Available Funny Quotes & Sayings

I kicked, shouted an obscene word, got another faceful of goo for my troubles, and did the only thing left available to me. I started to laugh. This was a stupid way to die, all right. But also a god damned funny one. — Adam-Troy Castro

Who cares if you have a girlfriend, anyway?"
"I care," Simon said gloomily. "Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor. And he smells like Windex."
"At least you know he's still available."
Simon glared. "Not funny, Fray."
"There's always Sheila 'The Thong' Bararino," Clary suggested.
"That is who Eric's been dating for the past three months," Simon said. "His advice, meanwhile, was that I ought to just decide which girl in school has the most rockin' bod and ask her out."
"Eric is a sexist pig," Clary said. "Maybe you should call your band The Sexist Pigs."
"It has a ring to it. — Cassandra Clare

I wish happiness was some edible food easily available in stores... Oh wait, it is. — Hk

All those tattoos. A woman could get any tattoo she liked, but they all said the same thing. They were a sign reading AVAILABLE FOR RENT. — Joe Hill

All right, she thought I was a funny little geezer, but my charred Phaethon had impressed her, I was very obviously available, and she was out for revenge. What makes Greek tragedies great is that this brand of psychological nonsense doesn't enter into it at all. I had wanted to tell her that too, but unfortunately conversations consist for the most part of things one does not say. We are descendents, we do not have mythical lives, but psychological ones. And we know everything, we are always our own chorus. — Cees Nooteboom

I already have my bathroom time scheduled, so you'll have to work around it. Please note the bathroom is unavailable for the hour before each of my scheduled usage times (I don't like to feel as if someone has just been in there when I have to go). However, for your convenience, there is also a toilet available with minimal wait time on the first floor lobby if you have an emergency and need immediate use. — Kyle Adams

When you're sending emails, you live and die by your subject line. Making it personal or funny can increase your open rate 10 times or more. At the very least, try to pitch some value rather than pointless bragging. 'Work Faster!' is better than 'Version 10.4 now available!' — John Wall

I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.' — Mitch Hedberg

A Tolet ad: "Two beds boys available". I wonder which one is Tolet? — Santosh Avvannavar

They had a ... dog called Bluey. A know psychopath, Bluey would attack himself if nothing else was available. — Clive James

It was funny, what friendship meant in Rebecca's world. It mainly meant lunch, twice a year, and the occasional dinner party, except for Dorothea, who was an old school friend, a genuine friend. Rebecca had realized, ruefully, that she should have made more friends in school; they seemed to be the only ones women really talked to honestly because the shared history meant fewer lies were available to them. With the others shared meals had become a substitute for intimacy, but not the kind of substitute that allowed for dark nights of the soul, calls at 1:00 A.M., tears and drinking and despair in pajamas. — Anna Quindlen

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard. The mailman will get shot, the envelope will not seal, the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. The final payment must be made in wampum. — Mitch Hedberg

I failed.



I fucking failed.



For fifteen years, Timothy Lane handed out A's like mints. The year I take the class? Lane's ticker quits ticking, and I get stuck with Pamela Tolbert.



It's official. The woman is my archenemy. Just the sight of her flowery handwriting - which fills up every inch of available space in the margins of my midterm - makes me want to go Incredible Hulk on the booklet and rip it to shreds. — Elle Kennedy

Personally I think there is no doubt that sub-atomic energy is available all around us, and that one day man will release and control its almost infinite power. We cannot prevent him from doing so and can only hope that he will not use it exclusively in blowing up his next door neighbour. (1936) — Francis William Aston

I allowed myself a little bit of relief. That was a lot less bad than I though it would be.
"Of course, we'll also have to have a parent-teacher conference. Do you have a parent available to call right now?"
Never mind. That was enough to ruin my whole year. — August Westman

Funny, what a freeing thing right is. And how ... flexible it is. There is all sorts of right available to me now. Before, when I had to choose between Adam and James, I chose the hardest right path. It almost killed me. For now, I'm choosing the easiest right path. — Kiersten White

Mr. Bazzard's father, being a Norfolk farmer, would have furiously laid about him with a flail, a pitch-fork, and every agricultural implement available for assaulting purposes, on the slightest hint of his son's having written a play. — Charles Dickens

They say laughter is the best medicine, and I agree. Plus, it's free, has no bad side effects and is available to EVERYONE. — Mindy Levy

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car. — Mitch Hedberg