Tina Fey Quotes & Sayings

I don't live the single life and never really did. — Tina Fey

The rules of improvisation appealed to me not only as a way of creating comedy, but as a worldview. Studying improvisation literally changed my life. It set me on a career path toward Saturday Night Live. It changed the way I look at the world, and it's where I met my husband. What has your cult done for you lately? — Tina Fey

I was ten years old. I had noticed something was weird earlier in the day but I knew from commercials that one's menstrual period was a blue liquid that you poured like laundry detergent onto maxi pads to test their absorbency. This wasn't blue so ... I ignored it for a few hours.
When we got home I pulled my mom aside to ask if it was weird I was bleeding in my underpants. She was very sympathetic but also a little baffled. Her eyes said "Dummy didn't you read 'How Shall I Tell My Daughter ". I HAD read it but nowhere in the pamphlet did anyone say that your period was NOT a blue liquid.
At that moment two things became clear to me I was now technically a woman and I would never be a doctor. — Tina Fey

A book hasn't caused me this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber pole factory — Tina Fey

I can't possibly take time off for a second baby, unless I do, in which case that is nobody's business and I'll never regret it for a moment unless it ruins my life. — Tina Fey

No other formula gives your baby a better start in life except that stuff that comes out of you for free. — Tina Fey

Because, like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I was embraced by the gays. They loved me and praised me. I was funny and so mean and mature for my age! — Tina Fey

Don't be too precious or attached to anything you write. Let things be malleable. For sketch writers, remember they're called sketches for a reason. They're not called oil paintings. Some of them are going to stink. You have to let them stink. — Tina Fey

I love to play strippers and to imitate them. I love using that idea for comedy, but the idea of actually going there? I feel like we all need to be better than that. That industry needs to die, by all of us being a little bit better than that. — Tina Fey

We writers dream of a future where actors are mostly computer generated and their performances can be adjusted, by us, on a laptop, alone. — Tina Fey

Feminists do the best Photoshop because they leave the meat on your bones. They don't change your size or your skin color. They leave in your disgusting knuckles, but they may take out some armpit stubble. Not because they're denying its existence, but because they understand that it's okay to make a photo look as if you were caught on your best day in the best light. — Tina Fey

We're gonna promote freedom. Usher in democratic values and ideals. And fight terror-loving terrorists. — Tina Fey

There should be a new, more honest euphemism. Like, I'm leaving office because I plan to solicit more anonymous sex in bathrooms. — Tina Fey

The Rule of Agreement reminds you to "respect what your partner has created" and to at least start from an open-minded place. Start with a YES and see where that takes you. — Tina Fey

Your characters should be as smart as you are, if not smarter. — Tina Fey

Pentagon records show that at least 8,000 members of the all-volunteer U.S. Army have deserted since the Iraq war began. Hey, at least somebody has an exit strategy. — Tina Fey

I want every day to be the most boring news day ever. I want every day to be about spelling bee champions and baby basketball. It's better to have no comedy material than a horrific news day. — Tina Fey

Some people work with a trainer, some people work with a stylist. I work with a celebrity fecalist. A fecalist is basically a person who comes and collects my stools, and then examines them to see if I'm eating right and if I should be drinking more water and what my moods should be. — Tina Fey

Ladies gotta say no to their husbands at the movies. They gotta say: "No, we are watching back-to-back cancer movies. And then this movie about a cat." — Tina Fey

I became immersed in the cult of improvisation. I was like one of those athletes trying to get into the Olympics. It was all about blind focus. I was so sure that I was doing exactly what I'd been put on this earth to do, and I would have done anything to make it onto that stage. — Tina Fey

Covered in slivered almonds and soaked in booze, Italian rum cake is everything kids hate about everything. No one even ate it. It just got thrown away. Cake Time is supposed to be the climax of a birthday, but instead it was a crushing disappointment for all. I imagine it's like being at a bachelor party only to find that the stripper has overdosed in the bathroom. — Tina Fey

After college, I knew I wanted to work in comedy, so the first thing I did was go to where the comedy was. I moved from Charlottesville to Chicago, because that's where The Second City and Improv Olympics are. You have to go wherever you need to go to study what interests you. — Tina Fey

In 1995, each cast at The Second City was made up of four men and two women. When it was suggested that they switch one of the companies to three men and three women, the producers and directors had the same panicked reaction. 'You can't do that. There won't be enough parts to go around. There won't be enough for the girls.' This made no sense to me, probably because I speak English and have never had a head injury. We weren't doing _Death of a Salesman._ _We were making up the show ourselves. How could there not be enough parts?_ If everyone had something to contribute, there would be enough. The insulting implication, of course, was that the women wouldn't have any ideas. — Tina Fey

