Tucker Max Quotes & Sayings

The vast majority of all consequences, especially in 21st century America, are completely meaningless bullshit. — Tucker Max

Motherfucker. She leaves me no choice. Now I have to break her self-esteem, sleep with her and steal the shirt. — Tucker Max

Calling one thing 'literature' and another 'fiction' is a way to create status where there is none. — Tucker Max

The result of my hard work is that I'm financially independent, I have an amazing life, and I can do whatever I want. I don't have to answer to anybody. — Tucker Max

If you just don't have any idea what you want to do, the worst thing you can do is go to law school. If you can go to college, maybe it's fine to have four years of fun and learn a little bit, that's okay, but if you have to go two hundred thousand dollars in debt, that's not something I would recommend. — Tucker Max

One big lesson I learned from movie [making] was I don't do creative projects that I headline unless I have all the control. I can't deal with having to live with other people's screw ups, and that's just sort of the way the movie business works. The people with the money are in charge. Until I'm in charge, I don't want to play that game. — Tucker Max

The point of psychoanalysis is to really understand the roots of your behavior. Understand why you are doing the things you're doing - and connect your unconscious to your conscious. — Tucker Max

It [eBook] is like introducing the machine gun to a revolutionary war. It changes everything. If you can reach your fans directly without having to go through a middle man, the entire economics of the publishing business changes. — Tucker Max

As a general rule, whenever guys have problems approaching girls, it's because they're afraid of rejection or they're afraid of something specific. The way that you get over a fear like that is you figure out what the worst is that can happen. — Tucker Max

I always laugh when people call me a misogynist. I ... love women! Everything I do is to impress women. And if I hated women, why would half my fans be women? — Tucker Max

I think that there's a lot of guys out there that want to read the equivalent of chick lit, but really there's not being much written for them. — Tucker Max

Corporate tweets are like one robot talking to another. — Tucker Max

This may come as a shock to some of you, but I have a slightly volatile personality. I don't suffer fools well. — Tucker Max

While at the University of Chicago a couple of friends and I went to dinner at some restaurant in China Town night. Oblivious to the fact that my idiocy can be heard outside of a five-foot radius, I started in with the "You been here four hour. You go now," routine. Ha ha, we all laugh because infantile racism is funny. A little while later I walked back to the bathroom, and as I went down the hall to the "Male Room," I passed this rickety open door. I peered in to see two little Chinese kids looking at me, holding their eyes wide open with their fingers (to give a Caucasian look), and saying: "Hot Dogs! Baseball! Hot Dogs! Baseball!" I laughed so hard, I almost didn't make it to the bathroom. You win this round, Chinese kids. — Tucker Max

Random Girl after a hookup: "Do you love me"
Tucker: "I don't understand the question. — Tucker Max

I'm not West Coast at all. I was born in Atlanta, but I grew up in Kentucky, outside of Lexington, in Winchester. — Tucker Max

I tell the truth, and truth is the ultimate defense against libel. — Tucker Max

General reader feedback is usually pretty worthless. 99% of people give feedback that is irrelevant, stupid, or just flat out wrong. But that 1% of people who give good feedback are invaluable. — Tucker Max

Yinzer: DAMN!! I wish I had your balls! Tucker:I wish you had a breath mint, but I guess we don't always get what we wish for. — Tucker Max

Gotta love alcohol and sex hormones. — Tucker Max

She is trying to convince me that she never does this and is not that type of girl. It was difficult for me to understand. Her enunciation wasn't very good with my dick in her mouth. — Tucker Max

The Big Five publishing companies are dinosaurs trying to survive in a post-meteor world. They won't. — Tucker Max

Yes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but everyone forgets the second half of that quote: the road to heaven is paved with good actions. — Tucker Max

WAKE UP! WE'RE LATE FOR DRINKING!! — Tucker Max

The meaning of life is to create meaning for your life. — Tucker Max

Look, I know everything is shitty right now, but if you don't stop acting like such a bitch, someones gonna fuck that pussy on your face. — Tucker Max

Helping reproductive services doesn't just help women in isolation. It helps men just as much. — Tucker Max

If you don't have a job right now, and you have a computer and a basic intelligence level, I guarantee you can get a great job, paying really well, in less than three months. How? Learn to program. — Tucker Max

Things always work out for me because I do whatever I want without worrying about the consequences. — Tucker Max

I've never really had a media edifice supporting me. — Tucker Max

I'm sorry, but I stand by my decision. I am now a member of the elite club of people that have fought a professional team mascot. You sir, are not in that club. — Tucker Max

It used to be that companies with industrial economies of scale created business success. Now, success will come from the information economies of scale, either the ones with complete breadth, or complete depth. — Tucker Max

FK THAT. I AM TUCKER MAX. I AM BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU. — Tucker Max

Tell beautiful women they are smart, and smart women they are beautiful. — Tucker Max

Whatever your favorite food is, if you eat it every day for a month, you're going to get sick of it. — Tucker Max

