X Ray Humor Quotes & Sayings

True wealth is not what you have, it's what you're left with with when all you have is gone. — James Arthur Ray

The Lord is not serious. In fact, it is a little hard to know just what else He is except loving. And love has to do with humor, doesn't it? For you cannot love someone unless you put up with him, can you? And you cannot put up with someone constantly unless you can laugh at him. Isn't that true? And certainly we are rediculous little animals wallowing in the fudge bowl, and God must love us all the more because we appeal to his humor. — Ray Bradbury

Nobody touches my ding dongs! — Ray S. Jones

A woman's voice answered, "Hello?"
Walter cried back at her, "Hello, oh Lord, hello!"
"This is a recording," recited the woman's voice. "Miss Helen Arasumian is not home. Will you leave a message on the wire spool so she may call you when she returns? Hello? This is a recording. Miss Helen Arasumian is not home. Will you leave a message -"
He hung up.
He sat with his mouth twitching.
On second thought he redialed that number.
"When Miss Helen Arasumian comes home," he said, "tell her to go to hell. — Ray Bradbury

Christ, you could massacre half a Hindu village and still look like Peter Rabbit. What are you stuffed with?"
"Chocolate bars. And I keep six kinds of ice-cream in my icebox, when I can afford it. — Ray Bradbury

Prayer works (unless God has a different plan for you, that is different than what you want). Pray now. It works best if God is undecided. — Juanita Ray

Sucks to be left out of adolescence, sort of like getting locked in the closet on Venus when the sun appears for the first time in a hundred years. — Junot Diaz

Pride is a great energizer for me. --Titus Ray, Chapter 1. — Luana Ehrlich

The truth is what we say it is ... prove to me this desk is not a cow! — Ray S. Jones

New Rule: Someone must x-ray my stomach to see if the Peeps I ate on Easter are still in there, intact and completely undigested. And I'm not talking about this past Easter. I'm talking about the last time I celebrated Easter, in 1962. — Bill Maher

I don't believe this. This is utter shit!" I yelled.
"Does it look like I'm lying?" Steven asked.
I rolled my eyes at his incredibly stupid question, "I don't know. Let me look at you with my x-ray vision to see through this stupid blindfold and I'll get back to you. — Sara Massa

I wish I could be as thin as Jessica Simpson. I think she looks gorgeous! I have had Jessica on my show several times, and I can tell you that girl is genuine and funny with a great self-deprecating sense of humor. — Rachael Ray

Those women like to see their tongues dance. — Ray Bradbury

I want to hold onto this funny thing. God, it's gotten big on me. I don't know what it is. I'm so damned unhappy, I'm so mad, and I don't know why. I feel like I'm putting on weight. I feel fat. I feel like I'm saving a lot of things, and I don't know what. I might even start reading books. — Ray Bradbury

The bat was looking at Theo and Theo was having trouble following his own thoughts.The bat was wearing tiny sunglasses.Ray Bans,Theo could see by the trademark in the corner of one lens."I'm sorry, Mr.,uh- Case, could you take the bat off your head.It's very distracting."
Him."
Pardon?"
It's a him.Roberto.He no like the light. — Christopher Moore

It's continuously humbling to work hard, you know? As long as you've got a good work ethic and a sense of humor, I don't think anybody can become too much of an egoist under those circumstances. — Rachael Ray

... After all, each story is a Rorschach Test, isn't it? And if people find beasties and bedbugs in my ink-splotches, I cannot prevent it, can I? They will insist on seeing them, anyway, and that is their privilege. Still, I wish people, quasi-intellectuals, did not try so hard to find the man under the old maid's bed. More often than not, as we know, he simply isn't there. — Ray Bradbury

In my own field, x-ray crystallography, we used to work out the structure of minerals by various dodges which we never bothered to write down, we just used them. Then Linus Pauling came along to the laboratory, saw what we were doing and wrote out what we now call Pauling's Rules. We had all been using Pauling's Rules for about three or four years before Pauling told us what the rules were. — J. D. Bernal

