Jerry Seinfeld Quotes & Sayings

Kids don't say, "Wait." They say, "Wait up, hey wait up!" Because when you're little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. "Hold up. Shut up! Mum, I'll clean up. Let me stay up!" Parents, of course, are just the opposite. Everything is down. "Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here! Sit down. Put ... that ... down." — Jerry Seinfeld

If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years. — Jerry Seinfeld

A lot of advertising has gotten worse. I think it's kind of lost its nerve, to be honest with you. I feel like the advertising of the '60s, they were nervier. You know why? Because there was less at stake. — Jerry Seinfeld

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry. — Jerry Seinfeld

I've been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It's just something I'm very aware of. — Jerry Seinfeld

I think vacations are mostly completely stupid. Going to have coffee with a friend, you're probably going to have more fun than if you go to Aruba. — Jerry Seinfeld

Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world. Wherever women are, we have men looking into it. — Jerry Seinfeld

[I like to] engage with funny people, or weird people, or, you know, kind of off people. [Whereas when I meet] anybody who's ... normal ... I'm not curious, I'm not interested. — Jerry Seinfeld

There's different kinds of laughs. It's like a baseball lineup: this guy's your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we're gonna win. — Jerry Seinfeld

My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time. — Jerry Seinfeld

Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That's when you know the most, you've seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy. — Jerry Seinfeld

There is no more embarrassing thing in my life that the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, I would like to order the Ginsu Knife. — Jerry Seinfeld

The funniest part of that joke is, 'say what you will about Hitler'.
-to Ricky Gervais on Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee — Jerry Seinfeld

A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help. — Jerry Seinfeld

When you've been in the business 5-years, as a person, it's like you're 5-years old - like a child. 10-years and you're 10-years old, 20 ... Etcetera. That's how I measure maturity in this industry. — Jerry Seinfeld

The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you're playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you're single, you're just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes. — Jerry Seinfeld

You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish. — Jerry Seinfeld

Men want to make women happy. — Jerry Seinfeld

The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets ... he dealt with it all. He had to. He was Superman. — Jerry Seinfeld

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it. — Jerry Seinfeld

There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be that we needed to invent the helmet. What was happening, apparently, was that we were involved in a lot of activities that were cracking our heads. We chose not to avoid doing those activities but, instead, to come up with some sort of device to help us enjoy our head-cracking lifestyles. — Jerry Seinfeld

You know how your charger for your phone? It's like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind — Jerry Seinfeld

This is one of my big things of creative pursuits. You have your idea you want to do, but then you got to figure out what does this thing want to be? You got to let it lead you a little. — Jerry Seinfeld

I've compiled a book from the Internet. It's a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people. — Jerry Seinfeld

I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals. — Jerry Seinfeld

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat. — Jerry Seinfeld

Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy ... Get off here, now!" But the man is focusing on the sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks, "I can make it." — Jerry Seinfeld

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. — Jerry Seinfeld

People don't think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home. — Jerry Seinfeld

Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren't for lies, there'd be no sex. — Jerry Seinfeld

My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what's surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don't know how she learned this. — Jerry Seinfeld

Fatherhood makes you cute. Women find bumbling fathers cute and attractive. — Jerry Seinfeld

Some of the events in the Olympics don't make sense to me. I don't understand the connection to any reality ... Like in the Winter Olympics they have that biathlon that combines cross-country skiing with shooting a gun. How many alpine snipers are into this? Ski, shoot a gun ... ski, bang, bang, bang ... It's like combining swimming and strangling a guy. Why don't we have that? That makes absolutely as much sense to me. Just put people in the pool at the end of each lane for the swimmers. — Jerry Seinfeld

I love the day date. No wine, no shower. — Jerry Seinfeld

Having done quite a bit with studios and networks, I thought if I'm going to do something new and unformed, it would be fun to do it in a completely new space and place. The space being the Internet and the place being Crackle. — Jerry Seinfeld

Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid. — Jerry Seinfeld

These pretzels are making me thirsty! — Jerry Seinfeld

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving. — Jerry Seinfeld

I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it. — Jerry Seinfeld

I was the best man at the wedding ... If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him? — Jerry Seinfeld

The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There's nothing above that. Nothing above it. — Jerry Seinfeld

See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them. — Jerry Seinfeld

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly." — Jerry Seinfeld

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there. — Jerry Seinfeld

I kind of thought that stand-up comedy would suffer from the Internet because people seem to know more about the craft of stand-up than ever before. I thought it would seem trite. Kind of like if you know more about magicians, you wouldn't love them. — Jerry Seinfeld

Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. — Jerry Seinfeld

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? — Jerry Seinfeld

Maybe if we lie down our brains will work. — Jerry Seinfeld

I'll tell you one of the great activities is skateboarding. To learn to do a skateboard trick, how many times do you gotta get something wrong til you get it right? ... And you hurt yourself, and you learn to do that trick, now you got a life lesson. Every time I see those skateboard kids, I think 'those kids'll be alright.' — Jerry Seinfeld

