Allie Brosh Quotes & Sayings

And finally - FINALLY - after a lifetime of feelings and anxiety and more feelings, I didn't have any feelings left. I had spent my last feeling being disappointed that I couldn't rent Jumanji. — Allie Brosh

When I encounter someone I haven't seen in a while, I have never once thought, I should jump at them and poke their face with my fingers and keep doing that until someone locks me in the bathroom. Because that's insane. What would you think if I did that to your dog friends? — Allie Brosh

She knew that if I was allowed even a tiny amount of sugar, not only would I become intensely hyperactive, but the entire scope of my existence would funnel down to the singular goal of obtaining and ingesting more sugar. My need for sugar would become so massive — Allie Brosh

And that's the most frustrating thing about depression. It isn't always something you can fight back against with hope. It isn't even something - it's nothing. And you can't combat nothing. — Allie Brosh

I'd try to explain that it's not really negativity or sadness anymore, it's more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can't feel anything about anything - even the things you love, even fun things - and you're horribly bored and lonely. — Allie Brosh

I had tasted cake and there was no going back. My tiny body had morphed into a writhing mass of pure tenacity encased in a layer of desperation. I would eat all of the cake or I would evaporate from the sheer power of my desire to eat it. — Allie Brosh

Being a good person is a very important part of my identity, but being a genuinely good person is time-consuming and complicated. — Allie Brosh

I had spent my last feeling being disappointed that I couldn't rent Jumanji. (...) And thus began a tiny rebelion. — Allie Brosh

Procrastination has become a it's own solution - a tool I can use to push myself so close to disaster that I become terrified and flee towards success. — Allie Brosh

I'm still depressed, but how depressed I am varies, which is good. Much of the time, it's a comfortable numbness that just makes things feel muted. Other times, I'm standing in the shower or something and I can feel the nothingness hurtling toward me at eight thousand miles per hour and there's nothing I can really do aside from let it happen and wait until it goes away again. — Allie Brosh

But when you're concerned that the miserable, boring wasteland in front of you might stretch all the way into forever, not knowing feels strangely hope-like. — Allie Brosh

My mom quickly tired of having to hold the cake out of my reach. She tried to hide the cake, but I found it almost immediately. She tried putting the cake on top of the refrigerator, but my freakish climbing abilities soon proved it to be an unsatisfactory solution. — Allie Brosh

Dear other iterations of my past self, Thank you for not being so goddamn weird that I felt I had to address you personally in a letter from the future. I commend you. — Allie Brosh

The absurdity of working so hard to continue doing something you don't like can be overwhelming. — Allie Brosh

The beginning of my depression had been nothing but feelings, so the emotional deadening that followed was a welcome relief. I had always viewed feelings as a weakness-annoying obstacles on my quest for total power over myself. And I finally didn't have to feel them anymore. — Allie Brosh

Then the guilt from my ignored responsibilities grows so large that merely carrying it around with me feels like a huge responsibility. It takes up a sizable portion of my capacity, leaving me almost completely useless for anything other than consuming nachos and surfing the Internet like an attention-deficient squirrel on PCP. — Allie Brosh

It's disappointing to feel sad for no reason. Sadness can be almost pleasantly indulgent when you have a way to justify it. — Allie Brosh

But, against all odds, my gigantic ego continues to attempt greatness. — Allie Brosh

Not giving a fuck and not being able to give a fuck. — Allie Brosh

But as I grew older, it became harder and harder to access that expansive imaginary space that made my toys fun. I remember looking at them and feeling sort of frustrated and confused that things weren't the same. — Allie Brosh

How am I supposed to like myself if all these shitty things keep happening because I do them??? — Allie Brosh

The shelter worker said, "This one hates everything and she doesn't know anything, and I hope you aren't planning on taking her outside ever because she's more like a bear than a dog, really, and unfortunately, she can scale a seven-foot-tall fence like the fucking Spider-Man." And we were like, "Sure, why not. — Allie Brosh

