Bruno Bettelheim Quotes & Sayings

Play reaches the habits most needed for intellectual growth. — Bruno Bettelheim

The child, so much more insecure than an adult, needs assurance that his need to engage in fantasy, or his inability to stop doing so, is not a deficiency. — Bruno Bettelheim

What redeems us as human beings and restores us to our humanity is solicitude for those whom we love. — Bruno Bettelheim

Only in adulthood can any intelligent understanding of the meaning of one's existence in this world be gained from one's experiences in it. — Bruno Bettelheim

The ability to read becomes devalued when what one has learned to read adds nothing of importance to one's life. — Bruno Bettelheim

Punishment may make us obey the orders we are given, but at best it will only teach an obedience to authority, not a self-control which enhances our self-respect. — Bruno Bettelheim

To be a good enough parent one must be able to feel secure in one's parenthood, and one's relation to one's child ... The security of the parent about being a parent will eventually become the source of the child's feeling secure about himself. — Bruno Bettelheim

The delight we experience when we allow ourselves to respond to a fairy tale, the enchantment we feel, comes not from the psychological meaning of the tale (although this contributes to it) but from its literary qualities-the tale itself as a work of art, — Bruno Bettelheim

Most advice on child-rearing is sought in the hope that it will confirm our prior convictions. If the parent had wished to proceedin a certain way but was made insecure by opposing opinions of neighbors, friends, or relatives, then it gives him great comfort to find his ideas seconded by an expert. — Bruno Bettelheim

To be told that our child's behavior is "normal" offers little solace when our feelings are badly hurt, or when we worry that hisactions are harmful at the moment or may be injurious to his future. It does not help me as a parent nor lessen my worries when my child drives carelessly, even dangerously, if I am told that this is "normal" behavior for children of his age. I'd much prefer him to deviate from the norm and be a cautious driver! — Bruno Bettelheim

Plato
who may have understood better what forms the mind of man than do some of our contemporaries who want their children exposed only to "real" people and everyday events
knew what intellectual experience made for true humanity. He suggested that the future citizens of his ideal republic begin their literary education with the telling of myths, rather than with mere facts or so-called rational teachings. — Bruno Bettelheim

The unrealistic nature of these tales (which narrowminded rationalists object to) is an important device, because it makes obvious that the fairy tales' concern is not useful information about the external world, but the inner process taking place in an individual. — Bruno Bettelheim

The child intuitively comprehends that although these stories are unreal, they are not untrue ... — Bruno Bettelheim

A parent who from his own childhood experience is convinced of the value of fairy tales will have no difficulty in answering his child's questions; but an adult who thinks these tales are only a bunch of lies had better not try telling them; he won't be able to related them in a way which would enrich the child's life. — Bruno Bettelheim

Fairy tales are loved by the child not because the imagery he finds in them conforms to what goes on within him, but because
despite all the angry, anxious thoughts in his mind to which the fairy tale gives body and specific content
these stories always result in a happy outcome, which the child cannot imagine on his own. — Bruno Bettelheim

Television captures the mind but does not liberate it. A good book at once stimulates and frees the mind. — Bruno Bettelheim

For those who immerse themselves in what the fairy tale has to communicate, it becomes a deep, quiet pool which at first seems to reflect only our own image; but behind it we soon discover the inner turmoils of our soul - its depth, and ways to gain peace within ourselves and with the world, which is the reward of our struggles. — Bruno Bettelheim

You can't teach children to be good. The best you can do for your child is to live a good life yourself. What a parent knows and believes, the child will lean on. — Bruno Bettelheim

The child knows only that he engages in play because it is enjoyable. He isn't aware of his need to play
a need which has its source in the pressure of unsolved problems. Nor does he know that his pleasure in playing comes from a deep sense of well-being that is the direct result of feeling in control of things, in contrast to the rest of his life, which is managed by his parents or other adults. — Bruno Bettelheim

Play permits the child to resolve in symbolic form unsolved problems of the past and to cope directly or symbolically with present concerns. It is also his most significant tool for preparing himself for the future and its tasks. — Bruno Bettelheim

He disappears, and her endless wanderings in search of him take her to the moon, the sun, and the wind. — Bruno Bettelheim

You cannot have sex education without saying that sex is natural and that most people find it pleasurable. — Bruno Bettelheim

Parents ought, through their own behavior and the values by which they live, to provide direction for their children. But they need to rid themselves of the idea that there are surefire methods which, when well applied, will produce certain predictable results. Whatever we do with and for our children ought to flow from our understanding of and our feelings for the particular situation and the relation we wish to exist between us and our child. — Bruno Bettelheim

The goal in raising one's child is to enable him, first, to discover who he wants to be, and then to become a person who can be satisfied with himself and his way of life. Eventually he ought to be able to do in his life whatever seems important, desirable, and worthwhile to him to do; to develop relations with other people that are constructive, satisfying, mutually enriching; and to bear up well under the stresses and hardships he will unavoidably encounter during his life. — Bruno Bettelheim

This is exactly the message that fairy tales get across to the child in manifold form: that a struggle against severe difficulties in life is unavoidable, is an intrinsic part of human existence
but that if one does not shy away, but steadfastly meets unexpected and often unjust hardships, one masters all obstacles and at the end emerges victorious. — Bruno Bettelheim

As the creative adult needs to toy with ideas, the child, to form his ideas, needs toys
and plenty of leisure and scope to play with them as he likes, and not just the way adults think proper. This is why he must be given this freedom for his play to be successful and truly serve him well. — Bruno Bettelheim

