Bill Hicks Quotes & Sayings

People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction. — Bill Hicks

It's my object to be stared at like a dog that's just been shown a card trick. — Bill Hicks

It's all about money, not freedom, y'all, okay? Nothing to do with fuckin' freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay? — Bill Hicks

They Want You To Be A Docile Apathetic Consumer — Bill Hicks

Speaking of Satan, I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day. — Bill Hicks

Good comedy helps people know they're not alone. Great comedy provides an answer. — Bill Hicks

Do I have a message? Yes, I do. Here's my message: as scary as the world is - and it is - it is merely a ride ... — Bill Hicks

All drugs should be legal. War is wrong. The rich get richer. The poor get poorer. Thank you. I'll be here all week. — Bill Hicks

I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit. — Bill Hicks

Are gun rights advocates arguing that roving gangs ... shooting innocent bystanders constitutes a 'well-regulated militia'? — Bill Hicks

Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. — Bill Hicks

I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America. [salutes] — Bill Hicks

It has become more and more obvious that there is one political party in America, and that is The Business Party. — Bill Hicks

I just want to be free of the fears and anxieties and the superstitions of religion. An 'avenging GOD'? One who created Hell for those who don't believe? I thought we were the perfect and holy children of GOD? How could any limits possibly be put upon us? Hell.. really? I'm sorry, but ... no. Wrong. You're wrong. That's an insane GOD and therefore not mine. Because, see, GOD would be very sane, don't you get it? — Bill Hicks

If I thought the Jews killed God, I'd worship the Jews. — Bill Hicks

The waitress comes over to me like, 'What'chu readin' for?' I had never been asked that. Not 'What am I reading?' but 'What am I reading for?' Goddammit, you stumped me. Hmm, why do I read? I suppose I read for a lot of reasons, one of the main ones being so I don't end up being a ... waffle waitress. — Bill Hicks

The role of the comedian is to say 'Wait a minute' when a consensus starts to form. — Bill Hicks

Did you know that when a guy comes, he comes 200 million sperm? And you're trying to tell me that your child is special because one out of 200 million
that load! we're talking one load!
connected. Gee, what are the fucking odds? 200 million; you know what that means? I have wiped civilizations off my chest with a gray gym sock. That is special. Entire nations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel! That is special. And I want you to remember that, you two egg-carrying beings out there, with that holier-than-thou "we have the gift of life" attitude. I've tossed universes ... in my underpants ... while napping! Boom! A milky way shoots into my jockey shorts, "Aaaah, what's for fucking breakfast? — Bill Hicks

Sometimes my dad even gets on this kick
'You hate this country' ... I have to tell him ... I just hate being lied to. — Bill Hicks

I believe that the Bible is the literal word of God. And I say no, it's not, Dad. Well, I believe that it is. Well, you know, some people believe they're Napoleon. That's fine. Beliefs are neat. Cherish them, but don't share them like they're the truth. — Bill Hicks

I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust. — Bill Hicks

I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck. — Bill Hicks

I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul — Bill Hicks

I'm an American who loves an America which doesn't exist, which is a land of freedom and free ideas. — Bill Hicks

I wouldn't give Satan a snowball's chance in Hell against a woman's ego ... — Bill Hicks

You're not a human till you're in my phone book. There. My hat is now in the political ring. — Bill Hicks

And on the seventh day, god stepped back and said and said, "This is my creation, perfect in every way ... oh, dammit I left all this pot all over the place. Now they'll think I want them to smoke it ... Now I have to create Republicans." — Bill Hicks

The puppet on the right shares my beliefs, the puppet on the left is more to my liking. Hey ... there's one guy holding up both! — Bill Hicks

Ultimately, it is in fun. It is supposed to be highly entertaining. — Bill Hicks

I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. — Bill Hicks

We really are All One ... this is the very philosophy that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for fifteen years. — Bill Hicks

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side. — Bill Hicks

Rock stars against drugs
that's what we want, isn't it? Government-approved rock-n-roll? Woo! We're partying now! — Bill Hicks

I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country ... how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one? — Bill Hicks

People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left. — Bill Hicks

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well - you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference. — Bill Hicks

Dinosaur fossils were placed in rocks by prankster God just to make human beings think the world is older than it is. — Bill Hicks

Surgeon General's warning ought to read: Smoking has been determined t0 cause cancer, heart disease & rednecks with seniority. — Bill Hicks

As long as one person lives in darkness then it seems to be a responsibility to tell other people. — Bill Hicks

It's not a war on drugs, it's a war on personal freedom. — Bill Hicks

People say to me, Hey, Bill, the war made us feel better about ourselves. Really? What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves? May I suggest, instead of a war to feel better about yourself, perhaps ... sit-ups? Maybe a fruit cup? Eight glasses of water a day? — Bill Hicks

So scary watching the news ... Like Iraq ... could ever under any stretch of the imagination be any threat to us whatsoever. — Bill Hicks

There is a 3rd point of view on the gun control issue
those who I refer to as THE VICTIMS
but they remain strangely silent ... — Bill Hicks

You think when Jesus comes back, he really wants to see a cross? That's like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on. — Bill Hicks

People in the U.K. share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself. They have a sense of irony, which America doesn't have, seeing as it's being run by fundamentalists who take things literally. — Bill Hicks

I ... am an evolved being who deals solely with the source of light ... in all of us in our own minds. No middleman required. — Bill Hicks

