Judith Martin Quotes & Sayings

The simple idea that everyone needs a reasonable amount of challenging work in his or her life, and also a personal life, complete with noncompetitive leisure, has never really taken hold. — Judith Martin

Honesty has come to mean the privilege of insulting you to your face without expecting redress. — Judith Martin

It is not rude to turn off your telephone by switching it on to an answering machine, which is cheaper and less disruptive than ripping it out of the wall. Those who are offended because they cannot always get through when they seek, at their own convenience, to barge in on people are suffering from a rude expectation. — Judith Martin

Miss Manners' meager arsenal consists only of the withering look, the insistent and repeated request, the cold voice, the report up the chain of command and the tilted nose. They generally work. — Judith Martin

I make a distinction between manners and etiquette - manners as the principles, which are eternal and universal, etiquette as the particular rules which are arbitrary and different in different times, different situations, different cultures. — Judith Martin

There are three social classes in America: upper middle class, middle class, and lower middle class. — Judith Martin

A general rule of etiquette is that one apologizes for the unfortunate occurrence, but the unthinkable is unmentionable. — Judith Martin

The only way to enjoy the fun of catching people behaving disgustingly is to have children. One has to keep having them, however, because it is incorrect to correct grown people, even if you have grown them yourself. — Judith Martin

Being listened to should be sufficiently gratifying in itself, whether or not the advice is followed. — Judith Martin

Yes, etiquette is hypocritical. Yes, it does inhibit children - if you're lucky. But the idea that it's elitist and irrelevant is like saying language is elitist and irrelevant. — Judith Martin

Sometimes we do things a certain way just because that is the way we do things. — Judith Martin

We are all entitled to our little harmless habits, but we are not entitled to demand approval for them. — Judith Martin

People read informality as, 'Do whatever you feel like,' and whatever you feel like might be disastrous. — Judith Martin

It is one of Miss Manners's great discoveries that one needn't contradict others in order to set them straight. — Judith Martin

There are always proper responses, even to rude questions. — Judith Martin

It doesn't matter whether the bride or the bridegroom writes the letters of thanks for wedding presents provided that these go out immediately after the arrival of each present and are not in the handwriting of the bride's mother. — Judith Martin

I have always believed that the key to a happy marriage was the ability to say with a straight face, 'Why, I don't know what you're worrying about. I thought you were very funny last night and I'm sure everybody else did, too. — Judith Martin

You do not have to do everything disagreeable that you have a right to do. — Judith Martin

Indeed, Miss Manners has come to believe that the basic political division in this country is not between liberals and conservatives but between those who believe that they should have a say in the love lives of strangers and those who do not. — Judith Martin

We're now seeing email that people thought they had deleted showing up as evidence in court. You can't erase email. As that becomes more commonly realized, people will be a little wiser about what they type. — Judith Martin

The dinner table is the center for the teaching and practicing not just of table manners but of conversation, consideration, tolerance, family feeling, and just about all the other accomplishments of polite society except the minuet. — Judith Martin

Nowadays, we never allow ourselves the convenience of being temporarily unavailable, even to strangers. With telephone and beeper, people subject themselves to being instantly accessible to everyone at all times, and it is the person who refuses to be on call, rather than the importunate caller, who is considered rude. — Judith Martin

We are born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society. — Judith Martin

A lot of men got upset at the feminist movement because they had all the toys and we wanted some. — Judith Martin

Ideological differences are no excuse for rudeness. — Judith Martin

Try not to annoy your relatives unnecessarily. — Judith Martin

The challenge of manners is not so much to be nice to someone whose favor and/or person you covet (although more people need to be reminded of that necessity than one would suppose) as to be exposed to the bad manners of others without imitating them. — Judith Martin

People who put slipcovers, doilies, plastic protectors, and cellophane on everything good that they own rarely live to see an occasion so good that all these covers are removed. — Judith Martin

If written directions alone would suffice, libraries wouldn't need to have the rest of the universities attached. — Judith Martin

Why bring children into a world where no one writes letters? — Judith Martin

The whole country wants civility. Why don't we have it? It doesn't cost anything. No federal funding, no legislation is involved. One answer is the unwillingness to restrain oneself. Everybody wants other people to be polite to them, but they want the freedom of not having to be polite to others. — Judith Martin

Parents should conduct their arguments in quiet, respectful tones, but in a foreign language. You'd be surprised what an inducement that is to the education of children. — Judith Martin

One should not be assigned one's identity in society by the job slot one happens to fill. If we truly believe in the dignity of labor, any task can be performed with equal pride because none can demean the basic dignity of a human being. — Judith Martin

Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers. — Judith Martin

People will say, 'Seventy isn't old, it's middle-aged,' and I think, middle of what - 140? — Judith Martin

My children did not go through a stage of being rude to their parents. I'm sorry if that sounds incredible. — Judith Martin

Screening telephone calls with a receptionist or the humbler answering machine is not a dishonorable thing to do. The warmest people in the world still need uninterrupted time to attend to their lives and should not be outwitted if they have made it obvious that they are not always available upon summons. — Judith Martin

