Bill Maher Quotes & Sayings

Forget the Syria debate; we need a debate on why we are always debating on whether to bomb someone. Because we're starting to look not so much like the world's police men but more like George Zimmerman. Itching to use force and then pretending it's because we had no choice. — Bill Maher

At some point in the last 20 years, the left moved to the center, and the right moved into a mental institution. — Bill Maher

There is no debate here, just scientists and non-scientists. And since the subject is science, the non-scientists don't get a vote. — Bill Maher

This is a powerful message from our government: we will not be intimidated by bombs; we will not be intimidated by poison; this is America, if you're a violent, paranoid lunatic, you must use a gun! — Bill Maher

If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I'd check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too. — Bill Maher

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job. — Bill Maher

It's going to be Perry, it's going to be Romney ... It's sort of a battle for the soul of the Republican Party - and they have no soul, but the space where a soul would be. — Bill Maher

Religion is insanity by consensus. — Bill Maher

The "Power of One" is a slogan--not a goal. — Bill Maher

It's amazing. TV used to give Americans the reverse fantasy: What if you, normal person, suddenly became a millionaire? Now it's "Oh, who are we kidding? You consider yourself lucky to hold on to your job deep-frying chicken parts, but how'd you like to be briefly introduced to a millionaire? Would you like that? You can even touch his garments!" And people watch this shit and find it inspirational. — Bill Maher

In fact, because people are religious, they think they can do bad things. — Bill Maher

The American people don't really care what side of an issue you're on. They just don't want you to act like a pussy. — Bill Maher

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say under new management than it is to change the whole building. — Bill Maher

Women are also property in our bible; adultery is a property crime in the Old Testament, not a sex crime. — Bill Maher

Newt Gingrich ... is absolutely for bombing Iran and for lowering gas prices. And I've just to say, you can't be for both. They are diametrically opposed. — Bill Maher

Atheism is a religion the way abstinence is a sex position. — Bill Maher

Politicians will promise some pretty ridiculous things. They will promise a chicken in every pot. They'll promise that they'll keep Social Security solvent. They'll promise drugs for old people. They'll promise lots of stuff. But it doesn't come near the kind of promises that religion makes. The Mormons promise that if you're good while you're on Earth, you get to rule over your own planet in the afterlife. Now, there's an entitlement that goes a little bit beyond prescription drugs for old people. — Bill Maher

You can't be a rational person six days a week and on one day of the week, go to a building, and think you are drinking the blood of a two thousand year old space god. That doesn't make you a person of faith ... , that makes you a schizophrenic. — Bill Maher

And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us against the world. — Bill Maher

Instead of using the expression "It is what it is," just shut up. — Bill Maher

Clint Eastwood's speech was kind of a metaphor for the entire Republican Party: A confused old person yelling at something that doesn't exist. — Bill Maher

In pharmaceutical speak, psilocybin is known as an asshole inhibitor. — Bill Maher

I never thought I'd say this: what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush. — Bill Maher

Let us not become so tolerant that we tolerate intolerance. — Bill Maher

Life is not like a box of chocolates unless there's a few turds in the box. — Bill Maher

I kid the Republicans, with love. I feel bad for them. They got nobody for next time. Who are they gonna run? Sara Palin, reading off her hand. Did you see that? You saw this? She wrote tax cuts on her hand. A Republican so stupid she has to be reminded of the one thing- Tax cuts! This is like if you saw the coyote's paw and it said Road Runner. — Bill Maher

Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Tom Tancredo - those were the three guys who said they do not believe in evolution. The irony will be on them when their campaigns die off in favor of stronger, fitter campaigns. — Bill Maher

Well, I hate to tell youbut if you have a flu shot for more than five years in a row, there's ten times the likelihood that you'll get Alzheimer's disease. — Bill Maher

If a fourteen year-old can deliver your message, it's not because he's gifted. It's because intellectually, you're a child. — Bill Maher

That's what's so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity. — Bill Maher

Edward Snowden gave a little press conference today. He is apparently seeking temporary asylum in Russia. Because, you know, when you're tired of the government snooping into everything you do, Putin's Russia is definitely the place you want to go. — Bill Maher

Saddam Hussein is Hitler like Oasis was The Beatles. — Bill Maher

But females in even the most advanced Muslim countries are simply, by law, not the equal of men. — Bill Maher

Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do. Most people would think it's wonderful when someone says 'I'm willing lord, I'll do whatever you want me to do' except that since there are no god's actually talking to us, that void is filled in by people with their own corruptions and limitations and agendas.
The only appropriate attitude for man to have about the big questions is not the arrogant certitude which is the hallmark of religion, but doubt.
Doubt is humble and that's what man needs to be considering that human history is just a litany of getting shit dead wrong. — Bill Maher

