Laurie A. Helgoe Quotes & Sayings

For an introvert, interacting in a group setting does mean missing out. Where there is too much input, the introvert misses his mind, his subjectivity, his freedom, his very potential. The high-stimulus social environment, the "where it's at on a Friday night," this apparent "more," becomes a prison to the introvert. He can't wait to be free - to get out and away from the noise, the talk, the interference with his inner process. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Resources on self-promotion, specifically targeted to introverts and accessible online, now abound. Popular examples include Beth Buelow's The Introvert Entrepreneur blog and podcast and Nancy Ancowitz's Self-Promotion for Introverts site. Ancowitz, business communication coach and author of the book Self-Promotion for Introverts, recommends that introverts build on what they do naturally rather than try to replicate extroverts: — Laurie A. Helgoe

Introverts are collectors of thoughts, and solitude is where the collection is curated and rearranged to make sense of the present and future. — Laurie A. Helgoe

An introvert may feel asocial when pressured to go to a party that doesn't interest her. But for her, the event does not promise meaningful interaction. In fact, she knows that the party will leave her feeling more alone and alienated. Her social preference may be to stay home and reflect on a conversation with a friend, call that friend, and come to an understanding that is meaningful to her. Or she might indulge in the words of a favorite author, feeling a deep connection with a person she has never met. From the perspective of a partygoer, this introvert may appear to be asocial, when, in fact, the introvert is interacting in a much different way. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Similarly, a Solo Date is an outing with yourself to satisfy some of your introvert cravings. And it is a delicious treat. — Laurie A. Helgoe

I heard, for the first time - nothing. I danced and did somersaults, lay down in a bed of grass, felt the breeze.
And for the first time, I heard my heart, and I knew who I was. — Laurie A. Helgoe

The British attendees reported a similar difficulty identifying introverts in America because "U.S. Introverts exhibited behavior that in the United Kingdom was associated with Extroversion: sociability, comfort with small talk, disclosure of personal information, energetic and fast-paced conversation, and so forth." Most Americans, whether introverted or extroverted, have learned to look like extroverts. — Laurie A. Helgoe

How do we maintain integrity as introverts, and at the same time allow our natural extroverted tendencies to emerge?
The answer: organically. We mosh best when we feel like moshing. The T'ai Chi symbol illustrates that introversion (yin) flows into extroversion (yang) and extroversion flows into introversion. Each specialty houses the nucleus of the other. When the introvert is safe, she can extrovert. When the extrovert is safe, he can introvert. — Laurie A. Helgoe

About? You have no interest in joining that club!" But that's how programming works: society's assumptions sink in, and we don't even know it until we hear ourselves restating those assumptions - automatically, without thought. We change by becoming aware. We become aware by observing: watching our own conversations, noticing the lies, seeing the truth. And once we get clear about the truth, we can try something radically different: honesty. "Never — Laurie A. Helgoe

Though I may be efficient at the family table, I linger at the table for two. — Laurie A. Helgoe

For the introvert, conversation can be a very limited forum for self-expression. When a song moves you, a writer "gets" you, or a theory enlightens you - you and its creator are connecting in a realm beyond sight or speech. — Laurie A. Helgoe

In his seminal article, "The Capacity to Be Alone," psychoanalyst and child development expert D. W. Winnicott asserted that the ability to be alone "is one of the most important signs of maturity in emotional development. — Laurie A. Helgoe

The Socially Accessible introvert looks like an extrovert on the outside and sees extroversion as a bar that he or she can never quite reach. These individuals are often very successful in social arenas, but fault themselves for not having more fun. — Laurie A. Helgoe

According to the prevailing extroversion assumption, inviting you is a nice gesture, and pressuring you is a compliment - an indication that you are wanted. How many times have you equivocated on or even declined an invitation, only to be asked again - and again? — Laurie A. Helgoe

What we share as introverts is the love of ideas and the desire to explore them with minimal interruption. We want and need input, but we'd rather get it through reading, research, and rich conversation than through unfiltered talk. — Laurie A. Helgoe

