Mallory Ortberg Quotes & Sayings

I read my first P.G. Wodehouse when I was 12. — Mallory Ortberg

There are few things more disconcerting than realizing the first date you thought went so well was in fact a dud. — Mallory Ortberg

It's an unfortunate reality of life that toxins are constantly building up in our bodies. — Mallory Ortberg

you're damn right it'd be something caves of ice and ancestral war voices prophesying about damsels and sacred rivers screaming beware and your hair would float and ugh hang on two seconds there's a guy here — Mallory Ortberg

It certainly was unusual growing up with two fairly well-known pastors as my parents. — Mallory Ortberg

Depression cannot be overcome by listing a series of good things in one's life, any more than a broken foot can be healed by thinking about all the other bones you have that aren't broken. — Mallory Ortberg

Addicts sometimes have a penchant for becoming the center of attention at other people's celebrations. — Mallory Ortberg

Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are. — Mallory Ortberg

Everyone wants to be liked; everyone wants approval. No one likes being ignored. — Mallory Ortberg

I hate to get gender essentialist, but I'm starting to think that a lot of married men have some sort of heterosexually induced dentistry aversion. — Mallory Ortberg

Anyone who wants to pretend that your Huntington's disease is an invention is someone who does not have your best interests at heart. — Mallory Ortberg

whoa
I wasn't LOOKING at a bird
wow where is this even coming from
the BIRD
wouldn't stop LOOKING
at ME — Mallory Ortberg

The hardest part about being ghosted is the fact that you can't deal with the ghoster directly. You just never hear from them again, and everything feels odd and incomplete. — Mallory Ortberg

I love the art history ones because it's so little work for me. There's so many paintings that when I look at them, the look on the lady's face is like so clear and her body language and her posture or their physical situation is so immediately recognizable. Anyone who's been in a conversation they didn't want to have, or been getting harangued by a little kid they didn't want to pay attention to or been tired and wanted to go to bed is just like, "Yes, of course." — Mallory Ortberg

I spent the first 22 years of my life absorbing everything, like a big disgusting cell, and now I'm disgorging it with jokes added out into the world. That's a really gross metaphor. — Mallory Ortberg

Reciprocating oral sex is, in general, a very good idea! — Mallory Ortberg

I do not have any of even the littlest hard feelings all of my feelings about you are just so soft and so normal just normal soft feelings that you're going to love — Mallory Ortberg

If just one person touches you without your permission, stepping back and saying clearly, "Please don't touch me" should get them to stop. — Mallory Ortberg

(Remember you always have the option of taking to the sea.) — Mallory Ortberg

Bad dental hygiene can lead to respiratory infections and an increased risk for heart disease and strokes. — Mallory Ortberg

A lot of my creative energy is spent coming up with a concept that, once I get it, I feel like it writes itself. — Mallory Ortberg

After I do my first writing of the day, I will generally look at Twitter and Google News - and that's my big media secret. I look at Twitter and I look at Google because they pull all the headlines from other websites. — Mallory Ortberg

Letting events end is not rude. Everything ends. — Mallory Ortberg

Tenancy laws can be so complicated; I want to make sure OP is protected as much as possible. — Mallory Ortberg

You're right to want to minimize your compulsive physical behavior in the workplace before it bothers your co-workers, but I hope very much you can also give yourself credit for the work you're already doing. — Mallory Ortberg

I agree that biphobia is real, but I think it's absolutely worth considering that someone who "despises" having sex with her husband - and men in general - may not be interested in men sexually. — Mallory Ortberg

You need to be able to express your resentment and sense of loss in a way that doesn't damage your partner. — Mallory Ortberg

My parents are both pastors. In the '80s and '90s in the mainstream Christian world, it was not really common for a woman - especially a married woman and a mother - to be a pastor. — Mallory Ortberg

Arm yourself with as many options as possible before making your next move. — Mallory Ortberg

Anyone who thinks it's funny to name their network "Tom'sHugeEtc" is going to think it's funny that one of his neighbors is also named Tom and is embarrassed by it. — Mallory Ortberg

There's simply no way you can tell a woman you work with that you disapprove of her relationship with her adult child, no matter how much you think it would be better for him to move out. — Mallory Ortberg

The Toast's audience is about 30-35 percent male, which shocked me because I would say that we actively try to discourage men from reading our site. Apparently, there's not insignificant number of dudes out there who think that what we are doing is okay. — Mallory Ortberg

I'm really not a journalist, and I don't do a ton of newsy pieces. Occasionally I'll write about something that's going on recently, but I really don't do a ton of stuff that's tied to current events. — Mallory Ortberg

If you get a dog, take care of your dog! You can just not have a dog if you don't feel like taking care of one, it's very easy to not have a dog. — Mallory Ortberg

