John Scalzi Quotes & Sayings

You have to eliminate the low-hanging targets first, on the off chance you were dealing with morons. — John Scalzi

The reality is more complicated, but as with most humans, the people on Earth prefer the simple answer. — John Scalzi

Do not mourn me, friends
I fall as a shooting star
Into the next life — John Scalzi

It's better to be a dog in peace, than a man in war. — John Scalzi

She was my friend. Briefly, she was my lover. She was braver than I ever would have been in the moment of death. And I bet she was a hell of a shooting star. — John Scalzi

The diagnostic said there was nothing wrong with the threep, which may have meant there was something wrong with the diagnostic. — John Scalzi

I'm more interested in becoming a commercial writer, and unfortunately, commentary on my writing from a bunch of other unpublished writers is of little utility in that regard. Being a better writer is something of a moot point, since if you're not a commercial writer to some extent, very few people will know whether your writing is any good or not. — John Scalzi

Ultimately, people write to be understood (excepting Gertrude Stein and Tristan Tzara, who were intentionally being difficult). — John Scalzi

Because every time I think of starships skipping across the galaxy, I imagine Albert Einstein in a policeman's uniform, writing up a ticket. — John Scalzi

It's war, you jackasses," Keyes snapped. "I'm sorry it's not terribly convenient or comfortable for you. — John Scalzi

Do your people have racists? People who believe they are inherently superior to all other types of intelligent people?" "We have some," Sorvalh said. "They're generally agreed to be idiots. — John Scalzi

I find it difficult to believe that Redditors don't understand that anonymity online is merely a facade; indeed, it's probably one of the reasons that revealing the identity of pseudonymous Redditors is looked on as such a huge betrayal. — John Scalzi

For as much as I hate the cemetery, I've been grateful it's here, too. I miss my wife. It's easier to miss her at a cemetery, where she's never been anything but dead, than to miss her in all the places where she was alive. — John Scalzi

I did two things on my seventy-fifth birthday. I visited my wife's grave. Then I joined the army.
Visiting Kathy's grave was the less dramatic of the two. — John Scalzi

Maybe after the first dozen times it happened, the Universal Union should have started engineering for space defenestration. NICK — John Scalzi

Which is why Mom, when she's being indiscreet, refers to the trophy room as the "vet's office." Because that's where Dad brings people to take their balls. — John Scalzi

Fear enters the room and sits down in a chair and with a polite smile asks to open negotiations. — John Scalzi

I'm going to go pee. If the universe is bigger and stranger than I can imagine, it's best to meet it with an empty bladder. — John Scalzi

Some planets evolved genetic structures roughly similar to Earth's, incorporating some if not all the nucleotides involved in terrestrial genetics (perhaps not coincidentally, the intelligent species of these planets have been known to consume humans from time to time; — John Scalzi

Well, 'explode' maybe isn't the most accurate term. What actually happens is much more interesting. — John Scalzi

It's not a bad idea." "It's a terrible idea," Oi said. "It just has the advantage of being better than the other option. — John Scalzi

I despise you and I love you, you who are my damnation and salvation both. — John Scalzi

This is my first time working with a human," Werd said, to Wilson. "How's it going so far?" Wilson asked. "Not bad," Werd said. "You're kind of ugly, though." "I get that a lot," Wilson said. "I bet you do," Werd said. "I won't hold it against you." "Thanks," Wilson said. "But if you smell, I'm pushing you out an airlock," Werd said. — John Scalzi

I opened the door for him; he took off like a furry heat-seeking slobber missile. — John Scalzi

Occam's razor theory of combat: The simplest way of kicking someone's ass was usually the correct one. — John Scalzi

This is the last time I would ever visit the cemetery or my wife's grave, but I didn't want to expend too much effort in trying to remember it. As I said, this is the place where she's never been anything but dead. There's not much value in remembering that. — John Scalzi

