Carl Hiaasen Quotes & Sayings

I think it's always good for the author to stay a good cattle prod's distance from the actual moviemaking. — Carl Hiaasen

Hey. Sometimes to conclusions. — Carl Hiaasen

All novels are about crime. You'd be hard pressed to find any novel that does not have an element of crime. I don't see myself as a crime novelist, but there are crimes in my books. That's the nature of storytelling, if you want to reflect the real world. — Carl Hiaasen

It's easy to get distracted by the vaudevillian aspects of the healthcare debate. — Carl Hiaasen

GRASS, LIKE NEARLY EVERYTHING else in China, is subject to political interpretation. Historically, the Chinese have taken a dim view of grass. In Peking's parks, the dirt is swept daily, since cleanliness is prized, but gardeners relentlessly uproot any tuft of grass. Grass breeds disease, generations of Chinese have been taught. Additionally, Communist doctrine teaches that grass is decadent, since it is usually associated with leisured classes and generates exploitation - one man hiring another to cut it. — Carl Hiaasen

Still the congenitally clueless - tourists and locals alike - continue to flop into the Gulf and mess with these phenomenal creatures, dooming them to a future of begging, sloth, and worse. A dolphin that swims close enough to take a treat from your fingers is also close enough to be stabbed by a scumbag with a screwdriver. — Carl Hiaasen

When you're given a newspaper column, you're not being paid to sit on a fence and scratch your chin and say 'On the one hand this' and 'On the other hand that.' You're getting paid for your opinion. — Carl Hiaasen

The one word that no politician will ever speak, is 'enough.' Enough. — Carl Hiaasen

Actually it was the mark of the stupid, which is what you get for sitting under a tree during a thunderstorm. — Carl Hiaasen

Whatever happens, I'm glad we ate that bleeping lizard. — Carl Hiaasen

Bode Gazzer was five feet six and had never forgiven his parents for it. He wore three-inch snakeskin shitkickers and walked with a swagger that suggested not brawn so much as hemorrhoidal tribulation. — Carl Hiaasen

You can do the best research and be making the strongest intellectual argument, but if readers don't get past the third paragraph you've wasted your energy and valuable ink. — Carl Hiaasen

From the pocket of her windbreaker he extracted what he falsely believed to be a portable marine radio, which along with two granola bars he'd pilfered from Honey's belongings after she was snatched by the club-handed lunatic. Shreave started pressing buttons on the compact gadget and barking, "Mayday! Mayday!
There was no response from the Coast Guard pilot or any other human, and for a good reason. Except for its LED screen, the instrument in Shreave's possession was electronically dissimilar to a radio in all significant respects. Most crucial was the absence of either an audio receiver or a transmitter.
"SOS! SOS!" he persisted. "Help!"
The device was in fact a mobile GPS unit, as technogically impenetrable to Shreave as the Taser gun he'd found beneath Honey's bed. — Carl Hiaasen

Sunset on the water ought to be a quiet and easy time, but I guess some people can't stand a little silence. — Carl Hiaasen

I never laugh or smile when I am writing. When I come home for lunch after writing all morning, my wife says I look like I just came home from a funeral. This is not bragging. This is an illness. — Carl Hiaasen

To me, the newspaper business was a way to learn about life and how things worked in the real world and how people spoke. You learn all the skills - you learn to listen, you learn to take notes - everything you use later as a novelist was valuable training in the newspaper world. But I always wanted to write novels. — Carl Hiaasen

Whether he's still a threat to innocent doors remains to be seen. By — Carl Hiaasen

When I'm deciding to read a book, I never open to the first chapter, because that's been revised and worked over 88 times. I'll just turn to the middle of the book, to the middle of a chapter, and just read a random page and I'll know right away whether this is the real deal or not. — Carl Hiaasen

Malley told the shrink that she'd run away because Justin — Carl Hiaasen

Unfortunately, I don't get to read nearly as much as I want because I'm always working on my own stuff, either the novels or newspaper columns. — Carl Hiaasen

Love this description of minor character, Lou Zicutto: Lou was branch claims manager of the mammoth insurance company where Decker worked part-time as an investigator. Lou was a spindly little twit, maybe a hundred twenty pounds, but he had a huge florid head, which he shaved every day. As a result he looked very much like a Tootsie Pop with lips. — Carl Hiaasen

he was bitten in the groin by a Belgian shepherd trainee named Kong, and he required three operations, culminating in a scrotal graft from a Brahma steer. — Carl Hiaasen

