Adam Carolla Quotes & Sayings

Fixing your fucked-up life is not government's job. — Adam Carolla

I'm not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don't even want them to laugh half the time. — Adam Carolla

The thing about a good podcast is you have to have a good host. If you don't have a compelling host then you have nothing. — Adam Carolla

Unfinished Beer Guy: I can't tell you how many times I've had a party on a Saturday night, and then walk around for an hour on Sunday morning, tearfully emptying 2,600 unfinished beers. I feel like the guys who removed the bodies from a Civil War battlefield. — Adam Carolla

A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money. Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money - do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing. — Adam Carolla

It's like the Fouth of July in my underpants. — Adam Carolla

Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel in any way, shape or form that I'm taking over his show. — Adam Carolla

It's something I've always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the Rich Man, Poor Man thing. — Adam Carolla

Honestly, I've always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed - that kind of stuff. — Adam Carolla

When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that. — Adam Carolla

Humans need challenges to overcome, just like a muscle needs resistance to grow. In a zero-gravity environment, an astronaut's muscles atrophy because there is no resistance. The government giving you a bunch of handouts and living your life for you is the equivalent of doing push-ups in outer space. Big government is like the void of space - it's massive, constantly expanding, and if we immerse ourselves in it, we'll simply wither away. — Adam Carolla

If the media isn't slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin? — Adam Carolla

Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys. We're always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it. — Adam Carolla

In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money ... and not do stuff that was dirty. I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn't very good at it. — Adam Carolla

Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff. — Adam Carolla

When you have kids, your castle becomes their bouncy castle. In my case, this is literally true. Jimmy Kimmel bought Sonny and Natalia this inflatable castle in 2012. It's the real deal. At first, I thought he had rented it. No, he bought it. — Adam Carolla

When you're doing a radio show, you can express yourself. — Adam Carolla

No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader. — Adam Carolla

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating. — Adam Carolla

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind. — Adam Carolla

As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math. If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife's side of the bed at night. If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains. — Adam Carolla

The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were. — Adam Carolla

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you. — Adam Carolla

As I've often said, this is the biggest problem we have in our society - unwanted kids. If we solve this problem we solve all the other problems. So we have to start judging. As I said before, we judge smokers more harshly than we judge deadbeat dads in our current society. Seriously, how many antismoking PSAs have you seen this week vs. ones saying raise your kids, or don't have kids if you can't afford them? And what's hurting our society more? People need to see that asshole and call him an asshole so maybe other people thinking about being assholes wouldn't become assholes. We stopped judging people a long time ago because the idiots on the left told us everyone is the same and that we couldn't do that. We need to bring back judging. — Adam Carolla

People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on. — Adam Carolla

I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future. — Adam Carolla

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes. — Adam Carolla

I'd never hurt another person. — Adam Carolla

Here's a handy list of warning signs of the worst people on the road. Some are tuned-out menaces, others are just assholes. Be alert, and if you see this on a vehicle close to you, get away now. STICK FIGURE FAMILY: I hereby decree that you are allowed to accelerate to ramming speed every time you see a minivan with a silhouette of the family and their names on the rear window. We get it, you didn't pull out. Is that information you really think I'm interested in? I know you're a parent. You're driving a Plymouth Voyager with two hundred thousand miles on it; do you imagine I'm behind you thinking, "Who is that gay entrepreneur?" Even worse is the theme family. Oh, you're into snowboarding? Oh, you've got cats? Oh, they've all got Mickey ears, they must really love Disney. You know what I love? Driving more than fifty-three miles an hour. How about a stick figure depiction of your family moving the fuck over and letting me get to work on time? — Adam Carolla

Rich people don't pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes - they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn't pay taxes. — Adam Carolla