If your friend knows you at all, she is being rude by pressuring you to do something that is bad for you. Yes, bad for you. Engaging in a painful activity that leaves you feeling crummy about yourself is self-destructive. But your friend is probably not a jerk - you wouldn't have chosen her for a friend if she were. She's just following the social rules. And you may be following them too. — Laurie A. Helgoe

As an introvert, you can be your own best friend or your worst enemy. The good news is we generally like our own company, a quality that extroverts often envy. We find comfort in solitude and know how to soothe ourselves. Even our willingness to look at ourselves critically is often helpful.
But, we can go too far. We can hoard responsibility and overlook the role others play. We can kick ourselves when we're down. How many times have you felt lousy about something, only to get mad at yourself for feeling lousy? — Laurie A. Helgoe

Re-examine all you have been told. Dismiss what insults your soul. - Walt Whitman — Laurie A. Helgoe

Though some of us like to get on stage, many introverts are content to put on their invisibility cloaks and watch. But well-meaning extroverts will have none of that! They need to draw us out, invite us to participate - repeatedly - and question why we are so depressed as to not want to join. — Laurie A. Helgoe

In "America the extroverted," relationships are good, and even if they are very bad, they are better than no relationship. Introverts don't think this way. Many of us want and have great relationships, but we generally prefer "no relationship" to a bad one. Quality matters. We conserve our relationship resources, because we know they are limited. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Whatever kind of introvert you are, some people will find you "too much" in some ways and "not enough" in others. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Solitude is not lack. — Laurie A. Helgoe

I believed that if I had the whole story, if I had the opportunity to really know the person I was sitting with, there would be nobody I could not love. — Laurie A. Helgoe

If you retreat in response to desire rather than deprivation, the deprivation may never come. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Ultimately I found my community by pursuing what I loved: writing, acting, art, coffeehouses. — Laurie A. Helgoe

I prefer to interact with people one-on-one. Any more than that, and the dynamic becomes competitive. — Laurie A. Helgoe

One of the teens I worked with told me about how she loves to take tests, because it is quiet and everyone is occupying their own space. — Laurie A. Helgoe

But when an introvert is hanging out with a friend, sharing reflections, he is in his element. The conversation is "mind to mind" rather than "mouth to mouth." Extroverts share ideas too, but the ideas are secondary to the interaction and develop between the two people as they talk. The focal point is external. For introverts, the focal point is internal, with each participant bringing the other inside and working things out there. A good conversation leaves an introvert feeling more connected, but also personally richer. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Introverts keep their best stuff inside - that is, until it is ready. And this drives extroverts crazy! The explanation for the introvert's behavior - and there must be an explanation for this behavior, say the extroverts - is that he or she is antisocial, out of touch, or simply a snob. — Laurie A. Helgoe

In a conversation with someone sharing gossip, the introvert's eyes glaze over and his brow furrows as he tries to comprehend how this conversation could interest anyone. This is not because the introvert is morally superior - he just doesn't get it. As we've discussed, introverts are energized and excited by ideas. Simply talking about people, what they do and who they know, is noise for the introvert. He'll be looking between the lines for some meaning, and this can be hard work! Before long, he'll be looking for a way out of the conversation. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Recognition is what you feel when a friend sums up exactly what you're feeling, when an author gives you the right words, when someone "gets" you. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Reading is like travel, allowing you to exit your own life for a bit, and to come back with a renewed, even inspired, perspective. — Laurie A. Helgoe

I talk with many Shadow Dwellers who are mystified by the fact that chatty workers are rarely reprimanded. Sit and gossip and you are fun; close the door (if you have one) and you are antisocial. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Efforts to make work fun only annoy most of us, especially the introvert. — Laurie A. Helgoe

This book is not about finding balance - we are really tired of doing that! Besides, finding balance assumes that we have been allowed to be fully introverted. We have not. This book is about embracing the power of introversion. It's about indulging, melting into, drinking in, immersing ourselves in the joy, the genius, and the power of who we naturally are - and not just on the occasional retreat, but in the living of our lives. — Laurie A. Helgoe