As frightening as this may sound, what you see in the books is the way I see the world. And so far I haven't seen anything, either in Florida or elsewhere, to dissuade me from it. — Carl Hiaasen

Earl, you can't walk around with a lead slug up your bottom. It's bound to affect your outlook." Tool jerked his hand away. "I'll get it took care of, I swear." "It could well be the turning point in your life," she said. "What they call an epiphany. Or at least a catharsis." He assumed those to be the surgical terms for a bullet removal, and he promised Maureen he would schedule the operation as soon as he got a break in his bodyguarding schedule. — Carl Hiaasen

My humour has always come from anger, but I have to make sure I don't just get angry and jump on a soapbox. — Carl Hiaasen

The Thieves of Manhattan is a sly and cutting riff on the book-publishing world that is quite funny unless you happen to be an author, in which case the novel will make you consider a more sensible profession-like being a rodeo clown, for example, or a crab-fisherman in the Bering Sea. — Carl Hiaasen

Garcia wondered why people with JESUS stickers on their bumper always drove twenty miles per hour under the speed limit. If God was my co-pilot, he thought, I'd be doing a hundred and twenty. — Carl Hiaasen

My books are shelved in different places, depending on the bookstore. Sometimes they can be found in the Mystery section, sometimes in the Humor department, and occasionally even in the Literature aisle, which is somewhat astounding. — Carl Hiaasen

As a lobbyist he had long ago concluded there was no difference in how Democrats and Republicans conducted the business of government. The game stayed the same: It was always about favors and friends, and who controlled the dough. Party labels were merely a way to keep track of the teams; issues were mostly smoke and vaudeville. Nobody believed in anything except hanging on to power, whatever it took ... — Carl Hiaasen

Just because something was legal didn't automatically make it right. — Carl Hiaasen

Nobody from the Amazing Kingdom bothered to check with previous employers, such as the New York City Police Department, to inquire about allegations of bribery, moral turpitude, substance abuse, witness tampering and the unnecessary use of deadly force, to wit, the pistol-whipping of a young man suspected of shoplifting a bag of cheese-flavored Doritos. — Carl Hiaasen

My books are character-driven. They're not driven by the story. — Carl Hiaasen

They have a crystalline sense of right and wrong; it disappears when they walk out the door with their M.B.A. — Carl Hiaasen

Every writer scrounges for inspiration in different places, and there's no shame in raiding the headlines. It's necessary, in fact, when attempting contemporary satire. Sharp-edged humor relies on topical reference points. — Carl Hiaasen

She said there was no tactful way for a naked person to cope with a runny nose, especially while dancing. Orly grudgingly agreed. — Carl Hiaasen

Nobody said he was Alvin Einstein. — Carl Hiaasen

From the bow of the canoe she asked, "Do you know a rain dance?"
"First I need a virgin. — Carl Hiaasen

I got overwhelmed by the magnitude of the celebrity culture in America. My background is as a news journalist, and newsrooms in the US are shrinking - investigation teams are being terminated or shrunk on newspapers all around the country. The one aspect that's expanded is coverage of celebrity culture. — Carl Hiaasen

Like Richard Price and the late, great Elmore Leonard, Matt Burgess is one of those cool, quick and funny writers who can turn a seemingly routine crime caper into something special. — Carl Hiaasen

The dog proved to be as dumb and stubborn as a mud fence, so Stranahan had named him Strom. — Carl Hiaasen

Obviously you have to make a profit to put out a newspaper. I'm not an idiot. But when the margins are in excess of 25 per cent you're talking about greed. — Carl Hiaasen

I don't have an e-reader. One reason is that I like to dog-ear the page when I find a particularly good sentence or passage. — Carl Hiaasen

When you put on the suits, when you pretend you're honest and you're robbing at a far higher level, these guys deserve to ... well, to be in my novels, and I have special fates reserved for them. — Carl Hiaasen

Right now there's a pair of bad cops on their way out here to shoot me."
"You don't know that."
"Yeah, you're right," Stranahan said. "They're probably just collecting Toys for Tots. Now go. — Carl Hiaasen

Dessert was an over baked chocolate chip cookies the size of a hockey puck and just about as tasty. — Carl Hiaasen

