Robert Rankin Quotes & Sayings

This is not the way things are done in Boy's Own Adventure books. I recall no mentions of homosexual gang-rape and cannibalism — Robert Rankin

The Professor shook his head. 'On the contrary, my motives are most simple, to advance science and to combat evil. — Robert Rankin

Neville flexed his nostrils, he didn't like the smell of this. The young man was clearly a monomaniac — Robert Rankin

He could probably have persuaded even Cerberus to leave his post and go off in search of a few dog biscuits. — Robert Rankin

Probably one of those sinister organisations that lurked behind the mask of amusing acronym, such as BUM, for example - the Bermondsey Union of Minstrels. Or WILLY, the Whitechapel Institution for Long-Legged Yodellers. It could be any one of a hundred such evil cabals. With the notable exception of the Meritorious Union For Friendship, Decency, Individualism, Virtue and Educational Resources, who were above reproach. — Robert Rankin

There were large and small ones too. And some quite in-between. But all of equal nastiness.
And smelliness and ghastliness.
For they would eat a fellow up, as one might fish and chips — Robert Rankin

Pooley hunched closer to his pint. 'A pox on it all,' said he. 'The Swan packed full of these idiots, old Soap flushed away round the proverbial S-bend and Cowboy Night looming up before us with about as much promise as the coming of Ragnorok! — Robert Rankin

Calm down please, sir, if you will,' said the bobby, still retaining a firm hold upon the horse's reins. ' "Stolen" is such an ugly word. It is not technically stealing if you are a British archaeologist and you acquire items of historical significance in the savage realms and liberate them to civilisation. — Robert Rankin

- It's a small matter, but one which I think shouldn't be overlooked.
- Oh Yes? And that is?
- That is the simple matter that time travel is an impossibility, you craven buffoon!
- Not with the latest miracle of modern horticulture ... Gentlemen, please allow me to introduce you to THE TIME SPROUT !
'Pleased to be here' said the vegetable in question. — Robert Rankin

Who was there to guide them? The words of self-obsessed politicians, egotistical media personalities, power-crazed newspaper magnates and half-mad clerics? Who could reason sensibly when supplied with all the wrong information for all the wrong reasons? — Robert Rankin

What is believed to be a fact is only a fact until another fact supersedes it. Science is only a fashion. Nothing more. — Robert Rankin

Jamadars and bheesties,' said the helmsman. 'Not to mention the major-domos, lordly lamplighters and twisted firestarters.' 'Twisted firestarters?' enquired the detective. 'I told you not to mention them. — Robert Rankin

Need to get to Ruislip by sparrow-fart though', said the squadron leader. 'Think you can do that? Can I come along for the ride? — Robert Rankin

Yes, I have over the years done a lot of the audio books, which are just plain reading. — Robert Rankin

Still,' whispered Jack, 'you have to keep at it. Overcome the miseries of vomiting and the whirling pit. Pay your dues and work towards the real rewards of big-time adult drinking. Something to look forward to. — Robert Rankin

Now, it's a fact well known to those who know it well that prophets of doom only attain popularity when they get the drinks in all around. — Robert Rankin

Have you ever head this theory about drinking yourself sober?' Eddie asked. 'It's a very popular theory. Amongst drunks, anyway. — Robert Rankin

If there are no spots on a sugar cube then I've just put a dice in my tea. — Robert Rankin

And there's the Midnight Growlers, a philosophical movement dedicated to high spiritual ideals and the pursuit of truth and -'
Beer,' said Tinto. — Robert Rankin

It was joy, joy, happy joy.
Happy, happy joy.
A big fat smiley sun rose above the rooftops and beamed down its blessings onto the borough known as Brentford. — Robert Rankin

Omally shook his head. 'Police stations are bad places to break into, this is well known. — Robert Rankin

I always had a problem when I did the audio books myself because they weren't made to have me doing all the voices. And to hear established actors, and you think, 'Wow, that sounds like it's supposed to sound,' is great. They've got the right inflections, which is an enormous skill. — Robert Rankin

