers clenched my throat, the stake was wrenched from my hand, and a sharp stabbing pain shot up my right thigh as I landed on the ground with a thump that knocked the breath out of me.
And as if that wasn't bad enough, once I landed, something hard and heavy - his knee, I thought - hit me right in the sternum. You know, just in case there was one last breath left in my lungs. The point of the stake scraped the sensitive skin just under my chin. I looked up, wheezing, into Archer's face. — Rachel Hawkins

I have a bad habit of wolfing down things that catch my eye. — Katze Snow

He said a bad word. Do you want to know what it was? It started with F. It's not the one you're thinking of, though. To the other one. The one that ends with P. do you want to know what it was? It was troop." She frowned. "Wait that's not a word. — Derek Landy

A bunch of bad songs, make an awful whine. — Benny Bellamacina

If there's anything worse in this world than a bad batch of babi guling, it's hindsight. — S.A. Tawks

And - holy shit was this song bad. It was like the singer was stabbing my ear with a dagger made of dried turds. — David Wong

Wouldn't it be grand,' Fitzgerald was looking down at a bunch of dead flowers, 'if people actually said what they meant on these bloody tombs.'
'What do you mean, Johnny?' asked Powerscourt.
'Delighted he's gone,' said Fitzgerald cheerfully, 'Thank you, God, for taking the old bastard away. Gone but not remembered. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, not a moment too soon. May her life be as miserable where she's gone as she made mine here on earth, that sort of thing.'
'You're a bad person, Johnny,' Powerscourt laughed. — David Dickinson

Whew,' he said, 'I'm glad that's over, Thomas. I've been feeling awfully bad about it.' It was only too evident that he no longer did. — Graham Greene

His cell-phone rang. Dominic fumbled for it on the nightstand next to the couch, the dim lights not helping his endeavour. He had piercing, generic, banal fluorescent lights on his face all the time at work and at University, it was so bad it made him loathe even natural sunlight. Lucky this apartment's living room light had a dimmer. He flipped open his phone and said hello. 'Hey Dom, how you doin'?' a voice boomed. It was Ben. They proceeded to talk about the upcoming exams, which were deceptively close as it was week 10 at the moment. Yes, they would be alright. Yes, they would meet up afterwards. No, he hadn't studied more than Ben had. As he clapped the phone closed after the genial conversation reached its natural nadir, he had forgotten most of what had been said — T.P. Grish

Lots of distractions - that's good.
Murderous angels everywhere - that's bad.
That's about as far as my frozen brain will go. — Susan Ee

Ah, but surely you must now be saying, "waitaminute, tuna fish would go bad if you kept it in your pocket for weeks and weeks without refrigerating it."
To that I simply say: You obviously haven't read Professor P.S. Schackman's informative book How to Keep Tuna Fish in Your Pocket for Weeks and Weeks Without it Going Bad. I suggest you read it before complaining about the tuna situation again. — Jason Carter Eaton

I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman! — C. JoyBell C.

Weather is a purely personal matter. There is no such thing as a climate that is cold or hot, good or bad, healthy or unhealthy. People take it upon themselves to create a fantasy in their imagination and call it weather. There's only one climate in the world, but the message that nature sends is interpreted according to strictly personal, non-transferable rules. — Alvaro Mutis

Paperwork wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for all the paper. And the work. — Darynda Jones

Bloody hell, things are bad when you want to be a robin more then yourself — Rae Earl

But who wants to be foretold the weather? It is bad enough when it comes, without our having the misery of knowing about it beforehand. — Jerome K. Jerome

We were young, she continued, while she had a bad heart. Did we not want to earn our tips, she asked us and, cowed, we refrained from introducing the subject again.
Her bad heart, I noticed, did not force her to abstain from smoking, or from eating large portions of puddings. Every time I heard her opening how she could not carry anything heavy, I thought sourly "except yourself". — Toni Maguire

Swans sing before they die - 't were no bad thing
Should certain persons die before they sing. — Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Horses frighten me as much as chickens do,' he said.