When the soul-penetrating pathos she was beaming at me failed to prevent me from continuing to put things in boxes, the helper dog became increasingly alarmed. Over the ensuing few days, she slowly descended into psychological chaos. The simple dog remained unfazed. — Allie Brosh

By now, I'm sure you can see that most of the things you want are stupid and most of the decisions you make are bad. — Allie Brosh

LOOK AT MEEE LOOK I own all the bananas now. Give me a dollar. Fuck you. Help me. — Allie Brosh

YOU R sO bRUEtifUL...
how R U so BRUTEfUL and good? — Allie Brosh

On a fundamental level, I am someone who would throw sand at children. — Allie Brosh

I've always wanted not to give a fuck. While crying helplessly into my pillow for no good reason, I would often fantasize that maybe someday I could be one of those stoic badasses whose emotions are mostly comprised of rock music and not being afraid of things. — Allie Brosh

And that's how I got to go to a birthday party while very heavily sedated. — Allie Brosh

When you start figuring out how full of shit you are, it's like opening a tunnel to all the lies you've ever told yourself. The tunnel is really deep and scary, but you're suspicious about it and you want to see what's down there. — Allie Brosh

If you were sitting quietly on your couch, waiting for your girlfriend to come back inside so you could finish watching your movie, and while you were waiting, someone called you up and said "I'll give you a million dollars if you can guess what's going to happen next," you absolutely would not guess "I am going to be brutally and unexpectedly attacked by a goose in my own home." Even if you had a hundred guesses, you would not guess that. — Allie Brosh

I don't like when I can't control what reality is doing. Which is unfortunate because reality works independently of the things I want, and I have only a limited number of ways to influence it, none of which are guaranteed to work. I still want to keep tabs on reality, though. Just in case it tries to do anything sneaky. It makes me feel like I'm contributing. The illusion of control makes the helplessness seem more palatable. And when that illusion is taken away, I panic. — Allie Brosh

I stock up on fancy food because I'm also planning on morphing into a master chef and actually cooking instead of just eating nachos for dinner every night. — Allie Brosh

I've always wanted to not give a fuck. While crying helplessly into my pillow for no good reason, I would often fantasize that maybe someday I could be one of those stoic badasses whose emotions are mostly comprised of rock music and not being afraid of things. And finally - finally - after a lifetime of feelings and anxiety and more feelings, I didn't have any feelings left. — Allie Brosh

Most people can motivate themselves to do things simply by knowing that those things need to be done. But not me. For me, motivation is this horrible, scary game where I try to make myself do something while I actively avoid doing it. If I win, I have to do something I don't want to do. And if I lose, I'm one step closer to ruining my entire life. And I never know whether I'm going to win or lose until the last second. — Allie Brosh

Nobody can guarantee that it's going to be okay, but - and I don't know if this will be comforting to anyone else - the possibility exists that there's a piece of corn on a floor somewhere that will make you just as confused about why you were laughing as you have ever been about why you are depressed. — Allie Brosh

Cake is the only thing that matters. — Allie Brosh

It's a strange moment when you realize that you don't want to be alive anymore. — Allie Brosh

Fear and shame are the backbone of my self-control. They are my source of inspiration, my insurance against becoming entirely unacceptable. They help me do the right thing. And I am terrified of what I would be without them. Because I suspect that, left to my own devices, I would completely lose control of my life. I'm still hoping that perhaps someday I'll learn how to use willpower like a real person, but until that very unlikely day, I will confidently battle toward adequacy, wielding my crude skill set of fear and shame. — Allie Brosh

But my experiences slowly flattened and blended together until it became obvious that there's a huge difference between not giving a fuck and not being able to give a fuck. Cognitively, you might know that different things are happening to you, but they don't feel different. — Allie Brosh

To reiterate, no matter how much pepper you eat, it won't undo the ludicrous amount of salt you ate before it. — Allie Brosh

Trimming your dogs nails is a traumatic event that requires three people, a beach towel, and a can of spray cheese. — Allie Brosh

