Eddie Izzard Quotes & Sayings

Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin ... I poked a badger with a spoon. — Eddie Izzard

Cos people think I'm on drugs and I'm not. I'm really quite ... Just a bit of coffee. When I take drugs I start going, Oh, would you like insurance? — Eddie Izzard

This is a world that's big enough for everyone. I like that message in that comes out of John Lasseter, and it comes out Pixar, it comes out of the Apple, Google, the Ben and Jerry's thing. These are American companies that send that message around that is good, that is healthy. And everyone goes, "That's the America I always believed in before Watergate." — Eddie Izzard

Never put a sock in a toaster. — Eddie Izzard

I did bronze survival swimming. I could save people in a bronzey kind of way. — Eddie Izzard

The Death Star is just full of British actors opening doors and going,Oh ... I ... oh ... What is it Lieutenant Sebastian? It's just the Rebels, sir ... they're here. My God, man! Do they want tea? No, I think they're after something a bit more than that, sir. I don't know what it is, but they've brought a flag. Damn, that's dash cunning of them. — Eddie Izzard

I definitely have breast envy. When teenage girls were saying 'I wish I had breasts', I was thinking the same thing. — Eddie Izzard

You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is FRESH! I will do well to shop here'.
You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You'd think 'this is a POO shop! Everything in here is themed on POO! — Eddie Izzard

I saw something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, "We've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago!" And people were going, "No, surely not, no. No one was alive then." — Eddie Izzard

And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do. — Eddie Izzard

You piss me off you Salmon ... You're too expensive in restaurants. — Eddie Izzard

And I think that if God did exist, he had many children. I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh son of God. A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus, F-sus, G-sus. That's just logic. That's just mathematical. And T-sus would always be fucking about. And P-sus does deliveries. C-sus started the Roman Empire. Cae-sus. F-sus, City in Turkey. B-sus was covered in something. Some people applauding there; other people going, "What?" ... B-sus was covered in bees. — Eddie Izzard

I'm quite good at taking in information so I voraciously inhale Wikipedia - which may have some things wrong in it, but I think is generally more information than we had before. Last tour we didn't have Wikipedia. And then Discovery Channel and History Channel. I can take it in and retain what I think are the most important facts. — Eddie Izzard

The bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of drama is to be truthful. You can be truthful and funny, but if you're not truthful in a drama than the audience leaves you. — Eddie Izzard

Cable cars are fun - everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey. — Eddie Izzard

I'm an Action Transvestite — Eddie Izzard

When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine. — Eddie Izzard

No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying "Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?" "Yes, I would like tea. Why don't you put it on my breasts?" "Certainly. Tea for this man's breasts! Anything else, sir?" — Eddie Izzard

In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up. — Eddie Izzard

Your eyes flashed fire into my soul. I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, I FANCY YOU! — Eddie Izzard

What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in? — Eddie Izzard

Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death - lunch - death, death, death - afternoon tea - death, death, death - quick shower ... ' " — Eddie Izzard

Sharks are just evil bastards. I'm quite happy if all the sharks just went, because they eat fish and us. And we need the fish. — Eddie Izzard

There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it? — Eddie Izzard

They say the Universe started with a big bang. I hope everybody stood well back. — Eddie Izzard

I don't believe that competitions are important. — Eddie Izzard

I'd be happy to be taken as a woman - and that's what I was initially trying to do when I started throwing on dresses and stuff. But that wasn't going to happen because everyone kept calling me sir. So I thought I'd change the method and just start wearing what I wanted to wear. — Eddie Izzard

Cake and tea or death? — Eddie Izzard

If you go down as a comedian's comedian, that's basically meaning other comedians are hopefully feeling that you're doing okay. — Eddie Izzard

San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here ... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here. — Eddie Izzard

Animals in the wild are lean, and I think we should be too. — Eddie Izzard

Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Batallion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne Wing. — Eddie Izzard

