Wurms Quotes & Sayings

At a long meeting a man next to me, British I hope, said, "Man, I'd kill for a fag about now" I chuckled when everyone moved away from him but me.
"Why did everyone do that?"
"They say that smoking can kill, and they're just being cautious"
"What about that fellow there smiling at me?"
"Don't know, maybe he's a chain smoker ... — Neil Leckman

Remember, never apply too much torque or you'll bust your nuts!! — Neil Leckman

I think that last batch of sea monkeys ate my cat!!! — Neil Leckman

I think what I need to do is stay awake while I'm sleeping so I can see what I'm dreaming better!! — Neil Leckman

Sat in the Jacuzzi last night looking at the dark recesses of the nozzles. Remembering the story I wrote about spiders nesting there. Multifaceted eyes watching me watching them, almost like when you set two mirrors parallel to each other, accept this infinity ends up in some fuzzy creature's belly. I have a nice picture of a Hobo spider in my backyard, venom dripping off one of those nasty fangs of theirs. Son of a bitch is looking at me and his mouth is watering waiting for me to stick my hand under the rock he's nested in. I hate it when you spray a spider with insecticide and it curls up for a few minutes, then uncurls and staggers home. I'm like an arachnid cheap date that sucks!!
I just picture the spider staggering into the nest and the female spider asking, "Is that Raid I smell on you?"
The spider just smiles (interesting thing to picture) and passes out. — Neil Leckman

Neil Leckman
I had a friend once that told me when we die and get to the pearly gates we are admitted based on our deeds.
1 good deed is a step forward
1 bad deed is two steps back.
By the time he's through with you I'm not sure you'll even be able to see the gates!! — Neil Leckman

Sometimes I wake up and wonder if those chalk outlines they have at murder scenes get together for holiday parties ... — Neil Leckman

I am open to comments, I accept with with all humility, or at least what I can muster at short notice. — Neil Leckman

They say you don't know what you don't know until you know that you don't know it. — Neil Leckman

How to contact in case of an emergency?
I prefer 911 myself ... — Neil Leckman

Never torque a man's nuts unless you are his mechanic!! — Neil Leckman

You know what they say. One man's joke is another man's brother — Neil Leckman

When I was little and my mom got mad at me she would always say, "You know you can be replaced".
I have often wondered if I was. — Neil Leckman

I like to provide American humor for British soccer coaches when possible. During keeper practice I'll offer to stand behind the goal and shag a few balls!! — Neil Leckman

I'm not sure if it's possible, but if it is I have a life contract with a rubber glove clause. This means almost any social interaction will involve the placing on, or removal of rubber gloves. That 'snap' means the fun, whatever type it may be, has begun.
Doctors? OK, dentists? OK, clerk at Walmart? WHAT!!
The Clerk begins to pull on the gloves as other shoppers suddenly find other open lanes.
**SNAP**! — Neil Leckman

Bad questions at employment interviews:
Is your drug test graded on a curve? — Neil Leckman

Has anybody ever written a horror pop-up book? The center of the book pops up and opens the gate to the elder gods. Of course you'll want to shrink wrap these books because you want people to buy them before they get sucked into another dimension. — Neil Leckman

If you sleep with one eye open are your dreams only half as good as everyone elses? — Neil Leckman

How about a TV show about vampire plastic surgeons called, "Suck and Tuck"? — Neil Leckman

People do not realize just how much effort it takes to do a half ass job properly. A lot of time is spend in choosing which cheek will do the job best then whether that cheek is available on that day. Odds are 50/50 that half assed will be half of half assed or quarter assed, which doesn't have the same ring to it at all ...
Mediocrity isn't so easy is it? — Neil Leckman

Bad answers for employment questions:
Employer: I see here that you worked for the state for three years. Why did you leave that job?
My parole was granted — Neil Leckman

Overheard vampire conversation.
"Is that Ophelia?"
"yep"
"She doesn't look well"
"Ever since she drank from that hemophiliac everything just goes right through her. — Neil Leckman

Headstones:
What I asked was, "Would you MARRY me?!!"
"This time I'll count to one hundred and you hide."
"OK, It's not funny anymore let me out!! — Neil Leckman

I woke today ready to think outside the box. I can't remember where I put it. — Neil Leckman

We started our journey across the waistlands by folowing the enormous belt!! — Neil Leckman

I flunked out of mime school. I could never hear what the instructor was saying!!! — Neil Leckman

If I were a candy bar I'd want to be a snicker, because then I'd have the last laugh!! — Neil Leckman

Don't follow your heart if you can't keep a beat — Neil Leckman

Why is ground round sold in a square package? — Neil Leckman

My oldest son used to say his stomach had angries when he felt sick.
I always pictured an all night fight club for finger foods!! — Neil Leckman

One of the joys of being a grandparent is giving your grandchild caffeinated sugary drinks late in the day, and sending them home. Do you have any idea how many years I had to wait for that? — Neil Leckman

I'll give you something to cry about!!
Hell, no need to get up I'm doing a good job of bawling my eyes out now. It could be that having one of the spokes from my ten speed pierce my thigh depressed me because now that tire will wobble.
"Have you learned your lesson?"
"Cry sooner because you'll stop quicker?"
**SMACK**
"Can I go for best three out of five?"
** SMACK** **SMACK**
"I'm only beating you because I care!!"
"Lucky me, I couldn't have been raised by a heartless bitch?"
**SMACK!!**
"I think I'm beginning to feel the love now ... — Neil Leckman

Thrice damned she howls like Cerberus to the night
Guarding virtues that lie like forgotten stains
On oaken floors that pave the willow lined paths of the past
That lead to a meadow filled with the detritus of wasted love
Rotting under a forgotten sun that no longer shines
In a heart gone cold therein lies the haste of anger. — Neil Leckman