'That is too bad, because lack of communication with horses has impeded human progress,' said Abrenuncio. 'If we ever broke down the barriers, we could produce the centaur. — Gabriel Garcia Marquez

I do think your brother grows more peculiar every day,' I complain to Edward when he comes to my rooms in Whitehall Palace to escort me to dinner.
'Which one?' he asks lazily. 'For you know I can do nothing right in the eyes of either. You would think they would be glad to have a York on the throne and peace in Christendom, and one of the finest Christmas feasts we have ever arranged; but no: Richard is leaving court to go back north as soon as the feast is over, to demonstrate his outrage that we are not slogging away in a battle with the French, and George is simply bad tempered. — Philippa Gregory

Bad habits have brought me this far: why change such a tried-and-true formula? — Christopher Hitchens

He plugged the phone into the outlet.
It rang.
Roman stared at it as if it were a viper.
The phone rang again.
He unplugged it. "There."
"It can't be that bad," I told him.
"Oh, it's bad." Roman nodded. "My dad refused to help my second sister buy a house, because he doesn't like her boyfriend. My mother called him and it went badly. She cursed him. Every time he urinates, the stream arches up and over. — Ilona Andrews

So a good man can be a bad Christian?"
"I suppose so."
"Then a bad man," I said, "can be a good Christian? — Bernard Cornwell

I've spoken to Sid," she admits. "He says he's never seen Charlie so bad. He won't eat, he's lost weight and he looks terrible. Sid says it's the first time he's ever been so bored by him that he's considered smothering him. — Lily Morton

Violet sighed in the way you do when you know something bad is going to happen, but hope against hope that it won't, but it does anyway and you realize that you always knew it would and were stupid for having made yourself believe that you could stop it. — Victoria Forester

We need to reclaim the word 'feminism'. We need the word 'feminism' back real bad. When statistics come in saying that only 29% of American women would describe themselves as feminist - and only 42% of British women - I used to think, What do you think feminism IS, ladies? What part of 'liberation for women' is not for you? Is it freedom to vote? The right not to be owned by the man you marry? The campaign for equal pay? 'Vogue' by Madonna? Jeans? Did all that good shit GET ON YOUR NERVES? Or were you just DRUNK AT THE TIME OF THE SURVEY? — Caitlin Moran

So then do you think it's true that he killed someone? And what about the part where he wishes he could die?"
"If it IS true that he killed someone, that's bad."
In any case, "it seems like something is bothering Shuji" was now a contender for the Understatement of the Century. — Mizuki Nomura

You're giving up the hunt for de Taillebourg?' Thomas asked. He had learned the priest's name from Robbie. 'No.' Robbie still had his head back as he stared at the magnificence of the transept's ceiling. 'I'll find him and then I'll gralloch the bastard.' Thomas did not know what gralloch meant, but decided the word was bad news for de Taillebourg. — Bernard Cornwell

It is always a bad sign when the lower classes laugh: their taste in humour is both poor and sinister; — Robert Louis Stevenson

A smell of burned hair and cotton wafted into the air as I spun toward my desk. There was a low whine from the desk and then smoke billowed out of my closed laptop.
I gaped.
My precious, perfectly brand new laptop I cherished like one would a small child.
Son of a mother ...
Friend or not, it was so on — Jennifer L. Armentrout

It's not that she is a bad driver, just a bit ... Umm ... well, quick to arrive at her destination should we say, whereas I would prefer to take my time and get there in one piece without getting beeped at. — Stephanie Hudson

The big bad monster wasn't green and hiding under the bed, it wore tasteless floral prints, bright scarlet lipstick and sat in the kitchen smoking and saying 'bollocks' alot. — Jo Brand

It is the most fun I'm ever going to have. I love to write. I love it. I mean, there's nothing in the world I like better, and that includes sex, probably because I'm so very bad at it. It's the greatest peace when I'm in a scene, and it's just me and the character, that's it, that's where I want to live my life. — Joss Whedon

Very good book! you're gonna have to read this amazing book. the main characters are Valkyrie Cain and the bony Skulduggery Pleasant and they have a good sense of humour. I think that Derek had done a good job at expressing the character's feelings and facial expressions. I love it how in every book there is a bad person and always tries to take over the world and Valkyrie tries to stop them.
Keep going
Derek Landy!
Write more books please!!! — Derek Landy

Yes. We will live the rest of our lives in hell. It's not so bad: as long as you're prepared for it, you can live anywhere. — Mizuki Nomura

