Artie Lange Quotes & Sayings

I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate. — Artie Lange

Only when you're in that ditch, lying there in the muddy runoff you've made of your life, gazing up at the peak you fell from, do you truly know how small you are and understand how tall you used to be. — Artie Lange

Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the subject of it, sometimes it's more offensive. If someone's insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot. — Artie Lange

Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine. — Artie Lange

Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that. — Artie Lange

Howard's unbelievably nutty, politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me. — Artie Lange

I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking — Artie Lange

I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too. — Artie Lange

I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say. — Artie Lange

Jason Alexander is a committed actor, he went from working on a show about nothing to actually doing nothing. — Artie Lange

For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah. — Artie Lange

I used to be a longshoreman. I didn't go to college. I have a voice that when I say something, it can sound way meaner than you think it is. — Artie Lange

I got into comedy so I could stay out all night. — Artie Lange

I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro. — Artie Lange

My father was a really good athlete, so his pop-ups really were sky high. Eventually I learned how to judge them properly and catch them well. It was great training for when I started to play on teams, which I did all through school. — Artie Lange

You know you have a gambling problem when it's 4 A.M. at the Mirage Sports Book and you're walking around going, 'Hey you get the lacrosse scores?' — Artie Lange

And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard. — Artie Lange

Richard Lewis is the master at taking a joke that he's told a million times in a row in the past year, on the road, and making it look like he's pulling it out of thin air. — Artie Lange

The road is a lonely place, and that sounds like a cliche, you know, like what is my life? — Artie Lange

When you're an adult, when times are good, entire years go by in what feels like the space of one season. But the worst trick time plays on you is just how slowly the worst times in your life take you to live through. — Artie Lange

When I encountered rich people for the first time, I discovered that not only do they holiday in places that are hard to find on a map, but that they also use the names of seasons as verbs. When they asked me, 'Where did you summer and winter growing up?' I would usually say, 'As a child? The same place I springed and autumned.' — Artie Lange

When I got on Stern I realized that this was the one job where you could be really honest and open, almost like Richard Pryor or something. You can be honest about your life and get laughs. — Artie Lange

Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut. — Artie Lange

Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine. — Artie Lange

Whiskey will always be a part of my life. — Artie Lange

My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be. — Artie Lange

People are so nice, you know. It's such a credit to Howard Stern - the audience base that he created is such a special thing. It took him a long time to create this family of fans, and I was lucky to be a part of that for a while. — Artie Lange

Frank Sebastiano is a real write. He has two Emmys, one from 'SNL' and the other from 'The Chris Rock Show' . The only award I have is an FM-mmy. — Artie Lange

The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off. — Artie Lange

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation. — Artie Lange

I'm the type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually it gets awful. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table tonight at 10 o'clock, by tomorrow at noon I would be running guns to Cuba. — Artie Lange

Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38. — Artie Lange

I never went through a period were I wanted to be a doctor, a cop or even a rock star. All I wanted to do was play short stop for the Yankees from the time I was about 5. Then I turned 15 and realized how silly that was and just gave up on it. — Artie Lange

I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good. — Artie Lange

A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don't realize this, he's a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he'd ground out to second for him. — Artie Lange

I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life. — Artie Lange

When I became a standup comic, my hero, one of them, was Richard Pryor, and you know, I think that comedians, like, comedians talk about hacks, and what a hack is, is someone who does stuff that's not original. — Artie Lange

I'm like the master of ceremonies being funny, and then sometimes people you're with, girlfriends and stuff, are like, 'God I wish I had the person on stage to be with all the time.' — Artie Lange

I like gambling on stuff that you don't know anything about. That's when it's exciting. — Artie Lange

I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke. — Artie Lange

It's not a drug problem, until you run out of money. Until then it's just drugs. — Artie Lange

I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something. — Artie Lange

I'm a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m. — Artie Lange

'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty. — Artie Lange

By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long. — Artie Lange

It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world. — Artie Lange

I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete. — Artie Lange

I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs. — Artie Lange

In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party. — Artie Lange

It's good to be alive. — Artie Lange

It's weird because standup can be like therapy. Comedians can't be satisfied with just having fun with our friends. We've got to figure out a way to do it on stage. — Artie Lange

Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself. — Artie Lange

Unlike a lot of comics, I didn't care about getting on 'Saturday Night Live.' That show had such history and was so established that I didn't see the point. — Artie Lange

It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this. — Artie Lange

When you did impressions on 'MADtv,' the producers gave you a Walkman that played huge sections of whatever movie was being parodied, with your character's catchphrases recorded on a loop. You'd wear this thing around during rehearsals and for a week listen to the voice you had to impersonate over and over again. It drove all of us crazy. — Artie Lange

Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death. — Artie Lange

The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent. — Artie Lange

When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep. — Artie Lange

But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything. — Artie Lange

To tell you the truth, I always wanted to be a sketch comedian and a comedy actor. — Artie Lange

All I can say is that you only realize how big your mountain is once you're laying motionless, helpless, and hopeless in the valley below. No one goes there on purpose, if you get what I'm saying, because the only way to find your personal low is to slip and roll down that mountain of yours, straight through to the bottom, no holds barred. — Artie Lange

As a child, as far as I was concerned, my dad had an amazing job, and we had all the money we needed. My life was so fun and carefree that I didn't realize at all that we weren't rich - until I met someone rich. Still, I've never met a rich kid who grew up as happy as I did. — Artie Lange

I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine. — Artie Lange

Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting. — Artie Lange

Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me. — Artie Lange

Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time. — Artie Lange

You know you're on stage being the life of the party and trying to get laughs, and then, in a lot of ways, you don't have anything to give once you give it to the people. — Artie Lange

I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself. — Artie Lange

If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row. — Artie Lange

Thank God I have a financial planner who is really conservative. — Artie Lange

My mother would say, before I left the house, 'Remember Art, hugs are better than drugs.' And I believed my mother, I believed everything she said - until the first time I got high at a party. I leaned back, and I went, 'God, this is way better than when my Uncle Perry hugs me. What else has my mother been lying to me about? — Artie Lange

To tell you the truth, there are all these websites predicting my early death, and it's starting to work on me! — Artie Lange

Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just ... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do in standup is create spontaneity, somehow; even though you've done this act a million times, you gotta look like you're almost just thinking of it now, to make it entertainer. — Artie Lange

The Howard Stern Show is a big hit because it entertains dumb and smart people at the same time for different reasons. — Artie Lange

I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem. — Artie Lange

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life. — Artie Lange

Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do. — Artie Lange

I got cast on 'MADtv' as one of eight permanent cast members chosen from 8,000 comics who'd been screened. For any comic trying to make something of themselves, that was like hitting triple 7s-jackpot. — Artie Lange

Woody Allen stayed so good because he never left New York. Howard Stern stayed so good because he never left New York - Mel Brooks when he just got out of New York was doing 'Blazing Saddles;' when he left New York he started doing stuff like 'Robin Hood Men In Tights' - he was in L.A. too long. He lost the edge. — Artie Lange

I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale. — Artie Lange

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian. — Artie Lange

Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose. — Artie Lange

If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it? — Artie Lange

You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went wait, don't curse. — Artie Lange

When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy's stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, 'cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either. — Artie Lange