Demetri Martin Quotes & Sayings

My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued. — Demetri Martin

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket. — Demetri Martin

I think they named the orange before the carrot. — Demetri Martin

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television. — Demetri Martin

Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room. — Demetri Martin

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place. — Demetri Martin

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting. — Demetri Martin

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak. — Demetri Martin

Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'. — Demetri Martin

It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator. — Demetri Martin

They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that. — Demetri Martin

I'm a producer on my show, which is great, but it's also kind of a mixed blessing because there's so much responsibility. Everything is a decision. You have to worry about the money, you have to worry about daylight, who we're going to cast and if this location doesn't work out, what are we going to do? — Demetri Martin

Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal. — Demetri Martin

Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it. — Demetri Martin

After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term 'happily ever after' lived reasonably well for a while. — Demetri Martin

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder. — Demetri Martin

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice? — Demetri Martin

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable. — Demetri Martin

When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here. — Demetri Martin

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out. — Demetri Martin

A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot. — Demetri Martin

When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop. — Demetri Martin

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store. — Demetri Martin

When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads. — Demetri Martin

Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths. — Demetri Martin

The other night I was playing twister with some amputees. — Demetri Martin

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. — Demetri Martin

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are. — Demetri Martin

I would like a ship for the hips, please. Ships and hips. Hipsters to stir with their hips on the hip ships. And, of course, hips. Yeah, hip. That's me. I also like sips. I'm a slow drinker. A sipster. I'm a sipster hipster comedian. Yeah, sips. But more hips. Hip, hipster, hip star, hiptard. Definitely. — Demetri Martin

Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American. — Demetri Martin

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it. — Demetri Martin

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm ... I actually ... never mind" — Demetri Martin

Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen. — Demetri Martin

I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange. — Demetri Martin

This is a pie chart about procrastination. — Demetri Martin

As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress. — Demetri Martin

There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation. — Demetri Martin

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful. — Demetri Martin

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron. — Demetri Martin

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize. — Demetri Martin

Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I'm learning something. There are these little challenges built into it; it's a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer. — Demetri Martin

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two. — Demetri Martin

I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the "crazy guy" at law school, which is the guy who is not so much "crazy" as "annoying." — Demetri Martin

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries. — Demetri Martin

Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name ...
..DJ Abraham Lincoln — Demetri Martin

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle. — Demetri Martin

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.' — Demetri Martin

I like people, for a little while. — Demetri Martin

Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore. — Demetri Martin

Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web. — Demetri Martin

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade. — Demetri Martin

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.' — Demetri Martin

I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout. — Demetri Martin

I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.' — Demetri Martin

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole. — Demetri Martin

To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV. — Demetri Martin

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. — Demetri Martin

Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up. — Demetri Martin

I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation. — Demetri Martin

I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear? — Demetri Martin

Clowns have no respect for pie. — Demetri Martin

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them. — Demetri Martin

I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad. — Demetri Martin

Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname. — Demetri Martin

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying. — Demetri Martin

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's. — Demetri Martin

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them. — Demetri Martin

A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you — Demetri Martin

I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games. — Demetri Martin

I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone. — Demetri Martin

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey. — Demetri Martin

When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval? — Demetri Martin

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro. — Demetri Martin

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered. — Demetri Martin

I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world. — Demetri Martin

The sofa is the enemy of productivity. — Demetri Martin

Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!" She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here." — Demetri Martin

Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets. — Demetri Martin

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep. — Demetri Martin

I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands. — Demetri Martin

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun. — Demetri Martin

I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it. — Demetri Martin

If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind. — Demetri Martin

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar! — Demetri Martin

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either — Demetri Martin

When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B ... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here. — Demetri Martin

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all. — Demetri Martin

I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I'm calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half. — Demetri Martin

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral. — Demetri Martin

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles. — Demetri Martin

Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies. — Demetri Martin

I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World. — Demetri Martin

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio. — Demetri Martin

My original goal was just to do stand-up but then I became interested in films - writing a film, shooting one someday, and getting to act in them. — Demetri Martin

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual. — Demetri Martin

If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking. — Demetri Martin

Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face. — Demetri Martin

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE! — Demetri Martin

I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put " ... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays. — Demetri Martin

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. — Demetri Martin