That's the thing about being a Labrador retriever - you were born for fun. Seldom was your loopy, freewheeling mind cluttered by contemplation, and never at all by somber worry; every day was a romp. What else could there possibly be to life? Eating was a thrill. Pissing was a treat. Shitting was a joy. And licking your own balls? Bliss. And everywhere you went were gullible humans who patted and hugged and fussed over you. — Carl Hiaasen

stick together like shit on a shoe. — Carl Hiaasen

The man's a born straggler, Honey thought, another lucky exception to the rules of natural selection. A million years ago he would've been an easy snack for a saber-toothed tiger. — Carl Hiaasen

There's so much hate that we direct externally that we forget we have our own psychos. But that's the role of the satirist - you have to examine your own country and say, 'look!' — Carl Hiaasen

One problem with age is that patience begins to ebb. — Carl Hiaasen

It was inevitable that the poacher and the counterfeiter would bond, sharing as they did a blanket contempt for government, taxes, homosexuals, immigrants, minorities, gun laws, assertive women and honest work. — Carl Hiaasen

The boy manifested the sort of submissive dimness that foretold a long sad future in minimum-security institutions — Carl Hiaasen

That's what people do when they find a special place that wild and full of life, they trample it to death. — Carl Hiaasen

Bangkok 8 is one of the most startling and provocative mysteries that I've read in years. The characters are marvelously unique, the setting is intoxicating and the plot unwinds in dark illusory strands, reminiscent of Gorky Park. Once I started, I didn't want to put it down. — Carl Hiaasen

I'd love to see a good script of one of my books, in these years of animations and comic book sequels, and had so many written over the years, but none quite clicked. — Carl Hiaasen

I won't be making any friends in the corporate suites. — Carl Hiaasen

The innards of Ping's G5 were supposedly computer-engineered with a process called "finite-element analysis," a term that for all I know was stolen from an old Star Trek episode. — Carl Hiaasen

We've always been fascinated with movie stars and singers, but the fascination with people who really have nothing to offer is something new. — Carl Hiaasen

A quick puke, two rails of blow and she was solid. — Carl Hiaasen

Boyd Shreave tore the page from Eugenie Fonda's memoir and, with a contemptuous flourish, wiped his ass with it. — Carl Hiaasen

Losing his hair. Ms. Chase and me, — Carl Hiaasen

Cell phone the night he died. She'd obtained this key information — Carl Hiaasen

Disney world is an armpit,compared to Montana!! — Carl Hiaasen

The gutted ruins of the Amazing Kingdom were razed, and the land was replanted with native trees, including buttonwoods, pigeon plums, torchwoods, brittle palms, tamarinds, gumbo-limbos and mangroves. This restoration was accomplished in spite of rigid opposition from the Monroe County Commission, which had hoped to use the property as a public dump. — Carl Hiaasen

The other day, one of the big shots was trying to say 'Nice shoes!' and he accidentally told a government minister that his face looked like a butt wart. Not good. — Carl Hiaasen

When I'm working on a novel of my own, I try to read mostly nonfiction, although sometimes I break down and peek at something else. — Carl Hiaasen

Hey. Sometimes life is a shit flavored Popsicle. — Carl Hiaasen

My father used to say that you live most of your life inside your own head, so make sure it's a good space. — Carl Hiaasen

Mickey Cray was surprised to learn that Derek Badger didn't want any of his captive critters on location. Mickey had never wrangled for a nature show that used only wild animals, nor had he ever encountered a person less qualified than Derek to handle untamed specimens. — Carl Hiaasen

Only because you're injured," she said, and kissed him again. He pulled her close. "How's this going to work with all these stitches? Do I have to keep standing?" "Well," whispered Rosa, "I suppose you could kneel." Yancy lifted her sundress. "You're the doctor. — Carl Hiaasen

Everybody's idea of a great book is different, of course. For me it's one that makes my jaw drop on every page, the writing is so original. — Carl Hiaasen

For once Yancy didn't mind driving to Miami. Dr. Rosa Campesino had agreed to meet for lunch. On the Eighteen-Mile Stretch he got stuck behind a minivan with a CHOOSE LIFE bumper sticker. "Choose the accelerator! How's that for starters?" Yancy was shouting, pounding on the horn. — Carl Hiaasen

I'm waiting for the day when Rush Limbaugh's pharmacist writes a book. — Carl Hiaasen

Don't order the fish," Yancy advised Merry when they sat down. "But it's a seafood joint." "More like a petri dish with menus. When they say 'catch of the day,' they mean infection." Brennan — Carl Hiaasen

