What Are The Funniest Quotes & Sayings

I will say that what's been funny is, since the lightsaber's come out, I cannot tell you how many contradictory emails I have received from people who have both defended it with unbelievably detailed graphicsI've gotten things that are nuts, and I've gotten people who've shown how it'll kill you and how it doesn't make any sense. It's been the funniest thing to see the arguments that have developed over this thing. — J.J. Abrams

Only black people in the whole neighborhood, so let's break it down: Me, I'm a decent comedian, I'm a'ight. Mary J. Blige, one of the greatest R&B singers to ever walk the Earth. Jay-Z, one of the greatest rappers to ever live. Eddie Murphy, one of the funniest actors to ever, ever do it. Do you know what the white man that lives next door to me does for a living? He's a f*****g dentist. — Chris Rock

I am so proud that 'Up' is Pixar's 10th film. I think it's the funniest film that we've ever made and also one of the most beautiful. — John Lasseter

'I'll sit on him,' Otis says and laughs like it's the funniest thing in the world. He twirls a small ball of fire in one hand and a Desert Eagle .50 Caliber in the other. If Seven didn't know him, he'd probably be running away as fast as he could. It's a big gun. — T.J. Klune

I think one of the funniest things about '30 Rock' is that Liz Lemon is sort of like Buster Keaton - she's always the fool, the joke is always on her. — Cristin Milioti

While it is entirely untrue that Canadians lack a sense of humour, the funniest ones tend to head south: Dan Aykroyd, Jim Carrey, Michael J. Fox. — Simon Hoggart

The older ones recently saw Mr and Mrs Smith and I think they thought that was the funniest thing they'd ever seen because, of course, watching your parents fight as spies is some strange sort of childhood fantasy. — Angelina Jolie

The funniest thing is that now I know what reverse spam is. You know you get spam from people saying, 'Can you invest in this or that?' People are now e-mailing me saying, 'Oh my God, can I invest in your company?' It's a reverse solicitation of money. — Jefferson Han

In a perfect Friendship this Appreciative love is, I think, often so great and so firmly based that each member of the circle feels, in his secret heart, humbled before the rest. Sometimes he wonders what he is doing there among his betters. He is lucky beyond desert to be in such company. Especially when the whole group is together; each bringing out all that is best, wisest, or funniest in all the others. Those are the golden sessions; when four or five of us after a hard day's walk have come to our inn; when our slippers are on, our feet spread out toward the blaze and our drinks are at our elbows; when the whole world, and something beyond the world, opens itself to our minds as we talk; and no one has any claim on or any responsibility for another, but all are freemen and equals as if we had first met an hour ago, while at the same time an Affection mellowed by the years enfolds us. Life - natural life - has no better gift to give. Who could have deserved it? — C.S. Lewis

The best shows to tweet about are the ones that are hilarious, but they might not necessarily be trying to be hilarious. Those are the easiest and the funniest because you're like 'come onnnn.' — Retta

I have a fantastic husband. Here's the honeymoon part: I still think he's the funniest, wittiest, most clever man I've ever known. — Sarah Jessica Parker

This impeccably researched study of the classic black insult game may be the funniest work of serious scholarship ever published. — Terry Teachout

The funniest things just come from honesty. We have a tendency to see female characters as representative of something larger than what they are, when male characters are just characters. — Elizabeth Meriwether

What are the funniest famous last words you've ever heard?" Lost, Ryan just stared at her. Why did her brain constantly spit out nonsensical questions? "Fine be boring." She turned to Jaime, who was sprawled on the neighboring blanked, and repeated the question.

"Lightning never hits the same spot twice," said Jaime. Everyone laughted. "You know any"" she asked her mate.

"Pull the pin out and count to what?" said Dante.

Dominic plopped himself on the ground next to Zac. "I got one: Hold my beer while I do this."

Taryn raised her hand. "Hey, what does this button do?"
"This doesn't taste right," said Marcus.
Bracken, a Mercury Pack enforcer spoke. "It's just a flesh wound."
Ally offered, "No dummy, that's a dolphin fin."
"What's that red dot on your forehead?" said McKenna.
Amused in spite of himself - it was after all, a completely pointless conversation - Ryan kissed her temple. — Suzanne Wright

We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny. — Zach Galifianakis

What I do know is that traditional gender roles are very real and flipping the norm is difficult for even the strongest, funniest, smartest men. — Patti Stanger

Johnston's books are beautifully written and among the funniest I have ever read. — Annie Dillard

My mom's brother was gay, and he actually passed away from AIDS when I was 13. He was quite a character, but he also worked at the electrical plant, so he was this complicated guy with a big laugh who would wear a trucker hat and do impressions. He was gay, but to me, Uncle Alan was just the funniest person in the world. — Casey Wilson

Having this lovely person in my life. My daughter is the funniest person I know and I couldn't imagine my life without her. I think it also starts an amazing journey in a woman. You don't obsess about yourself in the way you used to, as the bulk of your time isn't spent on you. — Donna Air

I say this with no fear of contradiction. Jonas Barnes is absolutely, positively the funniest stand-up comic I have ever seen. Of course, I almost never leave my home. Jonas is a great guy and was a big help to me. — Danny Bonaduce

Women are very funny. Some of the funniest people I can think of are women. — Rachel Bloom

I love animals. With animals you never know what you're getting. Everybody says don't mess with animals and little kids in movies but those are the funniest things because you can't be in control. I like to lose control as a director. — David Gordon Green

