Zach Braff Quotes & Sayings

I don't like the term 'black people', I find it demeaning to those of us that actually qualify as 'people'. — Zach Braff

Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of killing unwanted babies, it's just that the idea of letting women make a decision doesn't sit well with me. — Zach Braff

I'm really not one to brag, but I think my job is one of the most important things someone can do with their life. I mean, it really gives people a chance to live outside their means through someone else's vision. And I think that's something really great that I can give back to the community. Sure I could be a doctor or a lawyer, but do they really help anyone? Sure you can save someone's life, but can you really change it for the better? I'm not saying their jobs aren't important, just not as important as mine. — Zach Braff

I don't know why people were so upset with me. Prince got his own symbol. I just wanted to adopt the handicap symbol as my own so I could park in handicap spots. Deformed people should be honored to park so close to me. Meeting a celebrity like me may give them hope in their mistake of a life. — Zach Braff

It's a give and take relationship with my fans. They give me love and adoration, and I take it from them. — Zach Braff

When things seem to be slowing down, there's this little trick I like to play. I'd plow this virgin who's on her period, and after I'm done I'd just run out into the living room, or the dance floor, with all that bloody goop on my junk and yell, OH MY GOD, I'VE BEEN SHOT IN THE NADS! Yeah, good times. — Zach Braff

I've turned down a lot of proposed scripts for Scrubs episodes, mainly ones with AIDs patients. It sickens me, really. If you don't want AIDs, don't be a ice cream man. Or African. I'm neither and I'm fine. — Zach Braff

I'm not gay, but I'm still the kind of guy where, even though you have no chance, they still want to hang around me so you can get a good mental image and jerk off to me later. — Zach Braff

I certainly do not consider myself the next Jesus. I'd say he was more of a precursor to Zach Braff. — Zach Braff

I don't even like the show that much, I mean, it's about doctors. It's not like doctors are as important as actors anyway, I bet I've saved more lives with my acting talent then any doctor has. — Zach Braff

So for front-runners we have a black and a woman. It's like being made to choose between syphilis or having and old man crap on your face. I would do the country a favor and run myself but I couldn't deprive Hollywood of me for 4 years. — Zach Braff

I never go easy on kids when I play board games. The sooner they learn what the consequence of entering a competition is, the better. If they win, I punch them in the face like any adult. — Zach Braff

I find my movie props in my neighbors houses. — Zach Braff

Yeah, the gay pride movement is precious and all, but I think it's about time we asked ourselves what gay people really have to offer to society. — Zach Braff

The biggest problem I had with starring in Scrubs were the black doctors. I just had to keep telling myself this show was satire. — Zach Braff

At first, I didn't really care if global warming existed. But then I realized it means that less bums would freeze to death in the winter — Zach Braff

What else could I tell them? I like my women like I like my whiskey: 12 years old and mixed up with coke. — Zach Braff

I always liked the story of Noah's Ark and the idea of starting anew by rescuing the things you like and leaving the rest behind. — Zach Braff

I really don't know why we need a whole month dedicated to blacks. It's not like they're the only ones that suffered. I mean, what about us whites? We're the ones that have to deal with these monkeys everyday, but you don't see us demanding a whole month to ourselves. — Zach Braff

I'm sure lots of actors and creative people go through this, where you have some weeks where it's all going according to plan and some weeks where you're super frustrated. — Zach Braff

I never taught a blind/deaf chick to read, but somehow I've managed to turn Scrubs into a watchable show. That may not sound like much, but take a look at my surrounding cast and ask yourself, who's the real miracle worker? — Zach Braff

The only real difference between hookers, stippers, sluts and regualar women how many times you can hit them before they cry. Hookers can really take a punch, I'll tell you that much. — Zach Braff

I believe the general consensus is the bigger it is, the more women flock to you. I guess its a good thing mine is HUGE! — Zach Braff

I had a very funny family. — Zach Braff

I've been doing som jogging at home recently and every time I try the distance I end up beating his time with like three or four seconds. — Zach Braff

I don't think restaurants should refuse to serve minority people. They are quite tasty when prepared correctly. — Zach Braff

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals. — Zach Braff

I actually did ponder doing the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie thing and get a kid from Ethiopia. But you know, I already have an ashtray. — Zach Braff

I mean, I understand that Scrubs was my big break, but sooner or later you have to move on. I've already directed a movie, which received very good reviews, so it just seems much more important to me now. I feel that in order to better foster my creativity as an actor and director at this point, I need to be surrounded by other talented, artistic individuals, instead of just goofy comedians. — Zach Braff

