Norm MacDonald Quotes & Sayings

Laws, however divine in origin and institution, would be found of little coercion among men, were the administration of them not committed to mortals. — Norm MacDonald

I think clever people think that poor people are stupid. — Norm MacDonald

In giving advice, aptitude is often less to be considered, than seasonableness. — Norm MacDonald

A readiness to excuse some faults, shows a disposition to commit others. — Norm MacDonald

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money. — Norm MacDonald

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle. — Norm MacDonald

You're trying your best to make people laugh; then if you fail, they hate you. But your intent's the same. It's not like you're trying to do evil to them. — Norm MacDonald

You can't love your team without hating another team. — Norm MacDonald

All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise. — Norm MacDonald

It's tough to know who's better in cliff diving. Like, you see a guy diving off a cliff and you go, Oh, man, a guy diving off a cliff! And then another guy'd dive- Oh, there's another guy diving off a cliff there. But you can't tell who's better, y'know? Like, uh- if you survive at all, hey, you're a great- you're a great cliff diver there. There's only two classifications in cliffdiving. There's, uh- 'Grand Champion' and then, uh- 'Stuff On a Rock.' Very hard to make a comeback in that sport, I'll tell you that. — Norm MacDonald

We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation. — Norm MacDonald

Education makes some men wiser, others more ridiculous and foolish! — Norm MacDonald

There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood. — Norm MacDonald

If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy. — Norm MacDonald

Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love. — Norm MacDonald

Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I've seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he's lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV. — Norm MacDonald

We are happy at the respect others pay our favorites, because we consider it a lively confirmation of our own choice, and as so much homage reflected on ourselves. — Norm MacDonald

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical. — Norm MacDonald

Some men mistake generosity for charity: these flatter themselves that they are giving gratuitously, whilst they are merely rewarding secret services offered their vanity. — Norm MacDonald

The character of giving advice often makes us accountable for the conduct of those we advise. — Norm MacDonald

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny. — Norm MacDonald

In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That's what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn't have a stupid opinion about it. — Norm MacDonald

They're like 'You're an alcoholic.' I go 'No, I'm not.' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know? — Norm MacDonald

I didn't really want to inject myself into anything political. A lot of people were asking me at the time about Jay and Conan, and I hate doing anything serious. — Norm MacDonald

With the computer and stuff, the difference between a rich guy and a poor guy, to me, is nothing. Because I don't like big houses, I don't drive a car, so you know, I just live in a small apartment and I have my computer, which is really cool. — Norm MacDonald

Ignorance is better than knowledge misapplied. — Norm MacDonald

Few criminals die sensible of their crimes. — Norm MacDonald

I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh ... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and fresh! You wouldn't know me now if you'd seen me when I was one, you know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, what are you, zero? And I'd go, no, I'm one over here! — Norm MacDonald

It is the folly of weak-minded people, to imagine they are what flattery or conceit represents them; and that it is useless for them to be what they are not, since they seem already to have acquired the reputation of it. — Norm MacDonald

Liberty, like health, appears most precious when lost. — Norm MacDonald

After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay. — Norm MacDonald

There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion. — Norm MacDonald

We advise others better than ourselves. — Norm MacDonald

Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain. — Norm MacDonald

Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit. — Norm MacDonald

It is better to be idle than employed in ill. — Norm MacDonald

Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence. — Norm MacDonald

I never do impressions, but I probably should. People like that stuff. — Norm MacDonald

We would seldom be deceived by flattery, did our own conceit not promote the delusion. — Norm MacDonald

As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart. — Norm MacDonald

I miss seeing real comics, Shecky Greene and Buddy Hackett, those types. I like straight stand-up, talking about the Olympics and why I feel obligated to watch them. 'Why am I watching archery at 4 in the afternoon?' — Norm MacDonald

Happiness is less regulated by external circumstances than inward enjoyment. Whoever is happy in the satisfaction of himself feels imperturbable felicity; but he, who trusts entirely to the world for the disposition of his peace, must inevitably participate [in] many privations and disappointments. — Norm MacDonald

My dad had this thing - everyone in Canada wants to play hockey; that's all they want to do. So when I was a kid, whenever we skated my dad would not let us on the ice without hockey sticks, because of this insane fear we would become figure skaters! — Norm MacDonald

The soul is never perfectly secure from the influence of passion; the occasional tranquility she seems to enjoy, is rather relaxation than imperturbable triumph. — Norm MacDonald

Death is a funny thing. Not funny haha, like a Woody Allen movie, but funny strange, like a Woody Allen marriage. — Norm MacDonald

There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people. — Norm MacDonald

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous. — Norm MacDonald

Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them. — Norm MacDonald

Women of no beauty may yet be flattered to believe they possess some; others of a moderate share that they have a great deal; but those of elegance and charm generally know the perfection of their external graces so well, that they seem to covet that flattery most which heightens the opinion of their wit and judgment. — Norm MacDonald

The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly. — Norm MacDonald

When I was young, I'd watch guys on 'The Tonight Show', Buddy Hackett, guys like that, where all they'd be is funny. Later, I remember, on 'Late Night with Letterman', I remember he'd have Jay Leno and Richard Lewis as first guests and the entire point was to entertain and be funny, and I think talk shows have kind of lost that. — Norm MacDonald

Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices. — Norm MacDonald

So much in L.A. is waiting. It's so irritating. That's what's good about stand-up. You can go away, and you don't have to sit and wait by your phone. But it is very frustrating. — Norm MacDonald

I'd say Jon Stewart has remained funny the entire time. Jon always makes it funny first. And he's just, he's talking about serious things, but in a funny way. Other comedians will talk about serious things in a serious way, and then you don't know what's going on. — Norm MacDonald

Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form. — Norm MacDonald

All kinds of violence on the TV. You're not supposed to watch violence on the TV. Children, they can't watch it 'cause they're afraid maybe the kids will copy something they see on the TV. I can't even get a funny cartoon anymore because some 12-year-old somewhere watched a particularly violent episode of the Road Runner-Coyote show, and the next day, they found him at the bottom of a canyon, two giant springs strapped to his feet. — Norm MacDonald

I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win. — Norm MacDonald

I don't really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world. — Norm MacDonald

It's a very odd thing with Hollywood, where you do stand-up, you're good at it, then they go, 'How would you like to be a horrible actor?' Then you say, 'All right, that sounds good. I'll do that.' — Norm MacDonald

A capacity for hating the object of desire is, perhaps, the best cure for love in cases of disappointment. — Norm MacDonald

The vanity of being asked advice often makes us confirm the opinion of those that consult us. — Norm MacDonald

RIP Amy Winehouse. We lost a true heroin addict today. — Norm MacDonald

Jealousy seldom punishes with the severity it suffers. — Norm MacDonald

Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up. — Norm MacDonald

Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone. — Norm MacDonald

It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated. — Norm MacDonald

In terms of merit, sports has mathematical statistics. That's how you know who the best player is. — Norm MacDonald

It is often better to be restricted to necessity than unconfined in the measure of our desires: prosperity destroys more individuals than adversity ruins. — Norm MacDonald

Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket ... what's the guy even thinking there. Here you go ... nothing! Merry Christmas! It's nothing! — Norm MacDonald

I've been offered political shows before, and I don't know anything about politics and I feel uncomfortable making political opinions - there's consequences to them. I often think I'm wrong, so I really don't like getting in political or religious discussions because of the giant possibility that I might be wrong. — Norm MacDonald

I've just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn't know them, I wouldn't know they were funny from the television. I don't know what it does, it just sucks it away. — Norm MacDonald

Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile. — Norm MacDonald

Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong. — Norm MacDonald

A lot of people think I'm difficult to work with. It's not like I really want to do that much stuff, so it doesn't really matter. I guess I'm somewhat difficult when it comes to comedy. — Norm MacDonald

Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction. — Norm MacDonald

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer. — Norm MacDonald

If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious. — Norm MacDonald

I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at. — Norm MacDonald

I just hate plugs. It just doesn't seem entertaining to me. I've never plugged anything in my life on a talk show ever. I understand people use that vehicle. It's just not very entertaining. — Norm MacDonald

I sort of try to write everything for me. I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio. I'm trying to make sure the jokes are self-contained so they're accessible to everyone. — Norm MacDonald

I started on 'Saturday Night Live' the same time Conan started on Late Night. We just had a relationship because I would be upstairs in the studio and whenever he couldn't get a guest - which was often back then since he was just starting out - he would just call me down to be a guest. — Norm MacDonald

A man's enemies are those he should endeavor first to make his friends. — Norm MacDonald

In theatres, you're kind of disconnected. Also, it's way too big for the likes of me. Unless you're Robin Williams or someone that can fill a stage with movement and energy, it just looks like a small man on a big stage. — Norm MacDonald

There are these showcase clubs where 14 guys will go on in a row and people are laughing at everything, and I'm like - 'I can't laugh that much. That's so weird to me.' — Norm MacDonald

I don't really like doing big stand-up. Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up. I've seen people in theaters, and it just doesn't work, because you're talking to the guy next to you the whole time. — Norm MacDonald

The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men. — Norm MacDonald

I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it's just a bunch of gay guys. — Norm MacDonald

I don't do much. I'm too lazy. That's my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow - a big truck could hit me - paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn't effect my lifestyle a bit really. — Norm MacDonald

A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense of disengenuous merit. — Norm MacDonald

If you cannot patiently bear correction, endeavor to avoid fault. — Norm MacDonald

They that are fated to be fools, have one consolation, that they are fated also to be ignorant of it. — Norm MacDonald

You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin' life again? Man, that's rough, eh? — Norm MacDonald

Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones. — Norm MacDonald

We are often less grieved at disappointments than at ourselves for having said much concerning the certainty of our expectations. — Norm MacDonald

I never had any interest in sitcoms or motion pictures or anything like that. — Norm MacDonald

Our passions may be compared to certain slaves
the more severity we show them, the better they obey us. — Norm MacDonald

This would have been a great game to watch if we didn't have any money on it. — Norm MacDonald

The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading. — Norm MacDonald

I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them. — Norm MacDonald

Compared to politics, I think sports is funnier, because it's inconsequential. And politics can be real important and all that. The more pointless something is, the funnier it is, you know? And the more grave or important things are ... You know, some comedians can get this disease where they get serious all the time. — Norm MacDonald