Christopher Moore Quotes & Sayings

Not yet!" said she [Goneril], trying to roll me over and get back to smacking my bum.
She honked my codpiece.
You honked my codpiece."
Aye, give it up, fool." [ ... ] — Christopher Moore

Apologies, one loses perspective after spending a week in a brothel. — Christopher Moore

As much as I encourage communication with my readers, I don't want reviews from them, simply because I don't need to be hamstrung in the middle of working on something. — Christopher Moore

She had a lot of nerve signing her note "Love." [ ... ] But she did sign it that way: "Love." What did that mean? Did she mean it, or was it habit? She probably signed all of her letters with "Love." Dear Insured, We are sorry but your policy will not pay for your barium enema as it was done for recreational purposes. Love, Jody. Claims Dept ...
Maybe not. — Christopher Moore

So Now You're Death: Here's What You'll Need — Christopher Moore

So, have you seen Flood?" she asked. "Cop?" She added "cop" with a high pop on the p, like it was a punctuation mark, not a profession — Christopher Moore

I gave you all!" screeched Lear, waving a palsied claw at Regan.
"And you took your bloody time giving it, too, you senile old fuck," said Regan. — Christopher Moore

No, you don't understand, young man. You couldn't understand. Emily was my life. I got up in the morning for her, I went to work for her, I built a business for her. I couldn't wait to get home at night to tell her about my day. I went to bed with her and I dreamed about her when I slept. She was my passion, my wife, my best friend, the love of my life. And one day, without warning, she was gone and my life is a void. You couldn't possibly understand. — Christopher Moore

I have that special sort of novelist body of knowledge which is extraordinarily wide and very, very shallow. So I can usually answer the questions on 'Jeopardy,' but never the bonus question. — Christopher Moore

When it appeared that even the most passive-aggressive attempts would not work, Charlie resorted to the ultimate Beta Male Attack, which was to tolerate Alvin and Mohammed's presence, but to resent the hell out of them and drop snide remarks whenever he had the chance. — Christopher Moore

About to be hanged is my status quo, not a condition that requires your repair. — Christopher Moore

We looked not at each other, and neither at the ground, but at a place in space a few feet from our faces, where I suppose one looks for a clear answer to appear out of undefined shock. — Christopher Moore

That was supposed to be the whole purpose of the Internet, you know. To share scientific information."
"Not a Viagra- and porn-delivery system? — Christopher Moore

the preferable way to treat one another is with love and kindness; that pursuit of material gain is ultimately empty when measured against eternity; and that somehow, as human beings, we are all connected spiritually. — Christopher Moore

One of them hissed-not the hiss of a cat, a long, steady tone-more like the hiss of air escaping the rubber raft that is all that lies between you and a dark sea full of sharks, the hiss of your life leaking out at the seams. — Christopher Moore

He was a writer and words were his weapons. — Christopher Moore

Is "ho" always feminine, and "muthafucka" always masculine, while "bitch" can be either? How — Christopher Moore

Everything in Venice is just a little bit creepy, as much as it's beautiful. — Christopher Moore

I fear you may become a lonely man, even in the company of others. — Christopher Moore

If it be not destiny, then surely there is plausible deniability, which in the parlance of politics is the same thing. — Christopher Moore

It wasn't so much like the hands of time had stood still here, more like they'd been thrown in the air in exasperation, the clock declaring whatever! I'm outta here. — Christopher Moore

You're trying to be tricky. What's morality?"
"It's the difference between what's right and what you can rationalize."
"Must be a human thing."
"Exactly. — Christopher Moore

Life is loneliness, broken only by the gods taunting us with friendship and the odd bonk — Christopher Moore

Funny how easy heartbreak can come. I've always had a talent for it. — Christopher Moore

Fate does not favor the dim. — Christopher Moore

(For what is curiosity if not intellectual temptation? And what progress is there without curiosity?) — Christopher Moore

The reason I'm writing funny books is that I wish there were more. — Christopher Moore

He invented Kung Fu when translated to English means method by which short, bald guys can kick the bejeezus out of you. — Christopher Moore

I didn't do anything. I didn't move a thing, I didn't touch a thing, I didn't change a thing. Believers do everything. — Christopher Moore

When war makes commerce and commerce is law, profit rules prudence and justice is flawed. — Christopher Moore

