Karl Pilkington Quotes & Sayings
Enjoy the top 100 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Karl Pilkington.
Famous Quotes By Karl Pilkington
I just sort of go along and say what I think -and that's all you can do in life, really. — Karl Pilkington
I don't like jellyfish, they're not a fish, they're just a blob.
They don't have eyes, fins or scales like a cod.
They float about blind, stinging people in the seas,
And no one eats jellyfish with chips and mushy peas.
Get rid of 'em! — Karl Pilkington
It's easier to have a go at something again when you failed at it as you've got nowt to lose. — Karl Pilkington
There is someone for everyone, i'nt there. That's always my thing. And it's reassuring I think. — Karl Pilkington
If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That's well documented. — Karl Pilkington
Had a wee in the Amazon. Until Richard told me I should be careful because there are some tiny fish that can swim up from the water through my urine and into my knob! Is that how amazing the Amazon is? The fish in there would really rather live in my knob than the river. — Karl Pilkington
To be honest, today's runners may as well go back to being nude as them Lycra pants they wear don't really hide much, do they? It's plain to see that if Usain Bolt went back to the old ways of running in the nude he would have an advantage getting over the finish line before anyone else. It — Karl Pilkington
The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I can't relate to it. I think most people got into 'cos it gave them something to do on a Sunday, but since all the shops are now open it isn't required as much. — Karl Pilkington
There's fish in here that I've read about that are so see-through that they're invisible. So I don't even think they know they exist. — Karl Pilkington
I am pessimistic, I think that's the best way to be, because if you're always expecting the best - the best doesn't always happen. Nine times out of 10 it doesn't. I'm surprised when things go smoothly. I don't know what's wrong with being pessimistic - unless you are such a pessimist that you don't do anything. — Karl Pilkington
That's the problem with them fables, they're putting animals together that wouldn't meet. I don't know where a scorpion is knockin' around with a frog. — Karl Pilkington
The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos ... but we never saw his wife. — Karl Pilkington
We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that. — Karl Pilkington
Before we left, Seija asked if I felt any cosmic powers. I wanted to say yes, but I hadn't, so I decided to be honest with her. She seemed disappointed by this news. — Karl Pilkington
Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. [ ... ] I'd seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him. — Karl Pilkington
I've heard that fact, that is you eat more than six bananas it will kill you. I saw a bowl with seven bananas in it and I thought, that's dangerous. — Karl Pilkington
All fame is is having people you don't know coming up to you and saying, 'Hello.' I'm always polite and people are always nice, but it's weird. — Karl Pilkington
They've found this spider, in the jungle. Three foot long, it eats chicken. Bit weird, innit. People moan saying that you shouldn't lock animals up and all the rest of it, but to be honest I wish it was locked up. The idea that it's roaming in a jungle ... get it locked up. — Karl Pilkington
People eat duck and you think, well, we've got loads of chickens, leave the ducks alone! — Karl Pilkington
I don't really go out at night in terms of noisy, busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somewhere. — Karl Pilkington
I'm not a proper traveler. I don't like to be challenged or have too much of a change and prefer a week away just to relax. — Karl Pilkington
If you don't sleep you get run down. Sloths never get a flu, cos its good innit thats when your body's replemishing — Karl Pilkington
Comedy's really subjective, you know; that's why it's so hard. — Karl Pilkington
Apparently you're not allowed to lick a toad's back. — Karl Pilkington
Getting old is better than being young. You can do what you want to do. — Karl Pilkington
I'm convinced the reason they don't make James Bond movies anymore is because the stunts he used to do no longer impress us as people do that stuff on a wet Thursday afternoon in an office team building session. Even sweaty Pete from IT manages to get his fat arse into a jumpsuit so he can do a tandem jump with his head of — Karl Pilkington
I've always wanted to kick a duck up the ass. — Karl Pilkington
I never buy a piece of art. I don't see the point in buying something because I know my eyes will get bored of it eventually. — Karl Pilkington
