David Javerbaum Quotes & Sayings

I spent 11 years at 'The Daily Show,' and I learned everything there about how to write funny, how to write funny on topic. — David Javerbaum

The number of the devil is not 666.
That is only his area code, his number is unlisted. — David Javerbaum

If there's a God, and we have all this evidence that there's evolution, but He created the world only 6,000 years ago - what is the best and most logical explanation to reconcile those two things? I came up with - He came up with it, of course - that all things are fakeable. — David Javerbaum

Hen two people fall in love, it is as if some new physical constant has been added to the universe. — David Javerbaum

He doth, indeed, especially love heavy-metal; into the recording sessions whereof he does, indeed, sneak, that he may insert backward messages into songs; for he believeth retrograde gibberish laid inaudibly under ear-shattering grindcore, to be the most effective way to promote his views. 19 And he doth, indeed, visit people in their time of need; and offer to grant them mortal happiness in exchange for their immortal soul; and if they agree, he doth, indeed, have them sign a contract; for though he is the amoral Prince of All Lies, he hath for some reason an unshakable respect for tort law. — David Javerbaum

As a Jew reading about Jesus, I thought, 'He's a pretty good guy.' It's the same conclusion Monty Python drew in 'Life of Brian' - if people actually live what he did, it would be a pretty good world. But Jesus and Christianity have a tenuous relationship at best. — David Javerbaum

You know, people always talk about how Jesus came down to Earth as a human being. He became a human being, But no one ever takes into account what that means. — David Javerbaum