You think death is any better an excuse for desertion than any other? — Judith Martin

When people start hurling insults at you, you know their minds are closed and there's no point in debating. You disengage yourself as quickly as possible from the situation. — Judith Martin

One of the major mistakes people make is that they think manners are only the expression of happy ideas. There's a whole range of behavior that can be expressed in a mannerly way. That's what civilization is all about - doing it in a mannerly and not an antagonistic way. One of the places we went wrong was the naturalistic, Rousseauean movement of the Sixties in which people said, "Why can't you just say what's on your mind?" In civilization there have to be some restraints. If we followed every impulse, we'd be killing one another. — Judith Martin

The etiquette question that troubles so many fastidious people New Year's Day is: How am I ever going to face those people again? — Judith Martin

I try to behave myself, and I succeed. — Judith Martin

Freedom without rules doesn't work. And communities do not work unless they are regulated by etiquette. — Judith Martin

Learn graceful ways of saying no and of pointing out that this pressure to do something is not in line with most people's wishes. — Judith Martin

When politeness is used to show up other people, it is reclassified as rudeness. Thus it is technically impossible to be too polite. — Judith Martin

The idea that people can behave naturally, without resorting to an artificial code tacitly agreed upon by their society, is as silly as the idea that they can communicate by a spoken language without commonly accepted semantic and grammatical rules. — Judith Martin

College women are typically given to declaring for one or the other (in my day, for marriage; now, generally, for careers), and only later finding to their surprise that they must cope with both
while their men may be trying to figure out how to get out of doing both. — Judith Martin

Manners require showing consideration of all human beings, not just the ones to whom one is close. — Judith Martin

Nowadays, you form your beliefs to fit your behavior, not the other way around. — Judith Martin

Nobody believes that the man who says, 'Look, lady, you wanted equality,' to explain why he won't give up his seat to a pregnant woman carrying three grocery bags, a briefcase, and a toddler is seized with the symbolism of idealism. — Judith Martin

Chaperons don't enforce morality; they force immorality to be discreet. — Judith Martin

When you're in love, you put up with things that, when you're out of love you cite. — Judith Martin

If you can't be kind, at least be vague. — Judith Martin

Being polite does not mean being mummified. — Judith Martin

Appearing to pay attention when someone is speaking is one of the cornerstones of real social interaction. — Judith Martin

First. I began my career as a copy girl. and the White House coverage, for example, was in the then-Women's section. So it was social coverage. It wasn't news, although we often got rather startling news out of it. — Judith Martin

One reason that the task of inventing manners is so difficult is that etiquette is folk custom, and people have emotional ties to the forms of their youth. That is why there is such hostility between generations in times of rapid change; their manners being different, each feels affronted by the other, taking even the most surface choices for challenges. — Judith Martin

To sacrifice the principles of manners, which require compassion and respect, and bat people over the head with their ignorance of etiquette rules they cannot be expected to know is both bad manners and poor etiquette. That social climbers and twits have misused etiquette throughout history should not be used as an argument for doing away with it. — Judith Martin

The pejorative term "political correctness" was adapted to express disapproval of the enlargement of etiquette to cover all people, in spite of this being a principle to which all Americans claim to subscribe — Judith Martin

The greater the controversy, the more you need manners. — Judith Martin

Etiquette is all human social behavior. If you're a hermit on a mountain, you don't have to worry about etiquette; if somebody comes up the mountain, then you've got a problem. It matters because we want to live in reasonably harmonious communities. — Judith Martin

Part of the skill of saying no is to shut up afterward and not babble on, offering material for an argument. — Judith Martin

The truly essential bargain between host and guest requires the guest only to respond promptly, show up on time, socialize with other guests, thank the host, write additional thanks and reciprocate. You needn't bring anything. — Judith Martin

The language of clothing is high symbolism and we all, in moments where we need to know this, realize it. — Judith Martin

Charming villains have always had a decided social advantage over well-meaning people who chew with their mouths open.
— Judith Martin

We already know that anonymous letters are despicable. In etiquette, as well as in law, hiring a hit man to do the job does not relieve you of responsibility. — Judith Martin

[after the death of a loved one] It is when there is nothing more to be done that the reality of the loss often hits with full force. — Judith Martin

Many of the guests will eventually leave the table to watch football on television, which would be a rudeness at any other occasion but is a relief at Thanksgiving and probably the only way to get those people to budge. — Judith Martin

Miss Manners herself, while never rude, is given to pulling a fast pinch in the way of a handshake on those who believe in kissing on, not even the first date, but the first sighting. — Judith Martin

Washington knows that it is not safe to kick people who are down until you find out what their next stop will be. — Judith Martin

The more skillful the performance of false cheer, the more pleasing the effect is upon one's public and on that private audience to whom one owes even more. — Judith Martin

Chaperons, even in their days of glory, were almost never able to enforce morality; what they did was to force immorality to be discreet. This is no small contribution. — Judith Martin