Racist people, interestingly, are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that? Smokers always go, Do you mind if I smoke? Oh, you do? Okay, I'll go outside and have a cigarette. — Eddie Izzard

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. — Eddie Izzard

But puberty was ... well, before puberty, at school, I didn't tell kids I was a transvestite 'cause I thought they might kill me with sticks, you know? — Eddie Izzard

If you get anything creative going, then the work and play thing is the same thing, I feel. — Eddie Izzard

Peace, peace, peace. Peace is organized. — Eddie Izzard

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less. — Eddie Izzard

But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana. — Eddie Izzard

I can go from blokey to girlie in 15 minutes and then I'm out the door. But that's the fastest I can do it. Becoming a woman takes work. — Eddie Izzard

I am an evil Giraffe. — Eddie Izzard

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic. — Eddie Izzard

This is not a game of Who The Fuck Are You. — Eddie Izzard

If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete! — Eddie Izzard

I try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever. — Eddie Izzard

My sexuality is straight transvestite or male lesbian. It seems we are beyond the idea that I am gay and hiding it. If I had to describe how I feel in my head, I'd say I'm a complete boy plus half a girl. I don't seem to have the sixth sense that women have or their stronger senses of taste and smell. Gay men can also have it but straight men don't. — Eddie Izzard

We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't! — Eddie Izzard

Drama is a complete meal, vitamins, proteins, carbohydrates. It's a slow burn thing. It's got an arc. Comedy is more like coke. — Eddie Izzard

Some people are widely read. I'm thinly read. — Eddie Izzard

If you are an LGBT+ person and you come out, you have to go through your knight's quest to create ground for yourself, to stand there and say, 'I exist. I have no reason to feel guilt or shame. I am proud to exist, and while I'm not perfect, I deserve to exist in society just like anyone else. — Eddie Izzard

I try to keep performing as much as possible - I just like to. I used to take huge gaps off between gigs, now I just like to do stand-up gigs as much as I can. — Eddie Izzard

If you're a performer, people tend to be quite positive about you or they have no opinion. — Eddie Izzard

I'm a one-man idiot. — Eddie Izzard

People still talk about a British sense of humour, or French slapstick or how the Germans have no sense of humour - and it's just rubbish. I do strongly feel that we are all the bloody same. — Eddie Izzard

You can't land on the moon and say, Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam! — Eddie Izzard

You know, I don't believe that religions are religions. No, I believe they are philosophies with some good ideas and some fuckin' weird ones. — Eddie Izzard

I wanted to be less well-known in comedy. — Eddie Izzard

I love the fact that trying is respected. The American Dream: if you try, if you build it, they will come. I love that. It's honorable. — Eddie Izzard

It's a historical thing, up to the 19th century the English hated the French. Then in the 20th century the English started to hate the Germans - as we began to move alphabetically through the map of the world. Now, the year 2000, we are fine with the Germans ... but the Hungarians are pissing us off. — Eddie Izzard

If you get too well-known, you can never be a comedian's comedian, it just won't sit well. But I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that label. — Eddie Izzard

I'm a dyslexic person, so I avoid books. — Eddie Izzard

For me to put a look together, if it's going to be a boy look or a girl look or whatever, is quite a tricky thing to do. I'm not doing drag because drag is seen in a certain way and my comedy has got zero to do with what I'm wearing. I could wear an elephant suit and say the same thing. — Eddie Izzard

If there were a god, don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off? — Eddie Izzard

When I was seven, I said, "I want to act." When I was 10, I realized that films exist, and I wanted to be in them. Not a comedian, I wanted to be a dramatic actor. Films just seemed such fun, and like such a great thing to do. — Eddie Izzard

I did it on a wing and a prayer, and even though I didn't have enough confidence to do the show, I had a theory; if I assume I have the confidence, I'll tell everyone I'm doing it, and then people will come and we'll actually do it. Once we've done it, I'll have the confidence to do it again. It was some sort of weird positive-thinking confidence mantra because I had to get there. — Eddie Izzard

