George Burns Quotes & Sayings

By [age] 93, I had shrunk quite a lot. My car was known as the Phantom Cadillac. People would see it whizzing by and they would swear there was no driver. — George Burns

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. — George Burns

I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries. — George Burns

I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned. — George Burns

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth. — George Burns

There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up. — George Burns

When they saw me walking down the street smoking a cigar, they'd say, 'Hey, that 14-year-old kid may be going places.' Of course it's also a good prop on the stage ... When you can't think of what you're supposed to say next, you can puff on your cigar until you think of your next line. — George Burns

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit. — George Burns

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill. — George Burns

There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men. — George Burns

Fall in love with what you're going to do for a living. To be able to get out of bed and do what you love to do for the rest of the day is beyond words. I'd rather be a failure in something I love than be successful in something I hate. — George Burns

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist. — George Burns

What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen. — George Burns

I'd rather be a failure in something that I love than a success in something that I hate. — George Burns

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago ... — George Burns

This is all so exciting I've decided to keep making one movie every 36 years. — George Burns

People are always asking me how much I'm worth. Well, all I can say is, I've got enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next 20 minutes. — George Burns

Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to. — George Burns

None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way. — George Burns

Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch! — George Burns

When I die I intend to take my music with me. I don't know what's out there, but I want to make sure it's in my key. — George Burns

Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left — George Burns

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age. — George Burns

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. — George Burns

At home we ate fish every Friday, as Catholics were then supposed to do. Being Jewish, I compromised. I wore a hat when I ate fish, out of respect for my own religion and the fish's family. — George Burns

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere. — George Burns

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. — George Burns

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody. — George Burns

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it. — George Burns

Life's but a day at most. — George Burns

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect. — George Burns

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something. — George Burns

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem. — George Burns

I'm onstage for an hour.I do an hour of stand-up. Actually, I do 10 minutes standing up and 50 minutes sitting in a chair. Oh, occasionally, I stand up again to do a dance or put over a song. But mostly I sit down. A great invention, sitting down. — George Burns

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. — George Burns

And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.' — George Burns

I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book. So relax, read it, and if you don't enjoy it, remember that you're saving money. — George Burns

Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it. — George Burns

Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles. — George Burns

From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train. — George Burns

Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been trying that for forty years. — George Burns

I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women. — George Burns

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up. — George Burns

I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini. — George Burns

When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame. — George Burns

If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl. — George Burns

Be quick to learn and wise to know. — George Burns

Joy is obtaining a big, loving, caring shut-knit household in yet another town. — George Burns

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. — George Burns

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink. — George Burns

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two. — George Burns

Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman ... or a bad woman. — George Burns

How can I die? I'm booked. — George Burns

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. — George Burns

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked. — George Burns

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle. — George Burns

Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do. — George Burns

I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down. — George Burns

I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school. — George Burns

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. — George Burns

As long as you're working, you stay young. — George Burns

I don't care what you do for a living. If you love it, you are a success. — George Burns

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it. — George Burns

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile. — George Burns

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life. — George Burns

The heart is a temple wherein all truth resides. — George Burns

When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did a good job we could become the front end. — George Burns

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. — George Burns

I'd rather be a flop at show business than to be a success at something I didn't like. — George Burns

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone. — George Burns

If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it. — George Burns

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch. — George Burns

I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands. — George Burns

Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age. — George Burns

Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was. — George Burns

If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer. — George Burns

At my age flowers scare me. — George Burns

A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night. — George Burns

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too. — George Burns

It's one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you've been, there's always a younger and sexier seal coming along. — George Burns

I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else ... I never lied better. — George Burns

My major contribution to the format was to suggest that I be able to step out of the plot and speak directly to the audience, and then be able to go right back into the action. That was an original idea of mine; I know it was because I originally stole it from Thornton Wilder's play Our Town. — George Burns

A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn't started yet. — George Burns

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it. — George Burns

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.' — George Burns

Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them. — George Burns

Say Goodnight Gracie. — George Burns

The happiest people I know are the ones that are still working. The saddest are the ones who are retired. Very few performers retire on their own. It's usually because no one wants them. Six years ago Sinatra announced his retirement. He's still working. — George Burns

There has been foolish talk about audiences having an average twelve-year-old mind: it just isn't true. They are older than anybody, and wiser. — George Burns

I'd rather be over the hill than under it. — George Burns

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. — George Burns

If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again. — George Burns

Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size. — George Burns

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke. — George Burns

People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price. — George Burns

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair. — George Burns

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast. — George Burns

Lots of people have asked me what Gracie and I did to make our marriage work. It's simple - we don't do anything. I think the trouble with a lot of people is that they work too hard at staying married. They make a business out of it. When you work too hard at a business you get tired; and when you get tired you get grouchy; and when you get grouchy you start fighting; and when you start fighting you're out of business. — George Burns

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. — George Burns

Young. Old. Just Words. — George Burns