We are losing the 'War on Drugs,' which means there's a war going on and people on drugs are winning it. — Bill Hicks

I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage. — Bill Hicks

How many of y'all wondered, like I did, during the LA riots when those people were being pulled out of their trucks and beaten half to death - step on the f***ing gas, man! They're on foot, you're in a truck - I think I see a way out of this. — Bill Hicks

In Australia ... they celebrate Easter the same ... by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit ... left chocolate eggs in the night — Bill Hicks

I'm just skin covering coffee and some real nervous teeth. — Bill Hicks

I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. — Bill Hicks

It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time. — Bill Hicks

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions — Bill Hicks

I love talking about the Kennedy assassination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. — Bill Hicks

While I've found many of the religious shows I've viewed over the years not to be to my liking, or in line with my own beliefs, I've never considered it my place to exert any greater type of censorship than changing the channel, or better yet - turning off the TV completely. — Bill Hicks

Today, a young man on acid realised that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration and that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and you are the imagination of yourself. Here's Tom with the weather ... ! — Bill Hicks

God has this ... hobby. He creates perfection. This world is not perfect. We have to learn to separate illusions from reality. — Bill Hicks

I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, 'What's wrong?' Nothing. 'Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.' Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone? — Bill Hicks

You see, I think drugs have done some good things for us. I really do. And if you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor. Go home tonight. Take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CDs and burn them. 'Cause you know what, the musicians that made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years were rrreal fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few tunes. — Bill Hicks

Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions god's infinite love. — Bill Hicks

But where did this veneration of childbirth come from? I missed that meeting. Childbirth is wonderful, childbirth is a miracle. Wrong. It's no more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out your ass. — Bill Hicks

I'll tell you how to solve this abortion thing ... Those unwanted babies ... ? Leave about 12 of them on the Supreme Court steps. — Bill Hicks

BTW A 24 week old embryo is not a human being. You're not a human being until you're in my phone book. — Bill Hicks

How dare you have wino tell me not to do drugs. — Bill Hicks

The American dream is a crock. Stop wanting everything. Everyone should wear jeans and have three T-shirts, eat rice and beans. — Bill Hicks

You want a better world ... ? Legalize pot right now ... end the deficit? Legalize pot right now ... biggest cash crop in America. — Bill Hicks

It's an insane world, and I'm proud to be a part of it. — Bill Hicks

How do I know the Bible isn't the word of God? Well if it was the word of God it would be clear and easy to understand ... considering God was the creator of LANGUAGE! — Bill Hicks

All your beliefs, they're just that. They're nothing. They're how you were taught and raised. That doesn't make 'em real. — Bill Hicks

They believe the bible is the exact word of God - Then they change the bible! Pretty presumptuous, hu huh? "I think what God meant to say ... " — Bill Hicks

I believe it is our own misperceptions of who we really are that leads to every self-created hell you'll find in this world. — Bill Hicks

Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it. — Bill Hicks

I am available for children's parties, by the way ... — Bill Hicks

I, like all artists in Western cultures, am a shaman ... come in the guise of a comic ... to heal perception by using ... 'jokes' ... — Bill Hicks

I've had seven balls of light come off a UFO ... explain to me telepathically we are all one and there's no such thing as death. — Bill Hicks

I saw ... a kid on a leash. You seen these people? Kid on a leash? How horrible. Put him in the pound where he belongs. — Bill Hicks

All governments are lying cocksuckers. — Bill Hicks

There is no such thing as death; life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. — Bill Hicks

We are one with God and He loves us. Now if that isn't a hazard to this country-How're we gonna keep building nuclear weapons? — Bill Hicks

Laughter makes the bitter swallowing of truth, for some, a little easier. — Bill Hicks

I began working quite young, writing, growing, maturing, always striving to top myself - to make people laugh hard at things they know and believe deep in their hearts to be true. — Bill Hicks

If you are living for tomorrow, you will always be one day behind. — Bill Hicks

The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options. — Bill Hicks

The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they've never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people's minds, exposing them to the light. — Bill Hicks

You ever notice that everyone who believes in creationism looks really un-evolved? — Bill Hicks

The eyes of love see all of us as one. — Bill Hicks

Billy Ray Cyrus does not smoke. Michael Bolton doesn't ... Paula Abdul doesn't ... there does seem to be a pattern. — Bill Hicks

To me, Texas is Austin, a bunch of cool people trying to make a difference. — Bill Hicks

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out. — Bill Hicks

When you're ... stepping over a guy on the sidewalk ... does it ever occur to you to think, 'Wow. Maybe our system doesn't work?' — Bill Hicks

I was a weekend drinker ... I'd start on Saturday, end on Friday ... thought I was controlling it ... but I don't drink any more. — Bill Hicks

Isn't that weird, we've made nature against the law. That's how un-natural we've become. — Bill Hicks

I don't know what you all believe, and I don't really care ... but you have to admit that beliefs are odd. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks ... you really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross? — Bill Hicks

A lotta Christians wear crosses 'round their necks; do you think if Jesus comes back he ever wants to see another cross? — Bill Hicks

I've said all that I've had to say. — Bill Hicks

Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years. — Bill Hicks

What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion? ... — Bill Hicks

I am a misanthropic humanist ... Do I like people? They're great, IN THEORY. — Bill Hicks

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day". Yeah, looks like He rushed it — Bill Hicks