Cory O'Brien Quotes & Sayings

Hey, is there a female version of wingman? Wingwoman sounds awkward. I'm coining a new phrase: Titcaptain. Tell your friends. — Cory O'Brien

So considering how the current official religion of China seems to be something like "Stand still while we bulldoze your house to build this dam" it's hard to put a finger on the relationship between ancient Chinese tales and any specific religion. — Cory O'Brien

No, see what I'm trying to say is that I watch people organizing themselves into these neat little conflicts: Atheists versus Christians Jews versus Muslims Fundamentalists versus basically everybody and I feel like a kid in a broken home who can't get Mom and Dad to stop fighting. The assumption that every one of these groups is making - and I think it's important to acknowledge that every group, from scientist to Sikh, assumes this - is that they are right. That they are somehow behaving rationally. But the fact that we can get so angry about this stuff means that it's not rational and I think we could get a hell of a lot further by synthesizing these beliefs than by finding more and more nuanced ways to call each other dicks. — Cory O'Brien

He calls up all the gods like "HEY, GUYS YOU SHOULD COME OVER I'M HAVING A WEIRD COFFIN PARTY."

And all the gods are like "Oh s**t, weird coffin party. We'll be right over."

So they all get there and Set is like "All right I made this coffin. Whoever fits perfectly inside it gets candy. — Cory O'Brien

So Isis shows up in Byblos like "Hey queen my husband is embedded in your palace may I please extract him?"
And the queen is like "sure, go ahead. It's not like he's a major structural support or anything, right?" and Isis is like "haha, sucker".
And she goes and removes the pillar WITHOUT DAMAGING THE PALACE AT ALL
Thus inventing Jenga. — Cory O'Brien

So the moral of the story
is that God hates vegetarians. — Cory O'Brien

So Custer's Indian scouts get him to the village but they're like "Dude, don't attack this you will definitely die" and Custer is like "DIE? MORE LIKE . . . NOT DIE" and his translators and his soldiers are like "No bro pretty sure we will actually die if we do this" and Custer is like "I appreciate your concerns but I did not get this far by listening to people. LET'S SPLIT UP, GANG WE'LL COVER MORE GROUND THAT WAY. — Cory O'Brien

So he calls up Loki like "LOKI SOLVE MY PROBLEMS WITH GIANTS." And Loki is like "What? Why?" And Odin is like "REMEMBER HOW WE HAVE AN OATH OF KINSHIP THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT I SAY?" And Loki is like "Oh yeah. Why did we do that again?" And Odin is like "NO TIME FOR QUESTIONS. STALL THAT GIANT. — Cory O'Brien

See, this is what the United States of America is all about.
You can wrestle a thousand bears and chew on a billion knives but in the end, you are only as good as the dude who stops you from dying of a gunshot while fucking a coyote. — Cory O'Brien

BUT ENOUGH SPIRITUALITY. BACK TO TITS AND BAD DECISIONS. — Cory O'Brien

So the moral of the story is that the primary ingredient for a successful nation is guns. — Cory O'Brien

(He tells fortunes by throwing palm nuts and reading their patterns but I failed to clarify that because I was looking for an excuse to write "stare at my nuts.") — Cory O'Brien

Dionysus the god of drinking so hard you wake up with TWO hangovers and then they FIGHT. — Cory O'Brien

Is it just me, or is spooge the single least attractive synonym for dickglue? — Cory O'Brien

[...]when everybody starts laughing at Ra's old hair and senility he gets real pissed and when you are a god and you are real pissed there is only one solution, my friends: GENOCIDE. — Cory O'Brien

the first thing that's gonna tip everyone off that the world is ending is this thing called Fimbulvetr which just means THE WINTER OF WINTERS and that is exactly what it is. It is a winter MADE OF MULTIPLE WINTERS like, there is going to be a winter and then once that winter is finished there will be ANOTHER WINTER. And then after that maybe it will be spring? Think again, son. MORE WINTER. — Cory O'Brien

So, basically, what it all comes down to is that we are made of tears from the disembodied eyeball of a guy who fucks his own shadow and surrounds himself with spit and puke.
I'm gonna go cry now.
I hope it doesn't turn it into babies. — Cory O'Brien

Loki sees her and he is like "Oh man that chick looks like she is about to get some TREASURE I want to RUIN THAT ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR HER because I am Loki and that is what I DO. — Cory O'Brien

and Enkidu shows up like "Dude what the hell are you doing?
WANNA BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER INSTEAD?"
And Gilgamesh is like "YESSSS."
so they punch at each other until they get tired of gargling their own teeth and then decide to be BFFs.
I am not a scientist, but this may be why women live longer than men. — Cory O'Brien

and Thor really likes hair, I guess
so he gets SUPER ANGRY
and he chases down Loki and is like "Hey
how about I cut of all of your FACE?!"
and Loki is like "But I need my face
for making infuriating smirks with! — Cory O'Brien

Narcissus is gorgeous. Like, imagine if someone could look exactly like bacon tastes and you have a pretty good picture of Narcissus (unless you're a vegetarian). — Cory O'Brien

Throughout this section, I'm gonna be calling the United States of America "AMERICA" and you are going to deal with this because America is just flat out easier to type than "The States" or "The U.S. of A." or "That Big Basket of Jerks under Canada — Cory O'Brien

Like, a flood seems like a great way to punish every living creature in the world except for fish. What the hell is a god supposed to do when all the FISH start being assholes? — Cory O'Brien

THIS IS WHAT TOM CRUISE BELIEVES IN — Cory O'Brien

That's all any of these myths have been trying to do. To take a huge, terrifying phenomenon, something you can only stare at and go "whoa", and turn it into something more our size. Something we can fit inside our puny brains. Something really cool, even: a story. — Cory O'Brien

So as our story begins everything is going pretty good
the giants are leaving everyone alone for a minute
and everything is pretty okay
so obviously Odin has to go and fuck it all up by making a shitty deal with a giant. — Cory O'Brien

So Loki
(the god of being a needless prick all the time) — Cory O'Brien

And then Loki gets jealous of how pretty Thor is and is like "I wanna dress up too. — Cory O'Brien

So basically
be careful never to be too awesome
or you will be mysteriously executed
just like Martin Luther King
and Gandhi
and Abraham Lincoln
and JFK
and Malcolm X
and Sitting Bull
and Crazy Horse
and... wow
why are we so mean to our best people? — Cory O'Brien