Will Cuppy Quotes & Sayings

I do not travel. I am not much of an extrovert, and I'm not much interested in extroverted objects. I do not care for the 'ideas' of novelists. Novels are wonderful, of course, but I prefer newspapers. — Will Cuppy

In some respects, Nero was ahead of his time. He boiled his drinking water to remove the impurities and cooled it with unsanitary ice to put them back in. He renamed the month of April after himself, calling it Neroneus, but the idea never caught on because April is not Neroneus and there is no use pretending that it is. During his reign of fourteen years, the outlying provinces are said to have prospered. They were farther away. — Will Cuppy

I only know that all is lost, and that nothing can help me unless I inherit money, strike oil or go to work. — Will Cuppy

I hear so many things about who I am supposed to be I hardly know what to believe. I am willing to tell all, but what Is it? Doubtless all these myths and legends will be straightened out eventually, but It may take years. — Will Cuppy

[Footnote:] Three million alligators were killed in Florida between 1880 and 1900. Goody! — Will Cuppy

All modern men are descended from wormlike creatures, but it shows more on some people. — Will Cuppy

We all make mistakes, but intelligence enables us to do it on purpose. — Will Cuppy

Infant wart hogs resemble both sides of the family. — Will Cuppy

In modern times much thought has been devoted to the methods used in constructing the Great Pyramid. Egyptologists marvel that such a task could have been accomplished before they were born, and our engineers say they would not have undertaken it with only some old copper tools and a complete lack of stainless steel machinery. It hardly seems possible that the ancient Egyptians were as smart as these experts. Still, they went right ahead and did it, and you can draw your own conclusions. The fact is that building a pyramid is fairly easy, aside from the lifting. You just pile up stones in receding layers, placing one layer carefully upon another, and pretty soon you have a pyramid. You can't help it.19 And once it is up, it stays there. Why wouldn't it? In other words, it is not the nature of a pyramid to fall down, and that explains why the Great Pyramid is still standing after all these years. — Will Cuppy

The sloth lives his life upside down. He is perfectly comfortable that way. If the blood rushes to his head, nothing happens because there is nothing to work on. — Will Cuppy

The wren-box problem is becoming more acute each year, for wrens now demand better housing conditions and labor-saving devices. — Will Cuppy

[Footnote:] Aristotle maintains that the neck of the Lion is composed of a single bone. Aristotle knew nothing at all about Lions, a circumstance which did not prevent him from writing a good deal on the subject. — Will Cuppy

Queen Elizabeth was rather a flirt all her life. She finally developed a bad habit of boxing her partners' ears and shouting "god's death, I'll have thy head!" This discouraged some of her more sensitive partners, — Will Cuppy

The male is colored much more gorgeously than the female so that he can be shot and made into feather embroidery. — Will Cuppy

As Darwin puts it in The Descent of Man, 'Male snakes, though appearing so sluggish, are amorous.' Isn't that just like Darwin? It was one of his main ideas, you know, that the males of almost all animals have stronger passions than the females. Since then we've learned a thing or two. At any rate, the female snake is right there when spring arrives in the woods. — Will Cuppy

Aristotle described the Crow as chaste. In some departments of knowledge, Aristotle was too innocent for his own good. — Will Cuppy

My philosophy of life can be summed up in four words: It can't be helped. — Will Cuppy

Even as a child back in Indiana, whenever I took a Butterbelly off the hook I used to ask myself, "Does this fish think?" I would even ask others, "Do you suppose this Butterbelly can think?" And all I would get in reply was a look. At the age of eighteen, I left the state. — Will Cuppy

Ah, well! We live and learn, or, anyway, we live. — Will Cuppy

[Footnote:] An Ant on a hot stove-lid runs faster than an Ant on a cold one. Who wouldn't? — Will Cuppy

The Ancient Egyptians considered it good luck to meet a swarm of Bees on the road. What they considered bad luck I couldn't say. — Will Cuppy

The call of the yellow-billed cuckoo of North America is often mistaken for a bloodhound drinking a bowl of milk. He goes coulp coulp coulp. — Will Cuppy

The Dodo never had a chance. He seems to have been invented for the sole purpose of becoming extinct and that was all he was good for. — Will Cuppy

The hippopotamus looks monogamous- he looks as if he would have to be. — Will Cuppy

It is because of his brain that [modern man] has risen above the animals. Guess which animals he has risen above. — Will Cuppy

It's easy to see the faults in people, I know; and it's harder to see the good. Especially when the good isn't there. — Will Cuppy

[Footnote:] To give the Beaver his due, he does things because he has to do them, not because he believes that hard work per se will somehow make him a better Beaver
the Beaver may be dumb, but he is not that dumb! The Beaver was made to gnaw, and gnaw he does. There you have him in a nutshell. — Will Cuppy

