Samantha Schutz Quotes & Sayings

I feel
empty
confused
hurt
numb
disoriented
mad
vulnerable
insignificant
blurry
tired
sweaty
overwhelmed
temporary
anxious — Samantha Schutz

I know I am sick, I just thought I was better. — Samantha Schutz

I have been telling myself
that these feelings are new,
but they aren't,
I just didn't connect them before — Samantha Schutz

I don't think that I am happy,
but then again, I don't know.
Sometimes I get so caught up
in the process of living--
of eating, dressing, taking the train to work,
that I don't give it enough thought.
Maybe happiness is being content.
But is it really? — Samantha Schutz

Putting the potential for damage into someone else's hands is scary. I have to have control, even if it is the power to self-destruct. — Samantha Schutz

I am in a house. I am in one room and my anxiety is in another. It's close. I can feel it. I can go to it. But I won't. — Samantha Schutz

The moment I drove away in September I felt like someone was following our car with an eraser, rubbing out my old life. — Samantha Schutz

Is this what all the years of schooling were for?
To prepare me for this
Sense of being stuck in the middle?
What was the point?
No one said I was going to be this sad.
No one said I would still be crying. — Samantha Schutz

But shouldn't a limitless possibility of bad open the spectrum for a limitless possibility of good? — Samantha Schutz

We need a voice from the outside because our own voices cannot be trusted. — Samantha Schutz

Even the pigeons are dancing, kissing,
going in circles, mounting each other.
Paris is the city of love,
even for the birds. — Samantha Schutz

Everyone is looking up toward us, but I am looking back. — Samantha Schutz

All of a sudden the world opened up
and it's doing it again now.
In this garden there are so many stories,
so many other problems besides mine. — Samantha Schutz

So afraid to go outside,
to be happy,
to be with other people,
because they do not understand what it is like. — Samantha Schutz

I crave broken men.
When I try to save other people
am I trying to save myself?
Am I covering up for my lack of strength
by putting people back together?
I am tired.
I want someone to save me -
build an intricate web
and place it beneath me in case I fall. — Samantha Schutz

Where you are
and what you are doing
is something you have done
dozens of times before
without any problems
Recognize that you are going to get out of this
that you always get out of this
that you are going to live
that you won't go crazy
I am telling you that you will live,
because you always live,
because you are strong
and beautiful. — Samantha Schutz

I am trying to find myself
in all of the chaos,
find something that I can call me
inside the screams and inside
the 'you shoulds' and 'you have to bes. — Samantha Schutz

I have found a comfortable space- five feet six inches, one hundred and thirty pounds, with long fingers and toes, small breasts, and I like what I see. — Samantha Schutz

All bad nights come to an end. — Samantha Schutz

I'm trying to decide what's worse. Someone being gone, but still out there, or someone being gone forever, dead. I think someone being gone, but still out there, might be worse. Then there's always the chance, the hoping, the wondering if things might change. If maybe one day he'll come back. There's also the wondering about what his new life is like. The life without you. Is he happier? And if he is, you're left being sad, wondering what it would be like if you were happy with him. But when someone is dead, he's dead. He's not coming back. There is no second chance. Death is a period at the end of a sentence. Someone gone, but still out there, is an ellipsis ... or a question to be answered. — Samantha Schutz

I shut my eyes
and see a pocket of darkness.
I want to fold myself
flat and crisp,
slip inside of it
like a sheet of paper
into an envelope. — Samantha Schutz

I am left with a feeling and I cannot tell if it's emptiness or fullness. — Samantha Schutz

I cry and wonder
how I'm going to fall asleep
because sleeping means waking
and going through all this again — Samantha Schutz

But waiting is killing me. Don't they understand? Don't they remember what it feels like? I want to have things settled. I can't stand the idea of not knowing. — Samantha Schutz

It's weird to hear this again -
to hear how I was perceived
by people before they got to know me.
Some of the girls thought I was a bitch -
aloof, distant -
but now they see the truth. — Samantha Schutz

I visit him a few times downtown
while he paints.
We talk about how he's going to Spain
for the fall semester
and he shows me a painting he did
and points to this one part,
a bridge, and tells me he thought of me
when he painted it.
It is so sad
how knowing something
so small
can make me so happy. — Samantha Schutz

