David Spade Quotes & Sayings

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those. — David Spade

FYI, this book is not that serious. This is meant to be read when super bored, then forgotten fifteen minutes later. It could be read cover-to-cover during one medium-to-severe case of diarrhea. — David Spade

I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm overthinking it to get it right. — David Spade

Spent most of the summer looking for shade. Driving around. Shade. Please? Driving in malls. I'll park a mile away I don't care. I'm just looking for a tree branch, anything. Long weed. Big leaf, get the front corner panel under it. Oh precious shade, I have it - you don't! — David Spade

The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there. — David Spade

I never dated much in high school or college. — David Spade

Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, Oh, he's good. — David Spade

Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city's. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open. — David Spade

I only have one note, let's be honest. But I'll play a different version of that one note. — David Spade

I don't like throwing myself in a place that's going to rock my world. — David Spade

I'm like a Dilbert cartoon. — David Spade

Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of rinky dink. The first 7 floors are a homeless shelter, but I'm on 8. — David Spade

In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends. — David Spade

As boys get older, they can't let on that it's cool to meet me. — David Spade

It's hard for your mom to tell you she has an oral fixation and has to have something in her mouth. My step dad is in the kitchen winking at me. You down with OPP, yeah you know me. Exciting is and a special ... What? Easy, and why do you know all the words? That's weird. — David Spade

I changed my act because I wasn't getting booked. — David Spade

It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it. — David Spade

It's brutal. I see friends when their shows don't work. Everything's riding on making money and all the pressure and how people scatter when fortunes turn downward. — David Spade

There's always something funny about men chasing women. — David Spade

I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled. — David Spade

My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends. — David Spade

Everyone is so weird in L.A. that if you're somewhat normal, it's exotic. — David Spade

It's so crazy in Hollywood. — David Spade

I have two skateboards, but I don't get to use them much. I have a snowboard, which I've never used. — David Spade

The last girl I went out with blew me off. Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, "Hey, did I leave a penny over there?" — David Spade

I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder. — David Spade

Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It's the American way. There's really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of the 1900s, 20th century. — David Spade

People come and go around you, but you're never the one getting the big stuff. I like that. — David Spade

MySpace is a great way to keep in touch with friends who you don't care enough about to actually have a conversation with, why bother calling to say "how are you," when you can just surf their page and post an mpeg of a guy farting on his cat. — David Spade

I have no detectable hair style. — David Spade

With Saturday Night Live you're looking for any hook, any way to stay on the show. — David Spade

To be famous and broke is hard. — David Spade

How do you lay low but still do your job? Try to stay out there without being out there like Jenny McCarthy? — David Spade

You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun. — David Spade

Bill Murray I always liked. I'm not as good as him, but there's a quality in him that I like. And then there's DeNiro, I'll never be that. — David Spade

If I try to cover too much ground, you start to get watered down and less interesting. — David Spade

Horrible date all through high school and college. Here's an impression of me on a date in high school. Come on, chug it! — David Spade

I can see getting married and having a family, because it is the next thing on the agenda. You can only do this for so long. I'm old, and my friends all have kids. And I'm single, still blow drying my hair! — David Spade

My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators. — David Spade

Don't make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they're 5-years old! It's really not the place or the time. You're about 11 years early. — David Spade

I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her. — David Spade

You know, you want to pull in a wide audience. — David Spade

No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it's too weird to sleep in too late. — David Spade

There are a couple hard things. One, getting a funny idea that people can relate to; a funny idea or a funny script; there's a million pitches. — David Spade

Sometimes when I watch a TV season, your favorite shows die quickly. And then sometimes it's not your favorite, and they live on for 12 years. — David Spade

When my stepfather died, I just kind of fell apart. I felt pretty vulnerable, like there literally could be no tomorrow. — David Spade

Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares? — David Spade

It's good to do stand-up. It kind of wakes you up and makes you feel like you're doing something. You got the crowd right there. That's all fun. — David Spade

I just don't like to go out and deal with the real world. It's scary. — David Spade

My career is just kind of crazy. — David Spade

I wish I had that carefree lifestyle. But I guess I'm more private, and more inside. — David Spade

I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose. — David Spade

When I started I'd fly across the country to do a gig for a hundred bucks. — David Spade

I talk to my dad all the time, he's more like my buddy than my father, and he's not happy that I use him in my act. But I tell him, I have to get something out of this. — David Spade

You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five! — David Spade

It's hard to have a career. — David Spade

It wasn't a cutdown to call someone a Mexican. It would kill my career to refer to someone as Mexican today. It's like calling me an American. — David Spade

I want to get away from it all. Move to the sticks. Montana. Hundreds of miles from civilization. Get a cabin in the snow. Curl up with some cute girl. Say stuff to her like, Scream all you want, sugar. Ain't nobody gonna hear you! — David Spade

To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee. — David Spade

On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week. — David Spade

Hopefully, underlying all my jokes is an element of surprise. — David Spade

I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom. — David Spade

Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, 'That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible.' — David Spade

I've been with a beautiful girl from time to time. — David Spade

It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops. — David Spade

Now that I have the opportunities to do a lot, I want to do less. — David Spade

It's just easier to make fun and cut down. It's kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you're going to say, it can be cruel and funny. — David Spade

My school of thought is, anything goes, but I can't do that anymore. — David Spade

Seriously, you don't have to know English. It'd be nice, a nice little plus. We don't want miracles. You don't have to know the country's language. But just some shapes, that's all. A square. A little geometry. — David Spade

Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch. — David Spade

There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all. — David Spade

When I'm interviewed on Leno, just be funny, period. That's all they want from me. I don't want to tell my life story. — David Spade

It's funny because it's funny. — David Spade

I started doing the star turn and making a profit off it. Now I'm kind of one of them. — David Spade

I never have kids in movies or in TV shows. — David Spade