I don't know of any way to control the subject of one's dreams although I'm fairly certain there are more than a few types of psychoanalysis dedicated to the topic. — Mallory Ortberg

hang all mysteries the only mystery I want to solve is how much cocaine I can fit in my face the mystery of how much face cocaine I can have that's the mystery for me — Mallory Ortberg

Your partner cannot fault you for refusing to host a perpetual-motion party or for the fact that you must sleep and will eventually die. — Mallory Ortberg

To stop challenging someone from using anti-gay language simply because they persist in using anti-gay language strikes me as a defeatist approach. — Mallory Ortberg

I think female solitude is a mental condition as well as a physical state. You can be married and a spinster. I think spinster is an identity every woman can claim, if she will ... I feel like a lot of women, or a lot of feminists, joke about taking to the sea or living alone in a cottage as this kind of fun freedom. — Mallory Ortberg

My history teacher could make us feel like he was imparting rare gossip to us when he was talking about Maria Theresa and the Habsburgs. I just loved that sense of - the Western canon is here, and it's gossipy and tawdry, and everyone is sort of goofy. — Mallory Ortberg

I'm on Twitter a lot of the day because I really like Twitter. It's great for jokes. But when I'm writing, I can't do anything else. I can't even listen to music. I just have to write, and then I can do something else. I can't multitask. — Mallory Ortberg

Diapers do not belong on the same table as food. — Mallory Ortberg

It is so tempting to return rudeness with rudeness! — Mallory Ortberg

Usually my writing is very over the top and bombastic and very, like, 'I'm amazing! Look at me!' — Mallory Ortberg

I graduated with an English degree and worked for awhile in academic publishing. — Mallory Ortberg

You don't need to hide the fact that you're in recovery, but you don't have to share your history of addiction with acquaintances at work, either. — Mallory Ortberg

The most successful Subway customers, of course, are the ones who can't keep their hands off their sandwich. Join your artist in the sandwich assembling process. That sneeze guard is a suggestion. That sneeze guard is trying to intimidate you into staying on the customer's side of the partition. — Mallory Ortberg

LGBT youth face a much higher risk of violence and homelessness after being rejected by their family of origin. — Mallory Ortberg

Don't let a friend make you feel publicly uncomfortable indefinitely just because they're probably a lesbian. — Mallory Ortberg

Acting politely in front of someone black and/or gay and then making horrible claims about their intelligence or worth as human beings after they leave the room is not kindness - it's hypocrisy. — Mallory Ortberg

As long as you don't think he's just pretending not to mind for your sake, it sounds like he has truly accepted that blow jobs are too difficult and painful for you to perform, and he's still very satisfied with your sex life. Take him at his word. — Mallory Ortberg

haha must have been a weird typo it's illegal to hunt men but exhilarating — Mallory Ortberg

I have fun going on Twitter and the Internet. I feel safe and comfortable, and I wish everyone could feel that way. — Mallory Ortberg

Some people give gifts in order to bewilder, confuse, and manipulate their recipients. — Mallory Ortberg

No one is right when it comes to destination weddings. It's a big ask, requesting people take time off work and fly off to take a cruise just to see you get married. — Mallory Ortberg

"Not being virulently and overtly racist against black people" and "treating gay people like human beings" are necessary conditions of greatness. — Mallory Ortberg

Ghost! I miss him! Is that weird? I miss him even though I invented him. I feel a lot of tenderness toward him. I don't write a lot of stuff that is sad or that is tender and affectionate, so that has a very special place in my heart. — Mallory Ortberg

You can't prevent a possible future closeness between your upcoming child and one or more of their grandparents. — Mallory Ortberg

Did you know that, pound for pound, the moose is the leanest ruminant on Earth? It's true. Moose are very in tune with their natural surroundings. — Mallory Ortberg

You have a wonderful opportunity here to not care about something that doesn't matter to you. Please don't miss out on it. — Mallory Ortberg

You who have suffered so much do not want to be with the kind of person who makes "black widow" jokes to deal with an uncomfortable, painful moment. You should be with a person capable of great compassion and understanding. — Mallory Ortberg

You are allowed to draw lines even if your feelings are irrational. Part of the marvelous business of being an adult human is that you get to set your own boundaries for whatever reasons you like, without appending a sensible rationale to them. — Mallory Ortberg

As you feel increasingly comfortable around your friends, I think it's more than fine to share the basic details of your heroin addiction with them. If they seem receptive, you can feel free to talk about it in further detail; if they seem judgmental or uncomfortable, you can move on to other topics. — Mallory Ortberg

I'm forgetful by nature and often ask family, friends, and co-workers the same question. — Mallory Ortberg

If this is something you'd truly like to work on, not out of a sense of guilt but because you would enjoy occasionally reciprocating, there are a wealth of resources out there for the enthusiastic amateur (you are far from the only would-be blow-jobber whose spirit is willing but gag reflex is weak). You have more options than "no blow jobs, ever" and "regular whole-hog sessions to completion that result in vomiting." — Mallory Ortberg