One thing you'll learn when you're in the business of selling utter shite to the Great British Public is that there's really no bottom to where they'll go. Shit food, shit TV, shit bands, shit films, shit houses. There is absolutely no fucking bottom with this stuff. The shittier you can make it - a bad photocopy of a bad photocopy of what was a shit idea in the first place - the more they'll eat it up with a big fucking spoon, from dawn till dusk, from now until the end of time. It's too good. — John Niven

I Brought My Grandma's Teeth to School

I brought my grandma's teeth to school to share for show-and-tell.
Billy showed his sneakers. It was more like show-and-smell.
Kevin brought a violin and showed he couldn't play.
Katie brought a snake to school - too bad it got away.
Our class likes show-and-tell a lot, so we were sad to hear
our teacher say that show-and-tell is canceled till next year. — Robert Pottle

Honestly, Evie," I huffed, flopping back to the centre of my bed and glaring at the ceiling. "Why don't you whine some more instead of actually doing anything?"
"Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness," Arianna volunteered, leaning on the frame of my open door.
"Yeah, so's seeing things no one else can, but people seem to like that about me."
"Good point. Odds are, you've been crazy for years now. I'm probably nothing more than a figment of your imagination."
"If that were true, I'd imagine you as less of a slob."
She sighed. "Isn't it sad that you hate yourself so much you can't even dream up a pleasant roommate?"
"Not as sad as the fact that you admit how bad you suck as one."
Flashing a wicked grin, she narrowed her eyes. " I'd use the term 'suck' sparingly around me. Don't want to go planting ideas in my pretty, dead head."
I threw a pillow at her. — Kiersten White

We could all use the power of prayer now and then, but it seems to me that the people who are sure they have a direct line to heaven are most often calling collect with bad news. — Mark Abramson

Thanks for not trying to see me when I looked like hell."
"To be fair, you still look pretty bad. — John Green

You like it in jail?'
'It's not too bad. You don't meet the best people, but who the hell wants to? — Raymond Chandler

The groom should not see you in the dress just before the wedding, that's bad luck. You know what's worst luck? Is getting married, itself. I've read studies. It's like 2 out of 3 of those end in divorce, sometimes more. 3 out of 2, some. — Hank Moody

If they succeed, you will not be packed off to some idyllic farm, where you can write bad poetry, we will both be executed. — A.H. Septimius

I'm a diplomat by nature. I help find the middle ground. I crack a joke and use humour to help resolve potentially vicious situations quickly. It gets things in perspective and helps everyone to see that things aren't as bad as they seem. — Ronnie Wood

I don't believe this," Diesel said. "It just gets worse and worse. Bad I enough I have to play cupid to a butcher, button maker and veterinarian ... now have to be sex therapist for a guy who gives people a rash. — Janet Evanovich

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. — Albert Schweitzer

And I'm not saying it's a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I'm saying is that if you get, I don't know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid, put the other end up my arse, stick me on a trampoline in a moving lift, and I would write a better song on the walls. That's all I'm saying. — Dylan Moran

You think we 're both fifty shades of fucked up, don't you?"
- "Nah, not that bad. Maybe twenty-five shades. — Laurelin Paige

In fact the bare adjective "bad" hardly scratches the surface of the man's awesome incapacity. — John Biggins

Good isn't obsessed to win
But
Bad is destined to lose — Hemdiva Dev

You make the Titanic look like a tiny little misadventure. — Gina Ranalli

I shot him a look. "That bouncer was really big."
His lips quirked. "Oh, Kitten, see, I try not to say bad things."
"What?"
The grin spread. "I would say size doesn't matter but it does. I would know." he winked, and I let out a disgusted groan. He laughed. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

Are you pair mad? You pitch up as if you own the place, and then you offer to relieve me of two centuries' worth of
equipment?' He glared across the wooden expanse at Marcus and Qadir. 'An officer fresh out of his napkin, and a chosen man in fancy dress with a bad suntan. Well, the pair of you can fuck right off. — Anthony Riches

My final word, before I'm done, Is "Cancer can be rather fun"- Provided one confronts the tumour with a sufficient sense of humour. I know that cancer often kills, But so do cars and sleeping pills; And it can hurt till one sweats, So can bad teeth and unpaid debts. A spot of laughter, I am sure, Often accelerates one's cure; So let us patients do our bit To help the surgeons make us fit. — John B. S. Haldane

Big surprise, I put you to sleep. Don't feel bad. It happens all the time. — Robyn Carr

Do not oversleep and miss the school bus-
you'll be late.
That's a habit teachers generally
don't appreciate.
Never tell your friends at school
that you still wet your bed.
They are sure to tease you,
and you'll wish that you were dead.