Lionel Hampton would invite a woman from the audience to dance with him, but — Tina Fey

It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all 12 of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A spokesman for the Knicks said, 'if this is what it takes to win, it's not worth it.' — Tina Fey

Harvard is Classical Military Theory, Improv is Vietnam — Tina Fey

I really like John McCain. He's an awesome dude and was a lot of fun when he hosted "SNL." I'd love to see a McCain-Giuliani "rage" ticket. — Tina Fey

Q: Is 30 Rock the most racist show on television? A: No, in my opinion it's NFL football. Why do they portray all those guys as murderers and rapists? — Tina Fey

Sometimes they ask if you want to hook up your iPod for background music. Do not do this. It's a trap. They'll put it on shuffle, and no matter how much Beastie Boys or Velvet Underground you have on there, the following four tracks will play in a row; "We'd Like to Thank You Herbert Hoover" from Annie, "Hold On" by Wilson Phillips, "That's What Friends Are For, Various Artists, and "We'd Like to Thank You Herbert Hoover" from Annie. — Tina Fey

Every kid has something they're good at, that you hope they find and gravitate toward. — Tina Fey

It was scary to be in that world of politics. I felt uncomfortable to be in that discussion. The weird thing is, when Darrell Hammond or Will Ferrell or Dana Carvey did an impersonation of a president, no one assumed it was personal, but because Sarah Palin and I are both women and people think women are meaner to each other, everyone assumed it was personal. — Tina Fey

Children and Jimmy Carter ruin your best laid plans. — Tina Fey

At the upcoming Grammy Awards, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will perform together as the first time, as man and wife. Hopefully music. — Tina Fey

He alternated between ignoring me and shooting me disdainful looks that clearly said Who is this ugly off-brand non-sorority girl ruining our homo-erotic bro-times? — Tina Fey

I don't know how many more movies I'm going to get the opportunity to make and I don't want to look back and go: "Man, I just floated through that one." Or: "I did that one for the money." I want to be able to say that I worked as a hard as I could and I did the best work that I could do. — Tina Fey

I was taken to an examining room where a big butch nurse practitioner came in and asked me if I was pregnant. "No way!" Was I sexually active? "Nope!" Had I ever been molested? "Well," I said, trying to make a joke, "Oprah says the only answers to that question are 'Yes' and 'I don't remember.' " I laughed. We were having fun. The nurse looked at me, concerned/annoyed. — Tina Fey

The sketch should lead the cutting pattern, which is to say content should dictate style, which is to say that in TV the writer is king. — Tina Fey

Wafah Dufour bin Laden, niece of Osama bin Laden has signed a contract to star in a reality show ... called Skating with the Nieces of Terrorists. — Tina Fey

I know it's bullshit that I say "babysitter" instead of nanny. What I have is a full-time nanny, and I should be roundly punished for trying to make it seem like the teenager next door comes over one night a week. But I don't like the word "nanny." It gives me class anxiety and race anxiety. And that is why I will henceforth refer to our nanny as our Coordinator of Toddlery. — Tina Fey

Sometimes you want to have a very productive Saturday to feel that you are in control of your life, which of course you are not. — Tina Fey

Again, don't waste your energy trying to educate or change opinions, go over, under, through. — Tina Fey

You mostly know that you want to be funny, know that you have the desire. It's not like people who grow up beautiful and can look in the mirror and be like, I'm beautiful! Funny is more of a journey. And a desperate attempt. — Tina Fey

This requires a level of delusion/egomania usually reserved for popes and drag queens — Tina Fey

It's a burden, being able to control situations with my hyper-vigilance, but it's my lot in life. Some — Tina Fey

Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff? "I'm not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I'm just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I'd like to cut your chest open." The crowd cheers. — Tina Fey

You transition as a mother from literally just pulling a booger out of that person's nose whenever you see one until at some point they assert: "No, I'm a person. You can't fix my underpants on the subway." — Tina Fey

I had to face the fact that I had been using my gay friends as props. They were always supposed to be funny and entertain me and praise me and listen to my problems, and their life was supposed to be a secret that no one wanted to hear about. I wanted them to stay in the half closet. — Tina Fey

This made no sense to me, probably because I speak English and have never had a head injury. — Tina Fey

Perhaps you're a parent and you bought this book to learn how to raise an achievement-oriented, drug-free adult virgin ... The essential ingredients, I can tell you up front, are a strong father figure, bad skin, and a child-sized colonial-lady outfit. — Tina Fey