She have to go pick up prescription, so I watch Sophie for short time. And tiny bears are happy when I go in bathroom."
"Hamsters, Mrs. Korjev, not bears."
...
"I've got her now," Charlie said. "One of you stay with her while I get rid of the H-A-M-S-T-E-R-S."
"He mean the tiny bears. — Christopher Moore

Crimson, made from the blood of Romanian virgins."
"Really?" said Henri. his head was spinning and he had to lean on his cane to steady himself.
"No, not really. But it is Romanian. Made from beetles handpicked from the roots of weeds near Bucharest. but they are ugly beetles. They might be virgins. I wouldn't fuck them. You want some? — Christopher Moore

I think beta males on an evolutionary basis are much more successful than the alpha males are. You don't hear much about us, but there's a lot more of us out there. — Christopher Moore

Tommy, I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone before. If you repeat it, I'll deny I said it. Five years ago I saw a white owl with a seventy-foot wingspan swoop out of the sky and pluck a demon off a hillside and take off into the sky."
"I heard that cops get the best drugs," Tommy said. — Christopher Moore

Accepting death folds the soul, tempers and layers it like a Damascus blade. When I'd thrown myself into the canal in grief, only to be pulled out by the Moor, I'd become colder, more durable. — Christopher Moore

Sweetheart, wake up; you've destroyed the house and I need you to suffer for it. — Christopher Moore

I wanted a trumpet concerto that reflected Native American music because, well, there aren't any. I looked around for one but couldn't find anything. So it's a wide-open field. — Christopher Moore

Like most Beta Males, he didn't realize that being a good guy was not necessarily an attraction to women. — Christopher Moore

Justice favors the favored sons. — Christopher Moore

You are my desire.
Eating your luscious love thoughts
My Junk Just Dropped Off — Christopher Moore

What do you want?"
"Spain"
"Fuck! — Christopher Moore

The snail, presumably, to bolster the self-esteem of the turtles: "You think we're slow? Look at that guy." To shore up the snail's morale in the same way, there was a rock. Everyone is happier if they have someone to look down on, as well as someone to look up to, especially if they resent both. This is not only the Beta Male strategy for survival, but the basis for capitalism, democracy, and most religions. — Christopher Moore

Trust your faith, Peter," I yelled. "If you doubt you won't be able to do it." Then Peter stepped with both feet onto the surface of the water, and for a split second he stood there. And we were all amazed. "Hey, I'm - " Then he sank like a stone. He came up sputtering. We were all doubled over giggling, and even Joshua had sunk up to his ankles, he was laughing so hard. "I can't believe you fell for that," said Joshua. He ran across the water and helped us pull Peter into the boat. "Peter, you're as dumb as a box of rocks. But what amazing faith you have. I'm going to build my church on this box of rocks." "You would have Peter build your church?" asked Philip. "Because he tried to walk on the water." "Would you have tried it?" asked Joshua. "Of course not," said Philip. "I can't swim. — Christopher Moore

Moses should have said Let my people go. Please. — Christopher Moore

Everyone thinks that it was the big strong caveman who got the girl, and for the most part, that may have been true, but physical strength doesn't explain how our species created civilization. I think there was always some scrawny dreamer sitting at the edge of the firelight, who had the ability to imagine dangers, to look into the future in his imagination and see possibilities, and therefore survived to pass his genes on to the next generation. When the big ape men ended up running off the cliff or getting killed while trying to beat a mastodon into submission with a stick, the dreamer was standing back thinking 'Hey, that might work, but you need to run the mastodon off the cliff.' And, then he'd mate with the women left over after the go-getters got killed. — Christopher Moore

All fear comes from trying to see the future, Biff. If you know what is coming, you aren't afraid. — Christopher Moore

Foo shuddered. It had been less than an hour since the cops led Abby away and already he missed her like a severed limb. It was embarrassing. How could hormones and hydrostatic pressure make you feel like this? Love was very unscientific. — Christopher Moore

Growl, you live in a slime lair and maintain an identity as the mysterious overlord of an undersea city, you command a fleet of meat dreadnaughts with crews of humanoid whale people, and you're currently reclining in a pulsating mass of gelatinous goo that looks like it escaped from hell's own Jell-O mold
so excuse the fuck out of me if I question your motives. — Christopher Moore

I was seven before I realized that you could eat breakfast with your pants on. — Christopher Moore