The comics that are just conversing with you up there and drawing on their own life, yeah, I guess so. I guess some do political humor, some do topical humor, but the ones that I like, the ones that are appealing to me, were guys who were just talking to you about their life. — Ray Romano

You're a fool, a damn fool, an awful fool, an idiot, an awful idiot, a damn idiot, and a fool, a damn fool — Ray Bradbury

Askade took the battertoast, looked at it blearily. "I can't rewire it into a death ray without some extra parts," he said, and took a bite. "Hm. Tastes okay. What's the problem? — John M. Ford

Honey
even Ray Charles can see that you have control issues. — Elizabeth Gilbert

A good night sleep, or a ten minute bawl, or a pint of chocolate ice cream, or all three together, is good medicine. — Ray Bradbury

Any conversation including the mention of Roald Dahl, Ray Bradbury, or Emily Dickinson is one worth getting into or at least eavesdropping. — Don Roff

I have done so much medical and scientific research Crashing Life I am thinking about putting PhD behind my name or maybe B.S. — Juanita Ray

If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it. — Ray Romano

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. — Steven Wright

Or the woman in front of me in the security line who asked if they would put her cat, Dave, through the luggage X-ray machine because she wanted to see if he'd eaten a necklace. — Jenny Lawson

I have three rules to live by: Get your work done. If that doesn't work, shut up and drink your gin, and when all else fails, run like hell. — Ray Bradbury

My memory is not as good as it used to be and it probably never was. — M. Ray Holloway Jr.

I told a doctor once, Doc, if you want to know what's inside of me, put down the x-ray and pick up my novel! — Gerard De Marigny

When forced to leave my house for an extended period of time, I take my typewriter with me, and together we endure the wretchedness of passing through the X-ray scanner. The laptops roll merrily down the belt, while I'm instructed to stand aside and open my bag. To me it seems like a normal enough thing to be carrying, but the typewriter's declining popularity arouses suspicion and I wind up eliciting the sort of reaction one might expect when traveling with a cannon.

It's a typewriter,' I say. 'You use it to write angry letters to airport security. — David Sedaris

I'm being ironic. Don't interrupt a man in the midst of being ironic, it's not polite. There! — Ray Bradbury

Humor is a very important thing. It is a natural predilection. It is an emotional release. — Ray Stevenson

Live each day like it's your last, 'cause one day you gonna be right — Ray Charles

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up. — Ray Romano

Choose life, choose to be happy and make somebody smile. — Ray S. Jones

I have been accused of being a joker. But the most successful art to me involves humor. — Man Ray

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff. — Mitch Hedberg

These two wouldn't be a problem. They talked to much. The talkers of the world ended up being the loudest screamers. — Ray Banks

Maybe I should follow someone considering my next book is titled stalked. — Juanita Ray

How's Uncle Louis today?" "Who?" "And Aunt Maude? — Ray Bradbury

Right now, all white people are either wearing or coveting a pair of Ray-Ban Wayfarer sunglasses. These sunglasses are so popular now that you cannot swing a canvas bag at a farmer's market without hitting a pair. In fact, at outdoor gatherings you should count the number of Wayfarers so you can determine exactly how white the event is. If you see no Wayfarers you are either at a country music concert or you are indoors. — Christian Lander

You hear, Eugene?' said Lightwood over his shoulder. 'You are deeply interested in lime.'
'Without lime,' returned that unmoved barrister at law, 'my existence would be unilluminated by a ray of hope. — Charles Dickens

At a mixer at the Art and Architecture School, I met Ray Connors. He had small, worried eyes and fine, babyish hair, already receding. His back was hurting him; two years ago he had fallen down an elevator shaft. He was graduating from the Architecture School in January. He went off to get me a glass of wine; by the time he came back, I had practically forgotten his existence. — Tama Janowitz

Meg's face clouded, and I wondered if she was going to rain the way people do sometimes. — Ray Rhamey