Maria Bamford Quotes & Sayings

I'm sort of shy, and Twitter feels like chatting all day with a group. I like to follow people. I'm following Joel Osteen, Steve Martin, and an anonymous purple egg - just to see where they go with it. — Maria Bamford

If you stay alive for no reason at all, please do it for spite. — Maria Bamford

As far as I can tell, comedians are pretty serious people, and that's why they make fun of things all of the time. — Maria Bamford

I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don't wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too. — Maria Bamford

In L.A., a lot of comics live here, but we don't get to spend that much time together because we've got to drive 45 minutes home, or do another set. So in San Francisco we can hang out, go for dinner - the community aspect of it is really lovely, as well as seeing people's shows that you don't normally get to see a longer version of. — Maria Bamford

When I'm up on stage and do a joke, half the people interpret it one way and half of them interpret it the way I want them to. — Maria Bamford

My dad actually had business cards made up with my sister's website and my website and all of our information. And he hands them out to people he meets. — Maria Bamford

I have a hard time with interviews, because I'd rather hear about the interviewer. — Maria Bamford

If you stay alive for no other reason do it for spite — Maria Bamford

We're all doing the best we can and sometimes it is not that good. — Maria Bamford

I like all kinds of comedy. I like comedy that doesn't talk about real beliefs or serious thoughts, but then I also like the stuff that does. I think it just depends. It's a completely personal choice. — Maria Bamford

I feel bad about that, that I worship celebrities ... but their moods create weather. — Maria Bamford

I think taking vacations and turning off the phone and only doing emails or social media for a specific short amount of time helps with work/life balance. If I'm checking it all day I start to feel cuckoo-bird. So I just do it once or twice a day instead of a thousand. And then remembering that it doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. — Maria Bamford

I find it creatively satisfying to write material and say it out loud in a public place, whether or not anyone's listening. — Maria Bamford

I think I, like a lot of people, have that type of brain where I find it interesting or fulfilling to worry about something. — Maria Bamford

I get sort of short with people and start grumbling and clearing my throat - in honor of my father - when I'm impatient. It's very charming. — Maria Bamford

I have received more fulfillment and adulation than I would ever know what to do with in terms of show business. — Maria Bamford

Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I'm so hungry. — Maria Bamford

I express things through characters because I have a fear that my own voice is irritating because that's been said to me. — Maria Bamford

I do some compassionate mindfulness every day. It's like a Buddhist thing. I tell myself that I'm doing a good job, that kind of thing. It makes me feel better. — Maria Bamford

I have a comic character - my sister said that I'm the victim of every joke I tell. — Maria Bamford

I'd like to create a lovable character for schizophrenia; it doesn't have a celebrity spokesperson because by the time somebody's schizophrenic they've lost all their teeth. — Maria Bamford

My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would REALLY cut into my sitting-around time — Maria Bamford

When you're a comedian, you're just by yourself. — Maria Bamford

Sometimes I worry I don't want to get married as much as I'd like to be dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. — Maria Bamford

I'm not an extroverted person, nor am I hyper-confident in my point of view. I just don't have that personality. — Maria Bamford

Schizophrenia is hearing voices, not doing voices. — Maria Bamford

People get really irritated by mental illness. — Maria Bamford

My dad has some depressive issues, and he's really tough on himself. So sometimes he can say things that are not super supportive. Like once I did a set, and he says, 'Sheesh, no wonder you're still single.' I was like, 'Eight ball, corner pocket, dad.' — Maria Bamford

I've learned from my pets that it's okay to sit around, and people don't love you any less if you sit around all the time. In fact they might love you more, 'cos they always know where you're always going to be: you're always going to be laying in bed. — Maria Bamford

I can't stand makeup commercials. 'Do you need a lipstick that keeps your lips kissable?' No, I need a lipstick that gets me equal pay for equal work. How about an eye shadow that makes me stop thinking I'm too fat? — Maria Bamford

It's always the compliments from people you love that mean so much. — Maria Bamford

In my stand up, I think I try to be less energetic because I feel embarrassed about how much enthusiasm I have. There's something about acting like I don't care, or if I act like I haven't spent enough time on it, it seems to go better. If I act like I'm really trying to sell it, it doesn't go as well. — Maria Bamford