I'd say the best is when I was in Africa, I saw a hippo in a house. Someone had a pet hippo. And they're meant to be one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, and they had one that was sort of just wandering in and out of their house, just sort of roaming about. — Karl Pilkington
You know, when you're a producer, you're a bit of a lackey. You're just making cups of tea and making sure they've got newspaper, stuff like that. — Karl Pilkington
It's like there's some unwritten rule that if you're mates, you can say what you want to each other, and you don't really get that annoyed about it. — Karl Pilkington
I bought an Apple iPad and it was out of date sooner than a real apple would have been. We — Karl Pilkington
The reason I did the book about holidays is that you're a different person on holiday. You're sleeping somewhere unfamiliar, knocking about with people you've never met and for 10 days you're someone else. You're out of your comfortable zone. — Karl Pilkington
People say if bees die out, the world would end, apparently. Now, I don't know if that's true, if that's some bee enthusiast who managed to write a good document, and people believe this. — Karl Pilkington
In the sea you've got to be constantly sort of alert. It's worse in the sea [than anywhere else in the animal kingdom]. In the sea you've got an enemy behind every rock. — Karl Pilkington
The ball sack is supposed to be wrinkly; they're not bloody worry lines! I can't believe there's a machine that fixes this. I don't even own an iron. Balls don't need ironing! They're like a shellsuit, they're meant to be crease-looking. And anyway, I've sat on them most of the time, so they'd only get creased again. As for getting your arse bleached, I don't know what to make out that. I couldn't tell you what mine looks like. If you showed five photos of various anuses, I couldn't pick mine out from a line-up. I never understood why barbers used to show me the back of my head in a mirror after a quick trim, so I certainly wouldn't worry about the colour of my anus. I'd say if you're worrying about the colour of your anus, things must be good, as you can't have proper worries in your life. — Karl Pilkington
What I mean is, I don't know what I mean ... — Karl Pilkington
People say Dolphins are intelligent and that but they've never done anything that have blown me away. They say I'm a div and Dolphins are intelligent ... It just baffles me. — Karl Pilkington
Stay green, stay in the woods, and stay safe. — Karl Pilkington
By 78 you've done everything you're going to do. If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78 you're not going to do it. — Karl Pilkington
People who live in glass houses ... have to answer the door. — Karl Pilkington
They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science. — Karl Pilkington
As long as you're remembering baby Jesus, does it matter when you're remembering him. That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it December 25th. — Karl Pilkington
I don't know any Londoners 'cos I'm from Manchester. — Karl Pilkington
Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive. — Karl Pilkington
the bus was running late, but in truth this was no surprise. Delhi probably got its name from the word 'delay'. — Karl Pilkington
At some point, some insect has had sex with a leaf. — Karl Pilkington
I was impressed by the Taj Mahal. A good bit of work, well looked after, worth paying money to see. — Karl Pilkington
I know when I was a kid I ate a beetle. I ate a beetle because I thought it was licorice. — Karl Pilkington
With acting, I didn't get much from it. — Karl Pilkington
Fishing: I don't really like it. I don't really like the expression on the fish's face. — Karl Pilkington
Being honest with you, it's not the 'great' wall of China. It's an all right wall. It's the 'All Right Wall of China.' — Karl Pilkington
Knowledge is annoying — Karl Pilkington
I found that being with happy positive people annoys me. — Karl Pilkington
Could the world fall? — Karl Pilkington
If you go away with, you know, a girlfriend, wife, whatever, you have an argument on holiday because you're not used to spending that much time with people. — Karl Pilkington
One of my wisdom teeth is playing up. My dentist said it is known to happen with some people when they're stressed. My teeth seem to know I'm stressed before I do. Maybe that's why they're called wisdom teeth. — Karl Pilkington
Kids are like farts in that way. They never seem to bother the owner as much as they bother everyone else. — Karl Pilkington
I came up with a good idea ... see-through skin. — Karl Pilkington
You don't get anything done by planning — Karl Pilkington
