Jen Kirkman Quotes & Sayings

It's a weird thing society puts on us women. They tell us we can have careers (well, after they told us we could vote-they sort of said it would be ok if we wanted to have a career, as long as we agree to get paid less than a man for the same job), and then they tell us that we aren't real women if we have careers but no babies, and if we dare pick a career over a baby...we better at least talk about that career like its a baby in order to blend in and not call attention to the fact that we're selfish women who are not carrying on the human race. — Jen Kirkman

I don't have any jokes about my divorce or my ex-husband, who is a lovely person. It really is about how I was an idiot trying to push this guy to get married when I wasn't even sure if I wanted to. — Jen Kirkman

And perhaps the best reason of all: "Kids? What the fuck am I going to do with a kid? — Jen Kirkman

I'm tired of explaining to Hollywood that people would laugh at me, because I go around America making them laugh every week. Nobody would be offended, nobody would think my leather pants are too controversial. — Jen Kirkman

I wonder if that's the difference between fathers and mothers. I'm friends with people who have kids that are like 5 and under, and they're still in that intense mother-bonding phase. It might just be that. Because the dads haven't changed. — Jen Kirkman

I have a stand-up routine I do about masturbation and the unwanted thoughts that go through women's heads when they put their hands under their sheets. I need a story to think about. I need a fantasy that makes sense. I can't just finger myself and picture Johnny Depp's face. It needs a sense of realism, like how did I meet Johnny Depp? He lives in France. I don't have a work visa. Besides, he has children and I've made it quite clear that I don't want to be a mom and I don't want to be stepmom either. — Jen Kirkman

My nana was always a widow as long as I was alive; my grandfather died before I was born. All the women on my street - there were four houses in a row with all old women who lived alone who were widowed. They all had kids, but they were all widowed. My mom didn't put me in preschool; I didn't know that was a thing. I just hung out with these women all day. — Jen Kirkman

A lot of relationships have ended for me in my 20s, because I knew that eventually those people would wanna settle down and have kids. — Jen Kirkman

I don't like to joke about dating. — Jen Kirkman

What they call 'alt-comedy' now is basically what comedy was like in the '80s. People tried different things, and everybody went to the clubs; there was no other place. Then somehow, the clubs became infiltrated by Dice Clay and Carrot Top types. — Jen Kirkman

I am never home, and it's hard to keep up with things that are good for you to have in life like relationships, whether they be romantic or friendship. I have to work twice as hard to make sure I don't just check out. That's what I mean by vulnerability. — Jen Kirkman

I'm not a big fan of young people. — Jen Kirkman

Asking questions about why I don't want kids is really none of your business, but at least it's a dialogue. — Jen Kirkman

I used to make albums because I wasn't touring, and so I thought, This is the best way for people to find out about me. — Jen Kirkman

I have this idyllic love life, but my mind just won't accept that. I would like to bring a new guy home every night. I try to make humor out of that situation. — Jen Kirkman

We have to get women's stories out there so a guy will read it, laugh, and think, 'I'm not laughing at a chick story but a story.' — Jen Kirkman

Instead of saving for someone else's college education, I'm currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch. — Jen Kirkman

My brain does like the idea of hosting a late-night show. My brain does like the idea of maybe having a show about me. So, I often pitch ideas and work on scripts and do that just because I may not be right about how I feel, so why not just do this, and if it happens and I got my own show, well maybe I would really end up falling in love with it. — Jen Kirkman

It's not that I can't cook. I just don't enjoy cooking. It takes too long and you have to stand there monitoring everything, which doesn't work well for me and my ADHD. — Jen Kirkman

There are a lot of things I might be good at, such as competitive figure skating, window washing from ten stories up, and being an open heart surgeon. I might also make an excellent Kamikaze pilot - except for the fact that I don't want to learn how to fly and have no interest in taking my own life on behalf of Japan. — Jen Kirkman

I had no idea that marriage was only supposed to be between two people who wanted to get between the sheets and make more people. What ever happened to marrying for love - or to get on your partner's health insurance policy, or for presents? No one was going to buy two people in their thirties a four-slice toaster if we just continued to live in sin. — Jen Kirkman

The women doing comedy do not even think of themselves as 'female' comedians. — Jen Kirkman

If, for some reason, everyone knew who I was without me having to have my own TV show, that's what I would do. That way, I could do less shows a year. — Jen Kirkman

I think some parents think, 'Oh, having kids is so beautiful; I want others to feel the joy I do.' — Jen Kirkman

I think people with anxiety do different things during different years. — Jen Kirkman

The urge that most people feel to have kids is the exact same as the urge that I have to not have kids. I do not want to raise a child. — Jen Kirkman

Have you ever tried to talk to a baby or a toddler? They never look you square in the eyes, they know about three words, and God forbid they ever ask you how you're doing. It's all about them! — Jen Kirkman