I've always tried to learn from the greats: Orson Welles, Humphrey Bogart, Ghandi, Buddha, Jesus ... it's just that there's this tremendous pressure to correct all the things they got wrong. — Zach Braff

That Hugh Laurie show is nothing but Scrubs fan fiction. — Zach Braff

My favorite meal? It has to be furburgers everyday in the morning. — Zach Braff

Lots of people were giving me flak when I made the deal to do the very last season of Scrubs for $350,000 an episode. When really I'm the one that's being cheated, because the writer's strike is keeping me from all the money that I could be making. I need to eat, too. — Zach Braff

I heard about the Dalai Lama, you know and I thought to myself, why not me? — Zach Braff

Didn't we learn our lesson from Planet of the Apes? — Zach Braff

I love queers as much as the next guy, I just don't think I should have to sit beside them on public transport. — Zach Braff

Of course I don't use my A-material, it doesn't matter if they think I'm funny or not because they won't be thinking anything pretty soon anyways, if you caych my drift. — Zach Braff

I'd never hit a woman unless I was already out of Viagra. — Zach Braff

One time a reporter asked me what my worst quality was. I looked him in the eyes then punched him in the face. I kind of felt bad about it later, but he didn't need to be rude. — Zach Braff

I donno, it's not impressive. Once I put ear plugs in and put a blind fold on for like 14 minutes and I did just fine. — Zach Braff

They say the number on rule in showbusiness is not to work with animals. I guess I'm above the rules because I put up with that for seven years. — Zach Braff

When you were a kid and the circus came to town it was awesome to see these little creatures, but these things go out of fashion, like polyester blazers with rolled up sleeves. We don't have to suffer them anymore so why are there all these little people running around? — Zach Braff

I really don't give a care, I'm going to live for ever — Zach Braff

Yea, I've got a dream too. It involves time-travel and a rifle. — Zach Braff

Everyone has a warped vision of Hollywood and what success in Hollywood is like. — Zach Braff

Sure, they are the future of our world. Nike and Reebok need more factory workers every day. — Zach Braff

I really couldn't say how famous I really am, that's for the history books to decide. But I'll probably be pretty up there. — Zach Braff

They put all this money into these huge films and then no one goes to see them. That sort of shows they're out of touch. Then everyone in town passes on my little movie and it does really well. — Zach Braff

I'm not the kind of person who digs through things other people have thrown away. — Zach Braff

I don't like the idea of drama schools. They only perpetuate the myth that everyone can do what I do — Zach Braff

When we shoot 'Scrubs' I spend every waking hour of my life in an abandoned and haunted hospital. All I can date there are ghosts and they tend to be horrible snugglers. — Zach Braff

It's kind of ironic that my character is a doctor who acts very gay with his best friend. I don't see how gays could ever be doctors, they spend too much time whining about everything. Just get off your soapbox and go back to designing floral arrangements — Zach Braff

When I was told they wanted the show to be about doctors, I was a bit reluctant to sign on, you know? I thought, why have a show about doctors when we could have a show about the real heroes, you know, like me? — Zach Braff

It's not that I think the Nazis were right, or anything. It's just that, we weren't there, we don't know. — Zach Braff

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents. — Zach Braff

I wouldn't say I'm bigger than Jesus. If I had to guess, I'd say probably, yeah, but as far as I know, the bible is never clear on this. — Zach Braff

Yea, I had a dream too. Looks like mine came true. — Zach Braff

Sure the jews killed jesus, but the guy was an awful carpenter — Zach Braff

You don't need an alarm clock when you sleep with 20 models a night, one of those broads'll figure out that they better make breakfast in bed or I'll kill all of them. — Zach Braff

I don't want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn't help matters. — Zach Braff

Probably the most memorable even of my life is when I was born. It really made me who I am. If I die, I hope to go out the same way I came in, but I don't think my mother would be into that. — Zach Braff

Sometimes Sarah [Chalke] starts to talk about Iraq or whatever and she gets all excited, like I actually give a crap what she's saying. Come on, she's a woman. But still, it's very cute. — Zach Braff

I love the holiday season, almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans. — Zach Braff

I don't get why arabs are so pissed off at us. I mean they have enough oil for all of them to drive a hummer at what, maybe 1.50 a gallon? — Zach Braff

Everyone has an idea that they think would be a great movie. Everyone has a cousin who they think you should work with. — Zach Braff

