Jim Gaffigan Quotes & Sayings

So why a book? Well, since you've come into my life, you've been a constant source of entertainment while simultaneously driving me insane. I felt I had to write down my observations about you in a book. And also for money, so you could eat and continue to break things. — Jim Gaffigan

I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing cynicism among all Hoosiers. — Jim Gaffigan

I do just want to do jokes. I don't want to be a divisive figure. — Jim Gaffigan

If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house? — Jim Gaffigan

I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells. — Jim Gaffigan

I don't want to pick a team. I want to make people laugh and hopefully bring some - be humorous about the human experience, you know, whether they're people of any stripes of life. — Jim Gaffigan

The whole idea of celebrity is flattering - it helps you get into restaurants and stuff - but once you obtain some creative fulfillment, which you do on a nightly basis as a comedian, it's hard to give that up just to be the wacky neighbor on a show. — Jim Gaffigan

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out." — Jim Gaffigan

I've been doing theaters like the Warner for about a year and we've found the earlier you get the tickets on sale the better idea you get on how many shows we will be doing. — Jim Gaffigan

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you. — Jim Gaffigan

a Shakespearean play with a hip-hop score — Jim Gaffigan

New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo ... Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds. That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign." — Jim Gaffigan

I think I have a lot of voices in my head and I guess my inner critic is a female. — Jim Gaffigan

After a couple of kids, there might be one good friend left. And that friend is never available because she has too many kids herself. I'm amazed mothers have anyone to talk to. When a man finds out he's going to be a father, it barely covers more than twenty seconds of a conversation with his male friends. I heard you two are expecting! Congratu ... Who do you think is the best quarterback in the fourth quarter? — Jim Gaffigan

You know, I want to teach, but I don't want to read? — Jim Gaffigan

The nerds are rich and successful, and those jocks are dumb divorced guys with beer bellies. By the way, in high school, I also played football and, yes, I have a beer belly. Jeannie can't divorce me. We are Catholic. Thank you, Jesus. — Jim Gaffigan

Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community. — Jim Gaffigan

Even when you hear about a comedian getting married, among comedians, we're always kind of like, what are they doing? — Jim Gaffigan

When people in other parts of the world hear the term "food fast," they envision a time of spiritual and physical cleansing. I hear "food fast" and I envision a drive-thru. — Jim Gaffigan

In the end, that's what most vacations are. Just you eating in a place you've never been. Why don't we eat something, then we'll go get something to eat? Then we should see that thing we're supposed to see; they probably have a snack bar, so we can get something to eat. But after that, we definitely gotta go out and get something to eat. — Jim Gaffigan

There's a certain balance between finding an opportunity to do what you really enjoy and getting caught up in the flattery of people wanting you to do things. — Jim Gaffigan

I'm definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer - everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we're just like, oh no. — Jim Gaffigan

Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though. — Jim Gaffigan

French fries are like Crocs. You know you shouldn't, but your life is pretty much over anyway. — Jim Gaffigan

I didn't realize how much of a Hoosier or a Midwesterner I was until I moved to New York. It's weird
growing up in Indiana, I wanted to get out, and now I completely romanticize Indiana. It just seems like there's a greater focus on family back there, which I suppose is something that kind of stayed with me. — Jim Gaffigan

Getting married and becoming the father of young children has taught me that I am a narcissist. The good news is that I am a really great, really important, and really special narcissist. — Jim Gaffigan

I was born with a heart that was two sizes too small, but when I saw my baby, it was like the Grinch discovering the true meaning of Christmas. — Jim Gaffigan

I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia. — Jim Gaffigan

Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great ... And we'd love some shelves over there. — Jim Gaffigan

Nursery schools and bars at 2 a.m. are the only places where it is completely normal if someone just spontaneously throws up on the floor ... and just like a toddler, the bar patron wakes up the next day not remembering or caring how they behaved. — Jim Gaffigan

Most of my material is , it doesn't necessarily involve a lot of editing. So even the show with the World Meeting of Families in Philadelphia, I don't have to worry about some of the material being inappropriate. — Jim Gaffigan

That time period is clearly a season of holidays. A holiday season. No matter what faith you belong to or what tradition you follow, everyone is partying. You're shopping, you're cooking, you're getting together with family, you're eating food that's bad for you, you're eating more food that's bad for you, and of course you're eating food that's bad for you. — Jim Gaffigan

The pig is converting a tasteless piece of fruit, essentially garbage, into one of the most delicious foods known to man. The pig has to be one of the most successful recycling programs ever. When you think about it, that is more impressive than anything Steve Jobs did. — Jim Gaffigan

