Karl Pilkington Quotes & Sayings

I just sort of go along and say what I think -and that's all you can do in life, really. — Karl Pilkington

I saw a bee have a heart attack ... — Karl Pilkington

I've learnt that, even though I've travelled about, I haven't changed that much. — Karl Pilkington

I don't like jellyfish, they're not a fish, they're just a blob.
They don't have eyes, fins or scales like a cod.
They float about blind, stinging people in the seas,
And no one eats jellyfish with chips and mushy peas.
Get rid of 'em! — Karl Pilkington

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff. — Karl Pilkington

It's easier to have a go at something again when you failed at it as you've got nowt to lose. — Karl Pilkington

My brain's just full of passwords. — Karl Pilkington

There is someone for everyone, i'nt there. That's always my thing. And it's reassuring I think. — Karl Pilkington

I don't want to go about offending people; that's not my plan. — Karl Pilkington

If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That's well documented. — Karl Pilkington

I'm really happy. I just don't choose to show it. — Karl Pilkington

If you're doing the same job every day, there's room for error. — Karl Pilkington

Had a wee in the Amazon. Until Richard told me I should be careful because there are some tiny fish that can swim up from the water through my urine and into my knob! Is that how amazing the Amazon is? The fish in there would really rather live in my knob than the river. — Karl Pilkington

To be honest, today's runners may as well go back to being nude as them Lycra pants they wear don't really hide much, do they? It's plain to see that if Usain Bolt went back to the old ways of running in the nude he would have an advantage getting over the finish line before anyone else. It — Karl Pilkington

The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I can't relate to it. I think most people got into 'cos it gave them something to do on a Sunday, but since all the shops are now open it isn't required as much. — Karl Pilkington

There's fish in here that I've read about that are so see-through that they're invisible. So I don't even think they know they exist. — Karl Pilkington

I am pessimistic, I think that's the best way to be, because if you're always expecting the best - the best doesn't always happen. Nine times out of 10 it doesn't. I'm surprised when things go smoothly. I don't know what's wrong with being pessimistic - unless you are such a pessimist that you don't do anything. — Karl Pilkington

That's the problem with them fables, they're putting animals together that wouldn't meet. I don't know where a scorpion is knockin' around with a frog. — Karl Pilkington

It wouldn't happen ... There hasn't been one publication by a monkey — Karl Pilkington

The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos ... but we never saw his wife. — Karl Pilkington

We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that. — Karl Pilkington

Before we left, Seija asked if I felt any cosmic powers. I wanted to say yes, but I hadn't, so I decided to be honest with her. She seemed disappointed by this news. — Karl Pilkington

Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. [ ... ] I'd seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him. — Karl Pilkington

I've heard that fact, that is you eat more than six bananas it will kill you. I saw a bowl with seven bananas in it and I thought, that's dangerous. — Karl Pilkington

With identical twins, you always get a little snidey one. — Karl Pilkington

All fame is is having people you don't know coming up to you and saying, 'Hello.' I'm always polite and people are always nice, but it's weird. — Karl Pilkington

If you had five photos of anuses, I could not point mine out. — Karl Pilkington

We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissin' about age. — Karl Pilkington

Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder? — Karl Pilkington

They've found this spider, in the jungle. Three foot long, it eats chicken. Bit weird, innit. People moan saying that you shouldn't lock animals up and all the rest of it, but to be honest I wish it was locked up. The idea that it's roaming in a jungle ... get it locked up. — Karl Pilkington

There's a lot of idiots in the world, so live with it. — Karl Pilkington

People eat duck and you think, well, we've got loads of chickens, leave the ducks alone! — Karl Pilkington

I don't really go out at night in terms of noisy, busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somewhere. — Karl Pilkington

I'm not a proper traveler. I don't like to be challenged or have too much of a change and prefer a week away just to relax. — Karl Pilkington

If you don't sleep you get run down. Sloths never get a flu, cos its good innit thats when your body's replemishing — Karl Pilkington

Comedy's really subjective, you know; that's why it's so hard. — Karl Pilkington

Apparently you're not allowed to lick a toad's back. — Karl Pilkington

Getting old is better than being young. You can do what you want to do. — Karl Pilkington

