Josh Stern Quotes & Sayings

I'm playing chess while everyone else is playing checkers, that's why I always lose — Josh Stern

If my body is a Temple, then The Greeks and Romans ransacked it years ago — Josh Stern

Karma can be an ill-timed mistress who always calls when your Mother-in-law is the first to answer the phone ... . and it would be a completely sad story had it not been so surreally hilarious. — Josh Stern

If you live life on your own terms, people will definitely not understand you — Josh Stern

Date rape is just plain moronic when you consider how slutty figs are — Josh Stern

Women, can't live with them, can't murder/suicide without them — Josh Stern

Dr. Suess said: 'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened..'
I tell my dates: 'Don't cry because it happened, smile because it's over — Josh Stern

Waiting for something to fall into your lap is a good way to get goosed — Josh Stern

It's not hard to fail ... it's hard to accept you failed ... but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing — Josh Stern

Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrhea — Josh Stern

I hate carrying a torch, which is weird because otherwise I'm such a pyromaniac — Josh Stern

positivity is the father of reinvention — Josh Stern

Most of us need something not to walk away from — Josh Stern

While Sex without love is shallow, it's so profoundly uncomplicated — Josh Stern

Some people are so positive, that when they slip in dog poop, they pirouette — Josh Stern

When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service ... .that's no chocolate on the pillow — Josh Stern

In order to butterfly kiss, does it require caterpillar lips? — Josh Stern

If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months — Josh Stern

Treat me like a king and I'll treat you like a queen ... Treat me like a queen and off with your head — Josh Stern

Never wear a top hat and tails and bring a saw to a funeral — Josh Stern

Y'know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations, like sitting on frozen peas after a vasectomy — Josh Stern

Only the good die young'- especially when they're milk fed — Josh Stern

I like gross generalizations ... I also like disgusting specifics! — Josh Stern

Having a life expectancy is just part of being self-entitled — Josh Stern

I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free — Josh Stern

There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident — Josh Stern

When she says 'I've never done this before she just means with you — Josh Stern

Falling in love means your reserve chute didn't work as you hurtled back to earth — Josh Stern

If the love is not madness, then the sex is not insane — Josh Stern

I married Miss Right, but didn't know at the time she had shortened her name from Righteouspainintheass — Josh Stern

As for Chicks with Daddy Issues: Do I really want to be with a Woman who wants to be my Father? — Josh Stern

Don't ever mistake silence for ignorance, when it is obviously stupidity — Josh Stern

Target your random acts of kindness, to keep a tally of who owes what — Josh Stern

When Unicorns headbutt, there are no winners — Josh Stern

An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpet — Josh Stern

If you love somebody set them free- it also works equally well if you hate somebody — Josh Stern

If positivity is not your mindset, then reset — Josh Stern

I like two beautiful women on my arm- as human shields — Josh Stern

Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it in summer school — Josh Stern

I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers — Josh Stern

To acknowledge the absurdly surreal is the clarity to embrace life as it is, not as we desire it- what you do with this information, hell if I know — Josh Stern

If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working — Josh Stern

It's always darkest before you're blinded by the light — Josh Stern

Not only will those ultra bright European sulphur diode high beams ' catch a deer in the headlights' they'll vaporize it too — Josh Stern

When people try to rain on your parade, ... pee on theirs — Josh Stern

If you're not part of the problem, you're not ambitious enough — Josh Stern

Don't you wish some people came with a silencer? — Josh Stern

I like my coffee like I like myself ... making rustling noises inside a burlap bag — Josh Stern

What I lack in brilliance, I more than make up for in glitter — Josh Stern

Friends might lose touch but never lose feelings — Josh Stern

I'm not saying I'm an Alcoholic, but I do have prescription shot glasses — Josh Stern

I hate pulling out ... I mean, I'm really bad at the whole parking thing ... — Josh Stern

Who enjoys life more? Well to start with, definitely the Living — Josh Stern

The only threesome I've ever experienced is with Pantene 2 in 1 — Josh Stern

Flying is simple. Hitting the ground is hard — Josh Stern

I'd die for your sins, but I'd probably enjoy them first — Josh Stern

Love is the canvas covering the furniture that you've become a part of — Josh Stern

Revenge is a dish best served by a tennis racket — Josh Stern

Does speed dating necessarily end up in a quickie divorce ... ? — Josh Stern

If America runs on Dunkin', do I detect a slight limp? — Josh Stern

If you see the light at the end
of the tunnel, you're looking
through binoculars the wrong
way — Josh Stern

If you deny the existence of a higher being, you've never been to rehab — Josh Stern

Some people try to climb the ladder of success, while others try to jump on it — Josh Stern

If you're going to walk down the aisle together, best to go single file — Josh Stern

Come Hell or High Water usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub — Josh Stern

Never send a Man in to do a Donkey's job — Josh Stern

I hate cutting my wrists while shaving — Josh Stern

There's a fine mascara line between genius and insanity — Josh Stern

When it comes to relationships, I find it best to have two feet out the door — Josh Stern

The primary difference between sex and death is, with death there is no dress code — Josh Stern

All the world's a stage and I'm just going through a phase — Josh Stern

If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels ... — Josh Stern

People who live in brick houses shouldn't throw wrecking balls — Josh Stern

Don't take me under your wing and tell me that scent is duck sauce — Josh Stern

Everything is a drive-thru. You just have to aim really fast — Josh Stern

At this point in my life, beaming confidence is largely a matter of mind over bladder control — Josh Stern

My greatest fault is trying to stuff the baggage of an impossible situation into the trunk of an elegant solution — Josh Stern

I started to enjoy the regal sport of cockfighting ... but I'm still having trouble getting the hang of windmilling the bayonet — Josh Stern

Women are aroused by the strangest things, like a rock going through their bedroom window — Josh Stern

I freely admit to enjoying the attentions Women lavish on me- Although it's usually when they're taking my order — Josh Stern

Rome wasn't built in a day, except in Lego Land — Josh Stern

It doesn't really matter if you're right wing or left wing ... as long you're delicious — Josh Stern

If you can't beat them, conjoin them — Josh Stern

If she can do the splits, the 5 second rule does not apply — Josh Stern

Never borrow trouble, the payback's a bitch — Josh Stern

Maturity is when you no longer get the urge to make snow angels in mud season — Josh Stern

things you bone, end up boning you — Josh Stern

The only way I'd ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hard — Josh Stern

Trying to balance chivalry with equality, I always open a door for a Lady ... then stick my foot out — Josh Stern

I have a keen sense of the oblivious — Josh Stern

Camus said 'Love Lasts or Love Burns'. I want a Lasting Burn-just nothing requiring a series of painful treatments by a rubber-gloved Doctor — Josh Stern

Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends — Josh Stern

Women need a reason to have sex, while men just need an angle — Josh Stern

Patience is learning to take a deep breath while you're exhaling — Josh Stern

Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs — Josh Stern

When you enter the Lions Den, it's best not to go empty-handed or you'll probably leave that way — Josh Stern

I always fall butter side down — Josh Stern

Some Women have this thermogenic effect on you, even after they've left, you can still breathe her scent, feel her electricity & be stunned — Josh Stern

I wanted to marry the first girl that I fell in love with, but there were religious differences.
I was an agnostic and she was a Polycarbonate — Josh Stern

You're only given as much as you can handle, before going back for seconds — Josh Stern