In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea." — Tina Fey

Everybody kind of gets to be the person they didn't get to be. — Tina Fey

There are so many quiet times you spend as a mother that aren't glorified but are a foundation for your kids. No matter what, there was always a thick safety net under this trapeze. — Tina Fey

Contrary to what I believed as a little girl, being the boss almost never involves marching around, waving your arms, and chanting, I am the boss! I am the boss! — Tina Fey

I'm still technically employed by the National Broadcasting Company. — Tina Fey

The Washington State Supreme Court on Thursday announced a two year suspension for a lawyer caught having jailhouse sex with a triple murder defendant she was representing. Haha! Jokes on you, dummies ... I'm not really a lawyer. — Tina Fey

It doesn't matter if it's a school play or a dumb TV show. It's your work. You should care about it so much that people get annoyed with you. — Tina Fey

And when she [her daughter] one day turns on me and calls me a
Bitch in front of Hollister,
Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a
cab in front of her friends,
For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it. — Tina Fey

What's that you say? None of them want that? You are correct. So I spent four years attempting to charm the uninterested. — Tina Fey

If everyone had a dad like mine, no one would have sex tapes. — Tina Fey

Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion. — Tina Fey

Nothing gives you a fear flashback like a bunch of strangers cheering in surprise that you're not dead. — Tina Fey

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am all about money. I mean, just look how well my line of zodiac-inspired toe rings and homeopathic children's medications are selling on Home Shopping Network. — Tina Fey

Brendan suddenly 'came out' to me. In my experience, the hardest thing about having someone 'come out' to you is the 'pretending to be surprised' part. You want him to feel like what he's telling you is Big. It's like, if somebody tells you they're pregnant, you don't say, 'I did notice you've been eating like a hog lately.' Your gay friend has obviously made a big decision to say the words out loud. You don't want him to realize that everybody's known this since he was ten and he wanted to be Bert Lahr for Halloween. Not the Cowardly Lion, but Bert Lahr. 'Oh, my gosh, no waaaay?' You stall, trying to think of something more substantial to say. 'Is everyone, like, freaking out? What a ... wow. — Tina Fey

We like to think of ourselves as the most exciting theater company in Chicago". I tried a joke. "I like to think of myself as the most beautiful woman in the world. But where will that get either of us, really? — Tina Fey

I'm a working parent and I understand that sometimes you want to have a very productive Saturday to feel that you are in control of your life, which of course you are not. Children and Jimmy Carter ruin all your best-laid plans. — Tina Fey

"Admission" is Paul Weitz's movie. This is Karen Croner - the screenwriter's - movie. To have such a lovely role in such a beautifully written script offered to me, it's like elves made the shoes. — Tina Fey

I like to delude myself that I'm in the old-Hollywood mode. I just tailor my clothes well and try to keep my skin clear. While it would be great to work out an hour a day, there is something inherently sort of selfish about it. I can't do it. — Tina Fey

If you watch [The] Search for Signs of Intelligent Life [in the Universe], or The Incredible Shrinking Woman, or 9 to 5, there is a lot of gender politics at the forefront of Lily Tomlin work, which was kind of thrilling for me to be watching as a 10-, 11-, 12-year-old kid. — Tina Fey

Apparently, that morning both Lorne's doorman and Robert De Niro had stopped him to say how uncanny the resemblance was. Did we dare disappoint Frank the Doorman and Robert De Niro? — Tina Fey

I think for women especially, you need to have a plan. I need to have some other ways to generate income, so I don't have to stretch my face or lift the top of my head with surgery or something. — Tina Fey

When I turned 50, I looked in the mirror and I thought: "Hey, this isn't the dress rehearsal, this is life and I don't know how much longer I'm going to have!" — Tina Fey

Life is improvisation. All of those [improv] classes were like church to me. The training had seeped into me and changed who I am. — Tina Fey

There are a couple of things I want to impart to ladies who want to be in comedy: One, you don't have to be weird or be quirky to get your job done. And two, comedy skill is not sexually transmittable. You do not have to sleep with a comedian to learn what you're doing. Male comedians will not like that advice, but it is the truth. — Tina Fey

I was the editor of the school newspaper and in drama club and choir, so I was not a popular girl in the traditional sense, but I think I was known for being relatively scathing. — Tina Fey