A little mucus is nothing against the power of the Lord. — Christopher Moore

Quoi?" she had said, in perfect fucking French. — Christopher Moore

There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon. — Christopher Moore

It had been less than an hour since the cops led Abby away and already he missed her like a severed limb. It was embarrassing. How could hormones and hydrostatic pressure make you feel like this? Love — Christopher Moore

This Roberto. He no like the light. — Christopher Moore

You know what? You know what? You know what?' I was waving my finger under her nose. 'You scratched the Son of God. That's your ass, that's what. — Christopher Moore

The Colorman slid off the morgue slab to the cold floor. Bullets pooped from his wounds and plopped on the stone as he limped naked around the room looking for something to wear. All the dead were either naked, too ripe, or too tall for him to use their clothes, so he settled on a white mortician's coat that trailed out behind him as he went. The morgue attendant pretended not to see him as he passed, figuring that a spontaneous reanimation would require paperwork that he did not wish to fill out. — Christopher Moore

A theory has no better time than when it's lying there naked, pure, unsullied by facts. — Christopher Moore

You're going to break my heart, aren't you? — Christopher Moore

She pulled down the blanket and aimed baby Sophie's bottom at him like she might unleash a fusillade of weapons-grade poopage such as the guileless Beta Male had never seen. — Christopher Moore

did you just say 'gee whiz' to me? what am I, nine? I am a woman- — Christopher Moore

Inspector, there's no smoking allowed in here," said a uniformed officer who had been called to the scene.
Cavuto waved to the drawers [at the morgue]. "Do you think they mind?"
The officer shook his head. "No, sir."
Cavuto blew a stream of smoke at Gilbert [a dead guy]. "And him, do you think he minds?"
No, sir."
And you, Patrolman Jeeter, you don't mind, do you?"
Jeeter cleared his throat. "Uh ... no, sir."
Well, good," Cavuto said. "Look, on the side of the car, Jeeter. It says 'Protect and Serve' not 'Piss and Moan.'"
Yes, sir. — Christopher Moore

Then someone started pounding on the door. And not a little "Hey, what's up?" pound. Like there was a big sale on door pounds down at the Pound Outlet. Buy one, get one free at Pounds-n-Stuff.
Being the Journal of Abby Normal — Christopher Moore

Religion was supposed to be a matter of faith. Gods were not supposed to jump on your desk and snarl at you. They weren't supposed to sit in your office smoking cigarettes. God's didn't do anything. They were supposed to ignore you and let you suffer and die having never known whether your religion was a waste of time. Faith. — Christopher Moore

He's not dumb, Biff, he just has a talent for belief. — Christopher Moore

I try to stick to one, single rule, "If you don't have anything to say, shut the fuck up." I think that's in the Bible or something. — Christopher Moore

I think I'm what they call a never-was. — Christopher Moore

If you have come to these pages for laughter, may you find it.
If you are here to be offended, may your ire rise and your blood boil.
If you seek an adventure, may this song sing you away to blissful escape.
If you need to test or confirm your beliefs, may you reach comfortable conclusions.
All books reveal perfection, by what they are or what they are not.
May you find that which you seek, in these pages or outside them.
May you find perfection, and know it by name. — Christopher Moore

There's no scientific basis for zombieism
except for some experiments in the Caribbean with blowfish toxins that put people in a state of near death with almost imperceptible respiration and pulse, but there was no actual, you know, raising of the dead. — Christopher Moore

An original thought would crack your feeble skull like a thunderbolt, you craven vulture. — Christopher Moore

I think there was always some scrawny dreamer sitting at the edge of the firelight, who had the ability to imagine dangers, to look into the future in his imagination and see possibilities, and therefore survived to pass his genes on to the next generation. — Christopher Moore

Hope is bulletproof, truth just hard to hit — Christopher Moore

Green eggs, or not green eggs? That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to eat them in a box, with a fox - — Christopher Moore

Blessed are the dumbfucks. — Christopher Moore

Ten salespeople, all young, all dressed in generic cotton casual, looked up from their conversations, spotted the money in her hand, and simultaneously stopped breathing-their brains shutting down bodily functions and rerouting the needed energy to calculate the projected commissions contained in Jody's cash. One by one they resumed breathing and marched toward her, a look of dazed hunger in their eyes: a pack of zombies from the perky, youthful version of The Night of the Living Dead. "I wear a size four and I've got a date in fifteen minutes," Jody said. "Dress me." They descended on her like an evil khaki wave. — Christopher Moore