I'm one of those introverts with well-honed social skills, and I have even danced on the occasional table, but I have felt sheer panic when my exhaustion precedes my exit. It's like the Cinderella story with a twist: I want to get out of there and into my duds before midnight - or ten, or eight. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Your nature is not the problem. The problem is that you have become alienated from your nature
from your power source. — Laurie A. Helgoe

It would be wise to be concerned about the introvert who is deprived of solitude. Is she neglecting herself due to depression? Is she falling victim to guilt and self-reproach? Does she feel cut off from pleasure? Does she feel dead? — Laurie A. Helgoe

It takes an extrovert to bring out my upbeat side. If it were up to me, everyone would probably just sit around talking about mysteries of the universe. — Laurie A. Helgoe

We know we only have so much energy for reaching out; if we're going to invest, we want it to be good. — Laurie A. Helgoe

I'm not so sure that live is always better. It is part of the extrovert assumption to value interaction over inner action. Most introverts savor live time with a close friend, because they know there will be plenty of inner action for both of them. But much of what we call "social" in America allows for very little inner action. Emailing a friend or posting a blog entry will probably feel much richer, and help us feel much closer, than being up close and impersonal. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Because extroversion lines up so well with American values, we introverts often deprive ourselves of what we most enjoy and thrive on. So, for all of you who draw energy from inside, behind, underneath, or away from it all, welcome home. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Secondly, extroverts often incorrectly assume that introverts are suffering. Introverts internalize problems; we like to take things inside and work on them there. Extroverts prefer to externalize and deal with problems interactively. Because of this difference, introverts may seem psychologically burdened, while extroverts spread the burden around and seem healthier - from an extroverted standpoint. But note that I said introverts like to take problems inside. Sure, an introvert can overdo it, but so can the extrovert who feels compelled to express every unresolved thought or emotion. The former gets depressed or anxious and goes to therapy; the latter sends others to therapy. — Laurie A. Helgoe

While the introvert is reflecting on the question (thinking first), the extrovert takes this as an invitation to fill the void (talking first). As long as the introvert doesn't interrupt, the extrovert continues to fill the interpersonal space with talk. But as long as the extrovert talks, the introvert can't think and stays mute. Mute means the invitation is still open, and continued talk assures that the introvert remains mute. By the time the extrovert pauses to ask, the introvert's head is pounding and he or she just wants to get out so she can think. The extrovert just assumes the introvert had nothing to say, and moves on. — Laurie A. Helgoe

It is impossible to fully and fairly understand introversion without looking inside. We aren't just going away, we're going toward something. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Introverts paradoxically pull away from culture and create culture. — Laurie A. Helgoe

I am rarely bored alone; I am often bored in groups and crowds. — Laurie A. Helgoe

One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul, and yet no one ever comes to sit by it. - Vincent Van Gogh — Laurie A. Helgoe

Solitude became, for me, an interesting mosaic of broken pieces, a place where the neglected parts of myself get collected - for better and for worse, sometimes barely tolerated and sometimes arranged into lovely patterns. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Where else but cyberspace does the introvert have the opportunity to start in our comfort zone of written communication and talk later? — Laurie A. Helgoe

To express want is to own the desire, to stand in your own reality. The easier alternative is the language of impairment: "I can't come because I'm run down, overworked, under the gun, tired, sick, or not up to it." The underlying message is, "I cannot attend because I am impaired," rather than the more honest and self-respecting response: "I choose to not attend because I prefer the other option. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Is it better to part with your introversion or to accept a diagnosis that allows you to have it as long as you see it as a problem? The introverted child's plea for solitude seems to be either unheeded or treated. — Laurie A. Helgoe

If you are drawn to the refined, take up calligraphy or grow a bonsai. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Regardless of how dead we feel in a crowd, we cling to the uniquely American assumption that associating is good and necessary and solitude is suspect. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Our challenge as introverts is to adopt the attitude, based on the introversion assumption, that your need to retreat requires no explanation - it is self-evident. — Laurie A. Helgoe