The rain lashed down upon Brentford and Pope Alexander VI raised his massive arm and pointed towards Archroy and the young priest. 'You, I will make an example of,' he roared. 'You will know the exquisite agonies of lingering death.' Archroy thumbed his nose. 'Balls,' said he. — Robert Rankin

Only if I am going to die, I should prefer to die as I have lived, drunkenly. — Robert Rankin

Her hair was simply red and her coat was deacon blue. — Robert Rankin

What's that, Barry?'
'Nothing, chief! — Robert Rankin

When you write, you hear the characters speaking to you as you take dictation from what they say. And obviously, they had particular personalities when you hear them. — Robert Rankin

I hope you grow up to be as good a mother as your father — Robert Rankin

Pooley rose to investigate but the Professor restrained him with a firm and unyielding hand. Jim marvelled at the ancient's newly acquired strength. 'Do not look, Jim,' the Professor said dramatically, 'you would not care for what you saw. — Robert Rankin

I know that if I have been working on one paragraph and I have written it three times, it goes in the bin. Unless it comes straight out, it is wrong, it is awkward, it does not fit. — Robert Rankin

It was a sight to make Zane Grey reach for his ballpoint, or Sergio Leone send out for another fifty foot of standard eight. — Robert Rankin

Oh dear,' said Eddie. 'We'd better hurry. Tinto, call me a cab.'
All right,' said Tinto. 'You're a cab. — Robert Rankin

Omally, as ever, slept the sleep of the just, which was quite unjust of him, considering he had no right to do it. — Robert Rankin

Because I'm a special gatekeeper. I'm the head gatekeeper. Because, although, as you can see, I'm only a head, I'm also the gatekeeper. Which makes me the head gatekeeper. Which makes me very special, don't you agree? — Robert Rankin

Will you gentlemen take breakfast with me?' asked the Professor. There is little need to record the answer to that particular question. — Robert Rankin

Everyone misbehaves,' said Eddie. 'That's nature. Everyone gets away with as much as they can get away with. And the more they can get away with, the more they will. — Robert Rankin

The hill road wound upwards, as hill roads do, unless you're coming down them, of course. — Robert Rankin

Science,' said Mr Anders Anders. 'Science, not magic. I told you before: when things are not as they appear to be, it's because they're actually simpler than you think them to be. Things are never as difficult and complicated as folk believe. You'd be surprised just how straightforward and obvious things really are. The secret is in knowing how to look at them the right way. — Robert Rankin

As real as,' said Eddie.
'As real as what?' said Jack.
'Wish I knew,' said Eddie. 'But I can't do corroborative nouns. None of us are perfect, are we? I can get started. As big as, as obscene as, as foul as. But I can't get any further. But that's life for you again. As unfair as ... — Robert Rankin

Pooley the realist pooh-poohed such notions, but Pooley the mystic, dreamer and romantic sensed the aura of pagan mystery which surrounded the crop-headed man. — Robert Rankin

Too afraid of plagiarising someone, so I stopped reading fiction in 1981. — Robert Rankin

Jack, get a grip of yourself.'
I have a grip of myself.' Jack took a grip of himself. It was a most intimate grip; not the kind of grip that you usually take of yourself in public. — Robert Rankin

Jack nodded. 'No,' he said.
Was that a trick answer? — Robert Rankin

To say that it was wondrous would be to say that the universe is quite a big place. — Robert Rankin

All right,' said Pooley, 'as panic is clearly ill-received hereabouts, what do we do? — Robert Rankin

And yes. They did become very drunk, the three of them.
And you're not supposed to be drunk when you get involved in matters such as this: Big Matters, Matters of an Apocalyptic Nature. You're supposed to be coldly sober. And you just can't be coldly sober when you're drunk. — Robert Rankin

Someone in the crowd, for there is always one, said, 'That's right, a mate of mine had it. — Robert Rankin