The whole idea of comedy, there is nothing normal about going up on stage to make strangers laugh. But I'm also not an exhibitionist like other comics. I'm not up there talking about masturbating. — Jim Gaffigan

I would make sweet love to Don Rickles. — Jim Gaffigan

There was a time when I was thin. Sure, I was six years old, but I'm confident I can get back into those clothes. Actually, — Jim Gaffigan

Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor." — Jim Gaffigan

You ever mix two different groups of friends? That can be stressful. You always feel like you have to prep 'em. You're like, "These people over here, uh, they don't think I drink. And don't be thrown by my British accent." — Jim Gaffigan

The irony of the babysitting situation is that you need someone to watch your kids while you go out to earn the money to pay someone to take care of your kids. Your ultimate goal by earning the money is to be able to spend quality time with your kids, which is what you are paying your babysitter to do. — Jim Gaffigan

Without Valentine's Day, February would be ... well, January. — Jim Gaffigan

They never want to go to bed. This is another thing that I will never have in common with my children. Every morning when I wake up, my first thought is, When can I come back here? — Jim Gaffigan

I've always wanted to be an actor. I've never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they've always been separate desires. — Jim Gaffigan

Eating fries without salt feels like a sacrifice. "What am I, a pioneer? — Jim Gaffigan

I am sure everyone reading this book values their sleep, but I am a sleep enthusiast! My dream is to become one of those grandpas in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory who just lives in bed. That looked awesome. — Jim Gaffigan

The real question is should we trust people who don't like cheese? — Jim Gaffigan

I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover. — Jim Gaffigan

Fortune cookies are an American invention, and we gave it to them. The Chinese were probably like, "Uh, we don't want it." And we were like, "It's now part of your ethnic identity. — Jim Gaffigan

Playing frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to chasing after a frisbee. — Jim Gaffigan

Culturally we cherish a pregnant woman ... We say "Congratulations" when we see a pregnant woman, but there is usually an element of scandal associated with it. Pregnant women are either too young or too old, or it's too soon after another pregnancy, or she's going to get in trouble at work. She's too poor, too rich, too successful, too skinny, too fat, too crazy, too busy too single, too married, too too. — Jim Gaffigan

I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up..it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme! — Jim Gaffigan

I wouldn't say that comedy brought me away from it.I think that my idea of faith was another obligation in my life. — Jim Gaffigan

I would say I'm - in the show, I'm a cultural Catholic, which is what I was. — Jim Gaffigan

Once your baby starts to walk you'll realize why cribs are designed like prisons from the early 1900s. This is clearly because toddlers are a danger to themselves. The main responsibility for a parent of a toddler is to stop them from accidentally hurting or killing themselves. — Jim Gaffigan

I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" You know it's just some stubborn scientist. "Yeah, that one there's the male seahorse." And his assistant's like, "Uh, Bill, that one's having a baby." ... "The male has the baby. You're fired." — Jim Gaffigan

The idea of being a practicing Catholic, it's - for me, it's like - I need a lot of practice, you know what I mean? — Jim Gaffigan

I just want to be known as funny. — Jim Gaffigan

I always seem to be chosen to do very flattering things like the beard comb over or go to the bathroom with the door open on Sex and the City or be the guy people meow at in Super Troopers. It's great for self esteem. — Jim Gaffigan

Whoever came up with the term "terrible twos" must have felt very foolish after their kid turned three. — Jim Gaffigan

I am somebody who - my path to my faith is very kind of individual, and I don't want to be lumped into the category of those Westboro Baptists. — Jim Gaffigan

The only thing weaker than a toddler's handshake is their immune system. — Jim Gaffigan

The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in? — Jim Gaffigan

I like bowling. It's just one of those things where I can do so many jokes about it because I do know bowling. Somebody once said, "The whitest things in the world are Jim Gaffigan and bowling." — Jim Gaffigan

I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section. — Jim Gaffigan

You ever talk to an old person? I mean a really, really old person. They always have this exhausted look on their face that says, I can't believe I'm still here! I would've eaten so much more ice cream. Why did I ever consume kale? — Jim Gaffigan

My wife and I, we work together. And we wrote this book, "Dad Is Fat." And in the book, I was encouraged constantly by my editor to be more personal and talk about more personal experiences. — Jim Gaffigan

I treat my body like a temple. A temple of doom, but a temple nonetheless. — Jim Gaffigan

Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape. — Jim Gaffigan

I like it when my five-year-old asks me if a woman in a burka on the subway is a ninja. — Jim Gaffigan

Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. — Jim Gaffigan

Even in the '70s and '80s, the television show Happy Days was aware of the irony of "cool." The cool character on Happy Days was "the Fonz," and he was ridiculous. His office was in a men's bathroom. That's not only not cool, that's not even sanitary. — Jim Gaffigan