He reached over, took the second cookie, and offered it to Robbins. "Here," he said. "I saw you coveting it." Robbins stared at the cookie, then looked around. "I can't take that," he said. "Sure you can," Szilard said. "I'm not supposed to eat anything here," Robbins said. "So what?" Szilard said. "Screw 'em. It's a ridiculous tradition and you know it. So break it. Take the cookie." Robbins took the cookie and stared at it glumly. "Oh, good God," Szilard said. "Do I have to order you to eat the damn thing?" "It might help," Robbins said. "Fine," Szilard said. "Colonel, I'm giving you a direct order. Eat the fucking cookie." Robbins ate it. The waiter was scandalized. — John Scalzi

The problem with aging is not that it's one damn thing after another - it's every damn thing, all at once, all the time. — John Scalzi

Colonel, I'm giving you a direct order. Eat the fucking cookie. — John Scalzi

I do think people of good will can have different opinions but still be coming not from a place of malice. — John Scalzi

Liberals: The stupidest and weakest members of the political triumvirate, they allowed conservatives to turn their name into a slur against them, exposing them as the political equivalent of the kid who lets the school bully pummel him with his own fists (Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself). — John Scalzi

If you want me to treat your ideas with more respect, get some better ideas. — John Scalzi

This is my rife. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My rife is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I have master my life. My rife, without me, is useless. Without my rife, I am useless. I must fire my rife true. I must shoot before he shoots me. And I will. - Marine Rife Creed — John Scalzi

I love her more than I actually express in words - an irony for a writer - and am every day genuinely amazed I get to spend my life with her. — John Scalzi

You're insane!"

"Call me HAL and make me sing 'Daisy, Daisy'. — John Scalzi

How did you get here, anyway?" "It's classified." "I'm close enough to stab you with a fork. — John Scalzi

Damn real live people, getting in the way of peaceful ideals. — John Scalzi

Well, let's start with the big one," Creek said. "You're your own nation." Robin considered that for a moment. "For your sake, that had better not be a comment about the size of my ass," she said. The — John Scalzi

It's not that Seaborg disliked Harvey, but after a couple of combat drops with the 2nd Platoon one got the sense that if you didn't like things to explode unnecessarily around you, you would want to stay well clear of Daniel Harvey. — John Scalzi

Here's a quick rule of thumb: Don't annoy science fiction writers. These are people who destroy entire planets before lunch. Think of what they'll do to you. — John Scalzi

If knew you were going to drug me, kidnap me, and take me back to the dark ages with out my pants, I never would have slept with you. — John Scalzi

The part of Cardenia's brain in charge of gestalting slammed everything together and shoved it into her consciousness. — John Scalzi

The idea of spending another six hours with Leon and his farts was more than I could take. — John Scalzi

Is it good? It ain't Shakespeare, but then, Shakespeare wrote Titus Andronicus, so you tell me. — John Scalzi

You don't win by getting through all your life not having done anything. — John Scalzi

I am not Death. I am killing; I am the verb, I am the action, I am the performance. — John Scalzi

That as far as I can tell," Jenkins said, "it's not actually a very good show. — John Scalzi

I am not responsible for actions of the imaginary version of me you have inside your head. — John Scalzi

Making people change because you can't deal with who they are isn't how it's supposed to be done. What needs to be done is for people to pull their heads out of their asses. You say 'cure.' I hear 'you're not human enough. — John Scalzi

Who are you and what medications aren't you taking? Finn said. — John Scalzi

Yes, death by away team. Very effective on this ship, Jenkins said. — John Scalzi

Nice is nice," Hayter-Ross said. "But being a bitch gets results. — John Scalzi

The man reached into his coat and pulled out a wallet containing an ID card. "Agent Dwight, FBI. Miss Baker, I need you to come with me. You're in danger here."
"In danger?" Robin said. "In danger from what?"
"Not from what. From who," Agent Dwight said, and glanced over at Creek. "You're in danger from him. He's going to kill you, Miss Baker. At least he is going to try."
Robin turned to Creek. "You bastard," she said. "You never said anything about killing me when we made the date."
— John Scalzi