Never call your teacher a name
when she's not near you.
Teachers' ears are excellent,
so they can always hear you.

Do not read a textbook when your hands
aren't clean-it's tricky
to separate the pages when the pages
get real sticky.
When you go out for a team
it's always wise to practice.
When you are a substitute,
the bench can feel like cactus.

Do not copy homework from a friend
who is a dummy.
If you do, I'm sure that you
will get a grade that's crummy.

And if your report card's bad,
don't blame it on your buddy.
Kiss up to your parents quick,
or they might make you study. — Bruce Lansky

Shiny, let's be bad guys! — Joss Whedon

Draco Malfoy is a bad boy! squeaked Dobby angrily. — J.K. Rowling

I don't know why Kate was trying to impress him, as far as I could see the guy had all the allure and social grace of a psychotic slug with halitosis and a bad head cold. — Sharon Sant

I like to think that even with some of the more intense ones sometimes there is humour in there, you try to make a complete human being, whether the guy is good or bad. — Ray Liotta

I took a deep breath. I'm sorry I lied, I like your Star Wars sheets, you're not that bad of a driver, and I swear on my Very Cherry lip gloss that I will never lie to you again. — Gemma Halliday

It is cocaine," he said, "a seven-per-cent solution. Would you
care to try it?"
"No, indeed," I answered brusquely. "My constitution has not got
over the Afghan campaign yet. I cannot afford to throw any extra
strain upon it."
He smiled at my vehemence. "Perhaps you are right, Watson," he
said. "I suppose that its influence is physically a bad one. I find
it, however, so transcendently stimulating and clarifying to the
mind that its secondary action is a matter of small moment. — Arthur Conan Doyle

I think Amy Winehouse's decision not to go to rehab was a bad one. In fact, I think it was the worst idea since Dodi Al Fayed said to Princess Diana, Ooh, look! A tunnel! Whack that seat belt off and let's have a fuck. — Robert Clark

Tucker: "Today we ran into a mama grizzly with two cubs at the ridge off Colter Bay and Clara sang to it to make it go away."
Mrs. Avery: You sang to it?
Tucker: Her singing is that bad. — Cynthia Hand

You only get one life.
Too bad you already made a mess of it. — Peter James West

Life wasn't too bad. The trouble with Man was, even while he was having a good time, he didn't appreciate it. Why, thought Milligan, this very moment might be the happiest in me life. The very thought of it made him miserable. — Spike Milligan

That said, it was pretty awkward and a weird thing to shoot. Some women had a sense of humour about it and we'd laugh, but some were very serious and suspicious ... like I might be doing something bad, or maybe they were just uncomfortable. — Nicole Holofcener

Put your vocabulary on the top shelf of your toolbox, and don't make any conscious effort to improve it... One of the really bad things you can do to your writing is to dress up the vocabulary, looking for long words because you're maybe a little bit ashamed of your shot ones. This is like dressing up a household pet in evening clothes. The pet is embarrassed and the person who committed this act of pre-meditated cuteness should be even more embarrassed. Make yourself a solemn promise right now that you'll never use 'emolument' when you mean 'tip' and you'll never say 'John stopped long enough to perform an act of excretion' when you mean 'John stopped long enough to take a shit'. If you believe 'take a shit' would be considered offensive or inappropriate by your audience, feel free to say 'John stopped long enough to move his bowels'... — Stephen King

Raphael continued to stare at me, in no hurry to get started. "You know the best way to get rid of a demon, right?" He asked with a serious face. I caught Ivy rolling her eyes as I shook my head.
"Exorcise alot!"
Ivy caught my expression of dismay. "It's okay, Beth. He's famous for his bad jokes. We're still waiting for him to grow up."
"And like Peter Pan, I hope to avoid that at all costs. — Alexandra Adornetto

On a good day, my style is librarian chic. On a bad day, it's frumpy mother. — Cassandra Page

I knew today was gonna be bad, but I never got close to this — Ian Ayris

You know its going to be a bad day when you are having a prostate examination and you feel both of your doctor's hands on your shoulders! — Michael Robotham

Don't know if it's good or bad that a Google search on "Big Bang Theory" lists the sitcom before the origin of the Universe — Neil DeGrasse Tyson