Alcoholic Humor Quotes & Sayings

And so Harry became proficient in the task of cleaning up vomit. — Julia Quinn

And in my mind, this settles the issue. I would never drink cologne, and am therefore not an alcoholic. — Augusten Burroughs

The others would then fall silent and she would continue about doped gallium arsenide detectors, or the ethanol content of the galactic cloud W-3. The quantity of 200-proof alcohol in this single interstellar cloud was more than enough to maintain the present population of the Earth, if every adult were a dedicated alcoholic, for the age of the solar system. The tamada had appreciated the remark. — Carl Sagan

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. — George Carlin

I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway. — Michael Summers

Suiffy, have you ever felt a sort of strange emptiness in the heart? A sort of aching void of the soul?'
'Oh, rather!'
'What do you do about it?'
'I generally take a couple of cocktails. — P.G. Wodehouse

You're a chain-smoking, alcoholic hyper-violent sociopath with daddy issues!"
"When you say it like that it sounds bad ... — S.L.J. Shortt

Life is better when you're drunk. I ought to become an alcoholic. — Ahmed Mostafa

If you drink anymore, you're going to be positively flammable. — Michaela Haze

I'm not saying I'm an Alcoholic, but I do have prescription shot glasses — Josh Stern

College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic. — Natasha Leggero

It's just like an alcoholic to think he's doing the Zombie Apocalypse wrong. — Michele W. Miller

There was something ghost-like and insubstantial about gases to these early chemists. They called liquids that turned into gases easily, "spirits." Methyl alcohol, they called "wood spirit"; ethyl alcohol, "wine spirit." Even today, alcoholic beverages are frequently referred to as "spirits." (Modern Arabs, from whose language the word "alcohol" was taken, call ethyl alcohol "spirit" from the English. This is a queer exchange.) — Isaac Asimov

A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar. — Carolyn G. Heilbrun

Yes, you'd make a great partner for him. What with the embezzling and the adultery and the drinking. That's what every man wants in a wife - a vaguely alcoholic, fornicating thief. — Eleanor Brown

I believe in 'Positives' not Negatives the only thing about Alcohol I'm Powerless over is those Damn Taxes — Stanley Victor Paskavich

Catfish always drink alcoholic ether if begged, for every catfish enjoys heightened intoxication; gross indulgence can be calamitous, however; duly, garfish babysit for dirty catfish children, helping catfish babies get instructional education just because garfish get delight assisting infants' growth and famously inspire confidence in immature catfish, giving experience (and joy even); however, blowfish jeer insightful garfish, disparaging inappropriately, doing damage, even insulting benevolent, charming, jovial garfish, hurting and frustrating deeply; joy fades but hurt feelings bring just grief; inevitable irritation hastens feeling blue; however, jovial children declare happiness, blowfishes' evil causes dejection, blues; accordingly, always glorift jolly, friendly garfish! — John Green

An alcoholic is someone you don't like, who drinks as much as you do. — Dylan Thomas

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler

Bottled, was he?" Said Colonel Bantry, with an Englishman's sympathy for alcoholic excess. "Oh, well, can't judge a fellow by what he does when he's drunk? When I was at Cambridge, I remember I put a certain utensil - well - well, nevermind. — Agatha Christie

After tonight I will not date put pen to paper again. A blank page to me is like a drink to an alcoholic. — Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey

Maybe Dracula wasn't a vampire, just a raging alcoholic who was constantly hungover. — Krystal Sutherland