Etiquette is about all of human social behavior. Behavior is regulated by law when etiquette breaks down or when the stakes are high - violations of life, limb, property and so on. Barring that, etiquette is a little social contract we make that we will restrain some of our more provocative impulses in return for living more or less harmoniously in a community. — Judith Martin

We are all born rude. No infant has ever appeared yet with the grace to understand how inconsiderate it is to disturb others in the middle of the night. — Judith Martin

Obviously I'm going to be polite, so nobody has anything to fear from me. — Judith Martin

DEAR MISS MANNERS:
I a tired of being treated like a child. My father says it's because I am a child
I am twelve-and-a-half years old
but it still isn't fair. If I go into a store to buy something, nobody pays any attention to me, or if they do, it's to say, "Leave that alone," "Don't touch that," although I haven't done anything. My money is as good as anybody's, but because I am younger, they feel they can be mean to me. It happens to me at home, too. My mother's friend who comes over after dinner sometimes, who doesn't have any children of her own and doesn't know what's what, likes to say to me, "Shouldn't you be in bed by now,dear?" when she doesn't even know what my bedtime is supposed to be. Is there any way I can make these people stop?
GENTLE READER:
Growing up is the best revenge. — Judith Martin

As if etiquette weren't magnificently capable of being used to make others feel uncomfortable. All right. Miss Manners will give you an example, although you are spoiling her Queen Victoria mood: If you are rude to your ex-husband's new wife at your daughter's wedding, you will make her feel smug. Comfortable. If you are charming and polite, you will make her feel uncomfortable. Which do you want to do? On — Judith Martin

The family dinner table is the cornerstone of civilization and those who 'graze' from refrigerators or in front of the television sets are doomed to remain in a state of savagery. — Judith Martin

Like language, a code of manners can be used with more or less skill, for laudable or for evil purposes, to express a great variety of ideas and emotions. In itself, it carries no moral value, but ignorance in use of this tool is not a sign of virtue. — Judith Martin

When someone has tried to please you, it is rude, as well as disheartening, to respond by announcing that the effort was a failure. — Judith Martin

Fairness does not consist so much of everybody's doing the same thing, but of everybody's being willing to do something that others don't want to do. — Judith Martin

What restricts the use of the word 'lady' among the courteous is that it is intended to set a woman apart from ordinary humanity, and in the working world that is not a help, as women have discovered in many bitter ways. — Judith Martin

Protocol is etiquette with a government expense account. — Judith Martin

Over the last couple of decades, the personalization of the office changed dramatically ... there's an informality people often take for the absence of rules - which it's not. — Judith Martin

She only maintains that it is possible, under some circumstances, for a lady to murder her husband; but that a woman who wears ankle-strap shoes and smokes on the street corner, though she may be a joy to all who know her and have devoted her life to charity, could never qualify as a lady. — Judith Martin

What you have when everyone wears the same playclothes for all occasions, is addressed by nickname, expected to participate in Show And Tell, and bullied out of any desire form privacy, is not democracy; it is kindergarten. — Judith Martin

It is wrong to wear diamonds before luncheon, except on one's marriage rings. Before, after, and during breakfast, luncheon and dinner, it is vulgar to wear a mixture of colored precious stones. It is always a comfort to know that so many things one can't afford to do anyway are vulgar. — Judith Martin

Most people who work at home find they do not have the benefit of receptionists who serve as personal guards. — Judith Martin

Perhaps the greatest rudenesses of our time come not from the callousness of strangers, but from the solicitousness of intimates who believe that their frank criticisms are always welcome, and who feel free to "be themselves" with those they love, which turns out to mean being their worst selves, while saving their best behavior for strangers. — Judith Martin

A young lady is a female child who has just done something dreadful. — Judith Martin

When you consider how epidemic boredom is in our time, you have to concede that entertaining is a healing art. — Judith Martin

Society cannot exist without etiquette ... It never has, and until our own century, everybody knew that. — Judith Martin

People say when you're in love, you don't need etiquette. Well, you need it then more than anything. Or they say, 'At home I can just be myself.' What they mean is they can be their worst selves ... They always mean they will save all their anxiety about how to behave for somebody like the head waiter of a restaurant, someone they'll never see again. — Judith Martin

When a society abandons its ideals just because most people can't live up to them, behavior gets very ugly indeed. — Judith Martin

If you put together all the ingredients that naturally attract children - sex, violence, revenge, spectacle and vigorous noise - what you have is grand opera. — Judith Martin

Miss Manners does not mind explaining the finer points of gracious living, but she feels that anyone without the sense to pick up a potato chip and stuff it in their face should probably not be running around loose on the streets. — Judith Martin

The invention of the teenager was a mistake. Once you identify a period of life in which people get to stay out late but don't have to pay taxes - naturally, no one wants to live any other way. — Judith Martin

Smart people duck when they hear the dread announcement 'I'm going to be perfectly honest with you. — Judith Martin

'Honesty' in social life is often used as a cover for rudeness. But there is quite a difference between being candid in what you're talking about, and people voicing their insulting opinions under the name of honesty. — Judith Martin

Everybody's an art critic. — Judith Martin