We've been on a long break and I've just been kicking back, doing nothing. Like our government. — Bill Maher

Do you want to know why marijuana is illegal? Because the drug companies want marijuana to be illegal. You see, if it came down to Prozak versus Marijuana, Prozak would lose. — Bill Maher

To paraphrase the great Will Rogers, El Rusho never met a pharmacist he did not like. — Bill Maher

Because of the Republicans, I'm not ashamed of being an American. I'm embarrassed! — Bill Maher

BP today finally managed to almost completely stop the flow of information. — Bill Maher

The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right. — Bill Maher

Since nobody reacts to car alarms anymore, stop putting alarms in cars. Face it. At this point, car alarms are like Glenn Beck: annoying, pointless, and everyone's finally learned to ignore them. When I hear one, my first thought is: Please, God, I hope someone is stealing that car so they'll drive it away from my window. — Bill Maher

Karl Rove thinks we shouldn't have Hillary Clinton in the White House because she fell and hit her head a couple years ago, spent three days in the hospital, and maybe she has brain damage. You know, I don't recall the Republicans being this concerned with mental fitness during the years when Reagan was talking to house plants in the White House. — Bill Maher

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels & free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep & conformists. — Bill Maher

When you tolerate intolerance, you're not really being a liberal. — Bill Maher

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles. — Bill Maher

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'. — Bill Maher

Failing to warn the citizens of a looming weapon of mass destruction- and that's what global warming is- in order to protect oil company profits, well, that fits for me the definition of treason. — Bill Maher

The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, 'You know what? Let's just grab lunch.' — Bill Maher

You would think there is a higher bar than having a Facebook page to run for president. — Bill Maher

Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn't go far enough. They're recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don't vie CBS an idea for another reality show. — Bill Maher

New Rule: Stop hitting on women at the dog park. Yes, we're talking to you, divorced guy with a ponytail. That better be a Milk-Bone in your pocket, because we're not glad to see you. Women come to the park to exercise their dogs, not to socialize with hounds. They wouldn't pick you up if they had a plastic bag on their hand. Although if you're determined to meet a woman at the dog park, here's a tip: Get a dog. — Bill Maher

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor. — Bill Maher

New Rule: Gun-control people have to stop pressuring Starbucks to ban guns. I want my gun nuts overcaffeinated, twitchy, and accident-prone. That way, the problem will take care of itself. Plus, if just one gun nut kills just one pseudo-intellectual writing a screenplay-slash-graphic-novel on his iPad, natural selection is doing its job. — Bill Maher

Based on every statement I've heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government. — Bill Maher

Russia has banned all adoptions to Americans. So, if you were hoping to get a little white kid with fetal alcohol syndrome, you're going to have to wait until Lindsay Lohan reproduces. — Bill Maher

Their [Republicans] approach to a woman's body is the same as their approach to the economy: they have no idea how it works, but they're eager to screw with it anyway. — Bill Maher

Bush the younger has two things going for him that his father never had. One: an easy charm with regular people and two: the power to make them disappear without a trial. — Bill Maher

The NYPD must stop acting like the only thing black people do is run from them and shoot at them. Believe it or not there are some black New Yorkers who won't run and can't shoot
they're called the # Knicks . — Bill Maher

New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures of Britney Spears's vagina getting out of a car. Television has desensitizes us to violence, and porn has desensitized us to people getting shot in the eye. — Bill Maher

I love trains. It's the only way to travel anymore where it doesn't involve a TSA agent slowly tracing the curve of my inner thigh. — Bill Maher

When you get people who are out of office, suddenly their tongues loosen up and suddenly they say the things that you wish they'd said or did when they were in office. — Bill Maher

We're always on a tightrope. We're trying to put together people who don't make sense to be together, talking about issues that are sensitive and controversial. We're mixing dangerous chemicals on a nightly basis. — Bill Maher

I always compare marriage to communism. They're both institutions that don't conform to human nature, so you're going to end up with lying and hypocrisy. — Bill Maher

When sex is good theres nothing better, when its bad its not bad. — Bill Maher

Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we're someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning. — Bill Maher

If the bible myth of Jonah in the whale and the Mother Goose myth of Jack and the Beanstalk were switched at birth so that Jack in the Beanstalk were in the bible, do you think any child would notice? — Bill Maher

True patriotism is doing something for your country. — Bill Maher

We were asked to do very little, and we responded. That's the bargain we tacitly make with our presidents: we won't ask too much of you, if you don't ask too much of us. — Bill Maher