Think about the reality shows we used to watch versus those today. It used to be "champagne wishes and caviar dreams" on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. It was inspirational. Now it's a diabetic chick with festering bedsores who collects her own toenails in Ziploc bags. We've gone from "Life Styles of the Rich and Famous" to "Lice Styles of the Poor and Depressed." It's all geared and produced for the viewers to think, "Well, my life is bad but not that bad. They just cut back my hours at work but I'm watching a chick who will eventually be killed by the avalanche of her own hoarded newspapers. — Adam Carolla

[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month. — Adam Carolla

Life is just the time between crapping yourself. — Adam Carolla

ability to know that you're not perfect but that you can get better if you look within, internalize the struggle, and work harder, instead of bringing everyone else down. — Adam Carolla

I mean, we sit around and we go, you know, 'Torture doesn't work.' Well, it's been around for 5,000 years. Most stuff that doesn't work goes the way of the dodo pretty quick, like waterbeds and 8-tracks and things like that. — Adam Carolla

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none. — Adam Carolla

If you're conservative in Hollywood, you're on a list of people who need to be put in their place. — Adam Carolla

Lamb-skin condoms must send a mixed message to guys who like to fuck sheep. And I wonder what the answer would be if you were to talk to a sheep about whether they would rather become a car-seat cover or a condom? If the sheep answers "condom," I think we can assume that sheep is gay. Sure you're sliding into a lady part, but you're going to have some guy coming inside you. — Adam Carolla

People always said to me, "You must have been dyslexic." I wasn't. Why is it that when a white kid can't read people say he's dyslexic but when a black kid can't read people say he "fell through the cracks." This is a racist thought. I was as white as they come, and I fell through the cracks known as my parents and the Los Angeles school system. That said, Dyslexia would make a great black name. Sounds like a good wide out for the Steelers. — Adam Carolla

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that. — Adam Carolla

I'm not a Republican. — Adam Carolla

I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don't think there is no God; I know there's no God. I know there's no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe. I know there's no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won't admit it because there's another thing they know. They know they're going to die and it freaks them out. So most people don't have the courage to admit there's no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out. — Adam Carolla

Don't do your best, do my best. — Adam Carolla

It should be like a salmon taking to open water. I've done so much morning radio that I won't be overwhelmed by it, but it's still going to be a challenge. — Adam Carolla

We're a morbidly obese rainbow. — Adam Carolla

I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid. — Adam Carolla

Being a depressed hippie is a lose-lose. It would be like if a rice cake had the caloric content of a MoonPie. — Adam Carolla

Welfare is monetary methadone. — Adam Carolla

I guess my feeling is is that if you're going to make a joke, that's fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you're trying to make. — Adam Carolla

To all of you reading this who are on the fence about therapy because of the cost: It's smart money, spend it. That one hundred bucks an hour pays off down the road when you learn through therapy how to get out of your own way, stop self-sabotaging and thus make good decisions about relationships and career. Think of it as an investment in yourself. Simply going to therapy helps. Just carving out an hour for yourself, and deciding that you and your life are worth spending some time and money on makes a difference. That simple act alone boosts your self-esteem. Don't think of going to therapy as "I'm a broken pile of crap and need someone to fix me," think of it as "I'm going to change myself for the better instead of crying, masturbating and blaming my parents for the rest of my life. — Adam Carolla

The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It's a work of art, I love the interior and the style of the car. — Adam Carolla

This silliness always starts with celebrities and then spreads to the common folk. — Adam Carolla

My son I worry about. I'm pretty sure he's gonna be gay. At this point I'm just hoping he's not a bottom. Sorry to sound closed-minded and uptight, but let's face it, no dad wants his son to be gay. Not only do you get no grandkids, but I'm sure high school is no picnic for a fifteen-year-old gay boy. On the other hand, maybe I'm just viewing this through the bifocals of an old heterosexual dude. The way things are going, my son will probably get his ass kicked for not being gay. 'Carolla thinks he's too good to suck cock. Come on boys, lets get him. — Adam Carolla

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis! — Adam Carolla

It's like the guy who announces his wife is his best friend. He doesn't mean it; he just does it to make the rest of us look like assholes. — Adam Carolla