Life is improvisation. — Tina Fey

I only hope that one day I can frighten my daughter this much. Right now, she's not scared of my husband or me at all. I think it's a problem. I was a freshman home from college the first time my dad said, "You're going out at ten p.m.? I don't think so," and I just laughed and said, "It's fine." I feel like my daughter will be doing that to me by age six.
How can I give her what Don Fey gave me? The gift of anxiety. The fear of getting in trouble. The knowledge that while you are loved, you are not above the law. The Worldwide Parental Anxiety System is failing if this many of us have made sex tapes. — Tina Fey

I've never understood why every character being "hot" was necessary for enjoying a TV show. — Tina Fey

That turned-up collar. The jacket that zipped all the way down the front into a nice fitted shape. The white denim that made my untanned skin look like a color. — Tina Fey

was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft" is an adjective I just made up that means "Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum. — Tina Fey

Everyone is quiet. Which is the wooooooorst. It's scary when a group of people all know instinctively not to joke around. — Tina Fey

I guess what I would tell women is to get their education first, before having kids. That way they can keep their options open down the road. I also think that it shouldn't necessarily be an issue just for women, that men should be part of the stay-home discussion too. — Tina Fey

Kay Cannon was a woman I'd known from the Chicago improv world. A beautiful, strong midwestern gal who had played lots of sports and run track in college, Kay had submitted a good writing sample, but I was more impressed by her athlete's approach to the world. She has a can-do attitude, a willingness to learn through practice, and she was comfortable being coached. Her success at the show is a testament to why all parents should make their daughters pursue team sports instead of pageants. Not that Kay couldn't win a beauty pageant - she could, as long as for the talent competition she could sing a karaoke version of 'Redneck Woman' while shooting a Nerf rifle. — Tina Fey

As an improviser, I always find it jarring when I meet someone in real life whose first answer is no. "No, we can't do that." "No, that's not in the budget." "No, I will not hold your hand for a dollar." What kind of way is that to live? — Tina Fey

I'm not a fan of purposely farting in front of other people. If you have to fart, leave the room. — Tina Fey

The music seems creepy, like when children sing in a horror movie — Tina Fey

A little tiny person with nothing to worry about running in circles, worried out of her mind. — Tina Fey

We're all comedy fans in my family. My parents mainly wouldn't let me watch stuff that was either annoying to them, or just garbage. My dad wouldn't let us watch 'The Flintstones' if he was home, because he said it was a rip-off of 'The Honeymooners'. But he would let us stay up really late in the summer and watch old 'Honeymooners'. — Tina Fey

Quentin Tarantino is here, star of all my sexual nightmares. — Tina Fey

Someone once said that to make a regular person laugh, you need to dress a guy up like an old lady and push him down the stairs. To make a comedy writer laugh, you have to push a real old lady down the stairs. I don't know who that's attributed to. I think it's Aristophanes. Or Catherine the Great. — Tina Fey

I'm such a fan of Lily's Tomlin, for so many years. I feel like Lily was the first popular mainstream crossover comedian who also was kind of an overtly feminist comedian. — Tina Fey

I went through a phase where I was sick of acting, I didn't want to do it anymore, I was bored with it and then I tried directing a movie and I was like: "Shoot, get back over there!" It made me appreciate acting more. — Tina Fey

Ah, babies! They're more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts. — Tina Fey

Pilot scripts are particularly difficult to write because you have to introduce all the characters without it feeling like a series of introductions. — Tina Fey

In my limited experience, shows are like children. You can teach them manners and dress them in little sailor suits, but in the end, they're going to be who they're going to be. — Tina Fey

Amy Poehler and I have been friends for so long, we're like Oprah and Gale. Only we're not denying anything. — Tina Fey

Your initiations are worthwhile. — Tina Fey

I'm more of a writer than an actor, and I used to say that I'm mostly an improviser, though I haven't improvised in awhile. — Tina Fey

A new study suggests that middle-aged adults who go on periodic drinking binges may face a heightened risk of dementia later on in life. The study is entitled, 'National Strategy for Victory in Iraq.' — Tina Fey

Luxury cruises were designed to make something unbearable (a two week transatlantic crossing) seem bearable. There's no need to do it now, there are planes. You wouldn't take a vacation where you ride on a stage coach for two months but there's all-you-can-eat shrimp. You wouldn't take a vacation where you had an old-timey appendectomy without anesthesia while steel drums play. You might take a vacation while riding on a camel for two days IF they gave you those little animal towels wearing your sunglasses. — Tina Fey

A French newspaper accidentally ran a picture of Amy and me from the Katie Couric sketch thinking it was a picture of Couric and Palin. Although I think that had less to do with the "power of satire" and more to do with the fact that to the French, we are all indistinguishable fat dough balls. — Tina Fey