David Letterman Quotes & Sayings

Economists believe there are three reasons why the Russian economy is doing so poorly. One, economic sanctions are working. Number two, low-price oil. And number three, Lindsay Lohan has quit drinking vodka. — David Letterman

President Obama and his family are spending the holidays in Hawaii, and while they're gone, they got a fence jumper to house sit. Tomorrow, he will be in Hawaii playing golf with Raul Castro and the Pope. — David Letterman

You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she's a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I'm thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy; just get ready. — David Letterman

Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the polls, you know he's not the only Bush in freefall. — David Letterman

This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra. — David Letterman

The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms. — David Letterman

My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money. — David Letterman

I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that. — David Letterman

Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn't think I'd be able to do the show. — David Letterman

It was stupid behaviour. And you take a look at the explosion, and it knocks you down and you wake up every morning and you're scared and you're depressed and sad, and you kind of got to let that knock you down and knock you down. — David Letterman

CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three. — David Letterman

BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders. — David Letterman

Don't kid yourself. Global warming is no joke. Here's how serious global warming has gotten to be in the United States. In this country global warming is so bad, we are now actually starting to warm up to Barry Bonds. — David Letterman

How about this John Kerry controversy? So he's out there in California, tells some kind of joke and it backfires. He's saying he botched the joke ... This guy can lose elections he's not even in. — David Letterman

I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman

Privately I think that I'm not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people - Johnny Carson and Sylvester Stallone. I'm just a kid trying to make a living is the way I feel. — David Letterman

Honey, what happened to "ladies first"? Husband replies, "That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!" — David Letterman

How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he'd use Hair Force One. — David Letterman

Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound. — David Letterman

President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense - he wants to know what was going on, too. — David Letterman

Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics. — David Letterman

Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup. — David Letterman

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode? — David Letterman

Trump says that if he's elected, he won't let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant. — David Letterman

And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they're saying? For the first time he's starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. Don't worry. He's got a plan. He's going to be to campaigning in Europe. — David Letterman

The issue of gay marriage has reached the Supreme Court and observers are analyzing every detail to predict how each justice will vote. Experts say Chief Justice John Roberts is likely to rule in favor of gay marriage based on the fact that he spent Tuesday's hearings watching the Tony Award nominations. — David Letterman

President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, 'While you're there, pick up your birth certificate.' — David Letterman

Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, 'Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?' — David Letterman

Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants. — David Letterman

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. — David Letterman

Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex. — David Letterman

The best part about holiday parties is the alcohol. You have a couple of drinks and you tell your coworkers and your superiors what you really think about them. And then the fun begins. — David Letterman

We thought New York City was home to 8 million rats. Turns out, that's a little high. The actual number is 2 million rats. That explains the light turnout for the midterm elections. — David Letterman

Let's stop for a moment to admire the rotating pies. — David Letterman

The Democrats were crushed in the midterm elections. The Republican juggernaut pounded the Democrats, and the pundits say they will not really know what happened to the Democrats until they find the black box. — David Letterman

I don't like stand-up comedy that requires a lot of props. I really respect people who can walk out onstage alone and with no other tool but their own minds and can make you laugh and maybe even think a little. — David Letterman

Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the bud, didn't he? ... President Bush says he's really going to buckle down now and fight global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced today he's sending 20,000 troops to the sun — David Letterman

John Walker, while he was in Afghanistan, told people his goal was to have four wives ... Do we need any further proof that this guy is out of his mind? Four wives? That's how al Qaeda gets you to become a suicide bomber. — David Letterman

Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street. — David Letterman

Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with guacamole. — David Letterman

The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade has new balloons this year including the Pillsbury Doughboy balloon and the first openly gay balloon. Also the Thomas Tank Engine balloon, and they even have the Ebola nurse balloon. — David Letterman

Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair. — David Letterman

Tim Tebow has been on the bench longer than Ruth Bader Ginsburg. — David Letterman

A pair of ruby red slippers worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz have been stolen. The thief is described as being armed and fabulous. — David Letterman

Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one. — David Letterman

I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound. — David Letterman

You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that? — David Letterman

People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States - the Kardashians. — David Letterman

