Emmanuel Goldstein Quotes & Sayings

Dear 2600: Tell me how much one of your hackers would charge me to delete my criminal record from the Texas police database.
[NAME DELETED] Well, we would start with erasing your latest crime, that of soliciting a minor to commit another crime. (Your request was read by a small child here in the office.) After you're all paid up on that, we will send out the bill for hiding your identity by not printing your real name, which you sent us like the meathead you apparently are. After that's all sorted, we can assemble our team of hackers, who sit around the office waiting for such lucrative opportunities as this to come along, and figure out even more ways to shake you down. It's what we do, after all. Just ask Fox News. — Emmanuel Goldstein

Dear 2600: Please help me to learn how to become an elite one day.
The first thing to learn is never to use the word elite as a noun. In fact, don't even use it as an adjective. It's radically lame. — Emmanuel Goldstein

Most hackers are young because young people tend to be adaptable. As long as you remain adaptable, you can always be a good hacker. — Emmanuel Goldstein

Be very careful. We suggest getting a book on HTML to avoid becoming a real legend in the hacker world. Putting up a web page before you know how to put up a web page is generally a very bad idea. The .gov sites are an exception. — Emmanuel Goldstein

Corporate secrets bouncing around a computer system thats open to the world? Hey, that's fair game and they deserve the embarrassment of its discovery. But using this knowledge to line your pockets or, worse, using insider knowledge to get the information and then calling that hacking is an affront to any of us who hack for the sake of learning. — Emmanuel Goldstein

Dear 2600: Please forgive my last email to your magazine. I was drunk at the time. — Emmanuel Goldstein

Dear 2600: ... So, in the interest of information gathering and because I am a subscriber, are you going to be checking me out?
This would be unnecessary since we checked you out before you subscribed. That's why we made sure you heard about us and followed the plan by subscribing. Writing this letter, however, was not part of the plan and we will be taking corrective action. — Emmanuel Goldstein

Dear 2600: I think my girlfriend has been cheating on me and I wanted to know if I could get her password to Hotmail and AOL. I am so desperate to find out. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.
And this is yet another popular category of letter we get. You say any help would be appreciated? Let's find out if thats true. Do you think someone who is cheating on you might also be capable of having a mailbox you don't know about? Do you think that even if you could get into the mailbox she uses that she would be discussing her deception there, especially if we live in a world where Hotmail and AOL passwords are so easily obtained? Finally, would you feel better if you invaded her privacy and found out that she was being totally honest with you? Whatever problems are going on in this relationship are not going to be solved with subterfuge. If you can't communicate openly, there's not much there to salvage. — Emmanuel Goldstein

Dear 2600: OK I have some real serious stuff to tell but I need to be reassured that I can trust your company that you don't do this sorta thing just so you can turn people in then I will tell my very serious and true story for you but I must be reassured first please reply. ANONYMOUS
How can we lie to you? We published 2600 for 16 years just so you would finally walk into our little trap. Welcome. — Emmanuel Goldstein

Dear 2600: I need someone with the abilities to get into my school server and change a few things. I have saved up $3500 over the past year for this and am willing to pay it in cash, as I am from the Winnipeg area.
Desperate doesnt begin to cover it. Whatever your problems, and we certainly wont try to minimize them, they are nothing compared to the world of hurt you'll enter if you do stupid things like offer complete strangers money to help you do illegal things ... ..There should be something in your genetic code that alerts you to the fact that you're doing something extremely stupid and wrong. So we're clear, the offer was in Canadian dollars and not American, right? — Emmanuel Goldstein

Many people take it personally when we're impersonal. — Emmanuel Goldstein

Dear 2600: I am sick of seeing tangled cords at payphones. This is probably the result of people switching sides during their conversation, thus making the receiver do a 360-degree revolution. If people would put back the receiver the same way they found it, things would be a whole lot easier. Reply: All it takes is one to ruin it for the rest of us. — Emmanuel Goldstein

The primary obligation of any prisoner is to escape. Whether that means actually leaving or simply figuring out a way to handle things so you don't go crazy is up to you. — Emmanuel Goldstein

What hackers do is figure out technology and experiment with it in ways many people never imagined. They also have a strong desire to share this information with others and to explain it to people whose only qualification may be the desire to learn. — Emmanuel Goldstein