The extrovert assumption is so woven into the fabric of our culture that an employee may suffer reprimands for keeping his door closed (that is, if he is one of the lucky ones who has a door), for not lunching with other staff members, or for missing the weekend golf game or any number of supposedly morale-boosting celebrations. Half. More than half of us don't want to play. We don't see the point. For us, an office potluck will not provide satisfying human contact - we'd much rather meet a friend for an intimate conversation (even if that friend is a coworker). For us, the gathering will not boost morale - and will probably leave us resentful that we stayed an extra hour to eat stale cookies and make small talk. For us, talking with coworkers does not benefit our work - it sidetracks us. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Online friends networks and dating sites, like the coffeehouse, are responding to the needs of introverts. We can write, not talk. We can get to the good stuff, and we can press delete as needed. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Most of us have had the experience of creating beauty, whether by cleaning a room, planting a bed of flowers or hanging a painting. Our first impulse is to say, "Come and see! Look what I did!" Though it may be a long time since mom or dad came to see, we still have the need to share - to be seen, acknowledged, appreciated. But it's more than approval we seek; we want to extend the joy. We want someone to help us make it more real, to linger with us in the warmth. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Beware of extroverts in retreat center clothing! — Laurie A. Helgoe

We have an assumption here in America that the kind thing to do is to be "friendly," which means being extroverted, even intrusive. The Japanese assume the opposite: being kind means holding back. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Let's clear one thing up: Introverts do not hate small talk because we dislike people. We hate small talk because we hate the barrier it creates between people. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Although most introverts seek time alone as an alternative to people and competition, solitude is a power source for the introvert. And for someone wanting to exert control, solitude is indeed threatening. Many sales schemes rely on "today only" impulse purchases because "sleeping on it" will help you realize that you don't need the product. Cults gain their power by depriving members of any time alone. Clients in my office comment on what a difference it makes to have time to think, and value psychotherapy for its attention to inner processes. — Laurie A. Helgoe

A good rule of thumb is that any environment that consistently leaves you feeling bad about who you are is the wrong environment. — Laurie A. Helgoe

If a child stays quiet in the context of extroverted friends, or even prefers time alone, a parent may worry and even send her to therapy. She might be thrilled - she'll finally get to talk about the stuff she cares about, and without interruption! But if the therapist concludes that the child has a social phobia, the treatment of choice is to increasingly expose her to the situations she fears. This behavioral treatment is effective for treating phobias - if that is truly the problem. If it's not the problem, and the child just likes hanging out inside better than chatting, she'll have a problem soon. Her "illness" now will be an internalized self-reproach: "Why don't I enjoy this like everyone else?" The otherwise carefree child learns that something is wrong with her. She not only is pulled away from her home, she is supposed to like it. Now she is anxious and unhappy, confirming the suspicion that she has a problem. — Laurie A. Helgoe

QUIET IS MIGHT.
SOLITUDE IS STRENGTH.
INTROVERSION IS POWER. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Introverts tend to internalize problems. In other words, we place the source of problems within and blame ourselves. Though introverts may also externalize and see others as the problem, it's more convenient to keep the problem "in house." Internalizers tend to be reliable and responsible, but we can also be very hard on ourselves. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Prefer spacious interactions with fewer people. And it means that, when you converse, you are more interested in sharing ideas than in talking about people and what they're doing. In a conversation with someone sharing gossip, the introvert's eyes glaze over and his brow furrows as he tries to comprehend how this conversation could interest anyone. This is not because the introvert is morally superior - he just doesn't get it. As we've discussed, introverts are energized and excited by ideas. Simply talking about people, what they do and who they know, is noise for the introvert. He'll be looking between the lines for some meaning, and this can be hard work! Before long, he'll be looking for a way out of the conversation. But when an introvert is hanging out — Laurie A. Helgoe

Though introverts are drained by interaction, we can take immense pleasure in watching the scene around us. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Introvert integrity means going the distance for what we love: moving from apology to acceptance, from acceptance to acknowledgement, and from acknowledgment to activism. — Laurie A. Helgoe