I suspect that, left to my own devices, I would completely lose control of my life. — Allie Brosh

I cope with it the best way I know - by being completely unreasonable and trying to force everything else in the world to obey me and do all the nonsensical things I want. — Allie Brosh

The thing about being an unstoppable force is that you can really only enjoy the experience of being one when you have something to bash yourself against. You need to have things trying to stop you so that you can get a better sense of how fast you are going as you smash through them. And whenever I was inside the dinosaur costume, that is the only thing I wanted to do. — Allie Brosh

I had always viewed feelings as a weakness - annoying obstacles on my quest for total power over myself. — Allie Brosh

You lazy, floor banana motherf***** — Allie Brosh

But trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back. A fundamental component of the plan is missing and it isn't going to work. — Allie Brosh

The window was covered by a screen, but my dad had shown me how to remove a screen as a preemptive safety measure in case I was trapped in a fire and he couldn't get to me and I turned out to be too stupid to figure out how to kick in a screen to escape death by burning. — Allie Brosh

Dear 25 year old [note: not "Dear 25-year-old me" or "Dear 25-year-old self," just "Dear 25 year old"], — Allie Brosh

Unfortunately, the source of my shittiness is the fact that I'm shitty. I just am. It is not possible for me to not be that way. I can prevent myself from being actively shitty. I can do things that a not-shitty person would do. But the shittiness is always going to be there, just beneath the surface, straining to get out. — Allie Brosh

It wants to focus on being a good person, not just a barely not horrible one. — Allie Brosh

motivation is this horrible, scary game where I try to make myself do something while I actively avoid doing it. If I win, I have to do something I don't want to do. If I lose, I'm one step closer to ruining my entire life. — Allie Brosh

Packing all of your belongings into a U-Haul and then transporting them across several states is nearly as stressful and futile as trying to run away from lava in swim fins. — Allie Brosh

Be an unsinkable ship.' Basically, making yourself seaworthy is easier than trying to control the sea. — Allie Brosh

Fortunately, it turns out that being scared of yourself is a somewhat effective motivational technique. — Allie Brosh

It wasn't a particularly brilliant plan. In fact, one could argue that nothing about it made sense at all. And we knew it wouldn't end well. We knew we wouldn't be able to escape once we were found. But we weren't driven by logic. We were driven by something deeper - some desperate part of us that maybe just wanted to see exactly how obnoxious we could be. — Allie Brosh

She is our dog. And because she is our dog, we can pick out the tiny, almost imperceptible good qualities from the ocean of terrible qualities, and we can cling to them. Because we want to love our dog. — Allie Brosh

One of the most terrifying things that has ever happened to me was watching myself over and over again
thirty-five days in a row
not to return a movie I had rented. Every day, I saw it sitting there on the arm of my couch. And every day, I thought, "I should really do something about that ... " and then I just didn't. — Allie Brosh

I've gotten pretty good at making myself feel ashamed. I can even use shame in a theoretical sense to make myself do the right thing BEFORE I do the wrong thing. — Allie Brosh

I am incensed that reality has the audacity to do some of the things it does when I CLEARLY don't want those things to happen. — Allie Brosh

I couldn't even muster the enthusiasm to hate myself anymore. — Allie Brosh

For me, motivation is this horrible, scary game where I try to make myself do something while I actively avoid doing it. — Allie Brosh

Because I can see the future and I know what will happen if I let you play with the lawn mower. — Allie Brosh

For a little while, I actually feel grown-up and responsible. I strut around with my head held high, looking the other responsible people in the eye with that knowing glance that says, I understand. I'm responsible now too. Just look at my groceries. — Allie Brosh

Because, deep down, I know how pointless and helpless I am, and it scares me. I am an animal trapped in a horrifying, lawless environment, and I have no idea what it's going to do to me. It just DOES it to me. — Allie Brosh

I don't just want to do the right thing. I want to WANT to do the right thing. — Allie Brosh

You aren't allowed to decide because you are really bad at making decisions. — Allie Brosh

