Doug Stanhope Quotes & Sayings

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it. — Doug Stanhope

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. — Doug Stanhope

What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority ... — Doug Stanhope

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system! — Doug Stanhope

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met — Doug Stanhope

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, I'm not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way. — Doug Stanhope

The only way I thought I could do a greatest hits album is to do it in a prison where they have no f**king idea who I am. I'd do what I consider the best of those old, early CDs before I did DVDs. A women's prison would be even better, but it has to be English-speaking. — Doug Stanhope

Tradition and heritage are all dead peoples baggage. Stop carrying it. Move forward. — Doug Stanhope

Get the right to marry - and then don't. — Doug Stanhope

I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?! — Doug Stanhope

I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party. — Doug Stanhope

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box. — Doug Stanhope

AA makes Scientology look credible, — Doug Stanhope

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child. Well what if it wasn't? — Doug Stanhope

I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech? — Doug Stanhope

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt? — Doug Stanhope

In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points. — Doug Stanhope

What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him. — Doug Stanhope

There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act. — Doug Stanhope

My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag. — Doug Stanhope

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate? — Doug Stanhope

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point. — Doug Stanhope

I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid. — Doug Stanhope

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools. — Doug Stanhope

The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback. — Doug Stanhope

You never hear in the news, 'Two hundred killed today when atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the agnostic stronghold in the north.' — Doug Stanhope

Children are like poems. They're beautiful
to their creators
but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying. — Doug Stanhope

I drink during every show. I can't remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It's like steroids are for athletes. I'm looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn't have been on stage this long. — Doug Stanhope

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best ... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y. — Doug Stanhope

One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect. — Doug Stanhope

I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory. — Doug Stanhope

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you. — Doug Stanhope

You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger ... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science. — Doug Stanhope

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them. — Doug Stanhope

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment? — Doug Stanhope

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop. — Doug Stanhope

I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other. — Doug Stanhope

They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts ... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem. — Doug Stanhope

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it. — Doug Stanhope

I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt. — Doug Stanhope

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it? — Doug Stanhope

I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape. — Doug Stanhope

It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security. — Doug Stanhope

The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't really need to be known anymore than I am. The slight sliver of fame I do have is hard to deal with. If I was actually well-known - I don't even know what to say to people who are at my show when I walk into the venue, much less having waitresses in diners asking for my autograph. — Doug Stanhope

There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years. — Doug Stanhope

I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of those who, to make their own court, much more than for your sake, will not fail to repeat, and even amplify, the praise to the party concerned. This is of all flattery the most pleasing, and consequently the most effectual. — Doug Stanhope

I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want. — Doug Stanhope

Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day. — Doug Stanhope

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if I'm paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see who's funniest, with everyone treated equally. — Doug Stanhope

Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress. — Doug Stanhope

That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get. — Doug Stanhope

People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, "Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!" — Doug Stanhope

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job. — Doug Stanhope

Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you never met, and to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in. — Doug Stanhope

You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do. — Doug Stanhope

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen. — Doug Stanhope

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair. — Doug Stanhope

I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at. — Doug Stanhope

If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it. — Doug Stanhope

"This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth. — Doug Stanhope

Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don't create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it's controversial. The most fun is having a point of view that the audience is generally against and presenting an argument that challenges their thinking. — Doug Stanhope

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention. — Doug Stanhope

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions. — Doug Stanhope

The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not. — Doug Stanhope

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000. — Doug Stanhope

I couldn't possibly explain why the common person would be against something like that. It's all rooted in sexual hang-ups. The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. I don't know why anyone would want to get married heterosexually, so why they'd be against homosexual marriage is flummoxing. I only use that word when I'm talking to someone from the British press. — Doug Stanhope

I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't. — Doug Stanhope

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it's sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early. — Doug Stanhope

We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar. — Doug Stanhope

How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That's all America is: a government. There's no such thing as 'we're Americans.' That's just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You're not an American. You're a guy, you're a person, you're an individual. — Doug Stanhope

I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more! — Doug Stanhope

People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate. — Doug Stanhope

I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later! — Doug Stanhope

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk? — Doug Stanhope

I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals. — Doug Stanhope

If you start to smell some of the shit, you start smelling all of the shit — Doug Stanhope

It is a great advantage for any man to be able to talk or hear, neither ignorantly nor absurdly, upon any subject; for I have known people, who have not said one word, hear ignorantly and absurdly; it has appeared by their inattentive and unmeaning faces. — Doug Stanhope

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead. — Doug Stanhope

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable. — Doug Stanhope

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist. — Doug Stanhope

Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up ... there are too many people. — Doug Stanhope

When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee. — Doug Stanhope

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press. — Doug Stanhope

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis. — Doug Stanhope

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA. — Doug Stanhope

Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness. — Doug Stanhope

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life. — Doug Stanhope

Every vice is already a punishment in itself ... you don't need a ticket on top of it. — Doug Stanhope

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night. — Doug Stanhope

Paralympics ... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch. — Doug Stanhope

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating. — Doug Stanhope

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion. — Doug Stanhope

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse ... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures. — Doug Stanhope

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly. — Doug Stanhope

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area. — Doug Stanhope

I watched 60 Minutes ... and they showed this woman, she's in every kind of..thing like that. 'This woman', they say, 'she lost her first four children
died from malnutrition
and, now, she's afraid that her new six-month-old newborn twins will suffer the same fate' ... Who's going to step in and say ... 'kick her in the cunt 'til it doesn't work', 'that woman is a sociopath! that is a sick human being!' ... How much of a sociopath do you need to be? That is the slow ritual torture-murder of children, one after another! At what point does cause-and-effect not kick in? How many bulb-headed skeletons have to go stiff in your arms?! ... 'what? this one's not working ... oh, well let's try again', one after another. At what point do you not go 'I think this is bad'? ... How many kids are you going to fuckin' kill, lady? ... If you impregnate someone under those conditions, they should abort the parents! that's sick! — Doug Stanhope

The more business gets involved, the less fun it is. — Doug Stanhope

Your instinct is your true god. Follow it. — Doug Stanhope

I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here. — Doug Stanhope

Sex is free fun for poor people. — Doug Stanhope