My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine. — Adam Carolla

I'm a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy. — Adam Carolla

If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not. — Adam Carolla

Everything seems overwhelming when you stand back and look at the totality of it. I build a lot of stuff and it would all seem impossible if I didn't break it down piece by piece, stage by stage. The best gift you can give yourself is some drive
that thing inside of you that gets you out the door to the gym, job interviews, and dates. The believe-in-yourself adage is grossly overrated. — Adam Carolla

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road. — Adam Carolla

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care. — Adam Carolla

You can be an expert on anything if you just use logic. — Adam Carolla

As a kid, did you think when you grew up you'd be spoken to as if you were still in preschool? When did it become okay to treat adults this way? — Adam Carolla

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone ... forever? — Adam Carolla

We have brains and we have books. — Adam Carolla

Screw guilt
I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn't bother me. I'm an atheist! — Adam Carolla

I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is. — Adam Carolla

I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the 'Every vote counts.' — Adam Carolla

If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course ... Real estate values go 'boom!' — Adam Carolla

I'm just a normal guy with some good solid common sense who has zero tolerance for those with zero intelligence. — Adam Carolla

That's the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can't pursue your dream till you're 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you. — Adam Carolla

Three-year-olds have no control over their lives. If you don't want your kids competing in pageants, you hold the power, not them. I sincerely doubt a six-year-old would hitchhike to the banquet room at the Sheraton and compete in the Little Miss Shaker Heights pageant herself if her emotionally damaged Mommy wasn't pushing her. — Adam Carolla

Nowadays, telling your wife "I have to work" gets you a disappointed sigh. This is the worst period in history to be a dad. It used to be that if you worked and provided that was enough. — Adam Carolla

My first car was a motorcycle. — Adam Carolla

I'm like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs. — Adam Carolla

I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much. — Adam Carolla

I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other. — Adam Carolla

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of. — Adam Carolla

Here's one way to tell if you're driving how I want you to - nay, how America needs you to. Whenever I drive my dad around, I see him mashing his feet into the floor mat. The old man is using imaginary brakes because I'm driving so hard. When your passenger is trying to stop the vehicle with his feet like Fred Flintstone, this is the ultimate tip of the cap. — Adam Carolla

I have no connection with Hollywood. I'm not interested. I don't care. — Adam Carolla

To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can't you do. — Adam Carolla

I'm a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I'm into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars. — Adam Carolla

My life is about building and working and wrenching on some cars. — Adam Carolla

People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.' — Adam Carolla

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was? — Adam Carolla

When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds. — Adam Carolla

I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeezus out of yogurt, but I haven't seen one pie commercial. — Adam Carolla

I swear my car won't run unless I'm picking my nose: At least, I'm that superstitious about it, so I don't want to take any chances. — Adam Carolla

He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome. — Adam Carolla

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13. — Adam Carolla

I'm harmless. I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you're that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with. — Adam Carolla

I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist. — Adam Carolla

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible. — Adam Carolla

The truth is we're all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else's book. We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel. — Adam Carolla

Now the poles have gotten so far apart that anyone who isn't officiating a gay wedding at a Whole Foods is considered to be to the right of Rush Limbaugh. — Adam Carolla

Here's the thing about birthdays. Your dad didn't pull out. You didn't do shit. You didn't earn anything. I'll tell you who else has or had birthday celebrations each year: Charles Manson, Jim Jones, Osama bin Laden, Pol Pot, Jeremy Piven, and Ted Bundy. All the people you hate in life, all the pedophiles, all the murderers, all the IRS auditors have birthdays. I don't think we should celebrate Idi Amin's birthday and I don't think we should celebrate yours either. — Adam Carolla

The very definition of 'beauty' is outside. — Adam Carolla

If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station. — Adam Carolla

There are certain things women are better at than men. — Adam Carolla

There are children in Africa that go to bed without a buzz. — Adam Carolla