Quotes & Sayings About Alcohol Funny

You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order — Josh Stern

I drank to be funny, or sexy. I drank because I was afraid or happy or sad, and I drank for anything that required emotional commitment ... I had chosen a profession that thrives on insecurity, and is never far from some source of social intercourse that involves alcohol or drugs. — Lynda Bellingham

Glancing at the bottle of tequila in Tate's hand, Logan questioned much more calmly than he felt, "How full was that?"

Tate lifted the quarter-empty bottle and shrugged. "Unopened. Why? — Ella Frank

I enjoy cooking with wine, sometimes I even put it in the food I'm cooking. — Julia Child

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. — Dave Moulton

I think that comedy is a good defense for a child. Because you know childhood is a nightmare as it is. And so why not use comedy and being funny as a defense to get through your life as opposed to drugs, alcohol and good looks? Because those things are dangerous when your young. — Joy Behar

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. — George Carlin

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point. — Doug Stanhope

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers and boys used to dress like their fathers.
Now girls drink like their fathers and boys dress like their mothers. — Habeeb Akande

Is that all you bought?" His eyes shot to the left. "Um." I clenched my teeth. "What else?" "A Super Mega Juicer," he said quickly. "But, Sabina, seriously that juicer is a miracle machine." "I'm a vampire, Giguhl. The only liquids I drink are blood and alcohol. I don't do juice. — Jaye Wells

Civilization begins with distillation — William Faulkner

Being me is a job - is labour so time-consuming and expensive that I have to have a second job just to support it. So that I can drink, I have to get drink and that isn't something people give away and then there's drink that I need because I have drunk and the other drink I have to keep around because, sooner or later, I will drink it. That's a full-time occupation: that's like being a miner, or a nurse. — A. L. Kennedy

I like to quote Homer Simpson: 'I'm like a chocoholic except for alcohol.' I come from a long line of alcoholics. It's funny because when I first started making records, I was at the tail end of a period of sobriety, so I somehow got this reputation as Captain Sober. — Moby

There have been two great narcotics in European civilisation: Christianity and alcohol. — Friedrich Nietzsche

According to a brand new report, alcohol abuse in Ireland is on the rise. Mainly because the guy who didn't drink now does. — Conan O'Brien

So what are you planning to do with the rest of your life?
Develop a drinking problem. More Scotch, please. — Daniel Silva

I'll drink your champagne. I'll drink every drop of it, I don't care if it kills me. — F Scott Fitzgerald

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know. — W.C. Fields

If you drink anymore, you're going to be positively flammable. — Michaela Haze

What is your advice to young writers?"
"Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes. — Charles Bukowski

I like liquor - its taste and its effects - and that is just the reason why I never drink it. — Stonewall Jackson

Drunken men give some of the best pep talks. — Criss Jami

Blackouts can be fun if approached with the right mindset. You just can't sweat the fact that you've lost a small portion of your life for all eternity. Occasionally, little bubbles of memory will float up like surreal Mylar party balloons at unexpected times throughout the net day and start piecing together a colorful, if incomplete, version of reality. — Josh Kilmer-Purcell

I live on shameless flattery ... and vodka ... but the two usually go hand in hand. — Vicktor Alexander

I would never do crack ... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay? — Denis Leary

I felt empty and sad for years, and for a long, long time, alcohol worked. I'd drink, and all the sadness would go away. Not only did the sadness go away, but I was fantastic. I was beautiful, funny, I had a great figure, and I could do math. But at some point, the booze stopped working. That's when drinking started sucking. Every time I drank, I could feel pieces of me leaving. I continued to drink until there was nothing left. Just emptiness. — Dina Kucera

Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter. — Dave Attell

Tradition or not, I sometimes thought putting children on an old guy's lap was already creepy enough. We didn't need to mix alcohol into it. — Richelle Mead

Whoever said that a drunk mind speaks sober thoughts...was clearly still drunk off their ass.


-Jackson 'Blame It on the Pain — Ashley Jade

For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it's funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I'd squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I'm now told that this is not called "going to sleep" but rather "passing out," a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment. — David Sedaris

Liver failure is the easiest way to say 'no' to alcohol. — Bauvard

I walk into the clubhouse today and it's like walking into the Mayo Clinic. We have four doctors, three therapists and five trainers. Back when I broke in, we had one trainer who carried a bottle of rubbing alcohol, and by the 7th inning he'd already drunk it. — Tommy Lasorda

Ozzy, God bless him, is super talented. He is a great man. He is a man of heart and soul and goodwill. He is a very funny man but he is a perfect poster child of why I have never touched drugs, alcohol, tobacco or fast food. — Ted Nugent

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly. — Doug Stanhope

As we celebrate Recovery Month, it is time for Congress to knock down the barriers to treatment and recovery for 26 million Americans suffering the ravages of alcohol and drug addiction. — Jim Ramstad

Now, my intention was to drink just enough to dull the senses, but intentions should never be mixed with alcohol. — Kirt J. Boyd

Everybody funny, now you funny too. — George Thorogood

There were, however, a few exceptions.
One was Norma Dodsworth, the poet, who had not unpleasantly drunk but had been sensible enough to pass out before any violent action proved necessary. He had been deposited, not very gently, on the lawn, where it was hoped that a hyena would give him a rude awakening. For all practical purposes he could, therefore, be regarded as absent. — Arthur C. Clarke

He was so drunk that he would have stubbornly denied that he was. — Filippo Bologna

Each one you take is a commitment. If you break that commitment, the gods of alcohol will punish you with a hangover so bad you'll think Satan himself took a dump on you. -Milo — Cora Carmack