We should all love animals. — Karl Pilkington
Every step starts with a step. — Karl Pilkington
The Tudors, I don't even know if I had a family back then. — Karl Pilkington
Everyone is living for everyone else now. They're doing stuff so they can tell other people about it. I don't get all that social media stuff, I've always got other things I want to do - odd jobs around the house. No one wants to hear about that. — Karl Pilkington
A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect. — Karl Pilkington
I've done some luxury flying, which is brilliant. It has only happened once or twice, but it was nice because flying is the worst part of the holiday. But then again, if the plane crashes, you're still dead. For that much money I'd want a little capsule that whizzed me off to safety if it was going to crash. — Karl Pilkington
My mam told me not to tell many people about not being christened, as she said I would be a prime target for witches. To this day I don't know what she meant by that. — Karl Pilkington
With evolution, things are always changing, so I sort of think: Should we all be growing three heads? — Karl Pilkington
I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'm not important, am I? I'm not doing anything that makes a difference. — Karl Pilkington
It's not a joke: I really do like being at home. — Karl Pilkington
I've always found cherubs a bit sinister. The idea of winged babies flying around with no nappies on seems like an accident waiting to happen. There would be shit everywhere. If I saw a cherub flying about in real life it would terrify me, whereas a Cyclops, which is another mythical being, wouldn't scare me at all, as it's just a bloke with one eye. He'd be registered disabled and get a decent parking space in today's world. — Karl Pilkington
I sometimes wear headphones even though I'm not listening to anything just so I'm left alone. It's the next best thing to wearing a 'Do Not Disturb' sign. — Karl Pilkington
I say have the night and give people the awards, but why do people want to watch people win awards? What are they getting out of it? I don't quite get it. Because they have awards all the time; there's awards for butchers, the best meat served, but they don't televise it. I don't know why they do it for films or TV programs. — Karl Pilkington
I've tried counting sheep like everyone recommends, but what tends to happen is that my brain thinks it's seen the same sheep twice and that messes up my count, and when I think there's no more sheep to count, another three will come running along and startle me. Or just as I think I've finished counting, an elephant comes running in. By this point I'm wide awake. — Karl Pilkington
How would I know which one I was? — Karl Pilkington
Classes teaching you how to breathe. I'm 32, I think I've got the hang of it. — Karl Pilkington
A dog has got human eyes. — Karl Pilkington
The problem is, these days you have to listen to too many parts of your body. Sometimes I go with my gut feeling, some say go with what your heart says - it's only a matter of time before my appendix will have an opinion. This is probably why there are so many helplines these days. No one knows who to bloody listen to! — Karl Pilkington
There was always something. It's like with this one, there's always something that's mad that I look back on it and go, that's pretty amazing to say that I've done that or been there. — Karl Pilkington
I thought the fart was a human thing. It's something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever. — Karl Pilkington
Well ... like, when you're born, you're a little baby, you're wrinkly and stuff, when you get older you sort of morph into a baby again ... — Karl Pilkington
I had a coconut on the way, which was another first for me. A drink and food all in one. It didn't look like the normal coconuts you win at fairgrounds. There was no hair on it. I don't know if that's how they grow here or if it's that Brazilians hate hair on anything and they've waxed them. — Karl Pilkington
The only reason you don't go on holiday, is 'cause you have to spend money. — Karl Pilkington
I'm a bit rubbish at knowing when something is good. But if it goes out and I can say, "I wasn't as bad as I thought I would be", then I'll be happy. Until then, I'll be thinking, "I shouldn't be here!" — Karl Pilkington
That's the problem with having a bald head. It exaggerates the shape. — Karl Pilkington
Your dreams should never be better than your real life — Karl Pilkington
I think it's a problem when something's a dream because it'll never live up to your expectations. It's better to go somewhere thinking it'll be horrible, and then be pleasantly surprised. — Karl Pilkington