They found a cave once lived in by Osama bin Laden and the only thing in the cave were some boxer undershorts, and macaroni. I'm telling you, you add an old stack of Playboys, this could be my place. It's like I have a twin. — David Letterman

I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart. — David Letterman

Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he'll throw in a free 32-ounce soda. — David Letterman

Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone. — David Letterman

President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound. — David Letterman

I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by sitting in a pup tent banging on a drum. — David Letterman

I hate decaffeinated coffee. It's useless brown water. — David Letterman

And tar is washing up onto the beaches - big globs of tar. And people are saying, 'Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?' No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket. — David Letterman

The first presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions. — David Letterman

The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal. — David Letterman

The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup. — David Letterman

John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox. — David Letterman

Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul. — David Letterman

The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts. — David Letterman

He has been greatly missed since his retirement ... Thank God for videotapes and DVDs. In this regard, he will always be around. — David Letterman

Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks. — David Letterman

Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We'll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day. — David Letterman

They figured out a way to control that hamburger disease. You dip the hamburger into the scalding hot coffee before eating. — David Letterman

Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He's a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he said it works out to about eight minutes of laughter. — David Letterman

John McCain turned 72 years old last Friday, but the Chinese are making him a birth certificate that says he's only 33 and then he'll be ready to go. — David Letterman

My political position is that I'm happy to be alive and in North America. — David Letterman

I'll be 50 years old tomorrow and that means, among other things, that now Bob Dole can start telling jokes about me. — David Letterman

Tip to out-of-town visitors. If you buy something here in New York and you want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don't need your name and address. — David Letterman

This isn't brain surgery; it's just television. — David Letterman

Here's a woman, a real pioneer for other women looking for careers in stand-up comedy. And talk about guts - she would come out here and sit in this chair and say some things that were unbelievable - where you would have to swallow pretty hard ... but it was hilarious ... the force of her comedy was overpowering. — David Letterman

Have you folks been following the controversy with John Kerry and his service in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It all took place in Vietnam and now it just won't go away. I was thinking about this - if John Kerry had just ducked the war like everybody else he wouldn't have this trouble. — David Letterman

Good luck finding a place to park in New York City. And when you do, good luck figuring out the parking signs, restrictions, and prohibitions. It is so complicated. It has gotten so bad, I never park my car without a lawyer. — David Letterman

Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement. — David Letterman

Are you excited about the recall election? Arnold's campaign has a new slogan: 'Win one for the groper.' — David Letterman

Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, 'Thank you, Oprah.' — David Letterman

I have talents aplenty. Unfortunately, precious few of them have any redeeming social value. — David Letterman

You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It's bad. The department stores, this holiday season, no Santa Claus. They're laying off department-store Santa Clauses. So more bad news for John McCain. — David Letterman

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales?" And three is "Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound. — David Letterman

One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day you're being checked for fleas on FOX News. — David Letterman

Overall Bush's European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group. — David Letterman

The new 'Mad Max' movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in 'Mad Max.' I play the old geezer who remembers what steak tasted like. — David Letterman

Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience. — David Letterman

President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo. — David Letterman

Mitt Romney looks like an American President in a Canadian movie. — David Letterman

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache? — David Letterman

The Bush campaign for re-election has officially begun. They're actually running television commercials. Have you seen any of the television commercials? In one of the commercials, you see George Bush for thirty seconds. In another commercial, you get to see George Bush for sixty seconds - kind of like his stint in the National Guard. — David Letterman

There just isn't enough televised Chess — David Letterman

I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms. — David Letterman

I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, who was going to blow up the plane. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic ... Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization. — David Letterman

Kim Jong Il made his staff call him "dear" and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen. — David Letterman

Quiet down, we don't want to wake the Russians. — David Letterman

You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize ... there is no beanbag. — David Letterman

President Obama is in China. Also in China is evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin. They're both in China at the same time. It's like running into your ex-girlfriend on vacation. — David Letterman

Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I'm sorry but you're going to have to give up your seats. — David Letterman

John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can't name the foreign leaders. That's all right, President Bush can't name them either. — David Letterman

Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I. — David Letterman

Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war in Iraq that his brother started. All he needs is a hot tub time machine. — David Letterman