Craig Ferguson Quotes & Sayings

The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful. — Craig Ferguson

I like to believe that there is an extra warm corner of hell for these fuckers who traffic in emotional misery. — Craig Ferguson

Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane. — Craig Ferguson

I have a beard. Just not on my face ... — Craig Ferguson

Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he's got what it takes to be a priest - or an interior decorator. — Craig Ferguson

For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids — Craig Ferguson

I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear - we looked like marbles smugglers. — Craig Ferguson

The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men. — Craig Ferguson

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing. — Craig Ferguson

Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of what if when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized. — Craig Ferguson

Democrats in state legislatures are at their lowest level since the 1920s. President Obama has a can't-miss strategy to save the party in 2016. He's leaving. — Craig Ferguson

I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.' — Craig Ferguson

That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself. — Craig Ferguson

I did have a love for literature that overpowered my hatred of the people who taught it, and I think because I had no respect for the teachers, their attitude didn't poison the writing that I was discovering for myself. — Craig Ferguson

If you don't vote, you're a moron. — Craig Ferguson

He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs. — Craig Ferguson

I used to believe, like many people who come from poor backgrounds, that it gave me an edge, but I think that's just something we have to tell ourselves to get by sometimes. I don't believe that anymore. Children of privilege can be just as talented and clever as anybody else. — Craig Ferguson

I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck. — Craig Ferguson

I hope what I do has an art to it, and as an artist you have to try new things and keep yourself entertained. — Craig Ferguson

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true.
In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical. — Craig Ferguson

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy. — Craig Ferguson

Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don't need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts. — Craig Ferguson

I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think. — Craig Ferguson

Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men ... Nah. — Craig Ferguson

You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass. — Craig Ferguson

It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe ... — Craig Ferguson

When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we'd get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him. — Craig Ferguson

Sarah Palin is speaking out about the oil spill. She said, I'm not kidding, we should ask the Dutch for help with the spill because the Dutch have the world's best dikes. So let me get this straight. It is OK to cover lesbians in oil but you just can't let them get married. — Craig Ferguson

I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love. — Craig Ferguson

I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don't know for sure. — Craig Ferguson

With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you're parodying. — Craig Ferguson

Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something. — Craig Ferguson

Some people take the spelling bee very seriously. These people are called "parents of children in the spelling bee." They're trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words. — Craig Ferguson

I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice. — Craig Ferguson

The truth is, you win the Lotto. That's really how you have to approach it. You're a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes. — Craig Ferguson

What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the Shawshank Redemption of late night! — Craig Ferguson

A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts. — Craig Ferguson

People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden." — Craig Ferguson

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians. — Craig Ferguson

I only like sports that Bond villains played. — Craig Ferguson

You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex. — Craig Ferguson

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble. — Craig Ferguson

Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012 — Craig Ferguson

A lot of people in their 30's get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television. — Craig Ferguson

My father had a very unusual psychic ability, he could detect water. It's called divining. He would use a Y-shaped U-branch, and he could find water with that, which is a very impressive skill in a country where it rains 365 days of the year. — Craig Ferguson

There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin. — Craig Ferguson

Being the executive producer of a film is not that difficult. It just means that you have some power. There's not a huge amount of skill involved, I don't know how much I'm giving away here. I feel like that guy on Fox, giving away the magicians' tricks. It's not rocket science, being an executive producer of a film. — Craig Ferguson

A new study says by 2030 household robots will dominate every phase of our lives. The study says the No. 1 field for robot growth is medicine. That makes sense. Robots already perform well in surgery. That is, until there is a power outage. Then it's just a coat rack leaning over you as you bleed to death. — Craig Ferguson

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure. — Craig Ferguson

Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies. — Craig Ferguson

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year. — Craig Ferguson

Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, 'We really should change the curtains.' — Craig Ferguson

World War Z is out today. The big zombie movie. The trailer looks scary. You see hordes of bodies climbing and rolling over each other. It's like Black Friday at the mall. — Craig Ferguson

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's. — Craig Ferguson

Great, as long as you're happy — Craig Ferguson

The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they're going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket. — Craig Ferguson

