W.C. Fields Quotes & Sayings

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. — W.C. Fields

If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon. — W.C. Fields

I'm searching for loopholes. — W.C. Fields

Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians. — W.C. Fields

We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking. That this happens is a matter of record. But the blame is always placed on whisky. Why this should be I never could understand. You can die from drinking too much of anything - coffee, water, milk, soft drinks and all such stuff as that. And so as long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing. I will make mine whisky. — W.C. Fields

I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand ... and besides, I know what I dealt him! — W.C. Fields

Try till you succeed ... if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried! — W.C. Fields

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. — W.C. Fields

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. — W.C. Fields

No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men. — W.C. Fields

A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy. — W.C. Fields

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. — W.C. Fields

I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside. — W.C. Fields

In the ten years since I had run away from home ... I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime. — W.C. Fields

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. — W.C. Fields

Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died. — W.C. Fields

I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees. — W.C. Fields

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. — W.C. Fields

Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards. — W.C. Fields

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town. — W.C. Fields

When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with. — W.C. Fields

I never eat before breakfast. — W.C. Fields

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got. — W.C. Fields

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant. — W.C. Fields

The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents. — W.C. Fields

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. — W.C. Fields

I must have a drink of breakfast. — W.C. Fields

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose
to make people laugh. — W.C. Fields

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two. — W.C. Fields

There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it. — W.C. Fields

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol. — W.C. Fields

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. — W.C. Fields

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. — W.C. Fields

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually. — W.C. Fields

Never give a sucker an even break. — W.C. Fields

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth. — W.C. Fields

Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner. — W.C. Fields

I drink with impunity ... or anyone else who invites me. — W.C. Fields

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously. — W.C. Fields

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either. — W.C. Fields

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree. — W.C. Fields

The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't. — W.C. Fields

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia. — W.C. Fields

The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science! — W.C. Fields

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours. — W.C. Fields

All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips. — W.C. Fields

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. — W.C. Fields

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. — W.C. Fields

I was in love with a beautiful blond once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. — W.C. Fields

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. — W.C. Fields

You can't cheat an honest man. — W.C. Fields

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? — W.C. Fields

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent. — W.C. Fields

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty. — W.C. Fields

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. — W.C. Fields

Yes I do like children ... Girl children ... about eighteen or twenty. — W.C. Fields

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days. — W.C. Fields

I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise. — W.C. Fields

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know. — W.C. Fields

Ain't fit for man nor beast — W.C. Fields

It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors. — W.C. Fields

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. — W.C. Fields

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve. — W.C. Fields

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies. — W.C. Fields

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice! — W.C. Fields

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night. — W.C. Fields

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night — W.C. Fields

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do. — W.C. Fields

I was married once
in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad. — W.C. Fields

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. — W.C. Fields

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else. — W.C. Fields

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. — W.C. Fields

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. — W.C. Fields

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water. — W.C. Fields

I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner. — W.C. Fields

It is funnier to bend things than to break them. — W.C. Fields

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other. — W.C. Fields

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine — W.C. Fields

Here lies W.C.Fields. I'd rather be living in Philadelphia. — W.C. Fields

I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness. — W.C. Fields

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C. — W.C. Fields

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. 'I'm looking for a loop-hole,' he explained. — W.C. Fields

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his . — W.C. Fields

I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse. — W.C. Fields

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. — W.C. Fields

I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me. — W.C. Fields

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents) — W.C. Fields

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game. — W.C. Fields

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill?
Oh, thank goodness ... I thought I'd lost it. — W.C. Fields

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle. — W.C. Fields

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. — W.C. Fields

If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for. — W.C. Fields

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. — W.C. Fields

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. — W.C. Fields

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money — W.C. Fields

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. — W.C. Fields

I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky. — W.C. Fields

Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol. — W.C. Fields

No man is the boss of his own house, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead. — W.C. Fields

I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin. — W.C. Fields