She becomes the voice of reason
when there is none — Samantha Schutz

When I try to save other people am I trying to save myself? Am I covering up for my lack of strength by putting people back together? — Samantha Schutz

I want things so bad that I force them, push them until they tear. — Samantha Schutz

I feel like a marionette -
like someone else is pulling the strings
and I have no choice but to comply. — Samantha Schutz

It would seem that losing the sadness would be a good thing, but it has been replaced by nothing -a quiet acceptance of this boring, everyday life. I think it's even worse than being miserable. At least being miserable is active. — Samantha Schutz

It feels like I have a raging fever, like my insides are melting. This must be what it feels like the moment before you die. — Samantha Schutz

When kids make gross face,
parents say, "One day
your face is going to stick like that."
I'm afraid that one day
my panic's going to stick
and it's going to be my entire life,
every second,
and there will be nothing else. — Samantha Schutz

I miss how things were familiar with him, even if it was the familiar feeling of being let down. — Samantha Schutz

I don't like this idea
It is too much focus
on something I am trying to forget
I am afraid
that this attention to detail
will only fuel my anxiety — Samantha Schutz

I am not happy. I am not unhappy. I am frozen somewhere in the middle that is so much worse. I am nowhere. Nothing is happening and I am getting more and more sad. — Samantha Schutz

It's good to know that I'm not the only unsuicidal person thinking about killing herself. — Samantha Schutz

I have only a general sense of the pain, of not being able to control my body and my thoughts. All I ever wanted was to have control- to be in charge of myself and the rest of the world. — Samantha Schutz

I am jealous of the little kid
spinning around near the fountain.
What would these people think
if I were to start spinning
with my arms spread wide?
A lunatic on drugs, probably.
My greatest accomplishment here is not caring,
letting go of other people's opinions.
I am not wound as tight.
I can let go,
just no spinning yet. — Samantha Schutz

I am the cure and the disease. — Samantha Schutz

Most days I go home crying
and my dad tells me
welcome to the real world. — Samantha Schutz

I am fearful of romantic dinners,
huge crowds, dusk -
of normal things-
afraid to be loved,
the one thing I want most.
Maybe it's because I don't think I deserve it
because I am not that perfect
little girl that I was supposed to be,
well manicured and well groomed,
because I have nervous breakdowns,
and take pills,
and keep moving on. — Samantha Schutz

This hurts more than anything else because I cannot stop it. — Samantha Schutz

Protection does not come in a bottle. It is in me, in my actions, in my thoughts. I am the best medicine for myself. I am the cure and the disease. — Samantha Schutz

I can't believe
no one else can hear
I am screaming
inside my head.
Things are moving too fast.
I am going to die.
I am going to die.
I am going to die.
My hands are shaking.
I try to squeeze them, try to make it stop,
but now my fists are shaking,
and this shaking is working it's way through me.
It must look like I am having a fit.
I want to let the scream out,
but I think if I start,
I'll never stop.
It's not supposed to be like this.
I am too young to die.
I don't know how to make this end,
and if it doesn't, I'll have to go to the hospital,
be medicated, force-fed soft foods.
I don't want to be that person.
I am not that person.
I am not.
I am not. — Samantha Schutz

I am so close to the edge that I could vomit, so close that it would be easy to jump. — Samantha Schutz

The panic, a voice in the distance -loud enough to hear, but quiet enough to ignore. — Samantha Schutz

I feel racing and suspension all at once. — Samantha Schutz

Most days it feels like I am watching a movie
where the sound isn't in sync,
the speed is all wrong.
Either I'm moving too quickly
and the world is dripping along,
or the world is moving too quickly, cosmic,
and I'm oozing like a slug
barely able to pull my own weight.
It's best if I keep moving
because if I stopped and stood still
people would see me shaking. — Samantha Schutz

An eye here, lips there, all misplaced and disjointed, all make sense. — Samantha Schutz

I could always count on him letting me down. — Samantha Schutz

My heart is empty.
But my brain -
my brain is full.
It races with thoughts
of what could have been. — Samantha Schutz