Steven Wright Famous Quotes & Sayings

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.' — Steven Wright

I'm addicted to placebos. — Steven Wright

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had. — Steven Wright

The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards. — Steven Wright

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'. — Steven Wright

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. — Steven Wright

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows. — Steven Wright

George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it. — Steven Wright

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head. — Steven Wright

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.' — Steven Wright

I'm actually writing a short story about a photographer who went completely insane trying to take a close up photo of the horizon. — Steven Wright

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? — Steven Wright

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start ... — Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. — Steven Wright

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. — Steven Wright

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes. — Steven Wright

Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. — Steven Wright

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old. — Steven Wright

A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it' — Steven Wright

I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. — Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. — Steven Wright

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. — Steven Wright

I just lost a buttonhole. — Steven Wright

Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em. — Steven Wright

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? — Steven Wright

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. — Steven Wright

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired. — Steven Wright

Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match. — Steven Wright

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. — Steven Wright

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? — Steven Wright

OK, so what's the speed of dark? — Steven Wright

I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. — Steven Wright

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. — Steven Wright

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? — Steven Wright

Do you have any toy train schedules? — Steven Wright

What's another word for thesaurus? — Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. — Steven Wright

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell. — Steven Wright

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics. — Steven Wright

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting". — Steven Wright

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. — Steven Wright

I can't stop thinking like this. — Steven Wright

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. — Steven Wright

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. — Steven Wright

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit . — Steven Wright

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. — Steven Wright

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. — Steven Wright

I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. — Steven Wright

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? — Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I didn't have that much time. — Steven Wright

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese. — Steven Wright

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. — Steven Wright

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back. — Steven Wright

I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. — Steven Wright

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, Got any shoes you're not using? — Steven Wright

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four." — Steven Wright

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. — Steven Wright

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! — Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? — Steven Wright

In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks. — Steven Wright

I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. — Steven Wright

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time ... — Steven Wright

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically! — Steven Wright

At one point he decided enough was enough. — Steven Wright

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology ... the study of milkmen. — Steven Wright

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and ... ooooohhhhhh, that's much better. — Steven Wright

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. — Steven Wright

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings. — Steven Wright

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? — Steven Wright

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram. — Steven Wright

Write from Beyond what you know. From the authority of your senses. -author of Meditations in Green — Steven Wright

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway. — Steven Wright

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." — Steven Wright

If heat rises, heaven must be hotter than hell. — Steven Wright

I've been thinking of humorous things since I was ... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now. — Steven Wright

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band. — Steven Wright

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read" — Steven Wright

I have a map of the united states ... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile. — Steven Wright

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? — Steven Wright

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. — Steven Wright

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram. — Steven Wright

What a nice night for an evening. — Steven Wright

The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is. — Steven Wright

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. — Steven Wright

Sorry ... my mind was wandering ... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for. — Steven Wright

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody's perfect so I stopped practicing. — Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. — Steven Wright

Day 1
Still tired from the move. Day 2
Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot. — Steven Wright

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. — Steven Wright