Daniel Tosh Quotes & Sayings

Comedy Central wanted to do a show with me, I had a couple failures under my belt with them already, but they still wanted to try something else. They came to me and said they wanted to do something that was internet focused and created original content on their site, so they could compete with the funny or dies and what not. So that was the premise, and they gave us a small amount of money, $5000, and from there it turned into the show. — Daniel Tosh

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you? — Daniel Tosh

I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check. — Daniel Tosh

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap. — Daniel Tosh

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere. — Daniel Tosh

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up? — Daniel Tosh

I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?! — Daniel Tosh

Every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished. My grandkids are playing with my balls, they can't figure it out. They're like, 'What are these things?' I'm like, 'It's your future, read the chart.' They don't stop growing; they're like earlobes. That joke was inspired by a door that wasn't locked when I was 11. — Daniel Tosh

Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's. — Daniel Tosh

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars. — Daniel Tosh

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button. — Daniel Tosh

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary. — Daniel Tosh

Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I'm gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations. — Daniel Tosh

Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad. — Daniel Tosh

It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul. — Daniel Tosh

The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships; it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial. — Daniel Tosh

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender. — Daniel Tosh

Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party. — Daniel Tosh

I'm not honest, but you're interesting! — Daniel Tosh

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise ... Sleeping through it. — Daniel Tosh

I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that. — Daniel Tosh

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts. — Daniel Tosh

E foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends. — Daniel Tosh

Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.' — Daniel Tosh

It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me. — Daniel Tosh

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background? — Daniel Tosh

I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range. — Daniel Tosh

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag. — Daniel Tosh

I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare. — Daniel Tosh

Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off - don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell. — Daniel Tosh

You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live
your dream. — Daniel Tosh

There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson. — Daniel Tosh

Even people who don't believe in science still have to believe in gravity. — Daniel Tosh

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod? — Daniel Tosh

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida. — Daniel Tosh

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive. — Daniel Tosh

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension. — Daniel Tosh

I mean my goal is to get Michael Richards to do stand up at the Laugh Factory to an all black audience. — Daniel Tosh

I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What would Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent them all to Hell. — Daniel Tosh

Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past. — Daniel Tosh

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys. — Daniel Tosh

I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit. — Daniel Tosh

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun. — Daniel Tosh

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets. — Daniel Tosh

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it. — Daniel Tosh

Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans. — Daniel Tosh

Sometimes I cross my own line ... it's how I know I still have one. — Daniel Tosh

The most important part of any CrossFit workout is posting about it endlessly on social media. How about you just brag about all the kettlebell burpees you did to the other whackos in your cult? — Daniel Tosh

Much like Down Syndrome, red hair is a genetic mutation, and it occurs when a human has unprotected sex with a clown. — Daniel Tosh

I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist. — Daniel Tosh

I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave. — Daniel Tosh

I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly. — Daniel Tosh

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die ... not sorry. — Daniel Tosh

Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure. — Daniel Tosh

The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth. — Daniel Tosh

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon. — Daniel Tosh

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough. — Daniel Tosh

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it. — Daniel Tosh

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse. — Daniel Tosh

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence. — Daniel Tosh

I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. — Daniel Tosh

This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates. — Daniel Tosh

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I. — Daniel Tosh

Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English. — Daniel Tosh

If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane. — Daniel Tosh

I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts. — Daniel Tosh

Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair. — Daniel Tosh

Oh, southern rappers ... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words. — Daniel Tosh

You are a sick freak who should be beaten. — Daniel Tosh

Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot. — Daniel Tosh

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies! — Daniel Tosh

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them. — Daniel Tosh

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. — Daniel Tosh

There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she's about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? Unfortunately no, there's no excuse. You're going to have to let her drown that third one. — Daniel Tosh

If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders. — Daniel Tosh

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets. — Daniel Tosh

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body. — Daniel Tosh

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun. — Daniel Tosh

Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis. — Daniel Tosh

Am I the only person who hopes that David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen before one of them is out of their prime. Can you imagine those two men together making love? If there's a man in here that's junk doesn't wiggle just a little bit at the thought of those two men together - this has nothing to do with your homophobic sexual preference. At that level it's art, you monkey. You should be honored that you share the same restroom with those Greek gods. — Daniel Tosh

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all — Daniel Tosh

Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him. — Daniel Tosh

The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog. — Daniel Tosh

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love. — Daniel Tosh

How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other. — Daniel Tosh

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl. — Daniel Tosh

If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest. — Daniel Tosh

I guess it could be seen as a form of rebellion, but (my dad) is pretty supportive. He's knows I'm just an idiot, so I think that softens it a little bit. — Daniel Tosh

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, Hey, at least I'm not pregnant — Daniel Tosh

I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances. — Daniel Tosh

I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me. — Daniel Tosh

I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities. — Daniel Tosh

I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences. — Daniel Tosh

Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.' — Daniel Tosh

I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.' — Daniel Tosh

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best. — Daniel Tosh

I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets. — Daniel Tosh

I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so ... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities. — Daniel Tosh

I like my women like I like my coffee. I don't like coffee. — Daniel Tosh

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can't function in normal society because most of you are too stupid. — Daniel Tosh