It's one thing to be a high achiever; it's quite another to privately sneer at your girlfriend's friends after feigning friendliness because they have the "misfortune" to drive a bus for a living. — Mallory Ortberg

Enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend and don't worry about the people or situations you dream about. Once you wake up, they're over; let them go. — Mallory Ortberg

Anything where I get to write a lot of jokes and have a lot of creative control - that's all I want. — Mallory Ortberg

When I think of Emily Dickinson, there's not one particular poem of hers that jumps out, but I do have a very vivid image of an ill woman with giant eyes who wants to write about the sun exploding. — Mallory Ortberg

what is a dream but a series of lies designed to keep us immobilized in a dark room for hours at a time — Mallory Ortberg

I grew up in a home where reading was a big deal. — Mallory Ortberg

A child is not a bargaining chip or a learning tool. Your focus, if you adopt a child of a different race, should be on nurturing and protecting your child from bigotry, not deploying him or her as an anti-racist Mr. Fix-It. — Mallory Ortberg

If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, "Hey, I had a nice time, but I don't think things are going to work out between us." Only you can help fight ghosting. — Mallory Ortberg

Humor is always more interesting when it comes from someone who's had more than, like, five experiences. — Mallory Ortberg

There has to be some kind of personal hygiene bar that a person needs to clear in order for a relationship to be successful. — Mallory Ortberg

We went to church twice a week. My parents were employed in ministry; we prayed before dinner. We rollerbladed in the summer. We were allowed to watch the 'Simpsons.' I fought with my younger brother over Legos. — Mallory Ortberg

When I was twenty years old, I had gum grafts put in. — Mallory Ortberg

The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in hives. — Mallory Ortberg

I have a lot of faith in the power of joking to make something thoughtful. — Mallory Ortberg

In my final year of attending a Christian sports camp in rural Missouri, the year before I started high school, they began to offer an elective Bible study group for young Christians who wanted a chance to read in the afternoons instead of learn to water-ski. — Mallory Ortberg

I'm of the belief that dating "potential" is almost always an exercise in frustration. — Mallory Ortberg

Periodontal bacteria can easily slip into the bloodstream and cause infection elsewhere in the body. — Mallory Ortberg

i'm going to kidnap your daughter someday and i won't let your nephew learn how to read because of how much i love you and scream at your grave and i'll rent your room out to some guy from London — Mallory Ortberg

In the hands of a passive-aggressive person who wants to abdicate responsibility for things, texting is a great tool. You can really go nuts. — Mallory Ortberg

frosting emergencies are just as real as other kinds of emergencies — Mallory Ortberg

-I taught you Hindi and everything
That's basically the same as getting engaged for missionaries

-And I really appreciate that
It will be terribly useful in my career as an English governess

-See?
That
There.
that is exactly the kind of tone I mean
One round of cholera in the tropics would sear that sarcasm right out of you

-guess I really missed out

-Guess so — Mallory Ortberg

I do not think it is selfish to want to donate a kidney "only" to family members. — Mallory Ortberg

There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child. — Mallory Ortberg

You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely death. — Mallory Ortberg

An adult woman should not be so possessive of her own birthday that she begrudges her friends the chance to get married on the same day. — Mallory Ortberg

There's no specific mission statement for the 'Toast.' — Mallory Ortberg

If you don't like potlucks, the solution to your problem is "don't go to potlucks," not "insist other people don't have them." — Mallory Ortberg

Five-foot-8 is a perfectly normal height for a woman - it's slightly but not at all unusually tall and certainly shouldn't be causing you any torment. — Mallory Ortberg

first of all she's not my girlfriend second of all denmark is a PRISON — Mallory Ortberg

I'm of the opinion that it is always a kind and appropriate decision to get in touch with someone who's lost a loved one to remind them that you're thinking of them and have fond memories of the deceased. — Mallory Ortberg

I love reading religious authors. Especially in the sort of circle I move in, people tend to be more secular, and I love reading books by just really smart people of religious faith. It's always a really cool perspective. — Mallory Ortberg

It can't hurt to have a backup. — Mallory Ortberg

Most of us, however committed we are to our ideals, will find ourselves every now and again reading an attention-grabbing headline from the Daily Mail or some other lowest-common denominator. That's not the same thing as frequenting a site like the white supremacist Stormfront. — Mallory Ortberg

If your wife briefly corrects someone with "Actually, I'm bisexual" during conversation, it hardly sounds like attempting to remain an object of desire to me. If she went around saying, "Actually, I'm still very interested in men, particularly you, you massive dose of sexual charisma," you might have a case. — Mallory Ortberg

You have a right to be treated professionally at work, and it's your supervisor's job to make sure all their employees can perform their duties comfortably and safely. — Mallory Ortberg