I love meeting Israeli people. They look at me like a son — Jerry Seinfeld

The blessing in life is when you find the torture you are comfortable with. That's marriage, it's kids, it's work, it's exercise. Find the torture you're comfortable with and you'll do well. You've mastered that, you've mastered life. — Jerry Seinfeld

Let's face it, the human body is like a condominium apartment. The thing that keeps you really enjoying it is the maintenance. There's a tremendous amount of daily, weekly, monthly and yearly work that has to be done. From showering to open heart surgery, we're always doing something to ourselves. If your body was a used car, you wouldn't buy it. — Jerry Seinfeld

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking. — Jerry Seinfeld

Sex, that's meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that's heavy. That's like an hour. — Jerry Seinfeld

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. — Jerry Seinfeld

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. — Jerry Seinfeld

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!" — Jerry Seinfeld

After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that. — Jerry Seinfeld

What causes homophobia? What is it that makes the heterosexual man worry about this? I think it's because deep down all men know that we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, 'Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store thinking it's a shoe store and the salesmen says, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around a little bit, see how it feels. No obligation, no pressure, just try it.' — Jerry Seinfeld

I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication ... Not easy. There's an entire wall of products you need. You stand there going,"Well, this one is quick acting but this is long lasting ... Which is more important, the present or the future?" — Jerry Seinfeld

Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it. — Jerry Seinfeld

You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day — Jerry Seinfeld

Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames. — Jerry Seinfeld

I do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I'm doing new stuff all the time. — Jerry Seinfeld

If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem. — Jerry Seinfeld

Any day you had gym class was a weird school day. It started off normal. You had English, Social Studies, Geometry, then suddenly your in Lord of the Flies for 40 minutes. Your hanging from a rope, you have hardly any clothes on, teachers are yelling at you, kids are throwing dodge balls at you and snapping towels - you're trying to survive. And then it's Science,Language, and History. Now that is a weird day. — Jerry Seinfeld

In my world, the wronger something feels, the righter it is, — Jerry Seinfeld

Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily? — Jerry Seinfeld

You can be passionate about anything. — Jerry Seinfeld

Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964. — Jerry Seinfeld

When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy. — Jerry Seinfeld

It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything. — Jerry Seinfeld

Folks who go through the tabloids ought to have to be lied to. — Jerry Seinfeld

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us. — Jerry Seinfeld

I love Amazon 1-Click ordering. Because if it takes two clicks, I don't even want it anymore. — Jerry Seinfeld

I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!! — Jerry Seinfeld

That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity. — Jerry Seinfeld

If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life. — Jerry Seinfeld

Ask not what I can do for you. Ask what you can do for me — Jerry Seinfeld

Dogs want to be people. That's what their lives are about. They don't like being a dog. They're with people all the time, they want to graduate. My dog would sit there all day, he would watch me walk by, he would think to himself, I could do that! He's not that good. — Jerry Seinfeld

What's the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing? — Jerry Seinfeld

I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist. — Jerry Seinfeld

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach? — Jerry Seinfeld

The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning. — Jerry Seinfeld

There is no such thing as love for the whole family. — Jerry Seinfeld

Being funny is one of the ultimate weapons a person can have in human society. — Jerry Seinfeld

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. — Jerry Seinfeld

I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do. It is not something I plan to make a habit. — Jerry Seinfeld

Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination. — Jerry Seinfeld

I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME! — Jerry Seinfeld

I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything. — Jerry Seinfeld

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off, I've got the toe clippers right here. — Jerry Seinfeld

Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it. — Jerry Seinfeld

People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax. — Jerry Seinfeld

What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big. That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later. — Jerry Seinfeld

I don't want to be too critical of what other people do, but when people go back to do the same thing that they did, I'm completely confused. I'm like, 'Didn't you make that movie already?' I've been very fortunate, and I'm well taken care of, so the least I can do is try to go forward. — Jerry Seinfeld

I hate the waiting room. Because it's called the waiting room, there's no chance of not waiting. It's built, designed, and intended for waiting. Why would they take you right away when they've got this room all set up? — Jerry Seinfeld

I'm old, I'm rich and I'm tired. — Jerry Seinfeld

We know the product is going to stink. We know that because we live in the world, and we know that everything stinks. We all believe, Hey, maybe this one wont stink. We are a hopeful species. Stupid but hopeful. But were happy in that moment between the commercial and the purchase. And I think spending your life trying to dupe innocent people out of hard-won earnings to buy useless, low-quality, misrepresented items and services is an excellent use of your energy. — Jerry Seinfeld

We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment. — Jerry Seinfeld