I prepare for my new life as an adult like some people prepare for the apocalypse. The first day or two of my plans usually goes okay. — Allie Brosh

I don't like being inconvenienced, and I especially don't like being inconvenienced too many times in a row. If something I don't like happens, then several more things that I don't like happen directly afterward, that is too many. They shouldn't cluster like that.
Unfortunately, that's just how probability works. — Allie Brosh

Procrastination has become its own solution - a tool I can use to push myself so close to disaster that I become terrified and flee toward success. A more troubling matter is the day-to-day activities that don't have massive consequences when I neglect to do them. — Allie Brosh

Reality should follow through on what I think it is going to do. — Allie Brosh

No one could tell me not to eat an entire cake - not my mom, not Santa, not God - no one. It was my cake and everyone else could go fuck themselves. — Allie Brosh

I followed myself around like a bully, narrating my thoughts and actions with a constant stream of abuse. — Allie Brosh

However, I could no longer rely on genuine emotion to generate facial expressions, and when you have to spend every social interaction consciously manipulating your face into shapes that are only approximately the right ones, alienating people is inevitable. — Allie Brosh

At first, I'd try to explain that it's not really negativity or sadness anymore, it's more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can't feel anything about anything - even the things you love, even fun things - and you're horribly bored and lonely, but since you've lost your ability to connect with any of the things that would normally make you feel less bored and lonely, you're stuck in the boring, lonely, meaningless void without anything to distract you from how boring, lonely, and meaningless it is. — Allie Brosh

Dear five-year-old, What the fuck is wrong with you? Normal children don't have dead imaginary friends. Normal children don't pick open every single one of their chicken pox scabs and then stand naked and bleeding in the darkened doorway to their bedroom until someone walks past and asks what they are doing. Furthermore, normal children don't respond by saying, "I wanted to know what all my blood would look like." Normal children also don't watch their parents sleep from the corner of the room. Mom was really scarred by The Exorcist when she was younger, and she doesn't know how to cope with your increasingly creepy behavior. Please stop. Please, please stop. — Allie Brosh

Slowly, my feelings started to shrivel up. The few that managed to survive the constant beatings staggered around like wounded baby deer, just biding their time until they could die and join all the other carcasses strewn across the wasteland of my soul. — Allie Brosh

-to me, the future doesn't seem real. It's just this magical place where I can put my responsibilities so that I don't have to be scared while hurtling toward failure at right hundred miles per hour. — Allie Brosh

When I say that deciding to not kill myself was the worst part, I should clarify that I don't mean it in a retrospective sense. From where I am now, it seems like a solid enough decision. But at the time, it felt like I had been dragging myself through the most miserable, endless wasteland, and - far in the distance - I had seen the promising glimmer of a slightly less miserable wasteland. — Allie Brosh

I was a god - the god of cake - and I was unstoppable. — Allie Brosh

IT'S HARD not pushing people and not throwing sand at them. — Allie Brosh

It's so somewhat effective that I now rely on it almost exclusively when I need to get myself to do something — Allie Brosh

The longer I procrastinate on returning phone calls and emails, the more guilty I feel about it. The guilt I feel causes me to avoid the issue further, which only leads to more guilt and more procrastination. It gets to the point where I don't email someone for fear of reminding them that they emailed me and thus giving them a reason to be disappointed in me. — Allie Brosh

You don't have to be a good person to feel like a good person, though. There's a loophole I found where I don't do good, helpful things, but I keep myself in a perpetual state of thinking I might. — Allie Brosh

It's weird for people who still have feelings to be around depressed people. They try to help you have feelings again so things can go back to normal, and it's frustrating for them when that doesn't happen. — Allie Brosh

What I am is constantly thrust into my face while I'm trying to be better than I am. Even if I'm actively doing all the right things, I can't escape the fact that my internal reactions are those of a fundamentally horrible person. — Allie Brosh

There I was, casually wishing that I could stop existing in the same way you'd want to leave an empty room or mute an unbearably repetitive noise. — Allie Brosh