Poetry is very similar to music, only less notes and more words. — Eddie Izzard

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. — Eddie Izzard

Everyone gets cards at the beginning of life. I am transgender, I decided to be honest and tell everyone about it, and that's it. — Eddie Izzard

And the National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, people do," but I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!"
"That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that ... — Eddie Izzard

Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal. — Eddie Izzard

We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" They're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag ... ? "No ... " "Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules ... that I just made up! — Eddie Izzard

They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people. — Eddie Izzard

In Britain we have a very powerful tabloid culture with celebrities on the front page crying with their make-up smeared and tears, and it's kind of what you'd expect from someone who likes to dress up that way. — Eddie Izzard

If you can be your own force of nature and have a positive heart, then you can actually do something good in the world. — Eddie Izzard

There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD! — Eddie Izzard

He [Charlie Chaplin] was always playing as if it were to the camera, if you've seen the live shots of him when he's going to an opening night or something like that. And the skills that he had were beyond my ability to throw together. You just couldn't really compete with him. He was too athletic at that. — Eddie Izzard

I mean, sometimes ... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don't even notice that that's the thing. — Eddie Izzard

You have the American dream! The dream is to be born in a gutter and grow up, and then get all the money in the world and stick it in your ears and go THBBBBBT. — Eddie Izzard

All humans can do more than they think they can do. So I think we can all actually be more superhuman than we think we can. — Eddie Izzard

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!" — Eddie Izzard

The Pope is guarded by the Swiss guard who stand proudly in pajamas and silly hats. — Eddie Izzard

It's my manifest destiny to wear a skirt in all countries. — Eddie Izzard

We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about? — Eddie Izzard

I'm into humanity. I don't believe in God, but I believe in human beings. — Eddie Izzard

Learning that you have stamina is an excellent thing to know. If a project fails, I know I can pick myself up. — Eddie Izzard

I've learnt that you've got to be really non-apologetic... You've got to say, 'Hi, I'm here, can I have a cup of tea? And one of those biscuits?' If you say that, it's fine. If you go in and say, 'Excuse me, I'm a transvestite, I'll be in the corner, I won't be a problem, I'll face away,' everyone will go, 'Oh-oh, problem case in the corner.' So don't apologise. — Eddie Izzard

I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees putting on make-up when you're up there! — Eddie Izzard

Honey bees are amazing creatures. I mean, think about it, do earwigs make chutney? — Eddie Izzard

I wear whatever I want whenever I want. I don't call it drag; I don't even call it cross-dressing. It's just wearing a dress. — Eddie Izzard

America is the new Roman Empire. Remember what happened to Rome. — Eddie Izzard

But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who've had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!"
"Well, if you put it that way, I think you've got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry. — Eddie Izzard

I've wiped the file? ... I've wiped all the files? ... I've wiped the INTERNET? I don't even have a modem! — Eddie Izzard

Spiders frighten me. In response to the spider alerts for Australia, please can the Australian government remove all spiders from Australia and blow them into outer space. — Eddie Izzard

I don't believe in God. I believe gods and devils are within us. It's our own battle. Our life's battle is to appeal to the gods within us, and to fight the devils within us. — Eddie Izzard

I am someone who's very positive about business, as a social Democrat. I do like the safety net of the welfare system and people setting things and creating business, and that's what I try to do with my own work: export it around the world from the U.K. — Eddie Izzard

Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the sexuality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they put transvestite there - no no no no! Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you! And gay men, I think, would agree. It's male lesbian, that's really where it is, ok? Because ... it's true! 'Cause most transvestites fancy girls, fancy women. So that's where it is. — Eddie Izzard

My Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you in case you slip with the needle and it goes up, into the brain, and death. — Eddie Izzard

Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, Is that Rod Stewart in first class? — Eddie Izzard

Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18 gibberish. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You" — Eddie Izzard

I've done a bit of Latin in my time ... but I can control it. — Eddie Izzard