Red Skelton Quotes & Sayings

No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds. — Red Skelton

Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. — Red Skelton

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off — Red Skelton

I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin — Red Skelton

I left home because I was hungry. — Red Skelton

You know how to tell when you're getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist. — Red Skelton

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen. — Red Skelton

His death was the first time that Ed Wynn ever made anyone sad. — Red Skelton

Today's comics use four-letter words as a shortcut to thinking. They're shooting for that big laugh and it becomes a panic thing, using four-letter words to shock people. — Red Skelton

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime. — Red Skelton

God's children and their happiness are my reasons for being. — Red Skelton

Mom used to say I didn't run away from home my destiny just caught up with me at an early age. — Red Skelton

Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics. — Red Skelton

I don't pick on politicians. They ain't done nothin'. — Red Skelton

When anyone hurts us, my wife and I sit in our Japanese sand garden and drink iced tea. There are five stone in the garden - for sky, wind, fire, water, and earth. We sit and think of five of the nicest things we can about the person who hurt us. If he hurts us a second time, we do the same thing. The third time, we light a candle, and he is, for us, dead. — Red Skelton

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always — Red Skelton

I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity. — Red Skelton

I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up. — Red Skelton

Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations. — Red Skelton

I only come to life when there are people watching. — Red Skelton

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. — Red Skelton

People think I am dead because they haven't seen me around for awhile. I'm not dead, I'm very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don't smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up. — Red Skelton

Our principles are the springs of our actions. Our actions, the springs of our happiness or misery. Too much care, therefore, cannot be taken in forming our principles. — Red Skelton

I personally believe that each of us was put here for a purpose
to build not to destroy. If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God. — Red Skelton

Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language-One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap — Red Skelton

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas — Red Skelton

Wouldn't it be a pity if someone said that is a prayer and that would be eliminated from schools, too? — Red Skelton

If by chance some day you're not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled. — Red Skelton

A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. ' — Red Skelton

I personally believe we were put here to build and not to destroy. — Red Skelton

I have a sixth sense, but not the other five. If I wasn't making money, they'd put me away. — Red Skelton

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. — Red Skelton

I consider the television set as the American fireplace, around which the whole family will gather. — Red Skelton

Imitation isn't the sincerest form of flattery - it's plagiarism. — Red Skelton

I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard. — Red Skelton

Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room. — Red Skelton

You know, last night it was so cold that my pillow and my sheets fought to see who got under the blankets first. — Red Skelton

I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise. — Red Skelton

I know my limit. I just keep passing out before I reach it. — Red Skelton

There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two. — Red Skelton

I've put on a lot of weight ... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born. — Red Skelton

Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. — Red Skelton

I'd have avoided some of the pain if I could. Anyone would. But I wouldn't have missed knowing any of the people-even the ones whose leaving hurt most. In fact, the only thing I'm sorry about is that I didn't meet one particular guy, a clown named Joe Skelton. You know, he sure picked the right profession. I mean, a clown's got it all. He never has to hold back: He can do as he pleases. The mouth and the eyes are painted on. So if you wanta cry, you can go right ahead. The make up won't smear. You'll still be smiling ... — Red Skelton

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce — Red Skelton

My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled. — Red Skelton

I don't hate my enemies. After all, I made 'em. — Red Skelton

Congress: Bingo with billions. — Red Skelton

It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and they'll come out for it. — Red Skelton