Humor springs from rage, hay fever, overdue rent and miscellaneous hell. — Will Cuppy

I am billed as a humorist, but of course I am a tragedian at heart. — Will Cuppy

The Zebra is striped all over so that the Lion can see him and eat him. Some people say he is striped so that the Lion can not see him. These people believe that the stripes of the Zebra simulate the bars of sunlight falling through the tall jungle grasses and that therefore the Zebra is invisible and that the earth is flat. — Will Cuppy

[Footnote:] Much still remains to be learned about his sex life because the Hummingbird is quicker than the eye. — Will Cuppy

I don't like to boast, but I have probably skipped more poetry than any other person of my age and weight in this country. — Will Cuppy

Aristotle was famous for knowing everything. He taught that the brain exists merely to cool the blood and is not involved in the process of thinking. This is true only of certain persons. — Will Cuppy

Young normal tigers do not eat people. If eaten by a tiger you may rest assured he was abnormal. — Will Cuppy

The Bayeux Tapestry is accepted as an authority on many details of life and the fine points of history in the eleventh century. For instance, the horses in those days had green legs, blue bodies, yellow manes, and red heads, while the people were all double-jointed and quite different from what we generally think of as human beings. — Will Cuppy

During his fifteen years in Italy, Hannibal never had enough elephants to suit him. Most of the original group succumbed to the climate, and he was always begging Carthage for more, but the people at home were stingy. They would ask if he thought they were made of elephants and what had he done with the elephants they sent before. — Will Cuppy

The Love bird is one hundred percent faithful to his mate-who is locked into the same cage. — Will Cuppy

If you annoy the Hog-nosed Snake enough, he will roll over on his back and play dead. If you turn him right-side up , he will roll over to prove that he is dead. [Footnote:] While he is playing dead, you can go straight up to him and step on his head or smash him with a big club. — Will Cuppy

Would it not be downright cruel to keep him in semi-captivity in a town or city, where the opportunities for wreaking havoc and destruction upon the landscape are necessarily so limited? In a word, is it right to attract Wombats? — Will Cuppy

[Footnote:] The Dotterel weighs only four ounces. It has long been a scientific riddle how so much wrong-headedness can manage to exist in so small a space. Still, there's the Least Gnatcatcher. — Will Cuppy

[Footnote:] The female of any species is generally regarded as a relatively anabolic organism, more passive than the male, who is relatively katabolic and active. The fact remains that one frequently runs across a rather katabolic female. — Will Cuppy

Henry VIII had so many wives because his dynastic sense was very strong whenever he saw a maid of honour. — Will Cuppy

Armadillos make affectionate pets, if you need affection that much. — Will Cuppy

I borrow to pay my honest debts and not to squander foolishly. What's more, I confine my borrowing to those who can well afford it. I don't go around sponging on widows and orphans unless they have plenty. — Will Cuppy

The Pike is the meanest and most vicious of fresh-water fishes. This is caused by heredity and environment, or unfortunate social conditions in the water. — Will Cuppy

The average sparrow is something of a bore and the trouble is that all sparrows are average. — Will Cuppy

Other countries may boast of this and that, but nobody can touch the United States for poisonous snakes. We have about twenty species, most of them deadly, and Europe has only five or six, none of them much good. We have fifteen kinds of Rattlesnakes alone and nobody else has even one. [ There is a species in Central and South America, but it probably came from the United States ]. — Will Cuppy

Some people lose all respect for the lion unless he devours them instantly. There is no pleasing some people. — Will Cuppy

They [the Pilgrims] believed in freedom of thought for themselves and for all other people who believed exactly as they did. — Will Cuppy

The Mexicans gave the Spaniards malaria, and the Spaniards gave the Mexicans smallpox, whooping cough, diphtheria, and syphilis. The Spaniards believed it was better to give than to receive. — Will Cuppy

The Earthworm plows the whole world with his tunnels, drains and aerates the earth ... If you ever buy any land, be sure it has plenty of Earthworms toiling and moiling all day so that you can sit down and relax. — Will Cuppy

Most people, it seems, think that Robinson Crusoe when he landed on his Island had nothing to keep him from starvation or anything else. As a matter of fact he had twelve raft loads of supplies that he took off the wrecked ship. He had as much food and furniture as if he had had a delicatessen store and Fifth Avenue outside his hut. — Will Cuppy

[Footnote:] Pliny the Elder described a Whale called "Balaena or Whirlpool, which is so long and broad as to take up more in length and breadth than two acres of ground." This brings up again the old question: Are the classics doomed? Our ancestors believed that four years of this sort of information would inevitably produce a President, or at least a Cabinet Member. It didn't seem to work out that way. — Will Cuppy