Maybe that's all that family really is, a group of people who all miss the same imaginary place. — Zach Braff

It's a good thing I'm a professional and could see the pure genius talent behind the raw sexual beauty. — Zach Braff

I know every politician spins the truth a little. — Zach Braff

When I first moved to L.A., I thought about turning gay. Then I realized none of the guys I was interested in was good enough for me. — Zach Braff

I had a dream once. I wanted to do a line of cocaine off a hooker's ass. That's when I realized, 'Hey, I'm freakin' Zach Braff.' I did it the next morning. — Zach Braff

I know I probably should be sad about my mother's cancer ... but she still hasn't seen The Last Kiss, you know? — Zach Braff

Well I don't like to think too far ahead because it scares me a little to think of what this world will come to after I'm gone, but I suppose life will have to go on, right? At least everyone will still be able to watch reruns of Scrubs. — Zach Braff

I think in a play it's wise to just sit back and watch other actors and be able to shape it from the audience. — Zach Braff

I tried it a few times but didn't see the point. I'm Zach Braff. What the fudge do I need a team for besides holding me back and sucking? If I wanted that, I'd just walk on the set of 'Scrubs'. — Zach Braff

People have always wondered what my opinion on Stevie Wonder is. I say if he's so great how come he can't see? I mean, God doesn't make mistakes, just look at me for example. — Zach Braff

I'm not an hour late. You guys were just an hour early. — Zach Braff

I'm not saying I hate Jews, I'm just saying that I think they shouldn't be alive any more. — Zach Braff

I can't watch the news anymore. They have their priorities all out of whack. All I see is Natalee Holloway and Britney Spears and the war in Iraq. Where's the substantive news? Where's the Zach Braff coverage? — Zach Braff

Turning water to wine? I mean c'mon, that's stupid. They should have let me write the bible. — Zach Braff

It blows my mind that there are people out there who deny the holocaust. Why would you ever deny such a great achievement. It's like denying the cure for polio or something. — Zach Braff

I procrastinate so much and I get distracted by anything. — Zach Braff

I mean, some people accuse me of being racist. I'm totally not, I'm just better than everybody else. — Zach Braff

I said, I'm on this TV show and I love doing it, but I don't want to be known always as the silly 'Scrubs' guy ... So part of me was like, You know what? Life's short. Let's go for it. — Zach Braff

People always tell me I should run for president, but I don't think they'd give me enough time off to make my films. — Zach Braff

Whenever I'm feeling a bit down, I always visit the local children's hospital. Knowing that those cancer-kids wont be able to live long enough to surpass me in fame just warms my heart, you know? — Zach Braff

People ask me, 'Did the fame come too fast? Do you ever wish for your old life?' I always tell them that there's nothing on earth better than being famous. — Zach Braff

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion. — Zach Braff

I'm not saying eating babies should be legal, but when they're so delicious, what's the harm in it? I don't know what tastes better, their innocence or their gooey rib butter. — Zach Braff

Its not that I'm in love with myself, I'm just trying to pick up everyone else's slack. — Zach Braff

Now, I'm not going to be misquoted on this like I have numerous times before, so I'll be quite clear. I've never said hitler was my hero, just that if he had focused on more than one race he would have had the right idea. Try to turn that one against me. — Zach Braff

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog — Zach Braff

Without me, Scrubs would be worse than the holocaust. But with me in it, it's turned into the lolocaust. — Zach Braff

It's funny when I read the tabloids and they're reporting on only a fraction of the life I'm leading. — Zach Braff

Well, I'm not saying that America is a bad place or anything. I just think 9/11 needed to happen sooner or later. — Zach Braff

People still make New Year's resolutions? Wow. I figured those were pointless once I perfected myself by directing, writing, and acting in Garden State. I guess it makes sense, though. It gives people a chance to hope that they can become as great as me someday. — Zach Braff

If God wanted women to be treated equally to men, he'd have given them penises. — Zach Braff

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses. — Zach Braff

I could see why someone would want to make a website about me, and my quotes. They are all gold. How many people have written, directed AND starred in their own movies. I just don't know why they would want to put words into my mouth, I mean I did write, direct AND star in a critically acclaimed movie. — Zach Braff

Am I really gonna deny someone the opportunity of a lifetime just because they met me 5 easters early? — Zach Braff

You know, I've occasionally tried to watch other shows besides Scrubs, but comparing them is a bit like me competing in the special Olympics. Obviously I would win without contest, but the point is that they are trying their best. — Zach Braff