Even then, retailers learned early that shoppers prefer their shopping suggestions not be too truthful. One of the great unwritten chapters of retail intelligence programming featured a "personal shopper" program that all-too-accurately modeled the shoppers' desires and outputted purchase ideas based on what shoppers really wanted as opposed to what they wanted known that they wanted. This resulted in one overcompensatingly masculine test user receiving suggestions for an anal plug and a tribute art book for classic homoerotic artist Tom of Finland, while a female test user in the throes of a nasty divorce received suggestions for a small handgun, a portable bandsaw, and several gallons of an industrial solvent used to reduce organic matter to an easily drainable slurry. — John Scalzi

Don't discount that part of who he was just because you didn't know it. None of us are all of who we are to any one person. — John Scalzi

I don't keep a Bucket List. I'm open to anything. — John Scalzi

While landing a spacecraft on a planet via Skip Drive navigation was officially and strongly discouraged by the Colonial Union, the Colonial Defense Forces recognized the strategic value of sudden and unexpected arrivals. — John Scalzi

They were the only people in all the universe who were not conscious. Although every creature could think and reason, it could not know itself as every other intelligent creature could know itself. The creatures lacked awareness of who they were as individuals, even as they lived and thrived and grew on the face of the moon of the planet. — John Scalzi

Sooner or later the Narrative will come for each of us. — John Scalzi

He was determined to be the most touristy tourist who had ever touristed, — John Scalzi

Making peace is often a simple thing, but simple isn't the same thing as easy. — John Scalzi

I've met a lot of people in the diplomatic corps who were in love with the sound of their own voice, but this guy. He and his voice should just get a room. — John Scalzi

I think back to the day I stood before my wife's grave for the final time, and turned away from it without regret, because I knew that what she was was not contained in that hole in the ground. I entered a new life and found her again, in a woman who was entirely her own person. When this life is done, I'll turn away from it without regret as well, because I know she waits for me, in another, different life. — John Scalzi

If your flirting strategy is indistinguishable from harassment, it's not everyone else that's the problem. — John Scalzi

If you ever want to feel like you're on the verge of total, abject bowel-releasing terror, try making your way a klick or two out of a forest, at night, with the certain feeling you're being hunted. It makes you feel alive, it really does, but not in a way you want to feel alive. — John Scalzi

(Obin: "it," not "he" or "she." Because they're hermaphrodites. That means male and female sex organs. Go ahead and have your giggle. I'll wait. Okay, done? Good.) — John Scalzi

When I'm writing a novel or doing other serious writing work, I do it on a schedule that dictates writing either 2,000 words a day or writing until noon. After I hit whichever mark comes first, then I can give my attention to everything else I have to do. — John Scalzi

You see tools and parts and my arm shoved inside a small spacecraft, and you really have to ask what I'm doing? — John Scalzi

If your social consciousness seems stuck in 1975, 2014 is gonna be a rough ride. — John Scalzi

Humor is rare in science fiction ... there's so little of it that it automatically reminds you of other heroes with that acerbic humor when you find it. — John Scalzi

Try to be nice. And if you can't be nice, then shut the hell up and go stand in the corner with your drink and leave all the rest of us alone. Yes, yes, you're right and everyone else is wrong. That - like your immense talent - is a given. But just because you're right doesn't mean you should be a dick about it. — John Scalzi

blackballed from guild roles for two generations, because apparently mutiny is in the DNA, like eye color or a tendency toward irritable bowels. On — John Scalzi

I can describe to you the taste of government cheese. — John Scalzi

We're in the wrong universe for fair. — John Scalzi

This would require an e-book reader that is as easy to read as a traditional book, durable to abuse as much as we abuse paperbacks and cheap enough that when you lose it, you can buy another one — John Scalzi

Now What?" Kerensky said. "We wait," Dahl said. "For how long?" Kerensky said, " As long as dramatically appropriate," Dahl said. — John Scalzi

But I have always found that there's an inverse relationship between the number of people in a room and the amount of useful work that can be done. — John Scalzi

Yes, Hart, I went commando to a diplomatic function," Harry said, and then motioned to his body. "And now, as you can see, I'm going Spartan so a midget can whack me with a stick." He bent and picked up his Bongka. "Honestly, Hart. Help me out here. Focus a little. — John Scalzi

And of course, just like in the movies, as soon as you mention that life is good, that means something needs to come by and sqaut one out on your life. — John Scalzi

