Famous Quotes & Sayings

Greg Giraldo Quotes & Sayings

Enjoy the top 62 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Greg Giraldo.

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Greg Giraldo Quotes 1936454

It's hard to distinguish when I was actually struggling from when I only felt like I was struggling - which was pretty much always. — Greg Giraldo

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Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids. — Greg Giraldo

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You're gonna check my computer records? Is that important? I don't think the government needs to know how I feel about teen Asian sluts in order to fight terrorism. — Greg Giraldo

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It's all about self-esteem now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip-clubs? — Greg Giraldo

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We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it? — Greg Giraldo

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Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you're pretty much thinking you're home free. — Greg Giraldo

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A good joke provides tension, and then, release of that tension. You build the tension by saying things that are controversial. The release is the laugh. The bigger the surprise or insight in your joke, the bigger the laugh. — Greg Giraldo

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Terrorism is obviously on everybody's mind. The other day my son says to me, 'Daddy, how come the bad men hate us?' How sad is that? I actually got tears in my eyes - because he's 18. What kind of a moron am I raising? — Greg Giraldo

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The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet. — Greg Giraldo

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Some people say Larry the Cable Guy's only successful because he's pandering to the lowest common denominator, blatantly and not ironically exploiting people's racist and homophobic tendencies. Don't listen to these people, Larry. They're just bitter and jealous and right. — Greg Giraldo

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If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds. — Greg Giraldo

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If I drive my SUV I'm supporting terrorism. Okay, I'll take a taxi, Is that better? — Greg Giraldo

Greg Giraldo Quotes 1418488

On a day-to-day basis, you get tired of waiting to be accepted. In show business, someone else has to say that you're good or that you're worth going to see or worth taping a show. There's a lot of pain here. There's a lot of pain inside. I'm a sad, crying-on-the-inside kind of clown. — Greg Giraldo

Greg Giraldo Quotes 1252690

Once I saw a homeless man wearing his underwear on top of his pants. Now we say, why don't the homeless just go out and get a job? If he's wearing his underwear on top of his pants, I doubt his resume is in order, and I don't think he's going to make it too far in the interview process. In fact, I'm pretty sure that McDonald's has a no underwear over your pant policy. — Greg Giraldo

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In catholisism we have an entire religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story — Greg Giraldo

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There's been so much talk in the news lately about illegal aliens in the workplace. When was the last time an illegal alien stole your job? Oh yeah, that dream job of the Chinese Delivery man pedaling up Broadway delivering Chinese food for 40 cents an hour, or on the back of a landscaping truck with 15 others. — Greg Giraldo

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Gilbert Gottfried is famously cheap. I'm impressed you're here Gilbert. You gotta buy new clothes and take a week off work just to do this. But you showed up. You tightened your belt and you came. You're like David Carradine. — Greg Giraldo

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Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft? — Greg Giraldo

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Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket. — Greg Giraldo

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I think all gay guys should get married. I think they should have to get married. They should have to adopt kids because, actually, I'm getting tired of their happy-go-lucky lifestyle. I've had it with them being all happy and in shape. I could look good in denim short shorts and combat boots, too, if I had all day to do leg presses at the gym. — Greg Giraldo

Greg Giraldo Quotes 169581

You think they could stop putting these experts on the news with their doomsday scenarios of how the terrorists might attack us? Because you get the sense they're coming up with ideas that these people haven't thought of themselves. — Greg Giraldo

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The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that doesn't do it for me either. You just try to be funny. — Greg Giraldo

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"You're an old man who dresses like a Hooter's waitress." — Greg Giraldo

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When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases. — Greg Giraldo

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Everybody thought that Titanic was the most romantic movie ever. A story about two teenagers who knew each other for three days. Try to make that movie with a couple that's been together for a few years. 'Get in the goddamn boat, Rose!' 'I don't wanna get in the boat!' 'Get in, come on, I'm freezing my ass off out here! I wanted to go to Jamaica, but no, we had to go on a cruise in the middle of the winter!' 'You never draw me naked anymore' — Greg Giraldo

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You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can't have a favorite. Can't let them know know if you do. I don't. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way. — Greg Giraldo

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There hasn't been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank. — Greg Giraldo

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I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate. — Greg Giraldo

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If you spend five minutes with me or watch me try to balance my checkbook, you can only imagine the disaster I would make of anyone's legal issues. — Greg Giraldo

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Edible underwear? ... even during sex, we can't stop eating. — Greg Giraldo

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The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny. — Greg Giraldo

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Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA. You know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through. — Greg Giraldo

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When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford now I think about leaving a dish in the sink overnight. — Greg Giraldo

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People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop. — Greg Giraldo

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Jesse has opened for me extensively on the road so I've seen him do hundreds of sets. He is always super funny, has tons of material and the crowds love him. Bottom line, Jesse Joyce is a great comedian. — Greg Giraldo

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All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake's career. — Greg Giraldo

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There are no black people in Iraq, so how will they know who to shoot at? — Greg Giraldo

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Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I'm not going to investigate it if it doesn't effect me directly. — Greg Giraldo

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How many of you text message? It's a great way of not communicating. — Greg Giraldo

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Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET. — Greg Giraldo

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The reality is I'm not a 'get knocked down and come back harder' kind of guy. — Greg Giraldo

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If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there'd be a lot less cello music, for example. — Greg Giraldo

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Little did I know that earning a living at stand-up is the hardest thing you can do. But once I started doing it, I just loved it, and I realized that I was actually kinda good at it, and then that was it. — Greg Giraldo

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Ice-T is so old that the first thing he bought with the money from his album sales was his freedom. — Greg Giraldo

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Some people are just really goofy kind of guitar acts, and they go out and do these colleges and start making a fortune pretty early on. And other people - I know guys who are great comics, who've done the Letterman show many times, who still barely pay their bills. — Greg Giraldo

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My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon. — Greg Giraldo

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I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross. — Greg Giraldo

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The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell. — Greg Giraldo

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George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you? — Greg Giraldo

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You got a cop under five feet tall, what if he's gotta plant evidence on a high shelf? What then? What if he's gotta chase a suspect onto a ride at Disneyland? — Greg Giraldo

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Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter. — Greg Giraldo

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People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out. — Greg Giraldo

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Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her? — Greg Giraldo

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Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago! — Greg Giraldo

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There are more whipped guys on television than there were on the Amistad. — Greg Giraldo

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Part of growing up is learning your strengths and weaknesses. What better way to figure out that hand-eye coordination ain't your thing than by getting drilled in the mouth by a red, rubber ball? You only gotta get beaned in the face so many times before you figure out, 'I better hit the books because this is not working out. — Greg Giraldo

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It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal. — Greg Giraldo

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Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea? — Greg Giraldo

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We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality. — Greg Giraldo

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The Japanese scientists just found a 25,000-year-old mammoth in the ice in Siberia, and they're about to clone it ... You think the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals after what happened with Godzilla. — Greg Giraldo

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The reality is I'm not this person with this driving 'get it done' attitude. — Greg Giraldo

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Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian. — Greg Giraldo