When he didn't move away, Sidney lowered her voice. "What are you doing?" Her sister and his
brother were standing close by. Yet here he was, quite obviously leaning in toward her.
He seemed amused by her question. "You're always asking me that. I'm starting a conversation.
Again." He winked.
Okay ... "And how much have you had to drink tonight, Agent Roberts?"
He laughed as if this was the funniest thing, and touched her chin. "Always busting my balls,
Sinclair. — Julie James

Life conspires to plant us in the funniest of gardens where the trees need an especial form of tending — Sarah Hall

My life is like an O Henry story ... the funniest girl in the world and the boy who never laughs. — Rainbow Rowell

But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman! — Homer

What is it with these people? They are more obsessed with me finding a girlfriend than I am.
"He's concentrating on his studies," says Mum proudly.
"Ah," says Mr Coles. "I should've done that, but at his age I was out on the town, living it up. Best days of my life, they were."
"Oh yes, mine too," says Mum with a weird twinkle in her eye.
I wonder how easy it is to kill two people with a screwdriver and a bag of half-frozen peas. — J.A. Buckle

Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it's the funniest. — Andy Kindler

Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, 'Breakfast of Champions' is one of the funniest books I've ever read. — Justin Halpern

No, you know what? If there's no sexy times for me and Sloane, then none of you are getting any either." Dex jumped on the couch and addressed the room, pointing to everyone one by one, starting with Ethan. "No sexy times for you." Then Calvin. "None for you." He pointed to Ash. "None for you." He pointed at Cael. "Definitely none for you." He ignored Cael rolling his eyes and moved to Sloane. "Sorry, babe, none for you either. We're all chaste until moving is over."
Ash let out a laugh. "You and Sloane, chaste? That's the funniest shit I've heard all year! — Charlie Cochet

I was always a big fan of Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner's '2000-Year-Old Man' sketch. I think it's one of the biggest influences on the podcast, definitely. You'd never say Carl Reiner was the funniest dude on there, because he's just teeing it up, but he knows what questions to ask to lead to great improv. — Scott Aukerman

Josh Funk and Hunter Fraser: we haven't been in touch in years, but you made me feel like the funniest kid in the world. I would stay up late on school nights to write things to try to make you laugh the next day in class, and you inspired the one piece of advice on writing that I've ever felt qualified to give: write for the kid sitting next to you. — B.J. Novak

We deal with all the production headaches and all that stuff. They just have to come here and be super funny. And it's worked out well. I mean, literally, every day they're all saying things I'd never thought I'd hear before and just some of the funniest discussions I've ever heard. — Jeff Schaffer

Will Arnett is one of the funniest guys I know. He has seen it all and done it all and come out the other end pretty savvy and pretty strong. — Jason Bateman

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world. — George Bernard Shaw

It makes it really hard to just go to a dinner party because, in my work life, I'm surrounded by the funniest people, ever. I'm really spoiled. I laugh a lot, in my day. — Jenna Fischer

Jokes? There are no jokes. The truth is the funniest joke of all. — Muhammad Ali

I thought she was the funniest woman, and I believed being a comedian was the most exciting thing you could be. — Maya Rudolph

My father was the funniest guy I ever met. I'm not sure if I stole his stuff or if I inherited it. — Chevy Chase

The funniest thing about some people is that they have no sense of humor. — Ashleigh Brilliant

George Hamilton is one of the funniest men I have ever known. — Britt Ekland

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it. — W.C. Fields

It's sad being the funniest person you know. — Grea Alexander

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don't have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that's actually saying something. — Kevin Hart

The kindest compliments I have ever heard are when cops tell me Training Day and Assault on Precinct 13 inspired them to become cops. The funniest compliments I have ever heard are when people tell me that 'I love your band Sugar Ray. — Ethan Hawke

Now I have a shot at being the Planet's Funniest Kid Comic. "The planet Earth?" asks Phineas of - you guessed it - Phineas and Ferb. "Or Mars? We built a portal to Mars for the science fair once. — James Patterson

The funniest thing is that all the things every director goes through, I thought I could shortcut, but there was no getting around those issues. — George Clooney

At Murry Bergtraum [High School] if you were really funny you sat at this table at with all of the funniest dudes, the toughest, the coolest - everybody sat at that table. It was like the ghetto Algonquin Round Table. [Comedy] was my entry, my membership card. — John Leguizamo

Joel Waldfogel is one of the smartest and funniest economists on the planet. I think of him every time I start to unwrap a present. Buy Scroogenomics for your friends and family. It makes the perfect Christmas gift. — Ian Ayres

I'd love to do a movie with females in it, and not necessarily the female version of 'The Hangover,' but I'd love to. If I did it it'd star Juliette Lewis, because she's the funniest woman in the world. She's my favorite actress on the planet. If we did a character-based comedy about women, I don't see it out of my range. — Todd Phillips

Everything I am, everything I've been allowed to do, career-wise, has come out of the opportunity I had with 'Cheers'. I think it's one of the funniest shows ever. They are some of my best friends. — Ted Danson

Is it needy? It's not. We don't need each other. We just really, really enjoy each other. And we're good together. We're good people together. And I have the funniest feeling. I can really, truly touch this all, this happiness and the sadness too, I can trace all of it with my fingers. It isn't theoretical or distant. This feels like me. This is me. I love him, and, for the first time in a relationship, I also like me. Every time he says "I love you," I answer, "I believe you. — Emma Forrest