Well, I miss my wife, you know," I said. "But I also miss the feeling of, I don't know, comfort. The sense you're where you're supposed to be, with someone you're supposed to be with. — John Scalzi

But imagine you're a tapeworm, and then suddenly you're Goethe. It's like that. — John Scalzi

words themselves are action; they do not simply describe the world but in a very real sense make the world. Therefore it makes sense to pay attention to the worlds people are attempting to create in their words. — John Scalzi

Is it painful?" the groundskeeper asked. "I am asking for science. — John Scalzi

The more I want a book to be done, the faster I type because I just want to get it out. — John Scalzi

I am also aware that ideals are hard to practice, especially when they are new. — John Scalzi

We have a problem," he said. "Is this another 'I think we have a potential energy flow' kind of problem?" Coloma asked. "No, this is a 'Holy shit, we're all definitely going to die a horrible death in the cold endless dark of space' kind of problem," Basquez said. "We'll be right down," Coloma said. — John Scalzi

To everyone who thinks writing a sequel should be easy because you've already clreated the universe: Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha! Heh. No. — John Scalzi

It's time to get you into your crawl space, if you want to be at the negotiations tomorrow without a hangover." He stood up and offered his hand to Lowen.
She took it, wobbling only slightly. "Whoa," she said. "Someone did something to the artificial gravity."
"Yes, Wilson said. "That's it exactly. — John Scalzi

There's a difference between the fact that the universe is inherently unfair on a cosmic level, and the fact that life is unfair because people are actively making it so. — John Scalzi

Just accept you're drinking from the fire hose and open wide. — John Scalzi

I don't discount that in the end, everything I do, say, write and am will amount to a whole lot of not much; I just don't think it's a relevant metric. The relevant metric is: Have I constructed a life that gives me happiness, allows me to give happiness, and allows for this life to have meaning within its admittedly limited context? If I am succeeding in this particular metric, I think I'm doing pretty well. — John Scalzi

For all we know, this" - he scrolled up on the phone screen to find a label - "this Wikipedia information database here is compiled by complete idiots. — John Scalzi

Look," he said. "We'd like you to return the salary." "Oh, is that all?" I said. "Heck. That's easy. The answer is no." "What?" "No." "No?" "What part of that two-letter word don't you understand, Brad?" I asked. "Was it the vowel that threw you, or the consonant ? — John Scalzi

There's a saying: "May you live in interesting times." To begin, it's a curse. "Interesting" in this case uniformly means "Oh god, death is raining down upon us and we shall all perish wailing and possibly on fire. — John Scalzi

I was getting away with something in my own way. But then I get here and saw you, brain-dead and with tubes coming out of every part of your body. And I realized I wasn't getting away with anything. Just like you didn't get away with anything. You were just born, fucked around for a while, got hit by a car and died, and that's your whole life story right there. You don't win by getting through all you life not having done anything. — John Scalzi

Q'eeng had just attempted in the third dialect the traditional rightward schism greeting of "I offer you the bread of life," but his phrasing and accent had transmuted the statement into "Let us violate cakes together. — John Scalzi

1. Everyone is entitled to their opinion about the things they read (or watch, or listen to, or taste, or whatever). They're also entitled to express them online.
2. Sometimes those opinions will be ones you don't like.
3. Sometimes those opinions won't be very nice.
4. The people expressing those may be (but are not always) assholes.
5. However, if your solution to this "problem" is to vex, annoy, threaten or harrass them, you are almost certainly a bigger asshole.
6. You may also be twelve.
7. You are not responsible for anyone else's actions or karma, but you are responsible for your own.
8. So leave them alone and go about your own life."
[Bad Reviews: I Can Handle Them, and So Should You (Blog post, July 17, 2012)] — John Scalzi

The supply transport's on autopilot most of the way down anyway. I'm just on board so that if it crashes, they can say someone died. — John Scalzi

Reddit is not a public utility or a public square; it's a privately owned space on the Internet. — John Scalzi

Engrave this in your brain: EVERY WRITER GETS REJECTED. You will be no different. — John Scalzi