I will say that the socially oblivious extroverts do not represent the whole. As with introverts, social skills are independent of extroversion: some are skilled, some are not. The skilled ones know how to listen. But in contrast to socially unskilled introverts, who keep to themselves, socially unskilled extroverts insist on socializing. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Extroverts want us to have fun, because they assume we want what they want. And sometimes we do. But "fun" itself is a "bright" word, the kind of word that comes with flashing lights and an exclamation point! One of Merriam-Webster's definitions of "fun" is "violent or excited activity or argument." The very word makes me want to sit in a dimly lit room with lots of pillows - by myself. — Laurie A. Helgoe

For introverts, the best associations start with ideas. If you don't feel a part of your neighborhood association or the happy hour regulars after work, don't force it. The community that surrounds you may not be your community. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Think of a group of Extrovert Moms gathered together at a Little League game, excitedly chatting and enjoying the action. In comes Introvert Mom who, after a full day of work, wants nothing more than to savor the game - all by herself. She sits off a bit from everyone else, stretching her feet onto the bleacher bench, and may even have a book to indulge in as the team warms up. She might enjoy watching the people around her, but she has no energy to interact. What are the Extrovert Moms thinking? Because they are oriented to people, they will likely assume that Introvert Mom is, too - which means they see Introvert Mom as not liking people (what we know now as asocial) or being a "snob," thinking she's too good for the Extrovert Moms. More likely, Introvert Mom is not thinking about them at all! She is just doing something she likes to do. — Laurie A. Helgoe

In an extroverted society, we rarely see ourselves in the mirror. We get alienating feedback. Alienating feedback comes in the form of repeated encouragement to join or talk, puzzled expressions, well-intended concern, and sometimes, all-out pointing and laughing. Alienating feedback happens when we hear statements like, "What kind of loser would be home on a Saturday night?" Alienating feedback happens where neighborhoods, schools, and offices provide no place to retreat. Alienating feedback happens when our quiet spaces and wilderness sanctuaries are seen as places to colonize. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Draw on the following Bill of Rights for support: Unless someone is bleeding or choking or otherwise at risk of imminent demise, you have a right to think about it. Someone else's pressure is their pressure. You have a right to let them keep it. If someone makes a request and demands an immediate response, say "no." It is easier to change a "no" to a "yes" than it is to get out of something. You have a right not to know until you know, especially when you're asked a big question. We all carry around a sense of knowing - that internal, inexplicable sense of when something is or isn't right, but we can't access that sense while under pressure. You have a right to obtain more information. If you don't know, find out more. You do not have to jump in with affirming comments when you don't feel it. You have a right to remain silent. Flow — Laurie A. Helgoe

Introvert conversations are like jazz, where each player gets to solo for a nice stretch before the other player comes in and does his solo. And like jazz, once we get going, we can play all night. Extrovert conversations are more like tennis matches, where thoughts are batted back and forth, and players need to be ready to respond. Introverts get winded pretty quickly. — Laurie A. Helgoe

When introverts sense invasion, we instinctively shut down to protect our inner resources. But in doing so, we lose access to ourselves. From this defensive position, we may feel that our only options are to practice extroversion, go underground, or go crazy. — Laurie A. Helgoe

James W. Pennebaker and his associates at the University of Texas have conducted extensive research on the benefits of journaling. His findings: if you want relief, write about your most upsetting experiences, write through the pain, and connect painful events with your life story. — Laurie A. Helgoe

Isn't it refreshing to know that what comes perfectly natural for you is your greatest strength? Your power is in your nature. You may not think it's a big deal that you can spend hours immersed in something that interests you - alone - but the extrovert next door has no idea how you do it. — Laurie A. Helgoe

This is why it is sometimes hard for introverts to find words: we really hate to compromise, and words are always a compromise. — Laurie A. Helgoe

When an introvert cares about someone, she also wants contact, not so much to keep up with the events of the other person's life, but to keep up with what's inside: the evolution of ideas, values, thoughts, and feelings. — Laurie A. Helgoe

For introverts, who have limited energy for interaction, we need to be more thoughtful and deliberate about whom we meet - which, happily, is what we do best. — Laurie A. Helgoe