Don't overpack your carry-on. You're never going to read that second book or that fourth magazine. — Jen Kirkman

Can we all admit that the sound of a kid squealing, even if it's with joy, sounds like squealing? I can angrily press the button on an air horn or I can press the button on an air horn with a sense of carefree fun and either way it sounds like an air horn. — Jen Kirkman

I'm really ambitious about is being a really good comic and doing it for the rest of my life and getting really big. Not really famous because I want fame or attention, just a little freedom. So, that's where I'm ambitious. — Jen Kirkman

At first, there was a separation of clubs and sketch comedy. Now there's all kinds of comedy, making us one big happy family. — Jen Kirkman

I love being on the road, but to make a living as a road comic, you have to be on it most weeks out of the year. That's just too much for me. But I would love to be such a successful road comic that I don't have to go on it every week. — Jen Kirkman

If I write a joke, sometimes people will call it a 'lie,' and I'm fascinated with that. — Jen Kirkman

I have memories of my grandfather Kirkman making mashed potatoes that were so good because they tasted like a bowl of butter. I love my mom's brownies. My favorite thing about both of those recipes is that someone else made them for me. — Jen Kirkman

I actually like, love, and respect myself, and I try not to take anything too seriously. — Jen Kirkman

I think that, for me, my favorite thing to do is perform standup onstage. Everything else I do is for the exposure to do more stand-up onstage, and for the money, and for the health insurance. — Jen Kirkman

As a woman of a certain age - and really, ever since I hit puberty and my baby-making parts were suddenly subject to public debate - I've been told over and over again that I will 'change my mind' about not wanting kids. — Jen Kirkman

What I found out about myself was I am not someone who doesn't believe in marriage. — Jen Kirkman

People think anything done from a woman's perspective is only going to appeal to women. — Jen Kirkman

like as long as you're cleaning up some living thing's poop after age thirty, family members really respect that lifestyle choice. — Jen Kirkman

Don't make being a girl or a victim part of your stand-up act. If you encounter sexism in the business, don't bring it on stage; it's not funny. — Jen Kirkman

Having a child is a lifetime commitment, the biggest one you can possibly make. — Jen Kirkman

I still have to work paycheck to paycheck. Being in show business doesn't indicate that you're a 'success,' in my opinion. — Jen Kirkman

Couples without kids have each other, their friends, families, and Siri to talk to. It's not like they're quarantining themselves in an underground bunker, never to take a romantic stroll on the beach or attend a Morrissey concert ever again. They're just using birth control. — Jen Kirkman

Not that that's my goal, but when you're very wealthy and very famous, you can have a lot more decisions in what you do. You have a lot more opportunity. You can maybe even not work for a few years. It puts you in a great position to make some decisions. You're not always taking every job that comes and that kind of thing. — Jen Kirkman

tantrum. I don't want to have a baby but sometimes I want to be a baby because it's socially acceptable for them to cry and scream in public. — Jen Kirkman

I have no interest in saying "This is who I am! This is what I'm like!" — Jen Kirkman

Admittedly, the masturbation story is just a "Hey, this is one of my best-of's, I'll throw it in the special." But the grandmother stuff, really, I feel like is part of the theme and part of the best way to end the story that I'm telling with the special. — Jen Kirkman

I finally understand that it's okay to be a little afraid of things but that obsessing over them does not mean you have any more control over what you fear. — Jen Kirkman

A lot of times that I'm single is not for a lack of anyone being interested; it's me. — Jen Kirkman

It's much easier to make jokes about not having kids. — Jen Kirkman

Actually, my friendships are changing because my friends have kids, so that's a new aspect to the material. Not just that I don't want to have kids, it's that I'm having a hard time relating to people I know. — Jen Kirkman

Improv requires one thing I lack that I think most mothers need - the basic instinct to put someone else first. — Jen Kirkman

Parenthood can be very rewarding, but let's face it, so are margaritas at the adults-only pool. — Jen Kirkman

I really will never understand pushing back on comedians who are like, "I'm like a politician campaigning and shaking hands with these people. They're going to be okay." — Jen Kirkman

By the time I started doing stand-up, the club scene had died. — Jen Kirkman

If I could make crazy money just doing stand-up, that's what I would do. — Jen Kirkman

I thought that's what happened to women: You live alone when you're old. — Jen Kirkman

If you put any effort into anything you do and have a strong sense of self to the point where you don't even question your choices before you walk out of the house - you're a fucking weirdo. — Jen Kirkman

... I think that childfree by choice is the new gay. We're the new disenfranchised group. People think we're irresponsible, immoral sluts and that our lifestyle is up for debate. — Jen Kirkman

The whole notion that I don't appeal to the demographic - all my fans are young men. Someone asked me the other day, "So are your shows just full of 40-year-old single women?" I'm like, "I would be rich if that were true." — Jen Kirkman