I'm convinced the reason they don't make James Bond movies anymore is because the stunts he used to do no longer impress us as people do that stuff on a wet Thursday afternoon in an office team building session. Even sweaty Pete from IT manages to get his fat arse into a jumpsuit so he can do a tandem jump with his head of — Karl Pilkington

I've always wanted to kick a duck up the ass. — Karl Pilkington

I never buy a piece of art. I don't see the point in buying something because I know my eyes will get bored of it eventually. — Karl Pilkington

I'd say the best is when I was in Africa, I saw a hippo in a house. Someone had a pet hippo. And they're meant to be one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, and they had one that was sort of just wandering in and out of their house, just sort of roaming about. — Karl Pilkington

You know, when you're a producer, you're a bit of a lackey. You're just making cups of tea and making sure they've got newspaper, stuff like that. — Karl Pilkington

It's like there's some unwritten rule that if you're mates, you can say what you want to each other, and you don't really get that annoyed about it. — Karl Pilkington

I bought an Apple iPad and it was out of date sooner than a real apple would have been. We — Karl Pilkington

The reason I did the book about holidays is that you're a different person on holiday. You're sleeping somewhere unfamiliar, knocking about with people you've never met and for 10 days you're someone else. You're out of your comfortable zone. — Karl Pilkington

People say if bees die out, the world would end, apparently. Now, I don't know if that's true, if that's some bee enthusiast who managed to write a good document, and people believe this. — Karl Pilkington

In the sea you've got to be constantly sort of alert. It's worse in the sea [than anywhere else in the animal kingdom]. In the sea you've got an enemy behind every rock. — Karl Pilkington

The ball sack is supposed to be wrinkly; they're not bloody worry lines! I can't believe there's a machine that fixes this. I don't even own an iron. Balls don't need ironing! They're like a shellsuit, they're meant to be crease-looking. And anyway, I've sat on them most of the time, so they'd only get creased again. As for getting your arse bleached, I don't know what to make out that. I couldn't tell you what mine looks like. If you showed five photos of various anuses, I couldn't pick mine out from a line-up. I never understood why barbers used to show me the back of my head in a mirror after a quick trim, so I certainly wouldn't worry about the colour of my anus. I'd say if you're worrying about the colour of your anus, things must be good, as you can't have proper worries in your life. — Karl Pilkington

What I mean is, I don't know what I mean ... — Karl Pilkington

People say Dolphins are intelligent and that but they've never done anything that have blown me away. They say I'm a div and Dolphins are intelligent ... It just baffles me. — Karl Pilkington

Stay green, stay in the woods, and stay safe. — Karl Pilkington

By 78 you've done everything you're going to do. If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78 you're not going to do it. — Karl Pilkington

People who live in glass houses ... have to answer the door. — Karl Pilkington

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science. — Karl Pilkington

As long as you're remembering baby Jesus, does it matter when you're remembering him. That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it December 25th. — Karl Pilkington

I don't know any Londoners 'cos I'm from Manchester. — Karl Pilkington

Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive. — Karl Pilkington

the bus was running late, but in truth this was no surprise. Delhi probably got its name from the word 'delay'. — Karl Pilkington

At some point, some insect has had sex with a leaf. — Karl Pilkington

I was impressed by the Taj Mahal. A good bit of work, well looked after, worth paying money to see. — Karl Pilkington

I know when I was a kid I ate a beetle. I ate a beetle because I thought it was licorice. — Karl Pilkington

With acting, I didn't get much from it. — Karl Pilkington

Fishing: I don't really like it. I don't really like the expression on the fish's face. — Karl Pilkington

Being honest with you, it's not the 'great' wall of China. It's an all right wall. It's the 'All Right Wall of China.' — Karl Pilkington

Knowledge is annoying — Karl Pilkington

I found that being with happy positive people annoys me. — Karl Pilkington

Could the world fall? — Karl Pilkington

If you go away with, you know, a girlfriend, wife, whatever, you have an argument on holiday because you're not used to spending that much time with people. — Karl Pilkington

One of my wisdom teeth is playing up. My dentist said it is known to happen with some people when they're stressed. My teeth seem to know I'm stressed before I do. Maybe that's why they're called wisdom teeth. — Karl Pilkington