Stand by your bed and salute me. — Craig Ferguson

Violence of any kind, once it starts, is like fucking a gorilla-you ain't done till
the gorilla's done. — Craig Ferguson

Ros was dead.
He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall. — Craig Ferguson

Well, everyone, welcome to Shark Week. Oh that's on CBS and there's been a lot of cutbacks, so it's just Friday night for a couple of minutes. And we don't have any sharks, just an immigrant with a puppet. Hey, but it's a start! — Craig Ferguson

Sophie thought about Frank's cock sometimes, how famous it was. Not as famous as his voice, sure, but famous in cock terms. Most cocks were seen by only a handful of people: Mom, Dad, creepy uncle, priest, bunkmates, and lovers. Frank's cock had been seen by thousands of showgirls. It was a well-known cock; more than well known, it was a star. Jesus, Frank's cock probably had anecdotes. — Craig Ferguson

Be careful who you choose as your hero or who you choose to deify, be it Clay Aiken or Barack Obama. You put all you're hope and all your dreams and all your ideas about stuff into one human being. They're a human being they're going to let you down.
You can't make someone your hero because of something you read on the internet. The internet is not a source of information it is a source of disinformation. — Craig Ferguson

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it. — Craig Ferguson

I am reasonably happy. I didn't find Jesus or anything like that. Part of it is that I just feel that I could go home. I did not feel like that for a long time, but I could go back now. — Craig Ferguson

Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations. — Craig Ferguson

From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street. — Craig Ferguson

People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid. — Craig Ferguson

Valentine's Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight. — Craig Ferguson

During the cold war, West Berlin was an exclave - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas. — Craig Ferguson

A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre. — Craig Ferguson

Justin Bieber's tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana. — Craig Ferguson

I don't drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it's known in Mexico: 'food.' — Craig Ferguson

I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again. — Craig Ferguson

The virus in the movie 'Contagion' is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I'm talking about President Obama. — Craig Ferguson

Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office ... You mean the one on the sofa? — Craig Ferguson

Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one. — Craig Ferguson

The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through. — Craig Ferguson

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck. — Craig Ferguson

Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN. — Craig Ferguson

Sometimes people think you're smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else. — Craig Ferguson

I took the sleeper out of Glasgow, and as the smelly old train bumped out of Central Station and across the Jamaica Street Bridge, I stared out at the orange halogen streetlamps reflected in the black water of the river Clyde. I gazed at the crumbling Victorian buildings that would soon be sandblasted and renovated into yuppie hutches. I watched the revelers and rascals traverse the shiny wet streets. I thought of the thrill and danger of my youth and the fear and frustration of my adult life thus far. I thought of the failure of my marriage and my failures as a man. I saw all this through my reflection in the nighttime window.
Down the tracks I went, hardly aware that I was going further south with every passing second. — Craig Ferguson

I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't. — Craig Ferguson

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you'll make it. — Craig Ferguson

I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill. — Craig Ferguson

There are plans for a new high-speed train between Los Angeles and San Francisco. It will make the trip time 30 minutes. People in L.A. are like, Yes! And people in San Francisco are like, Yeah, sure, great. We look forward to seeing you. — Craig Ferguson

The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It's difficult to tell. — Craig Ferguson

When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die. — Craig Ferguson

It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear. — Craig Ferguson

President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke. — Craig Ferguson

A number of U.S. colleges are going to start having dorms for alcoholics. I believe those are called dorms. — Craig Ferguson

Fat is where comedy is stored, — Craig Ferguson

I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing me. — Craig Ferguson

Saudia Arabia takes in half a trillion dollars every year in oil revenue, and the country has a population smaller than New York state, but when your system of government is an eleventh century monarchy, someone's going to end up poor, and it's not gonna be the guy whose first name is King. — Craig Ferguson

When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English. — Craig Ferguson

If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone. — Craig Ferguson

The Universe is very, very big. — Craig Ferguson

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar. — Craig Ferguson

Fraser's mother, Janice, was actually quite a happy soul but she had to hide it because, like all pseudo intellectuals, she thought being cheery made her look stupid, which of course she was for believing that rubbish in the first place.
She like to talk about Sartre sometimes, just as insurance. — Craig Ferguson

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me. — Craig Ferguson

I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction ... And the only customer. — Craig Ferguson