Just when you're beginning to think pretty well of people, you run across somebody who puts sugar on sliced tomatoes. — Will Cuppy

I'm a poetry-skipper myself. I don't like to boast, but I have probably skipped more poetry than any other person of my age and weight in this country - make it any other two persons. This doesn't mean that I hate poetry. I don't feel that strongly about it. It only means that those who wish to communicate with me by means of the written word must do so in prose. — Will Cuppy

The pre-frontal region of the Peking man resembles that found in some parts of the Middle West. — Will Cuppy

[Footnote:] Pliny the Elder perished in 79 A.D. when he refused to flee from the great eruption of Mt. Vesuvius, insisting that everything would be all right. It wasn't. — Will Cuppy

Whenever a kangaroo puts his paws on your shoulder and gives you a big grin, that is the time to leave. — Will Cuppy

Orangutans teach us that looks are not everything-but warned near it. — Will Cuppy

All Modern Men are descended from a Wormlike creature but it shows more on some people. — Will Cuppy

Pike spawn in February, March, and April because they cannot wait until May. — Will Cuppy

During part of her childhood, Elizabeth was illegitimate. In 1534, Parliament ruled that it was treason to believe her illegitimate. In 1536, it was treason to believe her legitimate. Signals were changed again in 1543, and again in 1553. After that you could believe anything. — Will Cuppy

The moral of the story of the Pilgrims is that if you work hard all your life and behave yourself every minute and take no time out for fun you will break practically even, if you can borrow enough money to pay your taxes. — Will Cuppy

Unfortunately, this world is full of people who are ready to think the worst when they see a man sneaking out of the wrong bedroom in the middle of the night. — Will Cuppy

A few alligators are naturally of the vicious type and inclined to resent it when you prod them with a stick. You can find out which ones these are by prodding them. — Will Cuppy

As llamas have never heard of oxygen, they do not miss it. — Will Cuppy

It is really surprising what may be done in the home with a small can of paint, if you aren't careful. — Will Cuppy

Male penguins are unfaithful up to an advanced age, a phenomenon sometimes attributed to the sea air. — Will Cuppy

[Footnote:] We have no Common Vipers in the United States, but we have worse. — Will Cuppy

[Footnote:]Each male has from 2 to 790 females with whom he discusses current events. Of these he marries from 3 to 17. — Will Cuppy

You can't do much for the poor, as they are not in with the right people. — Will Cuppy

To the seeing eye life is mostly Sparrows. — Will Cuppy

Frogs will eat red-flannel worms fed to them by biologists; this proves a great deal about both parties concerned. — Will Cuppy

Let's not be too quick to blame the human race for everything. A great many species of animals became extinct before man ever appeared on earth. — Will Cuppy

If an animal does something, we call it instinct. If we do the same thing for the same reason, we call it intelligence. — Will Cuppy

Etiquette, or dog in the original Coptic, means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential. — Will Cuppy

Intelligence is the capacity to know what we are doing and instinct is just instinct. The results are about the same. — Will Cuppy

The stork is voiceless because there is really nothing to say. — Will Cuppy

Caesar might have married Cleopatra, but he had a wife at home. There's always something. — Will Cuppy

[Footnote:] The head of a Pike, served at supper, is said to have caused the death from terror of Theodoric the Goth, who imagined the fish's features to be those of Symmachus, a man he had just killed. But for this story, we of today would have no idea what Symmachus looked like. — Will Cuppy

Whales are silly once every two years. The young are called short-heads or baby blimps. Many whale romances begin in Baffin's bay and end in Procter and Gamble's factory, Staten Island. — Will Cuppy

[Footnote:] The Chameleon's face reminded Aristotle of a Baboon. Aristotle wasn't much of a looker himself. — Will Cuppy

Never call anyone a baboon unless you are sure of your facts. — Will Cuppy

He had also learned that there is no use murdering people; there are always so many left, and if you tried to murder them all you would never get anything else done. — Will Cuppy

Alexander III of Macedon is known as Alexander the Great because he killed more people of more different kinds than any other man of his time. — Will Cuppy

The trouble with the dictionary is that you have to know how a word is spelled before you can look it up to see how it is spelled. — Will Cuppy

Galvani was mistaken about the amount of electricity in frogs, but he had some good ideas, too, for the galvanometer is named in his honor, and you don't have galvanometers named after you merely for making a mistake about a frog. — Will Cuppy

There are 2,500 kinds of sponges, all of them consist largely of holes. — Will Cuppy

Borrowing has a bad name, but you would be surprised how it helps in a pinch. — Will Cuppy

A hermit is simply a person to whom civilization has failed to adjust itself. — Will Cuppy

A few Cobras in your home will soon clear it of Rats and Mice. Of course, you will still have the Cobras. — Will Cuppy