Kids are like farts in that way. They never seem to bother the owner as much as they bother everyone else. — Karl Pilkington

I came up with a good idea ... see-through skin. — Karl Pilkington

You don't get anything done by planning — Karl Pilkington

We should all love animals. — Karl Pilkington

Every step starts with a step. — Karl Pilkington

The Tudors, I don't even know if I had a family back then. — Karl Pilkington

Everyone is living for everyone else now. They're doing stuff so they can tell other people about it. I don't get all that social media stuff, I've always got other things I want to do - odd jobs around the house. No one wants to hear about that. — Karl Pilkington

A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect. — Karl Pilkington

I've done some luxury flying, which is brilliant. It has only happened once or twice, but it was nice because flying is the worst part of the holiday. But then again, if the plane crashes, you're still dead. For that much money I'd want a little capsule that whizzed me off to safety if it was going to crash. — Karl Pilkington

My mam told me not to tell many people about not being christened, as she said I would be a prime target for witches. To this day I don't know what she meant by that. — Karl Pilkington

With evolution, things are always changing, so I sort of think: Should we all be growing three heads? — Karl Pilkington

I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'm not important, am I? I'm not doing anything that makes a difference. — Karl Pilkington

It's not a joke: I really do like being at home. — Karl Pilkington

I've always found cherubs a bit sinister. The idea of winged babies flying around with no nappies on seems like an accident waiting to happen. There would be shit everywhere. If I saw a cherub flying about in real life it would terrify me, whereas a Cyclops, which is another mythical being, wouldn't scare me at all, as it's just a bloke with one eye. He'd be registered disabled and get a decent parking space in today's world. — Karl Pilkington

I sometimes wear headphones even though I'm not listening to anything just so I'm left alone. It's the next best thing to wearing a 'Do Not Disturb' sign. — Karl Pilkington

I say have the night and give people the awards, but why do people want to watch people win awards? What are they getting out of it? I don't quite get it. Because they have awards all the time; there's awards for butchers, the best meat served, but they don't televise it. I don't know why they do it for films or TV programs. — Karl Pilkington

I've tried counting sheep like everyone recommends, but what tends to happen is that my brain thinks it's seen the same sheep twice and that messes up my count, and when I think there's no more sheep to count, another three will come running along and startle me. Or just as I think I've finished counting, an elephant comes running in. By this point I'm wide awake. — Karl Pilkington

How would I know which one I was? — Karl Pilkington

Classes teaching you how to breathe. I'm 32, I think I've got the hang of it. — Karl Pilkington

A dog has got human eyes. — Karl Pilkington

The problem is, these days you have to listen to too many parts of your body. Sometimes I go with my gut feeling, some say go with what your heart says - it's only a matter of time before my appendix will have an opinion. This is probably why there are so many helplines these days. No one knows who to bloody listen to! — Karl Pilkington

There was always something. It's like with this one, there's always something that's mad that I look back on it and go, that's pretty amazing to say that I've done that or been there. — Karl Pilkington

I thought the fart was a human thing. It's something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever. — Karl Pilkington

Well ... like, when you're born, you're a little baby, you're wrinkly and stuff, when you get older you sort of morph into a baby again ... — Karl Pilkington

I had a coconut on the way, which was another first for me. A drink and food all in one. It didn't look like the normal coconuts you win at fairgrounds. There was no hair on it. I don't know if that's how they grow here or if it's that Brazilians hate hair on anything and they've waxed them. — Karl Pilkington

The only reason you don't go on holiday, is 'cause you have to spend money. — Karl Pilkington

I'm a bit rubbish at knowing when something is good. But if it goes out and I can say, "I wasn't as bad as I thought I would be", then I'll be happy. Until then, I'll be thinking, "I shouldn't be here!" — Karl Pilkington

That's the problem with having a bald head. It exaggerates the shape. — Karl Pilkington

Your dreams should never be better than your real life — Karl Pilkington

I think it's a problem when something's a dream because it'll never live up to your expectations. It's better to go somewhere thinking it'll be horrible, and then be pleasantly surprised. — Karl Pilkington