New Rule: Instead of killing 99.9 percent of germs, Lysol has to just go ahead and kill them all. Why spare the remaining 0.1 percent? So they can return to their villages and tell the other germs, "Dude, do not mess with Lysol"? — Bill Maher

I don't know anyone less Jesus like than Christians. — Bill Maher

Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show. — Bill Maher

The Drug War is an addiction, really. — Bill Maher

As you go down the path of life, ask whats true. Not who else believes it. — Bill Maher

People, especially the liberals, just live in this world where if anything is said that offends anybody even a little bit, not only does that person have to apologize; sometimes they have to go away forever. Go away, bad person. My analysis of this is that most of us don't do anything decent in our life. I'm not saying we're evil. I'm just saying we don't make a contribution, so the way they [liberals] think they're making a contribution is to point at the bad people [which] is somehow even more pathetic. — Bill Maher

If it makes you feel any better we will be happy to attack a country that had nothing to do with it. — Bill Maher

I always wanted to be a comedian, even when I was a little kid. I had a funny father who was in the news business, by the way. He was a radio news guy. So the news was always in my house, and funny was always in my house. It was sort of just baked into the DNA that I would do this for a living, but I can remember being less than 10 years old and dreaming about being a comedian. — Bill Maher

God knows life sucks. It's right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, "I can't take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me." — Bill Maher

New Rule: You can't force the ATM to do something it doesn't want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me at the Citibank ATM, but you've been standing there punching buttons for ten minutes
what are you trying to do, write a novel on it? You hear those beeping noises? That's the ATM saying, "Stop it, you're hurting me." A chicken would have gotten forty bucks out of that thing by now just by pecking the buttons randomly. — Bill Maher

When we talk about values, I think of rationality in solving problems. That's something I value. [Values are things like] Fairness, kindness, generosity, tolerance. When they [Conservative right wing Republicans] talk about values, they're talking about things like going to church, voting for Bush, being loyal to Jesus, praying. These are not values. — Bill Maher

Why are we working so hard to preserve Iraq, a fake country to begin with? Why do we care whether this fake country that was drawn on the map 100 years ago remains? — Bill Maher

I believe in God, I just give him more credit than being a single parent and an author. — Bill Maher

The [Libyan] rebels this week kind of hinted to the United States that they could use a little help. Right. Like, America would just blunder around the Middle East killing people without all the facts. That doesn't sound like the America I know. — Bill Maher

All across the Middle East in the streets, people are demanding democracy. It's amazing. The only way in America you get people to get worked up like that is to threaten to give them health care. — Bill Maher

You can't pray away global warming, and that's the difference between religious people and sane people. — Bill Maher

If conservatives don't want to be seen as bitter people who cling to their guns and religion and anti-immigrant sentiments, they should stop being bitter and clinging to their guns, religion and anti-immigrant sentiments. — Bill Maher

New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the Reverend Ted Haggard, was outed for drugs and extramarital gay sex with a male prostitute. Or as Fox News reported it, 'John Kerry hates our troops'. — Bill Maher

Hey birthers, wanna hear my theory? My theory was that Obama was born in America and you were born with the umbilical cord around your neck. — Bill Maher

If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away. — Bill Maher

Rick Santorum said this week that his 12-year-old could out-reason me about God. Look, I am not about to debate a home-schooled 12-year-old. I have enough trouble with Sarah Palin. — Bill Maher

I hear a lot of talk today about xenophobia. Is it really phobia if you have something to be afraid of? — Bill Maher

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt. — Bill Maher

I think we need to change that old saying, "I don't need a building to fall on me." Because two did and we still don't get it. I think we all stick our head in the sand as a deep human impulse. — Bill Maher

Kadafi is a zombie in a pillbox hat, that's what he is! — Bill Maher

New Rule: Churches have to stop ringing the damn bells. It was a good idea in the Middle Ages, but people have clocks now. It's not like you're doing us all a favor by keeping the hunchbacks off the street. Make up your mind, are you a house of worship or an ice cream truck? — Bill Maher

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him? — Bill Maher

I'm okay with it now that Obama's in office. I'm kind of trusting of him. But President Ted Cruz? Where this is going would bother me. — Bill Maher

Americans are gluttons. We shop with forklifts. We have a holiday where we stuff food into other food. Our strippers wrestle in Jell-O, where other countries have to use mud. — Bill Maher

Sometimes I'm dragging my ass out to the airport at 8 a.m. on a Saturday and I'm wondering why I'm doing this, but once I walk on stage I know why ... because I'm addicted. — Bill Maher

Love does not conquer all. — Bill Maher

Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan and she's demanding that we invade 'Tsunami.' — Bill Maher