My mom is very structured. She gets up, she does her prayers, and she eats her oatmeal with blueberries and Greek yogurt, and she has her prayer list, and she doesn't worry too much about things. — Maria Bamford

Here's the Middle East. Here's the mosque, here's the church, open the temple, everybody's MAD! — Maria Bamford

I never really thought of myself as depressed so much as paralyzed by hope. — Maria Bamford

I love support groups, people talking about their feelings. — Maria Bamford

The thing that keeps the thoughts coming back is the power that you put in the thought that you can't think of it. — Maria Bamford

My mom always does this thing where, the closer I get to home, the more she calls. 'Hey, listen, how's your plane? Did you land? Are you landing? Sweetie. Listen. We want to ... ' The anxiety amps up exponentially as I get closer, and then I can't get out fast enough. — Maria Bamford

I am a wild orchid of comedy, so I can only do well under specific conditions ... There are people who I think can do any room, and do stadiums and thousand-seat theaters, and then there are people like me who just perform for my parents. — Maria Bamford

I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of s**t that I don't need, that I refuse to share with others. — Maria Bamford

I think you can lose yourself in any creative activity - if you enjoy your job or enjoy a task, you can lose yourself in that. — Maria Bamford

My mom is very religious and she said, 'Whatever you think about all the time, that's what you worship.' If that's the case I'd like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People Magazines. In this holy scripture, we read the parable of Ms. Valerie Bertinelli. — Maria Bamford

I'm not looking for much, I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job ... and the missing half of this golden amulet. — Maria Bamford

I love festivals because they seem like more of an artsy, supportive attitude - which benefits a more theatrical performer sometimes with having theater and other non-club venues, as well as the audience being filled with other artists. It's nice to be with other comics, as usually at other road gigs, I'm solo for the most part. — Maria Bamford

I was raised in Duluth, Minnesota, where you never say that you're cold, or that you're suffering, and you listen politely to people, even if you disagree with them completely. Then you say passive-aggressive things later. — Maria Bamford

The bigger the crowds get, the more nervous I get. I actually am very comfortable with a half-filled room of people who are slightly disinterested and are irritated at a Barnes & Noble. — Maria Bamford

I have trouble watching singers because they are so sincere. — Maria Bamford

I've been stopped a few times by people who want to say, 'Hi.' But I'm an introverted person, and the idea that I'd have to talk to people all the time seems a little overwhelming. — Maria Bamford

Even if you're disgusting, and everyone is creeped out by you and thinks you're gross, you know, keep doing what you love! — Maria Bamford

Get out of your house and go see some live performance, for God's sake. There are people creating things just outside your window. — Maria Bamford

I thought that when you have more success that you'd feel more buoyed or feel more confident. But in fact my brain has the gift of switching it around and saying, 'Now people are expecting something. Now you're really going to let people down.' — Maria Bamford

I just love that part of comedy, where you see somebody's jokes develop. They try something new to see what works, and I just love that part. — Maria Bamford

If you're ever if you're ever thinking, "Oh, but I'm a waste of space and I'm a burden," remember: that also describes the Grand Canyon. Why don't you have friends and family take pictures of you from a safe distance? Revel in your majestic profile? — Maria Bamford

The Internet makes everything much less mysterious. — Maria Bamford

I think the Internet has made it easier for people to connect with things that they really like, as well as provide a more personal experience, of 'I found this!' and then you can pass it to friends. — Maria Bamford

I love that vision-board thing where you cut out pictures that resonate with you so they'll manifest. I've done that since I was three; I cut out pictures of ladies from the JCPenney catalog. — Maria Bamford

Time flies when you are anxious! — Maria Bamford

I sleep hard; I dream harder! — Maria Bamford

Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty. — Maria Bamford

My mom doesn't post on Facebook, but she'll tell anyone within about the first five minutes of meeting them about my sister and I, in whatever way she can. — Maria Bamford

Some of my friends and family have tried to challenge me to do jokes that aren't as self-deprecating, where I genuinely express my own opinion in my own voice. — Maria Bamford