Sure, I'll have characters drop in and out of books but the main cast of characters always changes. Maybe I'm wrong but I think if had the same joe detective guy or gal, I wouldn't write them as well; I wouldn't do as good a job. — Carl Hiaasen

Here's my rule: You always want to pay cash for your own books, because if they look at the name on the credit card and then they look at the name on the book jacket, then there's this look of such profound sympathy for you that you had to resort to this. It really is withering. — Carl Hiaasen

Maureen closed her eyes. " Listen to me, Earl. It's yourself you ought to be thinking about. Life goes by so darn fast, every wasted moment is a crime." One blue eye opened and fixed on him. "And every crime is a wasted moment. — Carl Hiaasen

A.Q., Keyes remembered, stood for Asshole Quotient. Skip Wiley had a well-known theory that the quality of life declined in direct proportion to the Asshole Quotient. According to Wiley's reckoning, Miami had 134 total assholes per square mile, giving it the worst A.Q. in North America. In second place was Aspen, Colorado (101), with Malibu Beach, California, finishing third at 97. — Carl Hiaasen

Mickey Cray had been out of work ever since a dead iguana fell from a palm tree and hit him on the head. — Carl Hiaasen

I don't care if you pack it in fucking kryptonite, that lottery ticket ain't going up your ass. — Carl Hiaasen

Though Madeleine's face reminded Dr. Graveline in many ways of a camel, he was fond of her. She was the kind of steady patient that offshore trust funds are made of. — Carl Hiaasen

You from the IRS? The man's voice was deep and wet, like mud slipping down a drain. — Carl Hiaasen

Watching the cab speed off, Wahoo's father looked forlorn. "It's like she's leaving us twice," he remarked. "What are you talking about, Pop?" "I'm seein' double, remember? There she goes - and there she goes again. — Carl Hiaasen

Sometimes you're going to be faced with situations where the line isn't clear between what's right and what's wrong.Your heart will tell you to do one thing and your brain will tell you to do something different. In the end, all that's left is to look at both sides and go with your best judgment. — Carl Hiaasen

And the Chamber of Commerce was handing out cyanide capsules. — Carl Hiaasen

If anything is more irresistible than Jesus, it's Mickey. — Carl Hiaasen

The one thing a lifetime in the newspaper business teaches you is pace - you spend all your time trying to make sure that the reader's going to finish what you're writing. — Carl Hiaasen

The greatest sin for a writer is to be boring. — Carl Hiaasen

From the pancake house I drive directly to the county morgue. The contrast is not especially striking. — Carl Hiaasen

to a perfectly terrible day. — Carl Hiaasen

People say sometimes, gosh, that was brave of you to write such-and-such last week. 'Brave?' What do they mean 'brave?' It's right! How could you not write it? — Carl Hiaasen

From my experience, politicians are much more uncomfortable being made fun of than they are being preached at and screeched at - you know, and the soapbox routine. They're much more uneasy knowing they're a target of ridicule. — Carl Hiaasen

Carla Crumworthy, heiress to the Crumworthy panty-shield fortune. She had come to complain about the collagen injections that Rudy Graveline had administered to give her full, sensual lips, which is just what every rheumatoid seventy-one-year-old woman — Carl Hiaasen

Nobody with an IQ higher than emergency-room temperature could ever believe that 'death panels' would be appointed to nudge the elderly toward euthanasia. Yet for idle entertainment, it's hard to beat Sarah Palin's ignorant nattering on the subject. — Carl Hiaasen

My father's a large man, very strong, but he says fighting is for people who can't win with their brains. He also says there are times when you've got no choice but to defend yourself from common morons. — Carl Hiaasen

There is no writer's block in a newsroom. There's only unemployment block. — Carl Hiaasen

Mrs. Bonneville never buckled her seat belt, even though it was required by state law; an ardent libertarian, she opposed government meddling in all matters of personal choice. — Carl Hiaasen

Humor can be an incredible, lacerating and effective weapon. — Carl Hiaasen

He considered telling her about his years as a big-time smuggler, but he doubted it would improve his odds of getting laid. Once upon a time, sure, absolutely - but hers was a generation that grew up on homegrown or Humboldt and thought Panama Red was a merlot. Gaspers suspected the young bartender would have been more impressed to meet a guy who worked for Apple, or maybe a professional skateboarder. — Carl Hiaasen

Kids feel so strongly about what's going on today and what's happening to the world, and that's very inspiring. I feel more hopeful than ever before about the future. — Carl Hiaasen