I realize I look very hip hop but I'm really more emo with a definite Brazilian flavor. — Jim Gaffigan

It's kind of hard to articulate, but, like, this notion of mercy, forgiveness, was very appealing for me. It was very profound. And it had a deep impact, and I think it still does. — Jim Gaffigan

I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want. — Jim Gaffigan

I feel guilty when I feed them unhealthy food they like. I feel guilty when I feed them healthy food they don't like. I feel guilty when I drop them off at school. I feel guilty when I pick them up at school. I feel guilty mostly for writing this book instead of spending time with them. — Jim Gaffigan

A three-year-old with insomnia is very similar to a heroin addict going through withdrawal. There is nothing that calms them. They can't focus. You can't tell them enough stories. They don't understand why they are still awake four hours past their bedtime. This is commonly understood by all parents of three-year-olds and has inspired great works of literature, such as Go the F-ck to Sleep. — Jim Gaffigan

Also, toddler judgment is horrible. They don't have any. Put a twelve-month-old on a bed, and they will immediately try and crawl off headfirst like a lemming on a mindless migration mission. But the toddler mission is never mindless. They have two goals: find poison and find something to destroy. — Jim Gaffigan

During December we are all ingesting, imbibing, and spending with a reckless abandon like a bachelor party on a guilt-free boondoggle. Everyone has the unspoken agreement that what happens in December stays in December. — Jim Gaffigan

What's amazing about doing movies, compared to television, there's an ending you can see. There's an enthusiasm to it. — Jim Gaffigan

There is cheese from just about every country in the world except China. No cheese from China? Maybe tofu is Chinese cheese. No wonder there was a cultural revolution. — Jim Gaffigan

How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are. — Jim Gaffigan

I don't want you to think I don't love my extended family. I do. I just don't want to be around them. Some of this is because I'm a loner. Some of this is because at family gatherings you are forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a clinically insane person. — Jim Gaffigan

It's so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass. — Jim Gaffigan

That's when you realize you not only have no idea what you are doing, you also have no principles. You have become the "God help us if something happens to the President" Vice President. — Jim Gaffigan

I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield. — Jim Gaffigan

Pizza makes you a hero in the eyes of your kids. "Daddy got pizza!" You are higher status walking in the door with a pizza than if you were returning from a war with a Purple Heart. — Jim Gaffigan

I was still rooting for Notre Dame.It's like there's the cultural Catholic experience. — Jim Gaffigan

I'm not antidoctor. I think there is way too much pressure on doctors these days to be God-like saviors, and as a result there is much arrogance in the medical community. Doctors always have the attitude of "Look, we are scientists - we've figured out the human body. Trust us." Yet whenever I go for a checkup, they are always like, "It's either a freckle, or we have to amputate your head. That will be five thousand dollars." I think most people's apprehension about home birth is the absence of the doctor. I mean, could you imagine if there was no doctor at Jesus's birth? That could have changed the course of history. — Jim Gaffigan

Personally, I think that the concept of an old white guy with a beard in a red coat coming down a chimney in the middle of the night or a fairy with a tooth fetish sliding things under my pillow while I sleep would be way freakier, but no, for kids it's monsters. Monsters — Jim Gaffigan

Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent. — Jim Gaffigan

When I was single, I was convinced my friends who took the plunge and had their first baby were victims of an alien abduction, because they would disappear from the planet and reappear a year later as unrecognizable strangers. — Jim Gaffigan

When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight. — Jim Gaffigan

I curse in everyday life, but usually when I stub my toe. The topics I'm discussing, it's not necessary to curse. I found [cursing] is a sign that a joke is not finished or well-written. — Jim Gaffigan

You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie. — Jim Gaffigan

I was the youngest of the six kids, and to make my older siblings laugh, that was very important. I did a great impression of our dad that made them all laugh, so that gave me a lot of power within the family. — Jim Gaffigan

Kale is a superfood and it's special power is tasting bad. — Jim Gaffigan

As an actor, you deal with so much rejection and humiliation. When the good things come around, you tend not to trust your instincts. — Jim Gaffigan

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John. — Jim Gaffigan

I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana ... Mafia. But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.' — Jim Gaffigan

I worked on 'USA Today' as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs that look like hands. I really tried. But some topics are not truly universal. — Jim Gaffigan

Them. Many times people will describe places as not being "kid-friendly." That's enough for me. Whenever I hear that a restaurant is "not kid-friendly," I always think, "That place must be awesome! Let's get a sitter. — Jim Gaffigan