The idea that guys should walk into a bar and confidently initiate contact and then seduce a woman based on a short term conversation is a toxic cultural myth that robs guys of self-confidence and that holds them up to an unrealistic standard that they have to become a super-extraverted narcissist in order to 'score with women' — Tucker Max

I think 20th century media were about tricking people - and the beauty of the Internet is you can't lie anymore. — Tucker Max

I never felt pressured to create more stories, but dealing with people became really aggravating. — Tucker Max

Publishing companies are like schoolyard bullies that can't even fight well. — Tucker Max

Mexico is a lawless place. I don't care what the UN says, or what the State Department travel advisories tell you. The fact is that Mexico, as a whole, is a narco-state run by powerful regional cartels, with a hollow and largely irrelevant central government that is nothing more than window-dressing to appease the international community. Freedom is for those who can afford it, law is for sale, and what is fair is determined by who is most powerful. That's the reality of Mexico. Cancun, Playa, Cabo, Puerto Vallarta- they are all much better than the interior of Mexico, but that is only because their survival depends on a steady flow of tourists with money to burn. To protect that, the government does a good job maintaining the appearance of western-style law and order through the direct threat of massive military intervention. Underneath it all, those places are not much different from the rest of Mexico. — Tucker Max

I was stupid when I was 17 or 18. My thought process was that I thought that I was legitimately a hyper-genius, and so I wanted to go to the hardest academic school I could to see if I was really as smart as I thought I was. — Tucker Max

A lot of people think that since I'm drunk in my stories, I must be drunk 24 hours a day. What kind of stupid logic is that? It'd be like if you saw Michael Jordan at a restaurant and were like, "Why aren't you in your basketball uniform?" I leave out way more than I put in. — Tucker Max

Opinions are projections. — Tucker Max

I've come to learn that what really matters is the relationship, the quality of the relationship. — Tucker Max

The rules your parents teach you to live by are very different than the rules the world actually runs by. Most of the conventional wisdom is not only wrong, it's a lie told to us by people who want to control us. It doesn't help us, it helps them. Pretty much everything we're told as children (and adults, really) by the established power structures in our lives are made up fairytales us to reinforce that control: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the tooth fairy, fat-free frozen dinners, religion, and metering lights on the highway
the list goes on — Tucker Max

Earl "The Goat" Manigault was probably the greatest basketball player of all time, but Michael Jordan is universally regarded as the best ever. This is because The Goat only did it at Rucker Park, while Michael did it where it mattered: in front of the world. — Tucker Max

Ladies, let me give you some advice. You can throw all your stupid fucking chick-lit, self-help, why-doesn't-he-love-me books out, because this is all you need to know: Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as "deserving" respect; you get what you demand from people.. if you demand respect, he will either respect you or he won't associate with you. It really is that simple. — Tucker Max

Guys, we spend our whole lives trying to get pussy, so when pussy comes to us, it's like, "Whoa, this is amazing!" At 27, I thought nothing could be better than that, but at 35, I've come to understand the darker side of it. — Tucker Max

I don't want to compare myself to Picasso, but he had four or five periods in his life. Any good artist grows and changes and matures. — Tucker Max

SlingBlade: If you EVER speak ill of the McGriddle again I will personally force-feed you one while I fuck you in the butt using the wrapper as a condom and then donkey punch you when the infused syrup nuggets explode in your mouth. — Tucker Max

The haters always scream the loudest. — Tucker Max

I try to explain to people that the only way to be cool is to be who you truly are, and the only way to live life is to do the things that you want to do and be the person that you want to be no matter who that is or what that is or how you have to do it. That's the only way you can be genuinely happy. — Tucker Max

Girl3 "You don't have to be a jerk"
SlingBlade "Quite the contrary, my sloppy penile scholar.Order me another drink and be quick about it. — Tucker Max

You play crotch roulette, you're gonna hit double zero once in a while. — Tucker Max

Tucker: You guys going to Milwaukee? Guy: Yes sir, heading home after a vacation. Tucker: Did you know there are midgets in Milwaukee? [The man and his wife are silent and confused.] Tucker: HUNDREDS OF THEM! — Tucker Max

My parents got divorced when I was around a year old. My dad was essentially a nonentity in my life until I got to be about 16 or so. My mom was a flight attendant for PanAm, so I moved all over the world. London, Rio de Janeiro. — Tucker Max

There aren't a whole lot of people in culture that are unapologetically masculine. — Tucker Max

Women always want the guy that other women want. — Tucker Max

I have tons of fans in Canada. I've sold hundreds of thousands of books there. — Tucker Max

Communication is not what we say, but what you hear (which is a lesson I wish our educational system understood) — Tucker Max

Probably the best explanation for my success and other Internet writers, is that we're tapping a genre or a niche out there that needs to be filled and isn't. — Tucker Max

