Joan Rivers Quotes & Sayings

Remember a few years ago when they left Bea Arthur out of the death reel at the Oscars? Bea Arthur! How did they leave Bea Arthur out? She was in Mame; she was in All in the Family; she was in Maude; she was a Golden Girl, for God's sake! Bea was not only one of Hollywood's leading ladies, she was one of Hollywood's leading men! — Joan Rivers

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly — Joan Rivers

[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four. — Joan Rivers

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway. — Joan Rivers

You're going to get what I think is the truth, and it's going to be raw. — Joan Rivers

I'm sure some of you are wondering whether my breasts are real. Let me just explain to you. This one is, this one isn't. — Joan Rivers

Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce. — Joan Rivers

Keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target. — Joan Rivers

When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby. — Joan Rivers

I had a blind date with a dentist - and he told me to come back in six months. — Joan Rivers

You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you. — Joan Rivers

Having a baby is definitely a labor of love. — Joan Rivers

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us. — Joan Rivers

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her. — Joan Rivers

I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong. — Joan Rivers

I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them. — Joan Rivers

Mel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even. — Joan Rivers

That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around. — Joan Rivers

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. — Joan Rivers

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. — Joan Rivers

Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!! — Joan Rivers

All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always loved fashion and I love that we can do it and not take it seriously. — Joan Rivers

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash. — Joan Rivers

Run scared ... and they never catch you. — Joan Rivers

Never admit that your back goes out more than you do — Joan Rivers

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. — Joan Rivers

Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts. — Joan Rivers

I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage ... Oh, God! — Joan Rivers

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck. — Joan Rivers

If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot. — Joan Rivers

I hate Arizona. It always eight hundred degrees outside and everybody's always saying, "But it's a dry heat!" So's the inside of my microwave. — Joan Rivers

And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window. — Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he would put diamonds on the floor — Joan Rivers

When I am on E! for the 'Fashion Police,' I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends. — Joan Rivers

Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me. — Joan Rivers

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know. — Joan Rivers

I was born in 1962 and the room next to me was 1963. — Joan Rivers

I could stop and live carefully but that's ridiculous. I don't want to live carefully. — Joan Rivers

Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do. — Joan Rivers

I love Katy Perry! She's very charming. — Joan Rivers

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy. — Joan Rivers

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done. — Joan Rivers

She's so fat, she's my two best friends. — Joan Rivers

Omaha is a little like Newark, without Newark's glamour. — Joan Rivers

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. — Joan Rivers

Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies! — Joan Rivers

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom. — Joan Rivers

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make
it through one door, I'll go through another door
or I'll
make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark
the present. — Joan Rivers

I've learned you don't always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing. — Joan Rivers

I've always been salaried; I've never owned anything. I've done very well, lived very well. — Joan Rivers

My cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception. — Joan Rivers

The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan. — Joan Rivers

Everyone takes fashion so seriously! It's fashion - enjoy it! — Joan Rivers

I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool. — Joan Rivers

When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off. — Joan Rivers

At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass! — Joan Rivers

Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all. — Joan Rivers

Never floss a stranger. — Joan Rivers

Don't talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning, I have to be careful not to step on my breasts. — Joan Rivers

Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be. — Joan Rivers

I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs. — Joan Rivers

I am furious about everything. — Joan Rivers

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog. — Joan Rivers

I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math - if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left? — Joan Rivers

I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous. — Joan Rivers

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage. — Joan Rivers

I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them. — Joan Rivers

Looking 50 is great, if you're 60. — Joan Rivers

Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age. — Joan Rivers

The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life. — Joan Rivers

Why women don't blink during foreplay ... not enough time. — Joan Rivers

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth. — Joan Rivers

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now ... once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time. — Joan Rivers

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout. — Joan Rivers

I find that kind of "look at me" narcissism terribly inconsiderate. If you need attention that badly, set yourself on fire. — Joan Rivers

Moving on is a gift you give yourself. — Joan Rivers

Don't worry about the money. Love the process. — Joan Rivers

After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body. — Joan Rivers

Look, I could go on and on and on telling you why I hate myself, but it's so self-centered ... and I'm not like that. I'm a giver. So I'd rather branch out and start giving it to everyone else. — Joan Rivers

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees. — Joan Rivers

I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: You're not my wife! Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: What would he tip? Another guy said: I want you to meet my family, and took me to the cemetery. — Joan Rivers

A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of them. — Joan Rivers

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. — Joan Rivers

God always comes up with a third act twist
and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy. — Joan Rivers

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented. — Joan Rivers

Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco. — Joan Rivers

I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body. — Joan Rivers

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller. — Joan Rivers

"I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that. She tried to tell him: "That was a joke!" But he just didn't get it. Mick Jagger said, "F- 'em if they don't get the joke." And I love him. That comes with age: Knowing it's their problem, not mine." — Joan Rivers

I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters. — Joan Rivers

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it! — Joan Rivers

We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak. — Joan Rivers

Never floss with a stranger. — Joan Rivers

Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones. — Joan Rivers

I just love acting. — Joan Rivers

To maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner. — Joan Rivers

My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays. — Joan Rivers

Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because
she couldn't remember the lines. — Joan Rivers

Every television show you go on is a choice. — Joan Rivers

The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark. — Joan Rivers