The myth of Oedipus . . . arouses powerful intellectual and emotional reactions in the adult-so much so, that it may provide a cathartic experience, as Aristotle taught all tragedy does. [A reader] may wonder why he is so deeply moved; and in responding to what he observes as his emotional reaction, ruminating about the mythical events and what these mean to him, a person may come to clarify his thoughts and feelings. With this, certain inner tensions which are the consequence of events long past may be relieved; previously unconscious material can then enter one's awareness and become accessible for conscious working through. This can happen if the observer is deeply moved emotionally by the myth, and at the sametime strongly motivated intellectually to understand it. — Bruno Bettelheim

Creativity stands at the center of all education. — Bruno Bettelheim

Not only is our love for our children sometimes tinged with annoyance, discouragement, and disappointment, the same is true for the love our children feel for us. — Bruno Bettelheim

The good enough parent, in addition to being convinced that whatever his child does, he does it because at that moment he is convinced this is the best he can do, will also ask himself: What in the world would make me act as my child acts at this moment? And if I felt forced to act this way, what would make me feel better about it? — Bruno Bettelheim

Since there are thousands of fairy tales, one may safely guess that there are probably equal numbers where the courage and determination of females rescue males, and vice versa. — Bruno Bettelheim

When a world goes to pieces, when inhumanity reigns supreme, man cannot go on with business as usual. — Bruno Bettelheim

A child ... who has learned from fairy stories to believe that what at first seemed a repulsive, threatening figure can magically change into a most helpful friend is ready to believe that a strange child whom he meets and fears may also be changed from a menace into a desirable companion. — Bruno Bettelheim

Whoever influences the child's life ought to try to give him a positive view of himself and of his world. The child's future happiness and his ability to cope with life and relate to others will depend on it. — Bruno Bettelheim

What cannot be talked about cannot be put to rest. And if it is not, the wounds will fester from generation to generation. — Bruno Bettelheim

All my life, I have been working with children whose lives were destroyed because their mothers hated them.
1981 re: cause of autism — Bruno Bettelheim

From a child's play, we can gain understanding of how he sees and construes the world
what he would like it to be, what his concerns are, what problems are besetting him. — Bruno Bettelheim

While criticism or fear of punishment may restrain us from doing wrong, it does not make us wish to do right. Disregarding this simple fact is the great error into which parents and educators fall when they rely on these negative means of correction. The only effective discipline is self-discipline, motivated by the inner desire to act meritoriously in order to do well in one's own eyes, according to one's own values, so that one may feel good about oneself may have a good conscience. — Bruno Bettelheim

Even Aristotle, master of pure reason, said: 'The friend of wisdom is also a friend of myth. — Bruno Bettelheim

If only we could recall how we felt when we were small, or could imagine how utterly defeated a young child feels when his play companions or older siblings temporarily reject him or can obviously do things better than he can, or when adults - worst of all, his parents - seem to make fun of him or belittle him, then we would know why the child often feels like an outcast: — Bruno Bettelheim

Although we like to think of young children's lives as free of troubles, they are in fact filled with disappointment and frustration. Children wish for so much, but can arrange so little of their own lives, which are so often dominated by adults without sympathy for the children's priorities. That is why children have a much greater need for daydreams than adults do. And because their lives have been relatively limited they have a greater need for material from which to form daydreams. — Bruno Bettelheim

But had Minkowski and Einstein not recognized it long before us, our schizophrenic children would have taught us that space-time is a unity that precedes any separate understanding of either category; just as grasping this unity is a precondition for understanding causality. — Bruno Bettelheim

What children learn from punishment is that might makes right. When they are old and strong enough, they will try to get their ownback; thus many children punish their parents by acting in ways distressing to them. — Bruno Bettelheim

Among the most valuable but least appreciated experiences parenthood can provide are the opportunities it offers for exploring, reliving, and resolving one's own childhood problems in the context of one's relation to one's child. — Bruno Bettelheim

The parent must not give in to his desire to try to create the child he would like to have, but rather help the child to develop
in his own good time
to the fullest, into what he wishes to be and can be, in line with his natural endowment and as the consequence of his unique life in history. — Bruno Bettelheim

As Anna Freud remarked, the toddler who wanders off into some other aisle, feels lost, and screams anxiously for his mother neversays "I got lost," but accusingly says "You lost me!" It is a rare mother who agrees that she lost him! she expects her child to stay with her; in her experience it is the child who has lost track of the mother, while in the child's experience it is the mother who has lost track of him. Each view is entirely correct from the perspective of the individual who holds it . — Bruno Bettelheim

Raising children is a creative endeavor, an art rather than a science. — Bruno Bettelheim

No longer can we be satisfied with a life where the heart has its reasons which reason cannot know. Our hearts must know the world of reason, and reason must be guided by an informed heart. — Bruno Bettelheim

The fear of failure is so great, it is no wonder that the desire to do right by one's children has led to a whole library of books offering advice on how to raise them. — Bruno Bettelheim

The only effective way to help well-intentioned, intelligent persons to do the best they can in raising children is to encourage and guide them always to do their own thinking in their attempts at understanding and dealing with child-rearing situations and problems, and not to rely blindly on the opinions of others. — Bruno Bettelheim

If we hope to live not just from moment to moment, but in true consciousness of our existence, then our greatest need and most difficult achievement is to find meaning in our lives. — Bruno Bettelheim

The good enough mother, owing to her deep empathy with her infant, reflects in her face his feelings; this is why he sees himselfin her face as if in a mirror and finds himself as he sees himself in her. The not good enough mother fails to reflect the infant's feelings in her face because she is too preoccupied with her own concerns, such as her worries over whether she is doing right by her child, her anxiety that she might fail him. — Bruno Bettelheim

Maybe if more of our adolescents had been brought up on fairy tales, they would (unconsciously) remain aware of the fact that their conflict is not with the adult world, or society, but really only with their parents. Further, threatening as the parent may seem at some time, it is always the child who wins out in the long — Bruno Bettelheim