I realized that even I have weird intimacy issues with humans - like, I need my friendships to get deeper, I need to be locked in, I need to remember people's names. I know this sounds really stupid, but I just need to be more present in my life. — Jen Kirkman

Invalidating a woman's life choices by saying things like, "Oh, but you'll regret it if you don't have kids," or, "I didn't think I wanted kids either until I had one," is like me going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and telling the newly sober that eventually when they grow old, they'll want to take the edge off with a little gin and tonic and that if they could only just be mature enough to control themselves, they could go on a fun wine-tasting tour in the Napa Valley. — Jen Kirkman

Whatever my life looks like, I want it to be real and big and full. I want when, if I get hit by a car, I want to know that I have deep and real friendships, people to visit me in the hospital. — Jen Kirkman

I'm wildly different than Maria Bamford or Sarah Silverman, and might be more similar to some male comics. — Jen Kirkman

I don't want to have kids and so I am not going to have kids. People who want kids are going to have kids. I'm doing what I want to do and people who want kids are doing what they want to do. What about this scenario makes me selfish? — Jen Kirkman

I have some pretty wonderful friendships, so that's been really good for me. In the past year, I've really worked on that. I think when I was married, I let my friendships go. I think people thought, "Oh, because she's married now, she's so happy all the time." But I really was just isolated in my house. — Jen Kirkman

Eventually I'm going to be too old to be on camera, and I've been doing stand-up a long time. — Jen Kirkman

People said to me, "You know, when you record a special, you're going to regret it. The one thing you'll regret because you're a comic is you'll think of better tags." — Jen Kirkman

I want to travel the world and enjoy things, so if you gave me $50 million and said, 'You can never perform again,' I probably would take it and be fine with it. — Jen Kirkman

I'm very big into just feeling good and doing what I want; I'm not very calculated or thoughtful about my moves. — Jen Kirkman

I don't know if I don't believe in monogamy. I think I do believe in it depending on the person or situation or something. — Jen Kirkman

I realized I need a certain kind of chemistry and a certain kind of look to be into someone, and like 1 percent of the population has it. — Jen Kirkman

I find it actually the height of romance to legally bind yourself to someone because you're really taking care of someone, and letting them take care of you. I actually have no cynicism about that. — Jen Kirkman

My joke is a picture of David Bowie on his balcony in the '70s in a suit in Paris, and unless that's you, I'm not interested. There are very few aesthetic types that I have, and people who look like that are not always necessarily good for me. — Jen Kirkman

Do people think that saying the words "Isn't that" in front of "selfish" masks the fact that they just blatantly called me selfish to my face? It's like when people say, "No offense, but," before saying something offensive. Or when someone says, "I don't mean to be racist," and then tells you that they think Puerto Rican people smell like burnt hamburgers. — Jen Kirkman

Use your passport for domestic trips, so that way you don't risk losing your license. — Jen Kirkman

Childfree women are actually great assets to the planet. Our carbon footprint is smaller than a mom's! And we have enough money to write checks to organizations that help kids get vaccinations, vitamins, and educations yet have plenty of free time to advise your daughter that one day she will regret piercing her lip. — Jen Kirkman

I'd learned that you couldn't talk to kids about death or show them music videos of of men who sing in eyeliner. I possibly had turned one kid into an obsessive-compulsive with the urge to murder, and another kid gay. I'm not equating being a murderer with being gay, but from what I understand, either can be a difficult thing to admit to your family. — Jen Kirkman

Sitcoms are what got me excited about show business. — Jen Kirkman

I'd love to be a hit in Germany. I'm working on trying to get a gig as David Hasselhoff's opening act. — Jen Kirkman

Parents talk a lot about how much strength and dedication it takes to raise a child. I think it also takes a lot of strength and dedication to carve out a life that doesn't seem normal to anyone else. — Jen Kirkman

I am just really focused in on what I love doing, but I would be a moron to not take some of my natural talent - I'm not saying I'm that talented, but I have enough acting and writing talent to go. — Jen Kirkman

Its almost Thanksgiving! A day when you get to hear your extended family use racial slurs for groups are not taking away their jobs. — Jen Kirkman

I've always had a thing for guys who make a living doing something in public (with the exception of someone who hands out sandwich shop flyers or dresses up like Pluto at Disney World). — Jen Kirkman

I rarely have out-of-town visitors because you have to do things like take them around L.A. — Jen Kirkman

Sometimes I feel like if two parents were given $100, and a child-free person was given $100, everyone would assume that the parents would invest their money wisely because they're smart. And people like me would just go buy candy. — Jen Kirkman

You know who does a lot of good deeds and doesn't have kids and totally understands what's important in life? George Clooney. Unlike me, he doesn't give a fuck what you think about the fact that he's not "selfless" enough to father a kid. He's not writing a book defending his position. He's having sex with a cocktail waitress and then saving Darfur. Both are noble positions. — Jen Kirkman