People have proven over and over that they will read if they are given something they like. The problem with reading is not reading, its that almost everything out there sucks. For so long, publishing has been run by a cartel of snobby pseudo-intellectual failed writers, and the resulting output has reflected not what the market wants, but what they think people are supposed to read. — Tucker Max

I am Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds. — Tucker Max

My writing is authentic, and whatever happens in my life is what I write about. — Tucker Max

Anything that reflects the human condition back on humans in the entertainment medium is art. — Tucker Max

Most people's lives are nothing more than pointlessly frantic activity used as a psychological defense against their own impotence and fear. — Tucker Max

Getting offended is a great way to avoid answering questions that make you sound dumb. — Tucker Max

I'm a human. Every human is flawed. I might be flawed in different ways than some people, or worse ways than some people, or better ways than some people. — Tucker Max

Theatrical success is predominantly two variables: who the distributor is and how much money they spend. — Tucker Max

There are fun nights, there are crazy nights, and then there are those nights that make men legends. — Tucker Max

I stop paying attention because as much as I love beauty, I hate stupidity, and seeing the two combined pisses me off. — Tucker Max

I wish I could bottle the seductive look she gave me so I could sniff it when I jack off. — Tucker Max

No one has probably helped me more with my narcissism than my dog. — Tucker Max

The general intellectual level of South Florida is somewhere just above "functionally retarded". — Tucker Max

9:00: I don't know what I want. I just point at the Dollar Menu and say, 'Give me all of that. — Tucker Max

I feel like taking her money AND her soul is not cool. One or the other. — Tucker Max

In training, there is no winning or losing. There is only learning. — Tucker Max

Obviously, I love Japanese food. My favorite TV show of all time, without exception, is 'Iron Chef.' Not the stupid American version; 'Iron Chef' Japanese; the real one, the one that was on in Japan ... my DVR for years was set to record almost every single 'Iron Chef' episode. — Tucker Max

I'm never going to be Tolstoy. — Tucker Max

You know, even big-time academics kind of have groupies. Anyone with any sort of fame. So, like, in your micro-world, or in your niche, you're kind of like a celebrity. — Tucker Max

Two girls called me closed minded. I tell them that they are so open-minded their brains leaked out. — Tucker Max

Halloween revolves around delicious candy, excessive alcohol, and horny women dressed as sluts. This also describes my vision of Heaven. — Tucker Max

I laugh at people who say things like 'I'm a good person, I just do bad things.' No, that's not how it works. What you do IS who you are. — Tucker Max

Leave it up to hipster nerds to pretend to hate something that they actually want — Tucker Max

Hey man, so can you speak to dolphins and pilot whales with that forehead of yours? — Tucker Max

There is no number or level of success that would make me think, 'Wow, I didn't think that was possible.' — Tucker Max

Frankly, I'd rather make a little bit less money if it means living in a better world for books and publishing in the future. — Tucker Max

One of life's great secrets: women don't look for handsome men, they look for men with beautiful women. — Tucker Max

Due to the potent combination of my sexual recklessness and the slutty nature of some of the girls I have slept with, I have accumulated enough stories and anecdotes about abortion that they could name a Planned Parenthood clinic after me. — Tucker Max

When I give speeches at college, I don't tell stories, I talk about what it is to live your dreams and take the path less traveled. — Tucker Max

I started writing because it was about making my friends laugh, and when you're talking to your friends, you can't bullshit. — Tucker Max

Ladies, you may not realize this, understand this, or even believe this, but everything else we do is ultimately for you. Men don't do anything-create art, build businesses, donate to charity, invent things, or do anything noteworthy-for any reason other than to impress women, and thus get them to have sex with us. If women didn't exist, we'd still just be naked grunting apes living in caves. In a very real way, pussy is the key to human civilization. You don't have to like it, but it's a fact; if you understand it, you understand men. — Tucker Max

His first question shows how well he knows me:
TheRoommate: Did you take any money out of her purse? — Tucker Max

8:58 We go to McDonald's. The woman in front of me in line spends more than five seconds contemplating her order. This infuriates me, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?? MC-SEABASS?? IT'S THE GODDAMN MCDONALDS'S MENU, IT'S BEEN THE SAME FOR TEN YEARS! IT'S ALL MCSHIT!JUST ORDER! — Tucker Max

You show me a truly funny girl who doesn't have emotional issues, and I'll introduce you to my stable of unicorn thoroughbreds ridden by leprechaun jockeys. — Tucker Max

5:16 I shotgun two beers, piss out the bedroom window, catcall passing girls, burp violently, put cage fighting on tv, play with myself. I feel manly again. — Tucker Max

I'm fresh out of fucks to give. — Tucker Max

To get hwat you want out of life, all you really need to do is be honest about it, don't be afraid to go for it, and have fun while you do it
and you'll eventually get it. — Tucker Max

The great stories go to those who aren't afraid to live them — Tucker Max

She was quite promiscuous, to the point where dating her was similar to the experience of sitting on a warm toilet seat: — Tucker Max