The reason I wrote 'You Suck' was that I so enjoyed spending time with Tommy and Jody. — Christopher Moore

Mr. Asher, you can resist who you are for only so long. Finally, you just decide to go with fate. — Christopher Moore

Funny how the illusion of safety can make us careless. — Christopher Moore

I would not have Drool reading Cicero or crafting clever riddles, but under my tutelage he had become more than fair at tumbling and juggling, could belch a song, and was, at court, at least as entertaining as a trained bear, with slightly less proclivity for eating the guests. With guidance, he would make a proper fool. — Christopher Moore

What this movie needs is more brain eating zombies. — Christopher Moore

The landings below the bridge were perfect alcoves for conspiracy. — Christopher Moore

You know, a vampire book is not a book to be the vehicle for big themes and stuff, where sometimes when you're dealing with art or the life of Christ or the oeuvre of Shakespeare, you know, it's a little more ambitious. — Christopher Moore

Nate had been born and raised in British Columbia, and Canadians hate, above all things, to offend. It was part of the national consciousness. "Be polite" was an unwritten, unspoken rule, but ingrained into the psyche of an entire country. (Of course, as with any rule, there were exceptions: parts of Quebec, where people maintained the "dismissive to the point of confrontation, with subsequent surrender" mind-set of the French; and hockey, in which any Canadian may, with impunity, slam, pummel, elbow, smack, punch, body-check, and beat the shit out of, with sticks, any other human being, punctuated by profanities, name-calling, questioning parentage, and accusations of bestiality, usually-coincidentally- in French.) — Christopher Moore

Lonliness evaporated off of them like the steam off dry ice, and by morning it was just a cloud on the ceiling of the room, then gone with the light. — Christopher Moore

Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell — Christopher Moore

She glanced over her shoulder to look at the forty-foot cabin cruiser where Captain Tarwater posed on the bow looking like an advertisement for a particularly rigid laundry detergent - Bumstick Go-Be-Bright, perhaps — Christopher Moore

Don't bruise the Foo! — Christopher Moore

An artist can't let madness stop him from making art, he simply has to channel it. — Christopher Moore

On the radio, turned low, Reba sang of hard times with the full authority of a cross-eyed redheaded millionaire. — Christopher Moore

Turtles hate heights. They don't even like being a few feet off the ground. It's the main reason they have resisted evolution for so long-fear of heights. Turtle thinking goes thus: Sure, first our scales turn into feathers and the next thing you know we're flying and chirping and perching on trees. We've seen it happen. Thanks, but we're staying right here in the mud where we belong. You're not going to see us flying full-tilt boogie into a sliding glass door. — Christopher Moore

Like most people, I woke up one day to find that everyone I knew was taking antidepressants, and since I wasn't, I figured that I must be the cause of their depression. — Christopher Moore

The bat was looking at Theo and Theo was having trouble following his own thoughts.The bat was wearing tiny sunglasses.Ray Bans,Theo could see by the trademark in the corner of one lens."I'm sorry, Mr.,uh- Case, could you take the bat off your head.It's very distracting."
Him."
Pardon?"
It's a him.Roberto.He no like the light. — Christopher Moore

Routine feeds the illusion of safety... — Christopher Moore

The Beta Male is seldom the strongest or the fastest, but because he can anticipate danger, he far outnumbers his Alpha Male competition. The — Christopher Moore

Fine, as the tailor said to the broke and naked knight, suit yourself. — Christopher Moore

It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs. — Christopher Moore

You know, there's a 12 step program for gambling. You should look into that.
Twelve steps. Coyote laughed. I'll bet I can do it in six. — Christopher Moore

When your best friend is the son of God, you get tired of losing every argument. — Christopher Moore

You sure about this writer thing son? — Christopher Moore

Regardless of its purpose, the humpback-whale song is the most complex piece of nonhuman composition on earth. Whether it's art, prayer, or booty call, the humpback song is an amazing thing to experience firsthand, and I suspect that even once the science of it is put to bed, it will remain, as long as they sing, magic. — Christopher Moore

And he was like "The sedative in the blood, blah, blah, four hours, blah, blah, nerdspeak, geektalk -" -Abby — Christopher Moore